When It Rains It Pours And I’M READY FOR THE RAIN!

July 8, 2010

I’m back.

I’m back, y’all.

I’m back, y’all. I’m back, y’all. I’m backity back and I’m back, y’all. I’m back, y’all. I’m back, y’all. I’m backity back and I’m back, y’all. I’m back, y’all. I’m back, y’all. I’m backity back and I’m back, y’all. I’m back, y’all. I’m back, y’all. I’m backity back and I’m back, y’all. I’m back, y’all. I’m back, y’all. I’m backity back and I’m back, y’all. I’M BACK, Y’ALL. I’M BACK, Y’ALL. I’M BACKITY BACK AND I’M BACK, Y’ALL.

I’M BACK.

Hmmmm….

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What the fuck will I talk about now that I’m back? There are so many things. THINGS! “Things” to talk about. Where to begin? Where TO begin!?! There are just so many “things” happening at the moment. But which one to write about? Which one to expound on? Which one to make light of and punch holes in its integrity? Which one to soak in the saliva of cynicism? Which one to lick clean of its credibility? Which one to dry hump a friction fire of ferocious farce fraying its very veritas to vanish?

I could talk about so many things! My trip to Las Vegas. Shooting machine guns. Watching UFC 116 in person. Lindsay Lohan. Mel Gibson. Jamarcus Russell. Lebron James. The Emmy nominations. Leonardo DiCaprio supposedly being involved in every movie we will see for the next 5 years. My long overdue screenplay entitled “Kristen Stewart wants IT”. Kristen Stewart – she’s always a good topic. The “50 women over 60” video and its 10,000+ views on youtube. The World Cup. Blowjobs for twitter followers if the Netherlands wins. My irreverent thoughts on Avatar: The Last Airbender television series, which I finished watching last night. Why God exists and why moral relativism works if viewed through a prism of selflessness and inter-subjectivity.

Well? What should I write about readers? Huh!?! I can’t hear you! I CAN’T HEAR YOU! YELL! YELL LOUDER! AM I GOING DEAF!?! I CAN’T HEAR ANY… oh wait… I could never hear you. I’m just writing this and then you read it later. Sorry, it has been awhile. I forgot how this works. Instead of picking and choosing – let’s make today’s post a poe-pour-ee lightning round. And with that…

SHOW ME YOUR LIGHTNING MOTHERFUCKERS! KAY-SWIDGE-JIZZLE KA-BLAMINATE-IZZLE!

My trip to Las Vegas. Strangely enough, this was not my first time to Sin City. SIN CITY! I have been there twice before. My first adventure was when I was circa 12 years old and et al and I saw Sigfried & Roy and Circe du Soleil or however you spell because that is how I spell it. My second trip to Las Vegas was when I was about 10 years later and my friend and I drank for what may have been 88% of the hours we were there. So, did I gamble there this time? No. Have I gambled there? Yes. Do I like gambling? On life, sure. But I find slot machines and card games to be a lot less interesting. I like the old adage of “if I had a lot of money then gambling might be fun”. Pffftt, if I had a lot of money then I would go buy outrageous shit instead of gamble it away at some blackjack table.

But it was a great time. Good food. Good fights. Good friends. I was in a pool for a large portion of my time there. Everyone in Las Vegas wanted to talk about the UFC which was excellent since I always want to talk about the UFC. It was a lot like when I was in Los Angeles and all people wanted to talk about was the movie industry. I love talking about movies! Las peliculas!

Did you see so and so is now directing such and such?

I did see that! And I think that is a terrible decision by who and who studio because so and so has never directed a “what and what” genre before and such and such needs an experienced “what and what” directer to really bring that story to life. And, yes I would like fries with that.

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Shooting machine guns. I was staying at a friend’s house in Las Vegas and my friend has one of those life requirements called “a job” and my friend was at that “job” during the times when people who have them are usually at them. So, I needed to find an activity to get involved in when they were at this “job”. I was flipping through a travel guide and saw an ad for an establishment entitled “The Gun Store”. The advertisement featured a blonde in a bikini holding an MP5 Sub-machine gun. HALLELUJAH! My friend then told me a lot of people go there and love the place. What isn’t there to love? Their slogan is “SHOOT A REAL MACHINE GUN”. I wish that was my slogan.

So I went. And I shot a machine gun.

The place was amazing. First, everyone who works there treats shooting a fully loaded machine gun like riding a roller coaster. Actually, they are even more cavalier about it than that. They are the Michael Rappaports of gun stores. There are machine guns covering the walls with prices listed under them and you walk up to the cash register and pick which ones you would like to shoot. They also had a few package deals. I chose a package deal – “The Coalition Package” because I love America. “The Coalition Package” featured three guns that are being used on the Iraq and Afghanistan military campaigns: M9 Beretta pistol, M4 Carbine assault rifle, and a SAW machine gun.

After purchasing your package, you are given 3 shooting targets (Osama Bin Laden and two suicide bomber looking guys), and your ammunition and then you stand in line waiting your turn. So, you’re in a movie theater zig-zag style line with clips of live ammo in your hands which is hysterical. I had two clips of pistol ammo, one clip for the M4 and a belt of bullets for the SAW. The two guys in front of me had 4 clips for AK-47s and so on and so forth. What did we all talk about with all that live ammunition in our hands? The UFC of course! Everyone waits in line until a gun-tech takes you into the firing range. When I got to the front of the line this was my conversation with the gun-tech:

What did you get there?

I got “The Coalition Package”.

Excellent. Well I’m going to go grab some “toys” and then we’ll go “play”.

– end scene –

By “toys” he meant MACHINE GUNS and by “play” he meant SHOOT THEM.

The “funniest” thing to me at The Gun Store is that the gun-techs who give you a nice and concise 10 second lesson on each gun before you fire them willy nilly is that they themselves are all carrying guns. Why do they have guns? Because if I decide to go nuts with the live machine gun full of live bullets then they have the right to KILL me. Each guy in there is ready and willing to KILL any customer who walks in that store. FUCKING BRILLIANT! It makes complete sense and really there is no other way for them to handle the situation if someone did go nuts because they are in control of a very lethal weapon, so they have to stop the situation immediately, but it is still “funny”.

The M9 had a surprising amount of kickback or at least surprising to me, but it was very fun to shoot. The SAW was very fun to shoot. It is propped up on a bi-pod and is surprisingly light (17 pounds) and has very little kickback with the bi-pod and your shoulder and one hand keeping the gun still while the other hand is firing it. The M4 carbine had a lot of kickback if you went Rambo and tried to hold down the trigger. The gun normally fires in bursts, but at The Gun Store it is fully automatic because that is what the tourist customer wants. My gun-tech taught me a nice trick, if you fire the automatic in bursts to the tune of “Die, motherfucker, die” then you’ll be fine. I WISH I COULD LIVE IN THE GUN STORE! I could sleep in the firing range with all the spent shell casings and the smell of gasoline thick in the air. Heaven.

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Watching UFC 116 in person. Great night of fights. I was disappointed with some of the winners. I wasn’t rooting for Chris Leben. I am a big fan of Akiyama aka Sexyama and he lost to Leben. It was a great fight though. If Sexyama didn’t tap with 10 seconds left in the fight then he should have won that fight by decision. Either way, it was an excellent fight. And the main event! Oh my!

I was rooting for Brock. I am a fan of Brock Lesnar. I am a fan of professional wrestling. So those two things kind of go together. Nevertheless, the first round of that fight was the scariest 5 minutes ever. Shane Carwin physically dominated Brock Lesnar in a way that was reminiscent of the beginning minutes of any final fight between Godzilla vs. whoever. I felt physically ill watching a man as large as Brock Lesnar being thrown around and put into the fetal position like that. It was like everything I understood as a human being was being destroyed by Shane Carwin and my stomach couldn’t handle it. Thankfully, Brock survived that first round and came out smiling for the second round. He took Shane down and submitted him, which was also a crazy shock to the system. Great fight.

Like I said, I’m biased. I like pro-wrestlers and I like Brock Lesnar. I know a lot of people don’t like him or didn’t like him before that fight, but now they should like the man. He is a great champion. Size, speed, strength and, now, submissions.

Lindsay Lohan. I think they should have arrested her right then and there. I think it is a crazy risk to allow her to go home for 2 weeks and then take her to jail. She is a proven bad decision maker and no one ever seems to be able to stop her from doing harmful things to herself. I think there is a relatively good chance she may do something really stupid in these two weeks leading up to her jail time. Either way, I know people will not stop talking about her (like I’m doing right now), but I wish we all would. She has not done anything that would make her a celebrity in years. YEARS! Mean Girls came out 6 years ago. SIX! And she wasn’t the best part of that movie – Tim Meadows was. And I don’t see anyone talking about Tim Meadows! I would love to talk about Tim Meadows… speaking of…

Tim Meadows. IS THE GREATEST. Fuck people who overlook The Ladies Man. I’m not saying The Ladies Man is better than Wayne’s World, but it is a damn funny movie. It didn’t make much money in the theaters, but that is yo’ fault not the movies. The Ladies Man 4 Life.

Mel Gibson. Well, it’s worse than we all thought. I mean we all knew he hated the Jews. I was fine with that. I am a member of the Chosen People and I can speak for us and say that we were cool-de-lah that Mel Gibson and his father hated us. But punching his wife, dropping the pack of n-words line – it’s a little much. Hey, Mel Gibson! Why don’t you just cool your jets there buddy. How about you take a chill pill. Am I right? Either way, The Mad Max trilogy, Lethal Weapon I and II, Braveheart and Maverick are all excellent movies. I can’t take that away from him. I can’t deny O.J. Simpson was a phenomenal running back.

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Jamarcus Russell. Purple Drank. Lean. Syrup. Sizzerp. Player’s Potion. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I fucking love it! I highly recommend you all watch the “expose” that Sportscenter did on “Purple Drank” and Mr. Russell. It is GOLD! If you don’t know – Sprite, jolly ranchers and Codeine. If you set a child loose in a house and told them to get fucked up then that is the concoction they would make: soda, candy and cough syrup. Southern Rappers are atrocious and their taste in “drank” is somehow worse than their taste in music. But I still love “The King” Jamarcus Russell.

Lebron James. If Lebron James does not sign with the New York Knicks then I will hate him forever. Honestly, no one cares about the Miami Heat including the fans of the Miami Heat. I didn’t sit through over a year’s worth of speculation for Lebron to sign with a third tier city like Miami. It is New York or bust. If he stays in Cleveland then he is a fucking idiot. They haven’t signed anyone and apparently him indecisiveness about signing with Cleveland is what led Chris Bosh to sign with Miami. Chicago signing Boozer seems to indicate that they are not in the running for Lebron anymore, but who knows. Chicago is great, but I just find it so unsexy for Lebron to sign there. And the Nets appear to be out of the running as well. I really don’t want to hate Lebron, but if he doesn’t sign with the Knicks and Amar’e then I’ll be furious.

The Emmy nominations. Suck. Like really suck. Am I wrong? Please tell me if I’m wrong about this, but doesn’t a television show have to be funny to be considered a “comedy”? If that is still the case then how is 30 Rock being nominated for anything? Or has the definition of “funny” changed? If “funny” now means “something that used to make one laugh, but now only makes one cringe at how it cannot make one laugh anymore in slightest” then 30 Rock is “funny”. And the rest of the nominations are stupid as well. I’m fine with Glee getting nominated for stuff. It genuinely seems like they are trying on that show. I’ve only watched one episode and it was good.

Leonardo DiCaprio supposedly being involved in every movie we will see for the next 5 years. Currently, Leo’s IMDB page has TWENTY-ONE movies that he is attached to and two movies that are in pre-production. I know that IMDB is not the most reliable, but 21!?! Those cannot all be wrong. It appears to me that between Leo’s film career and his random celebrity guilt “I need to help charities make commercials to save the world” stuff that he has little time to hang out with arguably the most beautiful carbon based life form to ever exist – Bar Refaeli. I would like to offer myself as a surrogate boyfriend for Bar while Leo is off doing things that seem a lot less important to me than hanging poolside with a bikini clad Bar. I can work late nights, early mornings, weekends, birthdays, holidays… seriously I’m available always.

My long overdue screenplay entitled “Kristen Stewart wants IT”. I mean technically anything can happen and I may actually finish writing something, right?

Kristen Stewart – she’s always a good topic. Kristen Stewart still wants IT. I’ve seen the pictures.

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The “50 women over 60” video and its 10,000+ views on youtube. Yes, it is doing pretty well. I wouldn’t mind if it gets 1,000,000 views, so if you all could work on that that would be great. Or

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/da103d4176/a-list-of-50-women-over-60-years-old-men-should-want-to-f-k

And click “funny”? Please.

The World Cup. I’m going to be so sad when it is over. Can we just start a second World Cup July 13th? That would be really helpful. I cannot be left in this humidity with only baseball to entertain me. Baseball hasn’t entertained me since pre-puberty. Not that either one has anything to do with the other, but it has just been awhile since I was at all interested in what happens in baseball.

Blowjobs for twitter followers if the Netherlands wins. So a Dutch pornstar named Bobbi Eden said if the Netherlands wins the World Cup then she’ll blowjob all of her twitter followers. Following this, three of her pornstar girlfriends said they would help in this venture and would call it #teambj. Following this, I became a twitter follower of all four said pornstars. So who am I rooting for in the final of Spain vs. Netherlands? Well, half of me wants Spain to win and half of me wants the Netherlands to win – the lower half, AM I RIGHT?

Honestly, I do like team Spain a lot. They have the best names. Xebi Alonso! XEBI ALONSO! ZH-EBBIE ALON-ZO! And, of course, I am a big fan of the “Most Insufferable Man” David Villa. I will say that if the Netherlands wins and I don’t get a beej for signing up for a free twitter account then I’ll be mad. I mean the Dutch owe us these blowjobs. Didn’t they start the slave trade? I’m not black and the slave trade didn’t really affect me too much, but seriously it wouldn’t hurt for them to give out free blowjobs to make up for it.

My irreverent thoughts on Avatar: The Last Airbender television series, which I finished watching last night. I finished watching the TV show last night and it is a great show. I highly recommend everyone to watch it. Great action, but also funny and thought provoking. My favorite two jokes of the show were in the same episode near the end of the series when Sokka and Zuko went to break Sokka’s dad out of jail. I won’t set up the jokes too much, but the two lines that killed me were –

1. When Sokka tries to sneak off into the night and Zuko catches him. Sokka confesses that he is sneaking off to break his father out of jail and he says to Zuko “are you happy now!?!” and Zuko responds “I’m never happy.” HAHAHAH

2. They are waiting to see who the new prisoners are who are arriving at the prison to see if one of them is Sokka’s dad. The first guy who is seen is covered in tattoos and has a nose ring and Zuko asks sincerely (since he doesn’t know who Sokka’s dad is) “is that your dad?” And Sokka responds “my dad doesn’t have a nose ring!” HAHAHAHAH

After watching the TV show, the movie looks so much worse in comparison. I thought it looked bad before and now it looks like an atrocity.

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Why God exists and why moral relativism works if viewed through a prism of selflessness and inter-subjectivity. I’m over 3000 words already, so I’ll save this for another day.

Questions for Friday. “Welcome back, we missed you so much pictures of you trying your best wanting IT looks” pictures are appreciated as well.

I’m exhausted.

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84 Responses to “When It Rains It Pours And I’M READY FOR THE RAIN!”

  1. tiffanized said

    Watching UFC 116 in person
    I read this as “Watching UFC 116 in prison“. Would be an interesting story indeed.

    Two Friday questions from this:
    1. Did you get one of those foam fist things?
    2. Have you been put in jail for any reason? Feel free to lie, either to protect yourself and/or make the story more interesting.

  2. tiffanized said

    I actually read the post before making this comment. It was a long post*. But it felt great*. For some reason I’ve not been able to read your posts for a few weeks, like temporary ADD set in and I couldn’t handle more than twenty words at a sitting. I think I’m back, but we’ll see.

    I was listening to Nelly’s “Country Grammar” while I read this. I’d never heard the uncensored version of this song, which is inconceivable yet also true. This became relevant when I read the section about Mel Gibson, because Nelly says the n-word about 27 times in 30 seconds during “Country Grammar”. Not once was I offended hearing Nelly say it. Every time I read what Gibson said I want to burn my copy of “Bird on a Wire”, but I don’t out of respect for Goldie Hawn. The song was also relevant when I read about “Purple Drank” because that seems like a Nelly thing. Purple Drank and Band-Aids. I guess you need the Band-Aids after careening around the house high on Purple Drank. Also, here is an amazing picture of Grimace with gold teeth and a bottle of cough syrup.

    Leon Phelps could buy me a fish sandwich any day.

  3. Michelle said

    Lindsay “on wednesdays in jail we wear orange” Lohan? Lock the girl up in rehab forevers!

    KStew wants it – and I want some of it too!

    Welcome back!!

  4. Amy D said

    Thank you for the gun store info, loved it and it sounds amazing. More so because I will be in Vegas the latter part of August, and most definitely will be visiting this disneyland adventure.

    Kristen’s ‘super hero’ picture – good Lord how long are her legs?? I want long legs like that, but thicker. I’m not a twiggy kind of gal…

    Glad you’re back. Weather wise, is it like jumping out of the frying pan into the fire??

  5. susanelle said

    I liked The Fifth Element, too… I can’t believe I like so many of the same movies as a guy who spends a lot of time shooting guns and watching UFC.

    Like, I’m so mellow: my favorite part of Vegas is the water fountain at Bellagio.

    But then, I am a stoner.

    But then again I took no pot to Vegas because of fears about airport security. Mellow paranoia.

    • MLF said

      dude- I agree one hundred percent. that fountain is magnificent.

      • susanelle said

        Dance to it with me!

        ::leans slooooowly to the left…..leans slooooowly to the right… SNAPS UP SUDDENLY!!… rinse, repeat::

      • PWG said

        Is that the Bellagio Fountain, or Legally Blonde?

      • MLF said

        ehh both, really tee hee

      • susanelle said

        Is that the Bellagio Fountain, or Legally Blonde?

        ::snort:: I forgot about that! Man, I am a sucker for things that snap, I guess.

        But you really gotta see that water snapping around… teasing you with spurts… then overwhelming you with waves and gyro-copters… it’s amazing. It’s the kind of fountain you could marry.

      • PWG said

        Marry? Pshh. I’m already spoken for by these fountains. I couldn’t decide on one. I’m a fountain bigamist as well as a polygamist.

      • susanelle said

        I’m already spoken for by these fountains.

        ::nods sagely:: but now you are talking motherhood and apple pie… these fountains, your fountains, are the kind of fountains I would suckle… change the diapers of… smooth the brow of… throw myself under a car to protect… etc.

      • PWG said

        Are we high? We all sound high today, don’t we? In a good, happy way I think, not the paranoid cop lights in the rearview mirror way. I also meant to point out that Kristen looks really good in all those pictures up there. The reddish hair and 12 foot legs are a good look for her.

      • MLF said

        we all really do sound high. I can only speak for myself but personally I am sober at the moment. at the moment being the key word..but I just got back from the gym recently. I like to get high and go swimming (you feel like a sea creature) but I don’t really enjoy running when I’m stoned. although it does pass the time more quickly since normally when I run I listen to music but if I’m high and I’m running then I’m just listening to the interesting little stories my brain tells me. but you run a lot slower. and also trip alot more. I am a gangly ungraceful person as it is so I need my wits about me in order to avoid smashing my face on stuff.

      • Perhaps this is what we’d all be like on Purple Draaaaank? Which, I’m not going to lie, I’m sort of intrigued by and kind of want to try.

      • susanelle said

        Which, I’m not going to lie,
        I’m sort of intrigued by
        and kind of want to try.

        OMG, I love it when you rap-rhyme

      • PWG said

        I just read that chocolate/champagne fountain site and it says, “Should you fill the fountain with a smooth orange juice, you can offer your guests orange juice from the iced fountain, Champagne from chilled ice buckets or a mix of both for Bucks Fizz.” No, you crazy limeys, that’s a mimosa.

      • tiffanized said

        Our fountain will flow with Purple Drank.

        By the way, I used to mix up concoctions like this but we used vodka too. Does this make me more bad ass than Jamarcus Russell? Who is Jamarcus Russell? I gather he’s an athlete since he was featured on SportsCenter, but who the hell knows. I turned on ESPN on July 4th to find people eating weiners. It wasn’t even The Ocho, it was first string ESPN.

  6. PWG said

    I’m glad you had a good time in Vegas. I’m feeling a tremendous amount of good will toward you today, I think it was your Twitter offer to do anything for us as long as it comes in under 140 characters.

    Or it’s because I just got lunch and California Pizza Kitchen has the best vegetarian food of anyplace ever. Seriously, if I have to eat pasta marinara or a fucking side salad again in any restaurant because that’s the only thing on the menu not composed of tendons and gristle and shit, I’m going to have a Network moment. Instead the good hippies at CPK made me fried artichoke hearts with dijon remoulade, hummus with warm wheat pita bread, and sweet corn tamale raviolis. God DAMN, son, that’s how you do veggie food. And a cherry limeade. I’m a content little PWG right now.

    Or because I’m going on vacation in a couple of weeks with the prospect of ending up in Mexican prison if my high school Spanish hasn’t held up as well as I remember. Las peliculas! I’m not bringing my family, either, just my girlfriends and HB as a late entry. I’ll be the one by the pool bar.

    • MLF said

      are you effing kidding me? somebody plz plz plz pack me in your suitcase and bring me with you! I’ve been taking flexibility classes all summer and I am totes bendy enough for it!

  7. MLF said

    ok first of all, Lindsay is going to jail?? uhhh I know I am out of the loop but…what?? Why on earth should she be going to jail? for drinking or something? because I’m pretty sure that’s what celebritites do- they act embarrassing in public so we (or at least most of america) can look at pictures of them or watch them on tv or have something to read about in the tabloids. unless she killed somebody I say we leave her alone and let her continue on in her own little self destructive spiral.

    secondly- guns are fun. I approve of this gun store. Every gun I have ever bought has come frome either Walmart, Bass Pro Shop or a gun show, and there was no automatic rifle shooting going on. I have shot an AK47 but only because my roomie owns one. we don’t worry much about break-in’s in our house…between my shotguns, his crazy killer assualt weapons, and my other roomie owns ninja stars…christ when I think about it we’re kind of scary but hey. we don’t have a dog…gotta protect the neighborhood somehow.

    • PWG said

      I’m definitely bringing you to Mexico.

    • One time I thought someone broke into the house my apartment’s in so I grabbed all I had to protect myself: a steak knife. It was a cheapy deal from WalMart and rusty, so if he didn’t bleed to death from the tiny puncture wounds, perhaps he could have contracted tetanus. Wanna break into my house? Fine, but be prepared to suffer irritability, neck stiffness, and trouble swallowing*, assholes.

      • MLF said

        see this is a perfect example of why you need to come live with me- I don’t want any intruder’s getting close enough to my precious HB that she would be in range of stabbing them with a steak knife.

        Not gonna lie though I do kinda want to see you stab someone with a steak knife so how about I shoot them first and then you can have at it. Safety first!

      • MLF said

        WAIT- It is possible I have underestimated you and you are a professional ninja steak knife thrower. If this is true my head may explode from your awesomeness*

      • Don’t put that thought in my head lest I try to prove my “skillz” the next time I’m drunk.

      • MLF said

        BAHAHA

        it’s hardly a laughing matter but the image of you drunkenly flinging a steak knife at someone dressed up our in a bar in NJ somewhere really makes me chuckle.

        I am not endorsing that but if it happens make sure someone catches it on camera

      • tiffanized said

        I go for blunt force trauma instead of stabbing. People can still fight you with a knife in their gut but a hammer to the forehead slows a motherfucker down considerably. Which is why there is a hammer under my sofa and my bed.

        Associated anecdote: once, while having sex, my partner put his hand under the bed (for what? traction? I never asked) and found the hammer. There was a weird moment in Sex History.

      • kt said

        man i almost cry when i find a cockroach has forced its way into my house. if anyone ever broke in i would just lock myself in a closet and probably pee my pants in fear. they would find my day later by the puddle outside the door. you are some hardcore bitches with your guns and knives and hammers.

      • PWG said

        Zombie Apocalypse Plan, Part 1: Get to Milfie’s house.

      • MLF said

        I do have a Zombiepocalypse Guide so we would be well prepared. and I will install some of those awesome doggy windows for your puppies and also some with little holes in them for our sniper riffles.

        and OMG. totally forgot about blunt force trauma Tiffanized so it’s a good thing you mentioned hammers- if I am to believe Bella Swan Zombie Killer- which of course I do because it is awesome- no zombie survival kit is complete without one.

  8. JumbledFartNOIZES said

    Vegas sounds like a trip. The last time I was in vegas I killed a guy. What happens in vegas stays in vegas!! just kidding. obviously!!! CUZ I JUST TOLD EVERYONE ON KSWI!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

    regarding the king (the real king, not “Lebron”, i’m talkin JAMARCUSSSS duh) I found it ironic that “The Bad Standards” had recorded a song about the king and his ties in the codiene ring with references to purple drank and all the goods. Those ‘Standards are so god damn versitile. Maybe we should call THEM the coalition package HAHAHAHAHA

    wsup ladieezzzz

    • MLF said

      omg. I want to give this comment aboout fifty thumbs up’s

    • JumbledFartNOIZES said

      A/S/L!!!!!!!

      • MLF said

        oh jesus here we go again. LOL

      • PWG said

        Dicks had impeccable grammar and punctuation skills, whilst JFN ends his hahahahahahas on an h. However, JFN makes an honest effort to charm while Dicks constantly threatens violent ass sex. All things considered, I’m going to hide behind Jordan until Tiffanized gets here with a hammer.

      • “JFN” also appears to have multiple personalities, as I’m fairly certain he also comments as “ODBlivesButIsntLiving”. So you can add that to the list of “evidence that he’s disturbed and unstable”. Which coincidentally overlaps nicely with the list of “reasons he belongs here at KSWI”.

      • tiffanized said

        When was Dicks going on? I missed it I think. I tried to Google “Kristen Stewart Wants It Dicks” but you don’t want to know how that turned out.

        Yes you do. NSFW, unless you have a job like mine.

      • DICKS reared his shouty caps head* on Guest Blogger Wednesday a few weeks ago. It was magical. Because, I mean, I do want my butt touched. Or something.

      • MLF said

        Pweeg that was the most eloquent paragraph ever to include the words violent ass sex. my hat is off to you yet again.

        and if I recall wasn’t DICKS a friend of Jordan’s/Dawgz, ect? That would explain the good grammar, while JFN is just a delightful interloper. Or at least I find him/her delightful (the jury is still out on gender although the wazzupp ladiezzz leads me to believe male but..hey. female is not out of the running either. no discrimination here, obvi)

      • tiffanized said

        Has DICKS been banned or did he just not come back? We are going to assume DICKS is not a “she”, mostly because of the incessant refrain of “BOOBS AND BUTTS”. Then again, we female common taters talk pretty regularly about our own and each other’s boobs and butts around here.

        The best part was how you commenters sort of sidestepped DICKS like dog shit on a sidewalk. Sure, some of you noted its presence with disgust or humor, but no one stepped right in it. I’m sorry I missed the debacle/display of commentary awesomness.

      • tiffanized said

        I read PWG’s comment as VIOLENT ASS sex. Then I realized after reading DICKS’ comments and MLF’s comment that we are talking about violent ASS SEX, “violent” being the descriptor and “ass sex” being the thing described. It was an interesting light bulb to have go off in my head at this hour and at this level of pharmaceutical intoxication.

      • MLF said

        was it like when they turn the groovy blacklights on at a DayGlow party? that’s how I’m picturing it. Maybe I still just have Purple Drank on the brain.

      • PWG said

        Just move the hyphens! http://xkcd.com/37/

    • JumbledFartNOIZES said

      I knew a tranny from Cleveland his/her name was LebRAWWWN

      • MLF said

        ….

        I think we might be soulmates

      • ODBlivesButIsntLiving said

        Yoyoyo! Not the same person dawg dont front that aight

        Purple Drank is the shizzo. Been drinkin drank since i started drankin aight

      • MLF said

        BAHAHAHA

        you may have wanted to use a different email address for that name then…

        unless you are schizophrenic in which case my apoligies- it is perfectly acceptable for split personalities to share an email address.

      • ODBlivesButIsntLiving said

        Damn yo. This my stage name aight

  9. I personally think Glee is overrated. It was better when it first started – it was much darker and meatier*. The plots, I mean. Now, they’re catering to teen-aged American Idol fans and it’s just song after song after song. Boooring. I mean, the dude that plays Finn can barely sing and has terrible rhythm. But he is pretty tall and dreamy so there’s that. I hope Modern Family wins it all.

    Vegas sounded fun. I really want to shoot a gun one of these days. I thought my night of Lady Gaga followed by a gay bar was a “colorful” experience, but it pales in comparison. Have you ever been to a gay bar? Straight dudes should totally go to gay bars. There are dozens of straight ladies at them, all looking for a dude to grind their business all up on. And they all have their guards down because they don’t think they’re getting hit on/molested. I’m pretty sure I saw men and women having sex with their clothes on, even though neither party was interested in the other romantically. They also played a lot of Lady Gaga, including a mash-up of Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” and “Telephone”. So really it sounds like a great place for you. I mean, a man may or may not try to stick his tongue down you’re throat at some point, but that’s a risk you should be willing to take. You’re pretty tall so that might make things hard for him.*

    I have literally no idea what I’m talking about right now because my brain is fried. I’m not aware of my surroundings. I just got caught staring at my own boobs.

    • MLF said

      I mean…your boobs are pretty great. I fully intend to stare at them when we hang out in person.

      • tiffanized said

        There better not be Milf and HB boob staring going on without me.

      • When it happens, you will know. The more the merrier.

      • MLF said

        yeah for realz- and don’t think I’m not excited to stare at yours too because you just popped up in my FB news feed with those wedding pics and dayyyuuummm!!! sexii sexiiiii OW OWWW

        these comments are just getting better and better.

        ps- I’m still sober. I have nothing to blame my wierdness on

      • tiffanized said

        How much do you love that my dad pulled my ex-husband up into the family photos? I’ve gotten about 183 messages from people asking me if we’ve gotten back together. Ce n’est pas cool.

        I wish I weren’t too lazy to look up the French word for cool.

      • MLF said

        say whaaaaa???

        ridiculous. men are so dense sometimes sheesh

  10. kt said

    todays post and comments are particularly awesome. not that they aren’t always awesome, but there is just something about today that made them extra awesome.

    • Indeed. Today’s comments have a very distinct “thanks-for-the-over-3000-words-today-Jordan-and-while-that’s-all-very-nice-and-all-we’re-gonna-go-ahead-and-talk-about-fountains-and-stabbing-and-my-boobs” feel to them.

      • PWG said

        You say that as if those topics are not perfectly aligned with his interests.

      • MLF said

        Let’s be real here- fountains, stabbing, and boobs are just a magical trifecta.

        shall we add topless knife-flinging fountain-watching to the KSWICON activity sheet?

        where is Cledbo? I bet she is a knife flinging pro- living in the wild with all her badassery and whatnot

      • MLF said

        BUT- before I give anybody any ideas, let us not forget the fantasticalness that is guns. This is America after all- there is room for both knives and guns. no need to choose- there is no love triangle of attack options going on here.

      • PWG said

        What you wrote: “Indeed. Today’s comments have a very distinct “thanks-for-the-over-3000-words-today-Jordan-and-while-that’s-all-very-nice-and-all-we’re-gonna-go-ahead-and-talk-about-fountains-and-stabbing-and-my-boobs” feel to them.”

        What I saw: my boobs: feel

      • You’ve cracked the code. Everything I’ve ever said here has been an invitation to touch my naughty cupcakes.

      • tiffanized said

        I invented the term “hairy cupcake” this weekend. I haven’t decided to what it refers, but you can imagine the general direction my prototypical definitions are taking.

      • cledbo said

        Sweater puppets!

  11. PWG said

    Man, work is really interrupting my commenting. “Go AWAY, people, can’t you see I’m BUSY?!!”

  12. Lala said

    The comments today are awesome, I don’t even remember what the post was about. Sorry about that, Jordan. And welcome back.

  13. Lala said

    Hey! I had written a comment before and wordpress ignored it. And now I don’t feel like commenting anymore.
    I’ll just say that the comments today are awesome.

  14. cledbo said

    Funny you should say, MLF, because I’m so late due to packing to go pretend that I’m as badass as I think I am for 2 weeks. Consider this my notice that you’re on your own for booze and badassery until the 25th.

    I completely agree with Tiff on the blunt force trauma as well, which is why I have a 4 D Cell Maglite next to my bed. A few well aimed whallops to the head and groin (and throat if you’re feeling really frisky*) and you’re laughing. They won’t be, obviously.

    Wait, was there a post today? I got so distracted by commenting awesomeness.

    Shooting is the bomb, I have said this before in an appropriately K-Stew themed post, I believe. And unlike you, KSWIJ, I am qualified to fire an M4 without some guy with his own firearm making sure I don’t go postal. M4s are pretty good, actually, and pretty damn good at hitting small black targets with them. Not as fun as grenade launchers, though. And you haven’t lived until you’ve blown up a wall or a bridge or something with C4 explosives. Just sayin’.

    Some of the comments on your youtube video and fucking funny as. You are indeed a BILF. Hah!

    • Thank you for reigning in my ADD and drawing my attention back to post-related content. The comments on that video are priceless. BILF? Genius. “I don’t wanna see your douche beard”? Fantastic. In comparison to YouTube, it seems the KSWI comment taters are more pro-beard and pro-Jordan in general. Though I’ve been put off beards momentarily, ever since I was pressured into licking a man’s beard a few weeks ago. It tasted like sweet tea vodka and shame. I’ll get over it.

      We’ll miss you. Hurry back and watch out for possums this time.

      • MLF said

        whoahhhh whoah whoah.

        you need to share any and all details pertaining to you licking someone’s beard. like, ASAP. How could you withold that kind of story! no way. I cannot exist for another second without hearing all about this glorious tale.

      • There’s really not a whole lot to it. Got drunk with a bunch of people in my friend’s backyard while playing Frisbeer (I’m not sure if this is a real game or something my crazy friends invented). Like most drinking games, it involves chugging beer out of a cup at some point. But we were playing with sweet tea vodka. Literally solo cups full of it. Because why not? Anyway, a certain gentleman – a shiny building of a man at 6’4″ who gets a little crazy when he drinks – spilled it all over himself while chugging. Once finished, he ran over to me and demanded I lick his beard. So I did. Figured there were worse things he could ask me to lick, after all. As you can see, it was very romantic.

      • MLF said

        I am not exagerating when I tell you that reading that almost made me cry because you are so awesome and I live so far away from you. Somebody needs to get you a reality show so that I can watch your everyday adventures. I would pay for cable and everything

      • I just remembered that the night I licked that dude’s beard was the same night I got hit on by a laaadddyyyy! So while a reality show of my life would be a terribly boring endeavor 90% of the time, that night probably could have made for some entertaining tv…

    • PWG said

      Yes, Mr. Bilfy Brumark, I’ve no doubt those 13k YouTube views are luring a new demographic to this den of iniquity. Time for another map of your web traffic!

      • Bilfy Brumark sounds like someone who lives in the Shire.

        Not that you aren’t awesome or whatever, but how did you get 13k views on that video?

        WHY CAN’T I SHUT UP TODAY?!

  15. tiffanized said

    More questions for Friday:
    1. What is/are your favorite slang term(s) for breasts? Perhaps in the form of a top ten list?
    2. With which household item would you savagely attack an intruder in your home?

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