I Hope You Like Looking At Nearly Naked Men

June 22, 2010

Just over three months ago, I made a pilgrimage to Mecca… err… I mean Columbus, Ohio. This pilgrimage was no less of a religious nature than an odyssey to see the black cube of Kaaba, instead my odyssey was to leer at enormous more than half naked freak men… and capture it all on video tape! What the hell am I talking about? The Arnold Schwarzenegger Classic.

Easily one of the most interesting characters of the 20th century is Arnold Schwarzenegger. I have talked at length before about this. Quick overview: born in just-post-World War II Austria, began training in bodybuilding, won several competitions, moved to the US of A, became the number 1 bodybuilder in the world for the better part of a decade, became an action star, became the number 1 movie action star, evolved into a leading male actor in action and comedies, married a Kennedy, 2x Governor of California. I’m also glazing over many other accomplishments like stumping for the Republican party Presidential candidates dating as far back as Ronald “Dutch” Reagan, starting and running many charities regarding fitness for children et cetera.

Anyway, when Arnold was a body builder circa the American Revolution circa 1972, he was in a bodybuilding event in Columbus, Ohio. Arnold believed this particular event was the best run bodybuilding event he had been apart of in Los Estados Unidos. Arnold committed this to memory. Much like the glorious symbol of the Republican party, the elephant; Arnold Schwarzenegger never forgets. Fifteen years later, 1987 – the same year Arnold gave us two of the greatest films ever Predator and The Running Man, Arnold was ready to start his own bodybuilding competition: the Arnold Classic.

As mentioned, Arnold never forgets. He went back to Columbus, Ohio and tracked down the man who ran the bodybuilding event 15 years earlier. At this time, Arnold told the man of his plans for world domination and the man was eager to sign up. Since then, Arnold and this man (go google it, I don’t know the man’s name) have ran the Arnold Classic event for 22 years in Columbus, Ohio and each year it becomes even more egregious, even more hedonistic – in essence it is getting better and better like Hegel’s wet dream.

Kyle and I attended this year’s Arnold Schwarzenegger fitness expo and it was GLORIOUS. The nice people at Asylum hosted two videos of Kyle and I’s adventure to the great white central point of Ohio, which can be viewed here:


But what about the piece de resistance!?! Well, Kyle and I made several other videos of the Arnold event. We expected them all to go up on Asylum, but plans have changed as they do. Now our hilarity will be on Y-O-U-T-U-B-E. Although, the Arnold Fitness Expo is four days long and filled with wild hijinks and competitions ranging from Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu to figure skating; everyone is in “Broke-Ass-Chicago” Columbus, Ohio because they want to see the muscle men, the oiled up muscle men, almost naked except for a thong covered in glittery rhinestones muscle men. And here they are:

My and Kyle’s story dealing with these behemoths.

Kyle and I showed up to Columbus, Ohio late Thursday night. We really had no idea what to expect. After 9 hours of driving through Pennsylvania, the tip of West Virginia, and the Eastern half of Ohio, we arrived at our hotel… err motel… err crack den. Kyle chose at random a motel amongst a series of motels and he won the lottery on that one. The place honestly smelled like someone died the night earlier and was in the process of cleaning it up. Needless to say we were not psyched that we would be spending the next four consecutive nights there. Let’s just say there were half smoke cigarettes moldy and festering in the shower and cigarette burns on all the sheets.

We regrouped and left the armpit motel and headed to the Veterans’ Memorial Auditorium for the first event of the Arnold Schwarzenegger Fitness Expo: bikini women. BIKINI WOMEN! B-I-K-I-N-I W-O-M-E-N! BEE KEE NEE WEE MEN! We walked into the backstage area equipped with our press passes and were greeted with a weight room filled with 100 women in bikinis and clear high heels … and a shit ton of photographers taking pictures and video of them.

We were in heaven. A heaven of musclely, mahogany, near naked women that we were now supposed to talk to. Kyle and I were in trial by fire territory, sink or swim territory, go talk to women and be funny with them on video tape and not be intimidated by their near naked well toned red bodies territory. We eventually got into the swing of things and began treading the water of these bikini women. We had a great time.

Two days later, Kyle and I were scheduled to go back to the Veterans’ Memorial Auditorium for the men’s bodybuilding event. In those two days, Kyle and I had slept maybe 8 hours. We spent Thursday night at the crack den motel. We spent all of Friday at the Expo interacting with the insane masses and watching and interviewing the participants like Amateur Strongmen. That Friday night, Kyle and I went to the FIGHT! magazine party and got ferociously drunk with a bunch of UFC and WEC cagefighters.

To sum up Friday night – Kyle blacked out, got his cellphone stolen from a handsy gypsy drifter, and this was all before we still dragged him to another bar. I drank an eff ton and passed out and then woke up a couple hours later looking like a taller and less bearded version of Zach Galifianakis in The Hangover. So Saturday did not start off well. We were both deprived of sleep and in pain and we were going back to the Expo to spend our day until 7pm when we would head to the Veterans’ Memorial.

Skipping to Saturday night at 7pm. Kyle and I arrive at the Veterans’ Memorial ready and waiting. We’ve been there. We’ve seen an event there. We are veterans ourselves at this point. We know where the press enters. We know how shit gets done. We know… wait… the doors are locked. Wait a second, there is almost no one here. And the people that are here are looking serious. Serious like they were discussing the never-ending war in Afghanistan – serious.

On Thursday, everyone was smiling and happy and laughing. It was a night of whimsy and dreams coming true. There were WOMEN in BIKINIS! Everything was gold in the world. On Saturday, shit was real. First, we were lead around back to the service entrance and loading dock area. Kyle and I and a guy from some muscle magazine take the dark back entrance* to the backstage area of the event. Once there, it looked abandoned.

Again, Thursday night’s competition was ONE HUNDRED women in bikinis. Saturday night’s competition was 13 professional bodybuilders competing for $130,000. When Kyle and I arrived, only 1 of the 13 guys was there. He was in the “oiling station” being rubbed with the Jan Tanna mahogany sheen by Pierce. On Thursday, there were 15 women deep waiting for Pierce to rub them down. Smiles and chuckles and sexual innuendos were flowing like wine. With Pierce only rubbing down the big Russian in the tiled off oiling station it appeared like he was a Roman gladiator being prepared for a death battle.

The mood was eerie. The Russian spoke very little. His trainers watched Pierce rub him down making critical observations about posing to the Russian. We spoke to Pierce is whispers trying to understand what was happening and why is everything so scary. But Pierce was quiet as well. A few minutes later a couple more of the 13 showed up. Next in the room was Branch Warren. He stripped in front of Kyle and I and proceeded to work through his routine in front of the mirrors with his coaches saying curt encouragement. I literally was frightened by all of this.

Kyle and I left that room for fear of our brains falling to pieces from the madness. In the main room, 5 other competitors were there. They were all in sweat suits just lying around. Some were eating, some were listening to music, some were almost sleeping. Either way, no one was talking. More reporters and camera men showed up, but they all waited on the sidelines without talking. They just stood there shuffling their feet watching the beasts of men sit in sweat pants silently.

I was freaking out it was so serious. Then as mentioned in an earlier post, Snooki as in SNOOKI from the Jersey Shore appeared amongst the photographers and reporters. We talked to her in the whisperiest interview ever conducted. Eventually all the 13 men were in the main room. They all stripped down to their glittery thongs and made last preparations. They lifted some weights, they made final rubdowns of tanner, they posed. The photographers were taking pictures a 100 a minute. All you could hear were flashbulbs popping, but no talking. No talking. It was as if these men were going out to die and these were the last moments of their living lives.

The 13 were lined up and taken to the stage. Kyle and I grabbed some open seats in the crowd. We didn’t have tickets for seats, we just had the press passes for the backstage. We were informed that by an usher that we were sitting in the Mayor of Columbus’ seats, but he was running late, so we could sit there until he shows up. Or until he makes us is what I thought. I’m from the North East, son. No lowly Mayor of a third rate Chicago is going to scare me. Nevertheless, we sat and watched the wildest competitive event I have ever been privy to.

Running on fumes – no sleep, no nutrition except for random energy shots and power bars eaten at the expo – we were transfixed on the wildness in front of us and the bark of the crowd hypnotized us and we too were screaming and applauding these freak men. These men of freakdom.


18 Responses to “I Hope You Like Looking At Nearly Naked Men”

  1. PWG said

    Last year the Cloud Appreciation Society proposed the first new cloud formation since 1951. All that meteorologic knowledge you’ve been walking around with since 6th grade? Ob-so-lete.

    Behold, the mighty Asperatus

    There, now we’ve both talked about something we find interesting. It’s kind of hard to believe I’m married, isn’t it?

    • So have you framed your official membership certificate? And do you keep your badge around on your person at all times?

      I’ll just be over here writing cloud haikus waiting to hear back…

      • PWG said

        If I were a man I’d still be a virgin, is what you’re saying. Little known fact: the CAS has exactly one member from the country of Jordan.

        Lady protesting too much: “I only found it because an ex-employee was trying to place scientists at NASA so she signed up for every newsletter they put out to hunt the squirrely little buggers down and now I’m going through her e-mail.”

      • I wonder if on some other blog somewhere out in the great wide interwebs, there’s an NJPWG telling her online friends all about the weird emails I left behind… I hope so. It’d be a shame if my Indian coworker’s repeated requests to “come at my desk” died with my previous employment.

  2. susanelle said

    Well, I hope you like looking at nearly naked men! Since you seem to be doing it professionally now.

    Very artistic ending to this post! Very Scott Fitzgerald-y.

    What does everyone think about this guy? http://www.greggvalentino.net/

    Finally, my two favorite highlights of yesterday’s comments: “derp” and “fish taco”

    • MLF said

      I think he looks gross. and shiny and sunburned but those things I am willing to over look

    • PWG said

      I’d never heard of him before this, but I have a lot of thoughts about him now.

      “After over 23 years of training naturally Gregg decided to experiment with steroids” — he’s honest, and stupid

      “Birthsign: Leo (King of the jungle babe)” — he needs a cockpunch

      The photo album tab on that web page is mind-boggling.

  3. MLF said

    muscles like that gross me out..it’s just not natural. the women are even worse ugh. maybe it’s just me but I think the only reason for people to be muscle-y like that is if you are like, living in the wilderness and hunting down your own food on foot. So in other words, unless you are a african tribal member, give it a damn rest! I’m all about the gym but cmon! eat a cheeseburger!!

    • cledbo said

      No one living in the wilderness could possibly manage to look like that. You need a LOT of protein shakes and assistance to get that abnormally huge. Bear Grylls doesn’t look like that.

  4. Lala said

    I think that’s pretty disgusting. And I don’t care whether it’s a man or a woman, all those muscles are gross. Also, I didn’t know it was necessary to have a song playing while they were posing, I thought they would just… actually, I’ve never thought about it before.

    • tiffanized said

      I’ve come to believe that the only reason anyone participates in public performance is because they have a song they consider to be their theme song and they want it to play while they pose/walk to the ring/participate in a Devil’s Threesome.

      • PWG said

        There’s your Friday question on a plate, Jordan. What are they going to play when you take the stage at KSWI-Con?

  5. When I saw the title, I was secretly hoping you were revisiting the Taye Diggs Corollary…

    Of all the places in the world to end up blackout drunk, surrounded by oily dudes in Columbus, OH, is not high up on my list. Bodybuilding freaks me out. I don’t understand the desire to look like that, nor the attraction to it. I’m sure that comes as a massive shock to everyone following my “Dan Connor” confession from last week.

    It’s pretty darn adorable that you and Dawgz have a Robsten-like hybrid nickname.

  6. cledbo said

    I enjoyed your story telling much more than the video, apart from Dawgz’ pithy, deep-voiced commentary of course. “My ass does not look like that” – a quotation for the ages. Give the man a Pulitzer! But seriously, if any of you have asses like that, you’re officially out of the KSWI club.

    I have to know, because in all those words you never really said it..OUT LOUD. What do you think of the whole extreme body building phenomenon? For or against? If I met any of those men (or women) in my day to day life, I would stand very very still, avoid eye contact, then slip away like a ninja at the earliest possible moment. This is not a good effect to have on people, generally.

  7. amanda said

    random- in the link from yesterdays post kstew says
    “Success is always something completely different for different people. I feel like I’ve succeeded if I’m doing something that makes me happy and I’m not lying to anybody. That’s why I feel really good about myself right now.”
    i like that because what i want to do with my life is out of the ordinary, and i feel like some people wouldnt see it as a success.

  8. kt said

    you know… i never thought that with a headline like “i hoe you like half naked guys” that you could go wrong. especially with this group of horndogs. kayswidge, you have proven that to not be the case. half naked oiled body builders is a big no. gross.

  9. PWG said

    So I was looking at Helen Mirren’s nipples. Mostly but not totally because her name has come up a few times on this imaginary list you’re working on.

    The attached article turned out to be pretty damn funny too, but I really laughed when I got to this line: “. . . you had to be tough, because maybe you do have 25 psychotic whores. A lot of them come from very dysfunctional backgrounds, and women together like that can be very dangerous.”

    Can you relate, Jordan? I know you can. That’s the little pep talk you give yourself right before you sit down to write for us, isn’t it? “Must. Be. Tough. I have 25 psychotic whores to pander to.”

    • cledbo said

      Pander to me, bear-boy, pander!


      Mr Cledbo just looked over my shoulder and asked what I was doing, and no word of a lie my response was “Posting crap in the den of iniquity again.” FML.

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