Happy Friday! I got me some questions for my Happy Friday. What did you all get? I have one plan this Friday, this Fri-day, this Fri-night – I am seeming Dinner for Schmucks. I am seeing that! I can’t wait. It looks great. I wish I had a date. The kinds I could ate. Not a person I need to pay for their trip to the movies date. I’m kidding I would take either or both date.

I’m definitely seeing Dinner for Schmucks. I am a big fan of The Dinner Game, the French film the movie is based on. As Americans tend to do, Dinner for Schmucks looks to be a lot more ridiculous than The Dinner Game. The original French movie appears to be the basis of the movie, but they blow that idea up and expound upon it greatly. Nevertheless, The Dinner Game is a solid rental for those who have not seen it and can read subtitles.

My only other plan is to keep watching videos of The Ohio Players and their appearances on Midnight Special. This show should be repackaged and sold on DVD.

QUESTIONS!

Arcade Fire? Yay or nay? –

Nay. I will have to say “nay” on this new Arcade Fire album. In general, I love Arcade Fire. Or I love their first two albums: Funeral and Neon Bible. It has become abundantly clear they will never make anything as genius as Funeral again. That album is unbelievable. Neon Bible is a great album as well, but already shows that they are not going to be a fuzzy chaotic band anymore. So the new album? I gave it a run through the other day and I didn’t really like any of it. There were two songs that showed promise, but that’s it. Promise. I don’t think they delivered on the promise, but they showed some. I am very disappointed in the album.

To put it crassly: the songs are a melancholy handjob where you never get to cum.

And that is for the “good” songs. Some of the songs just are not good at all. The “good” songs have a lot of buildup and tension at points, but then they never have the FREAK OUT that all bands need. There needs to be a point in the song where the band kind of loses track of what song they’re playing and goes off. Sometimes that is called the “breakdown”. Like think about “Hey Jude” by The Beatles. All “Hey Jude” is is a repeating escalating song for 3 minutes and then the FREAK OUT. Imagine “Hey Jude” without the last 3 minutes of the song. What would be the point? And “Hey Jude” is my favorite Beatles song for all of you keeping record.

So, I’m not sure what you are looking for in terms of music. Maybe you want a melancholy handjob where you never cum. I don’t know. If you’re looking for rock music that rocks that was made recently, I would suggest The Ponys.

Is it possible to make a good Hulk movie?

I completely believe so. The two Hulk movies that have come out are not that crazy different from each other. I think the second Hulk movie had a better idea, but a bad director and probably bad writers to make that idea happen. Super hero movies are always bogged down with the “origin story”. Generally speaking, the origin of a super hero is the most boring part of that super hero. The hero isn’t doing anything all that super. Also, super heroes usually fight super villains and do wild stuff with their super powers and none of that happens in origin stories. There are only a few characters in all of comic books that actually have a good and interesting origin story. For instance: Wolverine’s origin story is excellent and the Wolverine movie did an excellent job fucking that up. I couldn’t believe what an excellent job they did fucking up that excellent story. Just remarkably terrible.

Anyway, I think if I made a Hulk movie I would tell the origin story in flashbacks or dream sequences or something and get it over with quick. The Hulk has villains to fight. The Hulk even becomes a villain. The Hulk has about a billion comics he is in because he is a good character and people have figured out how to use him. Ang Lee’s Hulk sucks. No villain for Hulk to fight and the whole thing is boring ass origin story. The second Hulk sucks. Mostly an origin story and mostly a story where he is denying himself as the Hulk. Also, shitty directing.

A super hero can have moments of doubt and so forth, but a super hero is a super hero because they grab hold of their nuts and they announce to the world “I’m going to fuck that dude up because I’m the greatest. And these are my big super hero nuts.” Think Goku. Goku from the Dragonball Z anime is one of the greatest super heroes ever conceived. He has no quit in him and he knows that he will do everything and anything to succeed and even if he dies, he’ll still figure out a way to pass his power onto his son or come back from the dead with a halo over his head to defeat the enemy. Goku wants to fucking win. And that never changes.

Make the Hulk like that. It would be a good movie. No one wants to see passive not sure of himself Hulk. I want Hulk to have balls. Big green balls!

I’m a little concered about turning in a picture of my want. I understand that I have to, since otherwise I will be consorting with the devil. You’ll grade on a curve, won’t you?

SEND THAT PICTURE! I am going to love and adore any and all pictures that you and all of you will send. I will print out each picture and anoint them with oil, tether them to a silk pillow and keep them in a solid gold china cabinet in the panic room of my apartment and every night I will sing each picture a lullaby and wish a goodnight sleep.

Seriously, I’m not sure why you think I’m going to do something dastardly with the contest pictures. I’m pretty sure my goal was to have a contest. And that’s about as far as I thought. I did not think everyone was crazy paranoid about taking pictures of themselves like the camera would steal their souls. Who fucking knew!?! I’ve shown pictures of myself on this motherfucking website and you don’t see me freaking the fuck out about it. I mean I don’t have a soul so taking pictures of myself wasn’t a problem. I lost my soul years ago when the Major League Baseball players had a strike and I was 9 and it broke me.

It’s a contest. There are prizes.

Are you not allowed to be blonde in New Jersey?

They’re not from NEW JERSEY! Anyway, yes. Tara Reid is from New Jersey and so is Ali Larter. They’re blonde. How much more proof could you possibly need?

Question for Friday: How are the entries for the contest going? Are you getting many (any) submissions?

I know for a fact you have not sent me in a picture, missy miss who sent this question. I have received some entry pictures. Thank you to those who have. Some of your faithful commenting staffers have sent in pictures. Some haven’t. You know who you are. Some lurkers have sent in pictures as well. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t send in a picture. Send in a fucking picture! The better the contest will be with more contestants. That’s just how shit gets done.

should i watch the matrix? what are your thoughts on that movie?

YES!!!!!! First, don’t listen to the haters. The Matrix sequels are fine. Actually they are more than fine. Actually actually, it depends on what you want in a movie. If you want action then FUCKING WATCH THESE MOVIES. If you don’t want action and would instead like a movie about sending letters to some guy you just met on a beach then don’t watch this movie. I love The Matrix. Love it. It is an interesting movie that touches on a lot of philosophical subjects and such, but never forget that 100% it is an action movie. People got tied into this action movie having a good storyline that they forgot that they should be focused on the action.

The Matrix – great story, great action. The Matrix: Reloaded – good story, GREAT action. The Matrix: Revolutions – nothing special story and one great action scene at the end.

I have sat and watched The Matrix and The Matrix: Reloaded dozens upon dozens of times. The third, Revolutions, isn’t the best. It isn’t bad, but really the only scene that is worth watching is the final fight between Agent Smith and Neo. That is a great action scene.

If you like action movies then you should watch them. The first two Matrix movies in my opinion are two of the best action movies made ever. And as far as movie making and so forth, The Matrix is easily one of the most important films ever.

And with that…

I hope everyone has a great weekend. Thank you for your questions. Thank you for whoever sent me a picture(s) thus far. And to those who haven’t – get off your lazy ass and take a picture of yourself looking like you want it or making fun of Kristen Stewart. It’s not the hardest thing in the world to do.

And if you get bored this weekend and are in search of love. I shall point you to this man who made the greatest comment this week on this blog on the “50 over 60” women list.

i m Ahmad from pakistan i want a woman who experience of love ,sex and life.woman of any country i waiting with love and care …(bla1213@yahoo.com)

On second thought, please do not email Ahmad. Especially, my younger readers because somehow I believe there will be legal blowback on me if you did email Ahmad.

Have a great weekend.

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Tonight is not just like every other night. Tonight we will eat leaven bread not like every other night. Some nights we do not eat leaven bread because we choose to eat crackers. I prefer Ritz, but Saltines are perfectly acceptable. Club crackers, which many forget even exist until one mentions them are also a fine substitute. Crackers are not leaven bread and we may eat them. Crackers are not leaven bread, right? They don’t look “leaven”. Crackers are a little more than paper thick, instead of big breasted loaf of bread. I’ve been reading a lot of Tom Wolfe and he loves describing big rolling hilly lawns as being big breasted. A loaf of potato bread would be a full C cup and a cracker would be a training bra amount of “leaven”.

Someone is ringing my doorbell* — I’ll be right back…

… I’m back.

That was the Jehova’s Witnesses. Not all of them. Just two well dressed women. They were very nice and I to them. Their first question was about how bad the world has gotten with the wars and earthquakes and hurricanes and such, so “do you think God has left us?” My response “No”. She responded, “Why?” And I answered, “I don’t think God can leave us.” Then she explained about their literature and gave me a pamphlet. We had a nice goodbye and now I’m back.

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Let me say this, the world is not all that bad. It was worse before. If God would/could leave us, it probably already happened during the times of open slavery in America, the Holocaust, conquistadors killing everything they saw from Mexico through the southern most tip of South America, the atomic bombings of Japan, the endless bloodshed in God’s name of the Crusades… There have been some bad times in this world and if God didn’t leave us then God isn’t leaving us now. Also, God is the omnipresent, omnipotent and infinite – I’m not sure where God could go or even have the ability to go. I don’t think “infinite” is something that can just pack up its bags and leave. Anyway…

These are better times! Much better times! Case in point –

JERSEY SHORE’S SECOND SEASON STARTS TONIGHT!!!!!!!!

YES! THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD AND THE ALMIGHTY HAS SHOWN US THE GLORY! THE SHINING TANNED GLORY OF THE JERSEY SHORE! AHHH I FEEL IT LORD! I FEEL IT ETERNAL! I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THE SITUATION AND DJ PAULY D BACK IN ACTION AT THE CLUBS! HALLELUJAH! HALLELUJAH BROTHERS AND SISTERS AND GUIDOS! HALLELUJAH!

So, I’m psyched. What I wasn’t psyched about last night was being given dubious hope that the Jersey Shore was on last night and it was not. What was on MTV instead of Jersey Shore? The Real World. HAHAHAH… Did anyone even know that they were still making this show? I didn’t. How are they still making this show? That used to be the only reality show on MTV, but now they have a million, so why is it still around? Who fucking knows? Did I watch a minute or two and go to the website? You bet your sweet ass I did. Am I going to write about that? You should keep betting on that same sweet ass I just said you had I will.

Real World XXIV: Back to New Orleans… ahahahahahahahahahah! “Back to New Orleans”? Either MTV has made so many Real Worlds that they have ran out of different major cities to have the show or they think filming a season of the Real World in New Orleans is somehow going to help those people get over Katrina or Rita or the shitty John Goodman ending in Treme. So, it’s another season of Real World where they take a bunch of young people from different parts of the country and different beliefs or whatever and stick them in a house. But there is a big twist this season – see if you can spot it:

Here we go…

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This is Knight. Yes, Knight. And here is a picture of him taking off his pants slightly. What the fuck? Why is this an appropriate “cast bio” picture? Every season of the Real World has the cornfed All American good looking white boy. This season does not! AHAHAH… who the fuck is this guy!?! Knight!?! What the fuck kind of name is Knight? And he isn’t even good looking. Well, he’s alright, but I mean he is big step down in the looks department. He’s a copy of a copy of a copy to the point the color has lost its luster and everything is flat looking and faded. Let me take a look at his bio – maybe he’s more than just a completely average set of superficial looks. Hmmmm… he played hockey, goes to ASU, got hurt and now he doesn’t play hockey anymore. BORING! Fuck! Hockey!?! Who would’ve guessed ASU had a hockey team? Why are people in Arizona playing hockey? Either way, that is old news because he doesn’t even play hockey. MTV couldn’t find a better looking white guy than this? I find this deplorable.

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This is Jemmye and Eric. Bleh. There were two reasons why the Real World existed:

1. There was a time when no one from different races or ethnicity or sexual orientation lived together. That had never happened before. All white people lived with all other white people. All black people lived with black people. And it was MTV who changed that forever by making the Real World. MTV integrated society! But nowadays everyone is just living with everyone. Blacks and whites. Hispanics and Asians. Gays and straights. One white guy from north New Jersey is living with a white guy from south New Jersey in Jersey City and that wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for MTV.

2. Beautiful people. You got to see a bunch of good looking people living together. Young good looking people. Young good looking people getting drunk and hooking up with each other the only way good looking people know how to.

Nowadays, seeing a black guy living with a white guy or a white girl or a Mexican or a Mexi-can’t or whatever is not that interesting. That is just not a draw anymore, so the #1 reason to watch the show has been null and void for years now. All we’re left with is #2 – young hot people getting drunk and hooking up.

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Well, they’re young. And they do get drunk and hook up. But “hot”? What happened!?! Can MTV not find hot people anymore. These kids are all acceptably attractive, but no more than any other person walking on the street. Maybe not the Lizard Man who walks the street. But outside of the Lizard Man, you wouldn’t do a double take on any of these people. So they’re not getting anyone to tune because of their looks. Maybe these people are more interesting than Knight was.

From Jemmye’s cast bio “She enjoys casual sex with no commitment, and she has a preference for black men” – seriously? Who doesn’t? That sentence could describe 95% of America minus the Lizard Man. The Lizard man likes LIZARDS! Anyway, so Jemmye is a big slut and she isn’t hooking up with the black guy. She is actually messing around with Knight. What? I know! Knight doesn’t have a black penis. Speaking of, Eric is a struggling comedian. BORING. NEXT! Sahar grew up in Dearborn, Michig…. zzzzz…. zzzzz… and Ashlee is going to New Orleans to either pursue her “dream” to be a sideline sports reporter or get unsafe drunk in Nawlins. Take a fucking wild guess which one happens.

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Urkel! Steve Urkel is on the Real World! I did not see that coming. His name is actually Preston and he has a sob story for a life. His mom is/was a crack addict and abandoned him at 17. I’m not sure that makes Preston interesting. It makes him mom interesting, but I’m not sure about Preston. Next season of the Real World should feature Preston’s mom, God willing. The blonde is McKenzie who is a 21 year old college chick from UCF. So, there’s that. She’s cute. *shrugs* That’s really all I got on her. She’s not a stripper or a racist or anything as far as I can tell, so I’m bored still.

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The gay guy. Great. He has a bleach blonde emo hair cut straight out of 2000. And stereotypically he is “outrageous”. He likes to chase his roommates around naked and he has a “fascination with cold ears” and he is “bizarre”. Fuck this guy sucks. Ryan is the lamest gay guy ever. Where are the cocaine orgies? You’re on TV, dude! Get nuts! Like nuts crazy and nuts as in guys’ nuts. You’re not going to attract a real gay guy with some “fascination with cold ears”. If someone is writing a biography about you and the third thing they mention about you as a human being is your “fascination with cold ears” you do not deserve to be on television. Worst gay guy ever.

So, Real World sucks.

The cast of the Jersey Shore:

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GLORIOUS! They’re all golden orange tan, the chicks all have huge fake breasts (minus Sammi, but I’ll let her pass), they wear little to no clothes, they’re constantly hooking up with each other, the guys are shredded with muscles, Ronnie punches people in the face, they all look absolutely ridiculous and they’re complete fame whores. Such a better television show. I can’t fucking wait!

Questions for Friday.

No guest blog today because no guest blogger.

This morning I had an insane dream that had Dawgz and my Dad in it. We were in some small Rhode Island town where everyone was having barbecues and picnics. We joined one particular barbecue. We ate some hot dogs and so forth. Eventually, everyone funneled into a house because it was getting dark out or would get dark out soon I suppose. We took seats in the living room and someone turned on the TV. That’s when maybe the most ridiculous movie ever came on.

It had some really long name about a cigarette smoking man and some other guy and it was all in Spanish. The movie starts and it is some 70’s style action movie. And it stars Burt Reynolds. He looked like he did in Deliverance. He looked massive. During some action scene, Burt needed help during a fight and BOOM who comes into help Tom Selleck. He looked like a beast. He looked straight out of his Magnum PI days – shirtless, tan and hairy. They fight some guys and the next scene showed who they were fighting for or more or less who they were rescuing from the bad guys: Little Richard. Yes, that LITTLE RICHARD. Unreal. His hair was straightened and down around his face and he was wearing a mariachi suit.

The movie continues and, at some point, I notice the people in the room who are watching the movie with me: creepers. It was some PCP junkie type looking guys. They are now passing around pipes for people to share in their own wayward drug decisions. They keep whispering, “It’s got that zombie in there.” And I’m thinking to myself, “I don’t want to be a zombie.” So after a few tense moments of what’s going to happen when I say no to “zombie” in a room full of PCP junkies who are all watching a Mexican action movie featuring Little Richard, Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck – I then was unceremoniously woken up to Eminem’s hit single with Rhianna BLARING! FUCKING BLARING! Some repairman van is parked on the street with their radio turned to 11.

Anyway – Shameless plugs…

Check out the KSWI Contest page at the top – email all entries to jordankswi@gmail.com

Follow me on Twitter – twitter.com/jordan_is_ok

Watch these TV shows:

Louie – on FX at 11pm on Tuesdays

Chad Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch – on Vh1 at 9pm on Sundays

Mad Men – on AMC at 10pm on Sundays

And…

Jersey Shore is starting up tomorrow night! Can’t wait.

This past weekend was another meaningless 48 hour stretch of life on this stupid spinning rock. It was also COMIC CON! Yeah, wooh! Yeh hayah! Nerds! Woooooh. “Comic Con” is short for Nerd Jihad on Southern California. It is the premiere happenstance for Hollywood, America to present their worth to Nerd, Universe. Generally speaking, that means that the big ballin’ film studios present their perfect looking super-homo-sapien-sapiens who will appear in the movies these nerds nightly masturbate to their source material and pray to a fork tongued God to make it all real.

“Comic Con” is also a great place where to see the division of our resident and greatest caste system in the world: the “chosen people by the Lord Almighty to live wonderful lives” and the “idiots in the crowd who cheer those other people who couldn’t care less about them”. With all the hootin’ and hollerin’ and cheerin’ and soft weepin’ – the reality of Comic Con (or at least the movie presentations) is that a whole bunch of people who have spent years of their lives agonizing over and spent a bunch of money they barely have on a litany of books, comic books or video games and then a series of very wealthy people who most likely have never spent a second thinking about these books/comic books/video games will then have the deciding opinion on how this work, they all love so much, will be represented in the biggest art medium and then commercially distribute around the world.

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BUT … the beautiful actors have question and answer sessions with the mouth breathing public to everyone’s delight. Robert Downey Jr. is talking to me! Or actually in my general direction because he can’t see that I was the one asking the question! But that’s good enough!

This is all cynical I know, but it’s pretty much that. This year’s Comic Con was a frenzy over any and all information concerning the up-coming Marvel superhero films. These are Captain America: The First Avenger, The Avengers and Thor. I will not mince words or shred them or grate them or flambe them or cover them in hollandaise sauce or boil them … I think all these movies will suck. SUCK. SUCK!

Why? Oh why? But why Kay-Swidge-Jizzle? Por que? Upside down question mark Por que? Well, I’ll tell you.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE FIRST AVENGER

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Yeah, I think this is going to suck. But I will say I really like this artwork. I don’t think the movie is going to be anything like this artwork though. I don’t mind them changing his suit for a more “realistic” one. I’m not sure why more “realistic” is always code word for “leather” – leath-uh, Leh-THUH! Get me some leather! I have a question for you KSWI Jordan, when you are about to engage in some extremely physical exercise what is your first thought? I want to do it in all leather! Am I wrong or are there no such things as “leather running shorts” or “leather running pants”. Do people go running and jumping in leather jackets and I’m just not aware of this? Do you know what really helps my flexibility in delivering spinning heel kicks!?! My skin tight $800 leather pants! I have been beaten into submission that film studios believe “leather” is way more less gay than “spandex”. Fine. Whatever.

I would have liked Captain America to have been portrayed older, but I knew that wasn’t going to happen. The studios are making Spider Man a high schooler again. If that fails: kindergarten! I do like Chris Evans. I’m not saying he was a good or bad choice for Captain America, but generally I like the guy. I have seen people say it will be hard to watch him as Captain American and not think of him as The Human Torch. I have a hard time bleaching The Fantastic Four movies from my brain to begin with. THEY TORMENT MY MIND! WHY WOULD THE FANTASTIC FOUR DRIVE A SPACE SHIP MADE BY DODGE WITH A HEMI IN IT!?! AHHHHHH IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE! DOES DODGE KNOW ABOUT THE FANTASTIC FOUR!?! OR DID MR. FANTASTIC PUT DODGE RAM LOGOS ON THEIR SPACESHIP BECAUSE HE IS CRAZY!?! HOW COULD A HEMI POSSIBLY BE AN ACCEPTABLE PIECE OF MACHINERY FOR THE ENGINE OF A SPACESHIP!!!!!!!????????!!!!!!!!!

Chris Evans as Cap is ok. He’s blonde, muscular, white – a perfect fit as an American Super Soldier or German Super Nazi or whatever. But everything else about this movie is terrible. The director is Joe Johnston. Ugh. Some may say, “Joe Johnston helped make the good Star Wars trilogy, he also made Hildalgo, Honey I Shrunk the Kids and The Rocketeer.” And then I would say back, “What are you his fucking fan club!?! The Joe Johnston fan club!?! Who the hell actually knows who Joe Johnston is off the top of their head!?!” Joe made some good flicks (mostly kids movies) back in the day, but recent Joe made The Wolfman which SUCKED. So, either Joe Johnston is going to make Captain America: The First Avenger a kids movie or he’ll make it a shitty regular movie.

Why? Joe Johnston like many directors say they are big fans of the source material, so much so that they are going to change it and put a different spin on it. WHY!?! NO!!!! Put a different spin on it? First, that almost 100% of the time never works. Second, when did we all become so bored watching the same old Captain America movies that now we need to put a new spin on it. I’m pretty sure the majority of the world has never seen a good Captain America movie ever, so how could I be bored and need a new spin on that same old Captain America. I never understand that. How about we make a bunch of good Captain America movies? Then when we get tired of seeing good Captain America movies, we can hire Joe Johnston to fuck it up and we’ll have that alternative.

Here is a quote from Joe Johnston about his “spin” on Captain America:

“He’s a guy that wants to serve his country but he’s not a flag-waver. We’re reinterpretating sort of what the comic book version of Steve Rogers was.”
“…it’s also the idea that this is not about America so much as it is about the spirit of doing the right thing. It’s an international cast and an international story.”

Doesn’t that make you want to throw up? It makes me want to throw up. I want to throw up all over Joe Johnston. Let me highlight something for you:

The movie about CAPTAIN AMERICA will not be about AMERICA. OH MY GOD! MY BRAIN BURNS! I fucking hate Joe Johnston. What in the fuck is he talking about!?! Captain America is not a flag-waver. NOT A FLAG-WAVER! The motherfucker’s colors are the colors of the AMERICAN FLAG! For fuck’s sake he is pretty much an American Flag with muscles beating the piss out of people. And he’s not about “America”? Why in the FUCKITY FUCK MOTHERFUCK would a person who is not a “flag-waver” and not so much “about America” go and call himself “CAPTAIN AMERICA”!?! WHY JOE!?! WHY!?!

Why on Earth is Joe Johnston being allowed to make Captain America when these are his thoughts? This is the only the type of bullshit people who are not me get away with. Could you possibly imagine being at work and asked to help come up with ideas for a project and your ideas are the complete anti-thesis to that project? Here is an analogy of my thoughts on Joe Johnston’s thoughts on Captain America: The First Avenger:

Hello there Sir, I’d like to introduce you to our new line of chocolate chip cookies.

Oh ok, I like chocolate chip cookies.

I thought so, you’ll love these new chocolate chip cookies. See these chocolate chip cookies are specifically designed with you in mind and I think you’ll love the new spin we’ve put on these chocolate chip cookies.

Well, what is it?

There are no chocolate chips in the chocolate chip cookies. Isn’t that amazing!?! Don’t you love it!?!

There are no chocolate chips in the cookies?

Nope. Not a one. There are absolutely no chocolate chips in these new chocolate chip cookies!

Then they are just cookies. There is no such thing as a chocolate chip cookie with no chocolate chips. It’s just a cookie.

Nope, wrong again. See, this is our new spin on chocolate chip cookies! It is exactly like your old favorite chocolate chip cookies, but this new “spin” is that there are no chocolate chips in them. They’ll be your new favorite chocolate chip cookies in no time.

I’m pretty sure they won’t. I’m pretty sure you should stop calling them chocolate chip cookies because there are no chocolate chips in them. That is what makes them a chocolate chip cookie: THE CHOCOLATE CHIPS! It’s just a cookie now. A cookie that has nothing to do with chocolate chip cookies besides the fact they are just cookies. They are not chocolate chip cookies.

Hmmm… you know we thought you might say that. So, we went to the next logical step and spray painted by hand little chocolate chip specs on each of our chocolate chip cookies.

But there are still no chocolate chips in the cookies?

Nope. Not a one.

And now there is just paint on it to make it look like it has chocolate chips in it?

Yep.

Why are you still calling these cookies “chocolate chip cookies” again?

Well, we know you love chocolate chip cookies, so we are just giving you a new type of chocolate chip cookies. A different chocolate chip cookie for our current times. A chocolate chip cookie that best meets-

I want you to die. I want you to die a slow painful death.

– The End –

Thank you, thank you. Your applause in unnecessary, but appreciated.

Also, Joe Johnston is bringing back Captain America’s sidekick: Bucky Barnes. I don’t have much to say about that because I can’t imagine anyone thinks that is a good idea.

Lastly, this Captain America movie will somehow have to align itself alongside the Iron Man movies because there is the Avengers movie that is going to be made soon. This will be terrible. It just will be.

Well, I kind of went on a lot more than I was expecting about this Captain America movie and how signs are pointed towards this not being good. But I should touch on the Thor and Avengers movies.

THOR

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Again, I really like this picture and I fully expect the movie to not look like this. Why? Because we have seen pictures from the movie and they don’t look that great. Most people have been referring to the movie stills as having a “Power Ranger” look to them. That is not really a compliment.

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I just have a feeling that this ^^^ will not make for a good movie. Whatever that is, it is not what I wanted to see. Is this how one sees Odin’s throne room? Who would actually have a room that looks like that? Maybe Goldmember from Austin Powers. But Odin? Do people really think that a man who keeps ravens with him at all times is sitting in a room like this? This is where he and his ravens roost? It’s like every Las Vegas developer’s dream, but Odin? Also, this movie will need to align itself with the Captain America movie and the Iron Man movie because he too is in the Avengers movie.

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Natalie Portman and Kat Dennings are in Thor. They are nice to look at. But I still think this movie will suck.

And finally…

AVENGERS

I know everyone loves Joss Whedon. I’m a fan of the man and his work. I liked Buffy as mention in a post from last week. I never watched Firefly, but I saw the movie and it was pretty good. But Avengers is destined to fail. Why? I cannot imagine that Joss or anyone can take this many superheroes and put it together in a cohesive two hour or so movie. When they pulled the Avengers cast on stage for the panel at Comic Con they pulled up Robert Downey Jr. (Iron Man), Clark Gregg (Agent Coulson), Scarlet Johansson (Black Widow), Chris Hemsworth (Thor), Chris Evans (Captain America), Samuel L. Jackson (Nick Fury), Jeremy Renner (Hawkeye), Mark Ruffalo (the Hulk)… right? And I’m guessing they’re going to fight a bad guy … so if I add that all up that equals = CLUSTERFUCK!

Like I said, I like Joss Whedon and all, but this is going to be ridiculous. Having four main characters would have been a lot, but now they are adding the superfluous Iron Man movie characters like Sam, Scarlet and Clark. They may have gotten away in Iron Man and Iron Man 2 with Sam Jackson having a smaller role, but his role blew up exponentially between those two movies and expect the same with this Avengers. There is no way that Sam Jackson will be a background character in this one. Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, Nick Fury…

And Joss will be introducing two new characters! Yeah, this will all work! Why not? Throw Hawkeye in there. I’m sure everyone remembers Hawkeye. I’m sure the people on the streets of the world couldn’t have seen an Avengers movie without good ole’ Hawkeye. And Mark Ruffalo as the Incredible Hulk. Why the eff not, right? Sure Hollywood hasn’t been able to make a decent Incredible Hulk movie, but I’m pretty sure people are not so forgetful that Ed Norton was just the Incredible Hulk. Apparently, he was willing to reprise his role. I don’t know if it was a huge pay cut from Ed to Mark that had them nab Mark, but that would be the only thing that would make sense to me.

Iron Man, Thor, Captain America, Nick Fury, Hawkeye, The Incredible Hulk and… whoever else. They are rumoring that everyone else like Don Cheadle as War Machine may be in the movie too. Why not!?! Why not, Marvel? Why not?

Isn’t Ghost Rider a Marvel Comic? They’re making a second Ghost Rider movie. Do you remember how insanely terrible the first one was? Well, they’re making a SECOND! YES! And who is in this sequel? Remember how bad Nic Cage was as the Ghost Rider? He’s back. Do you know what would be great? If he had a sidekick. Who should play that sidekick? Taylor Lautner. Yes! So, that movie is going to suck.

What else, Marvel? Oh right! Their big millions upon millions of dollars franchise: SPIDER MAN! Did you ever think to yourself, “I wish there was more high school drama in the super hero movie Spider Man instead of super hero stuff”? I’m guessing you haven’t because NO ONE HAS… except for the people who are making the newest TRILOGY of Spider Man movies. I’m guessing it will be a trilogy. I can’t remember if I read that, but I do know that Sony was planning on making a Spider Man 4, 5, and 6 before, so they’re probably still in that mindset. What could possibly go wrong taking one of the most recognizable film heroes of the past decade and starting over with that franchise now with it being more like Gossip Girl?

And who is going to play this Spider Man filled with hormones and angst and cliques and everything else a high schooler is filled with? Well, a 29 year old nobody actor. Great! I can’t wait, Marvel!

Back to the grind. The grind. The daily grind. The weekday grrrriiinnnddd. When I had a job, I never felt like I was really “grinding”. Not only did I not feel like I was grinding, but I couldn’t imagine what grinding would have been even if I tried to at that job. I guess that was really what that job was. Unless “grinding” was actually filing away any and all paper work that I never filed away or being led into some executive’s office and giving them an impromptu lap dance. I’m sure I would not have been good at doing either.

I don’t know if I ever mentioned this when I was on the outs of my job, but we were closing up the place because the office was moving and I wasn’t quitting because I wasn’t going to make the move. After two plus years of working there there was a ton of paper work that needed to be filed. So much paper work. Walls of filing cabinets full of files. Everywhere! Trees, forests, jungles, countries of paper! And I did my job, but I usually did not file any of it away. I’m a modern ager! I did what was needed, I registered it in the computer, in the company’s network, and I made sure whatever transaction it was did go through. But the paper copy!?! That usually sat in stacks or ended their lives in the garbage can.

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Nevertheless, after all that time at the job all that paper work had to be destroyed. They were not taking all the paper with them. Instead we had to get rid of all of it. Not only was I throwing out all the paper at my desk. I was throwing away every piece of paper that I had at my desk that I was supposedly supposed to file away somewhere. I throw that paper away and then I follow it up by throwing away the file folder that that file went into. After that with the strength left in my glistening biceps, I throw away the entire shelf of file folders from that cabinet. Why are biceps glistening? From the GRIND! And after the shelf is through, I throw away all the shelves in the whole cabinet. Every piece of paper and folder, every piece of information in an entire cabinet thrown away. And then when that task was completed burning the past, I then started with disemboweling its brethren.

I felt like I did more work erasing the history of the company I was employed by than I ever did on a daily basis trying to help them continue as a company.

This weekend was unremarkable. Although, this is a website that is filled with my remarks, so I’ll think of something. Friday night was spent at a bar and Saturday night was spent at home and Sunday was spent in the loving scotch stenched embrace of Mad Men.

FRIDAY

Don’t tell Dawgz that Philly sucks. The phrase was not uttered by me nor the sentiment. I love Philly. Illy. Phila. Philadelphia. Illadelphia. At the local bar, the place was packed. More front loaded. The entrance was a buzz with grinders drinking away their week all staring wide-eyed at another boring Mets game. It wasn’t inparticularly boring because it was the Mets, but it was boring because it was BASEBALL. Moving on, we three grabbed drinks and walked to the other end of the bar back to where the pool table was and where more space was to stand without someone’s stomach against your back.

Once there, we were greeted by the worst game of “video shuffle board” being played by sisters. They did not look like sisters, but they swore they were. It was shuffle board with a TV screen. Lord only knows how long these two were at it before we arrived, but the game of shuffle board was uniquely foreign to these two and even more so the incorporation of the television screen element. We explained and explained and explained and explained and re-explained how or what they should be doing to win the game or at least score points. Finally, one of them got the hand of it and the other quit. My friend took over for her and now it was a battle of friend versus random sister.

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This is interacting with strangers. That’s what we are out to do… that and drink. So we continued. Anyway, that is how we met the eventual Philly Sucks girl. She was a friend of the sisters who I and another friend were playing TV shuffle board with. The friend shows up and Dawgz is bored, so he engages. On second chance, he would have stayed bored. She asked Dawgz where he was from, he said BLAH BLAH and she responded BLAH BLAH? That place sucks. Hmmmm… interesting way to start, right? This was then followed by her asking what college he went to, he responded Saint Joe’s in Philly and this brought about the Philly Sucks. This enraged Dawgz! You may besmirch my town, but not Philadelphia!

Next thing I know, the girls were leaving, which was ok by me. And while they were leaving Dawgz was still shouting great landmarks and traditions of Philadelphia as if he was apart of their tourism department or dressed as Benjamin Franklin.

Then I beat Dawgz in video shuffle board.

If anyone follows my Twitter, I was keeping up a pretty good record of what we were experiencing as far as our drunk troubadour. The bar we were at had a jukebox. There was also a man in the bar who was double downing on Coors Light and tequila shots. He also sauntered his way over to the jukebox and must’ve invested a hundred dollars in the machine because for the rest of the night he had credits in the damn thing choosing pretty much all the music we heard.

The first hour of music would easily be categorized as late 70’s and 80’s rock. But it was also the same rock over and over again. The guy was either so drunk he couldn’t remember that he was playing the same songs over and over again or that he was so drunk he wanted to hear the same songs over and over again and didn’t care that he was spending money on them and that an entire bar hated him for doing it. In that first hour we heard – three Blondie songs, “Boys Don’t Cry” twice and “Changes” three times. He continued to repeat himself later as we heard “Changes” a couple more times. The bartender eventually cut the guy off and would pipe in music of his own choosing. What I learned from this was that a bald man, tequila drunk, abrasive as anything and wearing a gaudy Affliction t-shirt still has a soft side. Blondie, The Smiths and Bowie? Was this a cry for help? Did I not hear him weeping on the inside, on the inside of his skull and crosses Affliction t-shirt.

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SATURDAY

I watched:

Surrogates – with Bruce Willis. We didn’t watch it together. I mean Surrogates has Bruce Willis in it. It was a bad movie. I doubt anyone is worried about me spoiling the movie for them, but James Cromwell is everyone. EVERYONE. The movie wasn’t good, but it could have been. There are decent scenes are moments in the movie or some interesting ideas, but all in all it is bad. It also ends terribly. As spoiled, James Cromwell is EVERYONE in the movie who is not Bruce Willis. He is both the good guy, the bad guy, the assassin, the victim and everything. It didn’t make any sense.

Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day – Fucking awful. Horrendous. Terrible. But oddly enough I think that was the point of the movie. I think Troy Duffy didn’t want to make this movie especially after all this time and especially with the input of the studio and more money and all that. I think Duffy went out there to make the worst most cliche piece of garbage film he could make as a nice “fuck you” to the studio. As funny as I found that or as bad funny the scenes/acting were, it still was just garbage and I couldn’t sit through it all.

Salt – I didn’t see it. I thought about seeing it a lot. A real lot. But I never got out of my apartment in a determined fashion to see the flick. It is PG-13. Ugh. I don’t want to see a movie I’m expecting to be bad or meh at best and on top of it is a PG-13. At the very least, I need to see the blood and guts and nudity and cursing for a movie like this. I’m a simple man. If I’m paying to see a cookie cutter movie then I’m going to need an R rating.

Lastly,

MAD MEN WAS AMAZING

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I don’t want to ruin anything for anyone who didn’t watch it yet, but it was great as always. Roger Sterling has the best dialogue over any character on television. You can hear the joy of the writers of that show coming from his mouth. They write him beautifully with a million one-liners and then John Slattery delivers them better than any other actor could.

How was your weekend?

I believe I have figured out the prizes for the “Kristen Stewart wants IT and so do I” contest, which will end August 9th. I will also be adding a tab about this contest at the top of the page next to the eternal question “Who is Kristen?”. I may or may not also remind everyone in every post from now to August 9th that there is a contest in which you take a picture of yourself wanting IT or doing an impersonation of Kristen Stewart wanting IT and send it to jordankswi@gmail.com and in doing so you may or may not win one of the unique prizes I have thought up for this contest.

Depending on how many entrants there are there may be multiple winners. Either way, the winner(s) will get to choose their prize instead of me deciding for them. It’s like a grab bag if the bag of the grab bag was see-thru and you know exactly what you are grabbing for in that bag of grab bagginess.

Prizes:

Jordan Newmark Short Story – I will write a short story for you and only you. This short story can be about whatever you may want. Fan fiction, horror, mystery, bunny rabbits? Your choice. The story will be under 20 pages long.

Jordan Newmark Read Audio Book – I will make an audio book for you. I will read any book of your choosing that is under 600 pages long.

Vision: Ripper Skateboard – This is an original Vision skateboard that may be from 1987. It is the “Ripper” model. It has all its original parts and it may or may not have ever been ridden ever. It was given to me as a present when I was a small child and has been taken care of and sat in my room since I was that child. Now it could be yours. Either to add to whatever shrine you have built to me or that you will have built to me or it could be used like an actual skateboard.

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$40 Consumer Shopping Network gift card – for their website at csn.com

A Mess Of Crumpled $1 Bills – the mess totals in at $36

The Bad Standards Song – I have contacted the band The Bad Standards through their twitter account and they have agreed that they will write and record a song about whichever winner chooses this prize. They genre of the song may also be up for debate considering they have recorded blues songs, reggae, classic rock, prog rock, rap, soul, latin rock, dance club, world, and electro.

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Very great and very unique prizes.

But, I would like to address the negativity/skepticism and general unfunness from some of the commenting staff regarding the contest. Actually, let me address directly their comments that they may not send pictures of themselves, but can’t wait to see other people’s pictures. WRONG. If I am not satisfied with the cooperation of the commenting staff then you will not see ANY pictures from contestants. Instead the contestants with be emailed the other contestants pictures or given a link to another website where the contest can be held in a more private setting. How does that sound? This is a participation website. If you want to see what others have sent in then you too need to get involved.

Besides that, what on Earth are you people afraid of? The only person who is ever attacked on this website is me. Everyone else is great and wonderful and kisses and hugs and flowery this and flowery that and we love you “totes”, so any picture you send will be praised more than enough for your self-confidence to sky rocket past the former planet Pluto.

With that said, I have already received several entrants for this contest. To those that have emailed me their entrant pics, so quickly THANK YOU. All entrants have until August 9th, so no rush. I know some would like to really capture their want perfectly, so they may need to think up what they really want and in doing so that may take a few days. I get it.

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Lastly, I believe I only received one actual question from a commenter.

If Satan had a last name, what would it be?

Excellent question. Satan, Lucifer, The Light Bringer, The Southern Star, The Morning Star, The Devil, El Diablo et cetera is known by many names. Many many many names. One last name would not capture the spirit that all of Satan’s first names have. So, Satan would have many last names. Strangely enough I know what those last names are. Simply, anyone who does not send in an entry for the “Kristen Stewart wants IT and so do I” contest is one of the last names of the Devil. Yep. So let’s say your last name is Jones and you do not send in an entry for the contest then one of the Devil’s last names is Jones because of your non-action.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. Actually I only hope you have a great weekend if you are going to enter the contest. This is my Alamo.

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