Move Over Augustine; I Have Confessions Too

June 24, 2010

Confession #1 – I just finished eating a corn muffin. If one was of a detective nature they would be able to deduce that I ate a corn muffin from several clues in the room. On the coffee table is a small plate with a butter knife and a I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter tub sitting on said plate as well. There are remnants of the previously existing muffin on the plate as well as a few crumbs attached to the “butter” on the butter knife. Also, there are crumbs of the muffin on my shirt. And shorts. And the couch. And the carpet.

What the fuck? I ate the muffin as casually and carefully as possible, but it is everywhere. As if the muffin exploded spontaneously in my hands and then I ate whatever cascaded towards me. No matter how diligently one tries to clean themselves of corn muffin crumbs, there are always more that one missed. It is like sand from a beach or glitter from a stripper. It will stay on your person for weeks post initial contact. How is there corn muffin in my socks?


Confession #2 – I may have secreted a liquid into my pants when Landon Donovan scored the game winning goal in the 91st minute of yesterday’s USA vs. Algeria game. Dawgz and I met a friend in the city to watch the game, much like we did with game 2 versus Slovenia. This time the bar was in mid-town, two floors and it’s called Tonic. Don’t ever go there. That is unless you find yourself apart of some tour of the life I lead for the year I wrote KSWI. The game was being shown on a myriad of televisions on the second floor and the tables were set up with everyone sitting shoulder to shoulder.

When the three of us got there, we snagged a few seats. We were 10 – 15 minutes early and almost all of the TVs were turned to the upcoming game. A couple minutes later, a middle aged Devil’s Threesome of Brits sat down at the other end of the table. I wasn’t really paying attention to them, but I did notice they were looking for a TV that had the England/Slovenia game on. After a minute, my buddy turns to them and says that he believes they have split the floors with the US game playing on the second floor and the England game playing on the first. They nodded, thanked us and left. Then my friend turns to me and said, “I have no idea if that was true. They were just freaking me out a little. I don’t want anything ruining the US vibe in here.” Brilliant.

Fast forward to the goal. The US had to win. There were scenarios that if Slovenia won or if England and Slovenia tied that the US could tie Algeria and still move on, but England was not tied and in fact they were winning 1-0 with Slovenia making no move to rectify that. The US had a goal stolen from us earlier in the match when the ref called offsides on an onsides Clint Dempsey. Game time was done. The 90 minutes had come to pass with the US clearing dominating the Algerians in this still 0-0 tie. The ref shows 3 minutes of stoppage time and right there it was as plain as day: if the US could not score a goal in these 3 minutes then the US will be eliminated. And then this shit happened (skip to 1:46):


The bar went riotous. Jumping up and down, screaming, high fives, hugging and I wouldn’t be surprised if a few, yes a few, babies were made.

Confession #3 – I have stopped watching the World Cup *gasp* in favor of Wimbledon *GASP* *fart*. I’m sure many of you have seen the article on Yahoo or on a number of other websites, but right now there is a match going on that may never end. Ever. Never. Ever. Never. End. On Tuesday, a regular old early round match started between American John Isner and the Frenchman Nicolas Mahut. On Wednesday, they continued playing their match. And today, being Thursday – these two motherfuckers are still playing this fucking same game.

Isner and Mahut were battling back and forth in a typical evenly matched tennis game that first day on Tuesday. Isner took the first set. Mahut the second. Isner and Mahut went to a tie break in the third set, which Mahut won. This was followed by a fourth set tie break, which Isner won. In Men’s Wimbledon, one needs to win 3 sets. The problem started when Isner and Mahut started their fifth set. The fifth set has different rules, namely there is no tie break. Isner or Mahut must win this set by two points like 6-4 or 7-5 or even 12-10. In essence, one of them has to hold their own serve and win a point on their own serve and then they have to break their opponent’s serve and win that point.


As I type this sentence, the fifth set is in its 131 st point with these two stubborn bastards tied at 65-65. SIXTY FIVE to SIXTY FIVE! ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY ONE POINTS! On Tuesday, I remember leaving the apartment when this match started. I made a comment to Dawgz that Isner is enormous – he is 6’9″ and he has a rifle for a serve. I also mentioned I had no clue who Mahut was. I watched part of the first set and then we left to go do whatever it is that we had to do. Yesterday, Dawgz and I returned from NYCizzle emotional drained, sweating from the oppressive heat and tired from waking up early, screaming and drinking beers all before noon. I turned on the TV and guess who I see: Isner and Mahut. And they’re still fucking playing. They were in that fifth set with around 30 plus points each. I sat and watched with little to no thought about how Germany and Ghana was unfolding.

Mahut just held serve again, so Isner will begin serving the 133 point, which was just started with Isner’s 109th ace. ONE HUNDRED AND NINTH! Meanwhile, Mahut has 103 aces himself. INSANITY. Isner is 25 and Mahut is 28 and I can only imagine that this epic fifth set will in the end have taken 30 years of their life off. I’m not hoping this will happen, but if the two of the keeled over at the end of this match whenever that may be, it will not shock me. They have invested so much into this that it will be astounding to see them even walk away from this match at all.

A normal tennis set is about 10 or so points, this fifth set of this first round of Wimbledon is at the 135th point. Using elementary math, it is over 13x what a normal set is. They played 4 sets to a tie basically. If this fifth set was seen as overtime – could you imagine watching a basketball go into 13+ overtimes? But that doesn’t really do it justice. Each point that is played is a full point and not a tiebreak point. It is the whole 15,30,40-point and the deuce and the love and that sounds weird saying that altogether. But it is really remarkable what these two guys are doing out there.

So fuck Italy and their garbage ass team losing to Slovakia. And fuck Paraguay and New Zealand and their 0-0 tie.

Also, there are some really hot tennis chicks.


Confession #4 – I hate Twilight. That isn’t much of a confession as really just a given. But that does not stop others from telling me about Twilight or keeping me up to date with what is happening with Twilight, which I never ask about. I get that I started this blog on my own volition and it is about Kristen Stewart and her wanting IT and Kristen is in Twilight, but people have run with that on their own. For instance:


Not saying anything is wrong with it, but that is the gift wrapping paper used for my birthday presents last week. It’s funny. It makes sense. I’m just saying… I still do not care for this movie and book series. So, last night I called mi padre up to say whaddup and he informs me that Jimmy Kimmel is having some Twilight thing on at 10pm. Again, I never asked about it, but people feel the need to tell me about these things. Again, I get why they do, I’m just saying THAT THEY DO THIS TO ME ALL THE TIME.

After dinner, I watched a great documentary It Might Get Loud. Once over, I turned on the TV. It was about 10:50 pm at this point… and curiosity got the better of me. I turned the fucking Jimmy Kimmel Twilight whatever that was on. I really don’t know what I can say that will be any more embarrassing than what that was already.

OH MY GOD! ISNER WON! HE FUCKING WON! IT’S OVER! THE SOULS OF THE WIMBLEDON DEAD CAN FINALLY REST! SEVENTY TO SIXTY EIGHT! UN-FUCKING-REAL! For a minute there, I was expecting this match to literally go on forever and I would just live my life with it going on in the background. A battle between to titans for the rest of eternity. I love it. They are presenting them with some memento for this match and one of the presenters is Tim Henman – brilliant. There is a soft spot in my heart for Tim Henman and his journeyman trials in Wimbledon being the home town favorite and never winning. He is also handsome, so ladies there could be a soft spot… oh forget it. The match lasted 11 hours and 5 minutes. Phenomenal performance by both men. SPORTS!

After the show was over, I checked my twitter feed because I was curious what the reactions of the public were. My twitter feed is pretty all Twilight and girl gossip randomly mixed with a few UFC fighters and Barack Obama. Thankfully, I was met with quite the red faced and furious 140 character tweets from you Twilight fans hating what was on TV.

Not only did the twitter feed seem to hate it, but so did the cast. Half of them looked like they were trying to pretend like they weren’t there. The other half was Peter Facinelli answering the dumbest questions. Numerous cuts to Kristen just shaking her head, numerous cuts to Rob with eyes glazed over believing he is better than all of this (and sincerely who isn’t), and I didn’t see any of the rest of them speak, blink or breath – they could have been wax sculptures for all I know.

I saw the last three questions and they were atrocious. The one thing I did hear that I liked though was when Kristen Stewart and Ashley Greene (who looked like a supermodel from the Fifth Element) said they don’t have guy fans. Well, I fucking hate those two Twilight movies, so “fan” is an odd term for me. But I know who you two leggy broads are and I’m a fan of that.


Confession #5 – The list of “50 women over 60 years old” was completed months ago. Finally, I got around to videotaping it. Yes, indeed the list will be apart of a video. I thought just posting the list would be a little boring to do again. So, there will be a video. Now I need to get my lazy Kristen Stewart/Ashley Greene liking ass to edit it. But safe to say, the wheels are in motion.

Questions for Friday.

35 Responses to “Move Over Augustine; I Have Confessions Too”

  1. PWG said

    I’m in a sports coma. All I’ve done this week is watch sports, bullshit here, enrich my auto mechanic and work. I have an ESPN soccer feed going on in the office and my DVR is busily recording that shit at home so I can see it all again later. It’s the equivalent of getting birthday presents wrapped in Pele paper, is all I’m saying.

  2. PWG said

    Don’t think I don’t appreciate your headline, by the way. I hold St. Augustine responsible for reality television. Keep some shit to yourself, Auggie.

  3. susanelle said

    Hahahaha… I did literally laugh aloud when I saw your birthday present wrapping paper. Never thought about the Twilight overload you must be getting, and felt sorry for you for a split second.

    (But then quickly thought: suck it up, buddy, cuz you’ve made tons of money and chattels from this…. right?)

  4. kt said

    i miss everything by sleeping in. i missed the soccer game yesterday, missed the tennis match today. sleep is ruining my life! not really i love sleeping, but funemployment has made me nocturnal and my sleep schedule is all effed up.

    question: is it rude to invite people to do something for your birthday that costs $20 for the activity alone. drinks and food are extra. everyone just keeps telling me “its your birthday” which is a very evasive response.

    • MLF said

      as a party planner extrordinaire, I will tell you that it is definitely not rude, but it may limit the number of people that can come. As a rule whenever I plan something I try to make sure that the first place we are going is really cheap. Then the next place can be expensive and whoever can afford it will go, and those who can’t won ‘t, but they still get to feel like they participated in your birthday celebrations.

      also as a rule I usually try to at least provide free food and drinks for any party but I think that’s just a southern thing. If I ever had people over and didn’t at least offer some sweet tea, there may be a rumble.

      • kt said

        good point. and you just made me confirm my plans. thanks milfie.

      • tiffanized said

        I don’t drink sweet tea but I always have it available in case someone comes over. I never questioned the waste before. It’s just a southern thing.

      • MLF said

        de nada. and yes. def. a southern thing. I think it should be a universal thing though, who doesn’t like sweet tea?!

      • I’ve never had sweet tea before in my life. I have chugged sweet tea vodka though, while playing a round of a game called “frisbeer”. I have no desire to drink it again anytime soon.

        You Southerners are too sweet with your hospitality and all. Come to my house and I can offer you a frozen burrito and tap water.

      • MLF said

        good to know: looks like I need to be in charge of snacks for KSWICon. Nobody panic- I’ve got the sweet tea and corn nuggets covered!!

  5. MLF said

    Kristen is looking a little thin…I mean this may be the pot calling the kettle black but somebody needs to tell the girl weed cannot make up all five food groups. Four? ok. Five? no. get her a cheeseburger!

    ashley greene is looking SMOKIN HAWT. SMOKIN. so yeah good for her. I’m liking the hair also.

    and your corn muffin dilema? This is easily fixed. Step one: get a larger plate. Step two: sit down at your kitchen table to eat. Step three: lean over the plate while eating said muffin. Gravity will cause all of the muffin crumbs to fall in a straight line downwards, and will then be caught by the new large and level surface area of the plate.

    you’re welcome.

    • PWG said

      I don’t think pot makes you thin. I’m not speaking from a wealth of personal experience here, but I’ve heard anecdotal stories of stoners swarming Taco Bells like zombies.

      • MLF said

        it depends, and there are several factors involved: The lower the quality of the weed the more likely you are to get the munchies and also to crave nasty food like taco bell. Personally I’ve lost a lot of weight from smoking weed before, although some of my friends have gained weight from smoking, it just depends on your eating habits to begin with. But a lot of habitual smokers smoke instead of eating, for several reasons, mainly though because eating after you smoke is a waste of time because it sobers you up, so for that reason alone a lot of stoners won’t eat after they smoke. I would never eat Taco Hell though, stoned or sober.

        Also a fun fact: smoking pot doesn’t necesarrily alter your metabolism, but it can help you lose weight because everytime you smoke and you get the munchies but you Don’t eat, you are training your body not to eat when it doesn’t really need food, so basically you alter your eating habbits. It helps eliminate boredom snacking ect.

        wow. I know way too much about this.

      • PWG said

        It has electrolytes!

      • MLF said

        does it really? ok I feel better now because I didn’t know that.

      • kt said

        bwahahahahahahahahaha! best. response. ever.

        Bwando’s got what plants crave.

      • MLF said

        omg. *snort* I am an idiot. and I love that movie!

      • PWG said

        I submit that Idiocracy is the single best source of movie quotes in the history of movies. This is from someone who had Jaws quotes at her wedding.

        “Water? Like out the toilet?”

    • kt said

      i agree with pweeg. weed just makes me want cheetos and rice krispy treats. i like crunchy stuff when im baked.

    • tiffanized said

      My confession: I’ve never smoked pot. Yet I get the munchies and gain weight all the time. I feel like I’m missing something without at least getting high first.

  6. kt said

    maybe i just have a type when it comes to girls, but that tennis player chick is not at all attractive in my opinion. ashley greene however… id totally switch teams for her.

  7. PWG said

    “So, last night I called mi padre up to say whaddup and he informs me that Jimmy Kimmel is having some Twilight thing on at 10pm.”

    As in, your actual father knows Kimmel, Twilight, and that you write this blog?

  8. This isn’t the first time we’ve heard of your distressful adventures with a muffin. I think you’re doing it wrong… Maybe you should consider finding another breakfast food.

    I’m missing all the sports fun thanks to lameployment. I feel very out of the loop these days since my Twitter feed consists largely of World Cup chatter (and, of course, the usual Twilight drivel). I keep tweeting the most random, unrelated shit as a result. Not that that’s all that new…

    My Friday question was going to be why were you able to come up with a list of fuckable old dudes so much faster than you were able to come up with a list of fuckable old broads, but you already answered that. You must be psychic. Or someone already busted your balls for it and I’m late to the game… Either way, I’m excited to see what this video entails. Sexy music? Topless Helen Mirren? Some Dawgz-on-Jordan interview action, mayhaps?

    • PWG said

      I’m sorry you were physically CAPABLE of typing this without an asterisk: “This isn’t the first time we’ve heard of your distressful adventures with a muffin.”

      I hate what the corporate world has done to you, HB.

      • WHAT HAVE I DONE? I thought I included it. Commence self-imposed commenting ban until I’ve learned my lesson and can play with the big kids again.

      • MLF said

        self imposed comment ban?! WORST IDEA EVER!!! I think what you need instead is an INCREASE in commenting to get you back in form. All in favor of more comments from HB, say aye.

      • susanelle said


  9. Lala said

    I think I’ve already watched approximately 58 minutes of soccer so far, that is adding the 2-5 minutes I watch in each match. Therefore, I already filled my quota of watching any kind of sports for about two years.

  10. PWG said

    Friday question: call the winner of this epic battle

    “LOS ANGELES — Syfy has cast 1980s pop-star rivals Debbie Gibson and Tiffany in one of the network’s signature Saturday night original movies.

    The cable network promises an epic battle between the former teen pop stars, who will co-star in “Mega Python vs. Gatoroid.”

    Gibson will play a fanatical animal-rights activist who frees illegally imported exotic snakes from pet stores, sending them into the Everglades, where they grow to mega sizes. Tiffany will play an overzealous park ranger who uses dangerous methods to save endangered alligators. In the script, the pair brawl at a party, then take matters outside into the swamp.”

    • MLF said

      on a somewhat related note- I effing DESPISE the tree hugger types that think releasing exotic into Florida’s wild is ok. it’s not. Firstly- imagine being five and happening upon a boa constrictor in your back yard in Boca. NOT COOL. nine times out of ten, the released animals negatively effect the eco system and fuck everything up. same thing goes for plants- case in point, the australian pine. yup.

    • MLF said

      but this “Mega Python vs. Gatoroid” show thing sounds delightful.

  11. barry said

    isnt there a “50 women over 60” remix the bad standards did?!?! which one came first, the chicken (you) or the bad standards (studs)?/?

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