Monday – A Fatwa On You, ShowbizSpy

June 21, 2010

Back to the working week. Back to me being unemployed except for this post I hold tirelessly trying to entertain you and you and you and you all. The weekend is over. My weekend was lovely actually. To be perfectly honest, I had an incredible weekend.

I saw a polo match, which was oddly enough the second polo match I have seen in the past year. The first was on Governor’s island and Prince Harry of ENG-LUND was playing in it. All the single ladies and ladies willing to be single and forget that they had husbands or boyfriends were out and about drunk on smuggled wine and expensive champagne in sundresses trying to attract the Royal’s attention. And my brother from a different mother, LL Cool J, was also in attendance. I’m sure LL was there for the same reason and that was to share a bed with Harry and be Princess LL Cool J. Hey, he is a reasonable man. It wouldn’t have to be forever. Maybe just a year or two. LL has done worst things for money…. ahem Deep Blue Sea. A black dude working on a submarine with a lucky parrot!

This polo match had no foreign royalty outside of myself and Dawgz. We are the Princes of the Universe ala Highlander the television series. ADRIAN PAUL! I WILL FIGHT YOU!

This was a local Polo match raising money for charity. Though there was a celebrity: Kate Mulgrew. Seriously? Seriously. Why? Who knows. Nevertheless, she was there. The New Jersey Devil was there. I should rewrite that as the New Jersey Devil was there “as well as Kate Mulgrew”. Just so people do not assume that Kate Mulgrew is the New Jersey Devil since Star Trek: Voyager was canceled.

I also played a little futbol which is why my ankle hurts and my toe feels broken, but isn’t. I also shot a gun. Not at the Jersey Devil or the pseudo Jersey Devil Kate Mulgrew, which was surprising because they were both begging for it.

Oh yeah, and I got hammered drunk.

As for the latter to the former – MISQUOTATIONS. Sunday night, in between watching the incredible Jamie Varner vs. Kamal Shalorus WEC fight on Versus and watching the season finale of Treme – Dawgz noticed a miss certain miss wants it was trending. Kristen Stewart, also not the official New Jersey Devil, was trending on Yahoo. And I’m pretty sure we all know why.

KRISTEN STEWART ADMITS: “I’M OBSESSED WITH MY PUSSY”

First, yes. Second, Yes. Third, YES. Fou- YES! YES! YES! YES!!!!!!11111

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I click on the article naturally. The story is from ShowbizSpy who are “reporting” on an interview that Kristen Stewart had with Parade magazine. Now, I have not read a Parade magazine in … well… ever, but I’ve seen them in the newsstands usually south of the porno mags that I’m thumbing through. They do not appear to be a piece of journalistic literature that would write the word “pussy” in all or “PUSSY”. It just seems a little out of place.

I’m reading the ShowbizSpy post and it has various quotes from Kristen and Parade’s chat. A few of the quotes are about how Bella needed a sex talk, but Kristen doesn’t remember needing one. Fair enough. Apriori knowledge about the gloriousness of zip, schwing, pound town. Fair eenuff. But nowhere in that quote does she mention being obsessed with her pussy. And I would know because I reread the quote about a 1000 times.

The next series of quotes were about how Kristen cannot wait until Bella becomes a vampire in Twilight because she is really excited to try her hand at acting like a vampire since everyone else is acting like one. Ummm… SPOILER ALERT! Jeez, Kristen. Jeez, Parade. I didn’t know that she was going to be a vampire! I was eagerly anticipating the … I’m fucking with yall. I knew she did become a vampire and I really don’t care. Anyway, she talks about the vamp business, but in none of those quotes does she mention her pussy or any obsession with said pussy. Again, I would know because I READ IT!

Lastly, Kristen Stewart talks about being a cat owner. Oh no. Please don’t say…. And she is obsessed with her cat. She has become a “crazy cat lady”. I want to fucking kill the people at ShowbizSpy! HOW DO YOU PLAY WITH MY HEART LIKE THAT! I as well as the rest of the internet were dying… literally DYING… to read about K-Stew talk about an obsession with a certain part of her wanting it body and it just so happens that part is her … wait for it… pussy. Could they have lied to me, yes ME, anymore!?!

Not only does their article say she is “obsessed” with her “pussy” in the headline, but they put a ‘ around it as if she said it in general. Regardless of context, I don’t see Kristen Stewart uttering those words. Unless Parade is holding that quote back and will force me to buy the issue from newsstands when I go on my weekly porno mag purchase run then where is the fucking quote. I see no “I’m obsessed with my pussy” even meaning cat quote. So the quote even in the context of cats and not Ms. Stewart’s “whispering eye”, I don’t see the fucking quote anywhere.

To add insult to injury, the statement KRISTEN STEWART ADMITS: ‘I’M OBSESSED WITH MY PUSSY’ is in all caps as if Mattie G./DICKS wrote it. This is ridiculous. KRISTEN STEWART ADMITS! I am on the edge of my seat because ShowbizSpy is yelling to me that Kristen Stewart is unleashing some hidden part of her soul to all of us through Parade magazine. Then with all my baited breath I whisper back to ShowbizSpy, “what is Kristen admitting to?”

SHE’S OBSESSED WITH HER PUSSY

Photobucket

OH SWEET JESUS HAS ARRIVED! WE ARE HEADED TO THE PEARLY GATES ON THAT GOLDEN CHARIOT! OH WE ARE SAVED! WE ARE ALL SAVED!

Wait… she didn’t say she was obsessed with her pussy. Wait… she said she likes cats and currently owns one. Wait… she can’t wait to play a vampire. FUCK YOU, SHOWBIZSPY! FUCK YOU!

A FATWA ON YOU, SHOWBIZSPY. A FATWA!!!!

A JIHADIST FATWA ON SHOWBIZSPY!

YOU HAVE WRONGED US! YOU HAVE WRONGED US ALL WITH HOPES OF PUSSY TALK AND NOW YOU MUST PAY!

Alalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need some coffee before I start my jihad.

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24 Responses to “Monday – A Fatwa On You, ShowbizSpy”

  1. PWG said

    I guess lounging around the KSWIJ treehouse has fundamentally shaped my opinion of Kristen Stewart. To be honest, I don’t know much about the woman other than what you’ve made up, and that she throws a respectable spiral. But when I read that quote, I didn’t even raise an eyebrow. It seemed reasonable to me that she’s obsessed with her vagina, and that she’d say it. Say it out loud.

  2. PWG said

    I don’t know how much more mileage the English speaking world can get out of the cat/vagina/pussy high-larious wordplay. “Ha ha, she wants you to pet her pussy!” First of all, the word pussy has ceased to refer to cats. It’s a stretch to pretend people are out and about using it that way anymore. People don’t toss off “gay” to mean lighthearted and happy, and people don’t say, “I have three pussies at home.”

    That said, my 5-year old saw the latest Shrek movie and ever since has been referring to Antonio Banderas’ character as Pussy. Not Puss-in-Boots, Pussy. He has a lot to say about the movie, loudly and in public. “Remember Pussy? Ha ha ha, I love Pussy!”

    • Amy D said

      Kids are great. One of mine calls it her ‘cooter’. Sometimes my lack of filter has far reaching ripples…..

  3. Amy D said

    This weekend my daughter sent a text, in all capital letters. She didn’t find it amusing or get the double meaning when I told her to QUIT BEING A DICK. It’s nice to know that I had that degree of separation with Jordan this weekend.

    • tiffanized said

      I was once on a date when my daughter texted me ‘get you some’. Unfortunately, my phone was on the table and my date saw it. This was awkward because obviously he was the ‘some’ I was supposed to get, and also because I had to explain that the text came from my personal child.

  4. You shot a gun at a polo match? …Were you supposed to? I’ve been to polo matches — I have family that plays polo — and never once have I heard of such a thing. Clearly I’m going to the wrong matches since I’ve never been offered the chance to shoot a gun. And while drinking excessively, no less.

    • PWG said

      Milfie, can spectators shoot at polo players? Kay Swidge said he saw a polo match, so I’ll assume he wasn’t a participant. Although if polo players could shoot at each other it’d be pretty entertaining as long as the horses were fully armored. Like modern jousting, or a cavalry attack.

      Deep Blue Sea was on TV this week. I watched Samuel Jackson get eaten, and the LL Cool J parts. I don’t think the parrot was very lucky.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        I didn’t shoot the gun at the polo match.

      • PWG said

        Thanks, we were actually pretty clear on that I think. Doesn’t mean it’s necessarily a bad idea, though. More entertaining than watching FIFA refs botch calls all week. There, I said it.

      • That actually wasn’t at all clear to me. Have I mentioned how stupid I can be at times? derp derp derp.

      • MLF said

        You can’t shoot a gun at a polo match- BUT if you are looking to quench your thirst for gun sports on horseback there’s always foxhunting or mounted shooting. Or you could join the mounted police.

  5. susanelle said

    Argh, ShowbizSpy: what douchebags!! I recommend you sic Mattie G./DICKS onto them — they will lose their will to live real fast.

    Question for Friday: was that your gun-shooting virginity you lost on the weekend? Because I didn’t think shooting a gun would be that remarkable an activity for you. Really, how many guns have you shot? Or have you shot repeatedly from the same gun?

  6. tiffanized said

    I am decidedly not obsessed with pussy of any kind. I hate the use of the word ‘pussy’ to describe female genitalia, though I use it because there are so few synonyms that don’t inspire major gigglefits. If the word ‘vuvuzela’ weren’t so universally hated right now, I’d suggest that.

  7. I wish I had more time to DICK around here today. If we’re truly staff, then I’m slowly falling behind in the race for KSWI Employee of the Month. It’s shameful.

    Really funny stuff today, though. I made the mistake of reading it on a conference call. Bigger mistake was assuming I’d put everyone on mute. I had not.

    • See that? I’m pretty sure I missed a great opportunity to make a dirty joke about getting laid off. WHAT HAS BECOME OF ME.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        The heat is getting to us all. I walked by the Holland Tunnel and I believe I saw it sweating. The concrete of the Holland Tunnel was sweating!

  8. cledbo said

    I would never believe KStew was overly attentive towards her lady bits. Unless NW Magazine lied to me and Robsten is in fact real, in which case she would be trying to work out how to get around Rob’s self-confessed allergy towards the fish taco.

    You need to work on your beard before you can start a jihad with any sort of enthusiasm.

    Your weekend sounds awesome. I’ve never been to a polo match, but I’ve fired many, many guns, and it is so fun. And you got to see Prince ‘Ginger Ninja’ Harry Windsor, only member of the Royal Family to take part in a war since the Faulklands. I’m very jealous.
    I got woken up in the middle of the night on Saturday, lying on the ground in my nice warm sleeping bag, being bitten by a possum. I’m lucky I didn’t wet myself, and that my tetanus is up to date. I so don’t get paid enough for this shit!

    I support your fatwa, ShowbizSpy must pay.

  9. MLF said

    I don’t blame kristen at all. If I worked with Rpatz I wouldn’t think about anything unrelated to my pussy and things to do with it…probably like, ever.

    • cledbo said

      It must just be me that’s leaning towards thinking she’s a lesbot.
      I blame NW Magazine for that one too. Allen Pease was all up in there, analysing their body language at the MTV Awards, and he reckons she’s with someone, but it’s not Rob – and not just the craptacular acting thing they attempted, it was a whole “Dude, they’re totally not together, because people in love have more difficulty hiding it in the way they move and stand with each other etc etc”. And I believe him because he wrote Why Men Won’t Ask Directions and Women Can’t Read Maps. Funny funny book.

      Maybe it’s just wishful thinking on my part that KStew will want to join us in a KSWI Commentator lesbian orgy one day. ###

  10. gogozemo said

    haha that girl so cute

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