Seth Rogen, Jason Segel and Paul Rudd walk into a bar…

June 29, 2010

So, yesterday I started thinking about a screenplay idea. It was something simple about being single and finding someone et cetera. I started writing it in my head and then I started writing some of it out. This is what I got so far. I didn’t use character names and instead just used actors’ names for the parts that I have envisioned them as in my head.

Just think of it as a lost Judd Apatow production.

———

Seth Rogen is asleep in bed. His room is a tomb to an adult kid: stacks of comic books, piles of laundry, movie posters and little to no furniture.

Seth’s telephone alarm goes off. Seth moans and groans.

Seth Rogen (SR): Uhhh… I don’t want to get up. I hate the morning. I’m so tired…

He reaches over to the phone; the alarm reads 12pm.

SR: Oh shit, I should get up. It isn’t even morning. It is the PM.

Seth gets up and walks around the room, tripping over his laptop charger cord. He goes into the bathroom, pees, and Listerines.

Music (Bob Marley/Allman Brothers… something) is playing somewhere in the apartment.

SR (yelling): Hey man. Morning or good afternoon.

Jason Segel (JS) (yelling back): Yeah, man. Good afternoon to you too. I couldn’t sleep.

SR: Sucks. I’ll be down.

Seth goes back into his room and goes through some laundry to find a Boston Celtics t-shirt and a pair of shorts. He smells the clothes to make sure they don’t stink too bad. He also grabs his laptop.

Seth enters from upstairs.

It is a two story house/apartment. The whole place looks like something out of a Kevin Smith film. Jason Segel is sitting on the couch with no shirt on. The TV is on with no sound playing tuned to SportsCenter, the music is playing, Jason has his laptop on next to him and he is reading the newspaper.

Seth drops down on the couch next to him and turns on his computer as well.

SR: You were saying you couldn’t sleep. That’s the worst.

JS: Yeah, I don’t know. It was like 1 am and I was flipping through the channels. I saw the Jackson 5 movie was playing on VH1 and the next thing I know it is 5am and I’ve cried, I’ve screamed, I’ve been terrified, I’ve been redeemed and I’m wondering about the future.

SR: I hear you. That movie just sucks you in.

Jason starts packing a bowl for them to smoke.

SR: Really? This early?

JS: Early? “The View” has been over for 2 hours. I’ve had my sober time. You just woke up late.

SR: You’re right.

Both Jason and Seth get high.

A quick montage of them fooling around on their laptops, listening to music, watching TV and taking some phone calls.

SR: I’m going to go grab a sandwich from down the street. Do you want anything?

JS: Get me a drink. Something that sounds nutritious, so I can fool myself into thinking that I sort of worked out today and did something good for my body, but I really didn’t. And not a yogurt drink. Those are always terrible.

SR: Fruit drink, loaded with vitamins. Got it. Anything else?

JS: Chocolate cupcakes with cream filling.

SR: Gotcha.

Seth leaves the apartment. He lives in a brownstone in Jersey City. It is a nice sunny day out. People are walking around, some jogging, mothers pushing babies, school kids running around et cetera.

Seth walks into a family run deli/convenience store that is a block from his place.

Inside the store there is a typical setup of coolers with sodas and different drinks, racks with chips and candy, magazines, single serving of household products and a deli counter.

There are two guys working the store. One running the register is Middle Eastern (Tony) and the deli guy is Mexican (Miguel).

There is a TV in the store that they are transfixed on. When Seth walks in the last few seconds of an episode of “The Wire” is playing. Real intense, real thug, really inappropriate for 2pm in a convenience store.

Tony (T): Whew. That was rough. How could Stringer just kill Wallace like that? He was just a kid.

Miguel (M): The game is the game.

The two look like they’ve been through a car wreck. Tony sees Seth walking in.

T: Hey there, boss. What’s going on?

SR: Hey there, guys. Not much, not much. Was that “The Wire”?

T: Yeah, we got Verizon Fios for the store. It’s on OnDemand. Neither of us have watched it. Have you seen the “The Wire”?

SR: Yeah, it’s a great show. I watched it when it was on and I really-

T: Of course, you watched it: you’re white. All white people have seen this show and they all love it.

SR: Yep, I’m white. Well I-

T: Did you see the game last night?

SR: I did, I did indeed. It was an exciting game. Very close.

Tony is nodding, but not saying anything.

SR: I’m glad the Celtics won in the end. But a good game-

T: It was a shit game.

SR: What? A what game?

M: Shit.

T: Yes, a shit game.

M: A bullshit game.

T: Right exactly. A bullshit game. 80 – 73!?!

SR: It was a defensive game.

T: No, a shit game. What type of garbage score is that? What is this the WNBA?

SR: No, it’s not the WNBA. Not that there is anything wrong with the WNBA. They have great fundamentals. I have seen some good WN-

T: A shit game. That Rajon Rondo, I think he is all hype. And the Big 3? They are older than my grandfather’s dick.

SR: Woah, that’s uncalled for.

M: His grandfather’s dick.

SR: Seriously, twice? C’mon, man. You know I’m a Celtics fan. I’m wearing their t-shirt.

T: Are we in Boston? Are we even in Massachusetts?

M: No.

T: Right, this is New Jersey! I don’t give a shit about your Celtics. Knicks or Nets sure, I’ll give respect, but not this Celtics shit. How do you not root for Knicks or Nets, boss? We grew up on Knicks and Nets.

SR: Aren’t you from Syria?

T: Yeah, whatever. Still, fuck the Celtics.

SR: How about some reverence for the shirt? Bad mouth them on any other day when I’m not wearing their shirt. Fair?

T: Ok. Ok, just because you’re wearing the shirt.

There is a moment of silence as they settle their impromptu beefing.

T: What the hell are you even here for?

SR: A sandwich. A couple drinks. I’m here for commerce. Is that ok?

T: Yeah, sure. Miguel will make you a sandwich. We have drinks. It’s all here. Miguel, sandwich?

M: Put on more “The Wire” and I’ll make the sandwich.

A few minutes later, Seth leaves the store with a bag of groceries. As he is walking back to his apartment his cell phone starts ringing. He picks it up.

SR: Hey, what’s up, Paul?

Paul Rudd (PR): Just calling to see if you wanted to make some money.

SR: I thought I told you I wasn’t prostituting anymore.

PR: Ahhh, funny. That’s what I need. I need you to be funny. You’re so clever. No one is as clever-

SR: What do you want me to write?

Paul is in an office working for a website and dressed casually. He is dressed more or less like he’s going to see The National in concert: jeans, button-up shirt, fashionably thin and colorful tie. The office is set-up like TMZ if they helped make “Where The Wild Things Are” ie hipsters with a 401(k).

PR: It’s a think piece about the rise of German hostility in the decade leading up to World War-

SR: What is it really?

PR: What do you think it is? It’s about who the sexiest actresses are in zombie movies and you rank them in order by who you would save from an attacking brain eating mob so she can later mercilessly bang you as a gratuity for being so heroic.

SR: So, it’s like every other post I write for you?

Seth enters his apartment. Jason is smoking again and now watching Rambo.

Seth drops the bag of groceries on the table in front of Jason. Jason rifles through the bag for his drink and treats.

JS: The third Rambo is on TV. The forgotten Rambo. Like the U2 song where the Edge raps; no one talks about it.

PR: Ok, so I never call for you to write the sequel to “The Catcher in the Rye”. I’m sorry. Boo hoo, I’m paying you to write crass jokes and make up lists of hot chicks. Get over it. It’s the internet; people want to be entertained while they’re slaving away at some desk. I know I do. There are plenty of other unemployed writers that would jump at this article or any of the others I specifically offer to you first.

SR: Ok, ok. When is it due by?

PR: Why does that matter? What could you possibly be having going on besides getting stoned that would prevent you from writing this and turning it into me in an hour?

SR: Yes, getting stoned and eating lunch. That takes awhile when you’re stoned.

JS: Is that Paul? Tell him “Rambo III” is on.

PR: What’s Jason saying?

SR: He wants me to tell you that “Rambo III” is on.

PR: Really? No one ever talks about it. It’s like Jeremy Piven being bald for 10 years and then when Entourage started he suddenly had a full head of hair.

JS: What is he saying?

SR: He said “Rambo III” was like Jeremy Piven being bald.

JS: Exactly. He was brought in to play George on the show within a show on “Seinfeld”. Jason Alexander is still bald, but now Piven has a better head of hair than you or I.

PR: Are you writing the article?

SR: Yeah, yeah. Zombie films, sure why not? But I’m getting high and watching Rambo help Afghanistan beat the Ruskies first.

PR: By all means.

SR: I’ll call you back in a few hours when its done.

PR: Thank you, honey. Goodbye and remember, I love you.

Seth hangs up shaking his head.

Paul is laughing to himself at his office. He stands up and clears his throat like he is making an announcement to all the website workers surrounded in their low rising cubicle walls.

PR: I just wanted everyone to be aware that the zombie article is a go!

They all shake their heads or look away in indifference. Paul is giving them two big thumbs up of encouragement.

PR: It’s a go! You’re welcome.

Seth sits on the couch and opens his laptop. He opens the grocery bag and assembles his lunch: sandwich, drink and chips. Jason is eating his cupcakes in a unique fashion: eating them inside out. The opening credits of “Rambo III” is playing on TV.

SR: Do you think you can help look up hot chicks in zombie movies?

JS: Are you asking if I can do two things at once? Split my attention between the movie and doing such highbrow research? Do you think I’m a simpleton or something?

Jason’s face and hands are covered in cream filling and chocolate cupcake crumbs.

SR: You’re right. I was wrong to question you.

90 minutes later and “Rambo III” is in its closing credits.

Jason and Seth have their full attention buried into their laptops with numerous browser windows open to random good looking actresses who have appeared in zombie movies like Asia Argento and Rose Byrne. Seth is furiously typing away.

JS: Did Sarah Polley make the final list?

SR: No.

JS: No? That’s all you have to say is “no”. Why not?

SR: I don’t know. She doesn’t do anything sexy in “Dawn of the Dead”. I just didn’t think of her character in that way. She didn’t have that bang me 5 minutes after a zombie battle vibe.

JS: Why? Because she is a strong beautiful woman? Are you threatened by strong women, Seth? Is that it? Is that where this prejudice against the golden haired Sarah Polley comes from?

SR: No. Her character’s husband and her only daughter become undead flesh eating zombies that morning, so I just don’t picture her in that way. Also, I think you are biased about Sarah Polley. She’s pretty, but I wouldn’t categorize her as the “sexiest” of something.

JS: I’m biased? Have I seen “Go” close to 30 times? Yes. Have I seen the hauntingly beautiful “The Sweet Hereafter” close to 20 times? Yes.

SR: Have you also watched countless times “Away From Her” a story about a senior citizen couple coping with the wife’s battle with Alzheimer’s starring Julie Christie and directed by Sarah Polley?

JS: Point taken. She’s just so talented and beautiful. Where are you, Sarah Polley?

Seth puts his final touches on the article and then sets the laptop on the floor.

SR: You know, you’re right. I have no right to criticize.

JS: It’s your job to criticize. You’re making jokes, coming up with lists.

SR: If I saw Sarah Polley in person, I wouldn’t know what to say. Not because she is somewhat famous, but because she is just a hot girl.

JS: She is hot.

SR: What honestly could I offer her to allow me to have sex with her or simply date her?

JS: Is that how you look at it? Like a reverse dowery?

SR: Yes. Yes that is how I see relationships. As a medieval tradition in reverse. Girls are pretty and smell nice and I’m arguing with sandwich shop guys about the Celtics three days a week. What could I offer them?

JS: You’re funny.

SR: I’m not that funny. I’m not so funny that my funniness should result in sex.

JS: That’s true. How about this? I’ve been dating April for the past few months. What do I offer her?

SR: I don’t know. Your height. You are much taller than her. She probably requires things to be gotten off of high shelves and you can accomplish that for her.

JS: Is that what you think I do when I spend the night at her place in the city? I arrive and immediately begin taking tupperware and spices off the top shelf and hand them to her then later we have sex because of that?

SR: Maybe. I guess not. I have to call, Paul.

JS: To be continued.

Seth picks up his phone and calls Paul.

SR: I just sent you the article. I didn’t link any pictures. If you want-

PR: No, this is perfect. I can get one of the nerds in the “art department” to search for pictures on Google. Don’t sweat it.

SR: Ok. I’ll let you get back to work then. Nice doing business with you. Transaction completed.

PR: Wait, wait, wait. Janet and I wanted to invite you to dinner tonight. We haven’t seen you in awhile. Or I mean she hasn’t seen you in awhile. Just thought it would be a nice change of pace. Janet’s cooking-

SR: Why? Why does Janet want to cook for me? I thought Janet hated me.

JS: She does.

PR: Hate is a strong word. She just doesn’t know you like I do.

SR: What does that mean? Do you want me to go to a four year college with her and get blind drunk on Everclear every weekend? That’s the only way she would really get to know me like you do. Is this a set-up? Am I dying or something?

PR: Honestly, I asked her if she could hook you up with one of her friends. And she wants to have dinner with you *cough* quiz you *cough* to see which one you’ll be best with.

SR: No. No. Not happening.

PR: Seriously, why not? You’re single. Janet and I are willing to provide a service for you. A service to hopefully get you laid and maybe not die alone. It is a noble effort from both of us.

SR: I don’t want to go, but either way I can’t go. I’m supposed to meet with a couple guys about writing a screenplay for an independent film. So, there’s that.

PR: That’s great. That sucks you can’t come tonight, but it’s great you are hanging out with random dudes… to write for them. You will come over to our place sometime soon. Janet will cook for you, you won’t be a dick to her, she’ll probably give you the number of her least liked friend, but it’ll be good. I swear.

SR: Sure, sure. But not tonight, because I’m busy with the dudes and the screenplay tonight.

PR: Alright, thanks for the article. Love you.

Seth hangs up.

JS: Do you want to go into the city tonight? April and some of her friends are going to Whiskey Town for drinks. I was going to meet them there later. Should be a good time. Do you want to go? Some of her friends can get pretty slutty.

SR: Didn’t you just hear me tell Paul I had plans tonight?

JS: Yeah, but I know those plans are bullshit because I live with you. You don’t converse with random guys about writing screenplays. Just come in the city with me.

SR: I don’t know. “Whiskey Town”? Sounds like too much for a Wednesday night.

JS: You’re unemployed. Wednesday night can be like any night for you.

Seth thinks it over, but looks anti the idea.

SR: You know I’ve been talking-

JS: Here comes the excuse.

SR: I wanted to take my laptop in to get the ram upgraded. And I was thinking about going to the mall to get that done.

JS: Tonight?

SR: Yeah, tonight.

JS: You’ve been talking about that for months without even the slightest inkling of actually doing it and now tonight is the night. The night that you could go into the city, meet some girls and have a good time instead of last night when you sat around watching “Arrested Development” re-runs, drinking a bottle of wine and eating Cheerios. Tonight is the mall, ram upgrade night?

SR: That’s what I’m saying. And you know how long it takes to go to the mall. It turns into a whole thing: traffic, parking, customers. You know how crazy the food court is. I could be gone for hours.

JS: Fine. Whatever you say.

SR: I’m going to take a shower and then go. Wish me luck.

Seth heads up stairs. Jason just shakes his head and turns his attention back to the newspaper, TV, and laptop.

30 minutes later – Seth is driving in his car. Music is playing and their are no cars on the road. All lights are turning green for him. He is in disbelief.

Seth pulls into the mall parking lot.

SR: I think that may have been a world record. I should have videotaped this to show that it is possible to drive to places in a timely manner. Why did I get here so fast?

Seth is walking through the mall. There are people lounging around the mall trying to beat the heat. There are couples and parents with their kids. There are a lot of teenagers walking around being loud. And there are a lot of hot girls at the mall. Seth stares at them without trying to look like he is staring at them as if he was a pickpocket from “Oliver Twist”.

A group of three hot girls who are in mid-conversation walk past Seth without a glance at him. He continues to watch them after they pass as if seeing royalty.

SR: They’re like a different species from me. They’re from the flawless princess angel tribe and I’m from the pig people.

Seth sees the Mac store and walks in.

———-

Feedback and cleavage pictures are appreciated. Per usual.

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26 Responses to “Seth Rogen, Jason Segel and Paul Rudd walk into a bar…”

  1. susanelle said

    ThreeFour things:
    1. Yay, I am so glad you are working on a screenplay (even if it is only really a diary). So far, so good.
    2. You’re way handsomer than Seth Rogen, but you might think about glasses as a potential accessory if you ever want to change up your look.
    3. I can’t believe you’ve seen “The Sweet Hereafter” and “Away From Her”! Have you really? Have you reviewed these anywhere?
    4. Julie Christie better be on the 60 over 60 list….

    • MLF said

      “even if it is really only a diary”

      bingo.

      • susanelle said

        But I do mean an entertaining diary! I mean — it’s just coming to him, right, he doesn’t have to orchestrate anything… it’s a reality screenplay, lol.

  2. Seth Rogen + Jason Segel + Paul Rudd = my idea of some pretty excellent participants for my Devil’s Foursome. Or maybe at that point it’s a Devil’s Gangbang… Semantics. Whatever it is, it’s a good time. And probably hilarious, too.

    This feels very autobiographical. It also seems like something I’d like. I would send you cleavage pictures in appreciation, but this v-neck cable knit sweater isn’t really doing much for them.

    I have to go to the mall to pick up my computer from the Mac store tonight… crossing my fingers that I run into Seth Rogen while I’m there.

  3. MLF said

    you shoulda gone to dinner with “Janet.” isn’t she a good cook? Who turns down a free homecooked meal? you fucked up. Dawgz oops I mean JS is right- The Mac store is always gonna be there dude.

    I wonder what she made for dinner, sigh.

    I’m hungry. oh well. off to the gym

    laterzzz

  4. MLF said

    on another mostly unrelated note, my friend had lunch with Paul Rudd in NYC this past spring. she said he was really, really nice. She is in love with Jason Segel and Paul Rudd is friends with him so he texted him for her during lunch and told her that he found his future wife. I thought that was nice of Paul. Espesh since she is drop dead gorgeous…if I were Paul I would not have been texting my friend to hand over this hot girl to him but hey. apparently he is a really really nice guy? or maybe he just has a girlfriend.

    • WHAT! I am jealous of your friend. I thought I was lucky when P.Rudd showed up at Conan’s stand-up gig at Radio City earlier this month and I got to drool over him from the mezzanine, but that is peanuts compared to lunch with him. Not even peanuts. What’s a way shittier nut? Walnuts? That’s walnuts.

      And I think he’s married. Props to him for not being a typical hollywood dbag.

      • MLF said

        seriously? wow I am so out of the loop. NOOOOO idea he was married. and yeah her name is Annabelle DeSisto..not sure if her page is private but you can go facebook stalk her, she has met like a bagillion and one celebritites….it’s funny though we’ve been bffl’s since third grade but I have not once gone with her to meet any of them. it’s not really my thing but it’s totally hers, she’s an intern on a radio station out in seattle soon to be LA. I’m pretty sure her goal is to be the next Seacrest.

        My goal is to go eat 730 calories in one sitting since that’s how many I burned at spinning WHOOOOO

        and don’t feel concerned about me giving out her name or encouraging people to stalk her- she be totally supportive of it haha

        ps- you are not walnuts OR peanuts. I’m not sure if you know this, but you’re kinda a big deal

        for the record I enjoy peanuts AND walnuts.

        and ten points to whoever gets that movie reference even though it’s ridiculously easy

  5. PWG said

    This is in no way a bookmark so I’m notified of follow-up comments even though I’m currently buried under a mountain of ones and zeroes and can’t read the PR, JS and SR madness above yet. In no way.

    • MLF said

      I cannot tell you how many times I want to do that..when I really have nothing to say but I still want to see all the hilarious things the sisterwives are saying?

      only I never have the balls to do it so instead I will say something like, oh, “that girl is really hot”

      not like my initial comment from yesterday. not at all. haha

      • cledbo said

        You’re on your way to replacing PWG and HB for binge commenting around here, MLF – *sniff* we’re so proud!

  6. cledbo said

    I like. The parts where you Seth is talking to himself I think need to be sub-vocal, because only crazy people like me talk to themselves, particularly in public.

    Other than that, so far I could see myself watching this, maybe renting it from a video store, but probably not paying to see it at the cinema. I would need more ‘hook’ to hand over $15 plus popcorn and drinks, TBH.

    No cleavage, it’ll be lucky to top out at 10 degrees today and I’m dressed like a very stylish Mormon, basically.

    • MLF said

      as long as you aren’t dressed as SM’s idea of a stylish mormon in a godawful maroon frock, I am ok with it. If you are infact wearing a godawful maroon frock SM style- go change. immediately. As your sisterwife I love you and it is my job to tell you when you have brocoli in your teeth or are dressing like SM soo..yeah. smiley face.

      • MLF said

        you know what? why do we type out smiley face? why not just make an actual smiley face? I like emoticons dammit and I will emmoticon if I want!

        🙂 🙂 🙂 hah! just try to stop me. I’m on a damn smiling rampage!

      • MLF said

        PS- WHO’S STOKED FOR ECLIPSE?! I’m popping my midnight showing cherry tonight whoooo! wish me luck. hopefully I won’t hit any teeny boppers

      • cledbo said

        Resisting the urge to projectile vomit and/or rage out is very difficult at midnight showings. I went to NM, but can’t go to Eclipse due to the wonder that is a 3 HOUR MORNING MEETING AAARRRHHGGGHHGHGHoifashrila.jnklfje$#&($)@
        So yeah, now I’m waiting for my LTT t-shirt to turn up in the post then I’ll go. Probably during the day, hopefully I won’t punch out any Twimoms in that case.

        FYI I am wearing, from the bottom up*, black boots, grey pants, a white shirt, thick red belt and big dangly necklace. The shirt is buttoned almost to the top, which is the ‘Mormon’ bit. I look respectable, which is very funny because clearly I’m not.
        Thank you for being my fashion accountability partner, milfy. I do need it sometimes, but thankfully never in reference to maroon.

  7. AmyAlmost said

    I love Rose Byrne and watching re-runs of Arrested Development. The Deli scene felt a little flight of the conchords. No one talks about U2’s numb? Is that the song? Because that’s a good point.

  8. Lala said

    Realy nice screenplay. Autobiographical? Sure, but still nice. You totally deserve cleavage pictures for it.

  9. amanda said

    La Roux is a pretty cool chick.
    I admire her hair.

    The Last Airbender!! Jackson Rathbone is in it and im pretty stoked. my friends watched the tv show and they enjoyed it very much. so everyone will be happy.

    i could definitely see this screenplay being the story of your life. in a good way.

    ps is there an arrested development movie out/ coming out in the near future?
    i must see it.
    that show was what i woke up to that past two summers.
    most kids wake up to cartoons.
    i wake up to michael cera in a banana shack with amy poehlers husband doing magic tricks on a segway.

  10. campbelld said

    Man, I wanna see this movie. You’ve got that pitter-patter, we’re old friends dialogue going that they do so very, very well. It’s one of the strengths of their films.
    Where does this go, though, I’m wondering? Whats the catalyst for change? Is it a chick? New job? Does Jason Segel die in an horrific accident? Actually, that might be a bit different. Have a twenty/thirty minute intro, then kill off a main character. Most of these ‘friend dies and we re-evalute our lives’ movies just kill him off before the movie starts.

    • cledbo said

      Scream did it the best.

      Not from a catalyst point of view, just killing of a major actress after a few minutes of screen time. Brilliant. And hilarious.

  11. Rob said

    wow what a POS drop dead you loser

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