This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #31

July 9, 2010

Friday. The weekend.

I was planning on starting this post with a furious a FURIOUS rant about Lebron James. I spent almost all of yesterday working myself up into a frenzy about Lebron. I’m sick about his decision. I’m sick about the whole process. I think it was and still is absolutely ridiculous. I can’t imagine he earned any fans yesterday and instead lost many. FUCKING MIAMI! Damn it, how stupid all of that was. I can’t get myself worked up about it again.

FUCKING MIAMI! After all this bullshit of waiting to find out where Lebron James is going – he just ends up going to Wade’s team? Wade doesn’t leave or do anything! Instead the two biggest free agents choose to join his stupid team!?! AHHHHH!!!! And when did Lebron figure out where he was going? That fucking morning! THAT FUCKING MORNING! Oh, great! That’s supposed to make me feel better. Lebron didn’t have this all planned out. Lebron didn’t have a plan. Lebron made a last minute decision the morning of? AHHHHH!!!! So stupid.

I’m sorry about that outburst. I’m trying to hold back- BUT I CAN’T! Fucking Lebron James! What an idiot! The whole bullshit about being courted by teams, like he was some princess – QUEEN JAMES! – touring for the best suitor,  was because he missed out on being courted by colleges since he went straight to the pros from high school. What the fuck!?! WHAT THE FUCK!?! Lebron decided to go to the pros – not anyone else. He missed out on being kissed up on by colleges because he decided to skip college. And who gives a fuck? Seriously, what a fucking child!?! Oh, I didn’t get loved by colleges when I was 18, so now I’m going to recreate that in the pros. FUCK YOU, buddy. I didn’t go to space camp when I was a kid, but I’m not throwing a pity party about it and making my parents make their own mini space camp in their backyard for me. Although that would be kind of cool.

I’m going to count to 10 and take some deep breaths to calm down. While I’m trying to calm down – watch this:

Questions… questions… questions…

What is/are your favorite slang term(s) for breasts? Perhaps in the form of a top ten list?

Um… boobs? This may sound quite ridiculous, but I don’t get all hot and bothered about euphemisms for the actually things themselves. It is the things themselves that I try to focus on. Focus on so much that I can’t break eye contact with them and then someone notices and yells, “he’s staring at your boobs!” And then I respond, “of course, I’m staring at her boobs. Do you see those things? Their nearly falling out of her shirt. There cannot be a reason why those boobs are almost completely exposed other than for me and everyone else to stare at them. Right? She definitely isn’t more aerodynamic.” At first people don’t want to agree, but then they think about it. Then everyone starts staring at the boobs and that’s when I move to the next question.

With which household item would you savagely attack an intruder in your home?

A butcher knife would be very effective.

I’m not sure I would need it though. My dragon style kung fu has no equal since I defeated the Great Lord Yoshi Takoro on the slopes of an erupting volcano. The caldera was unstable, my friends. Lord Takoro put up a great fight, but he had read it in the chicken bones and when he attacked with the flaming crescent moon heel kick he knew I was more than ready to annihilate him with a devastating counter attack, ie the venom fanged double uppercut. His death was mourned, but I got over it. I mean after all he was a Dallas Cowboys fan. So he couldn’t have been all that great of a guy.

So just remember, a flaming crescent moon heel kick can always be countered with a venom fanged double uppercut. Also, the ladies like it… in bed, am I right?

Did you get one of those foam fist things?

Nope. I did see plenty of people with them. I think they are a great promotional item. The UFC needs more of that type of stuff. For a long time the UFC seemed to think its model for success should be boxing or they should try appear like boxing does. But boxing blows. Or the presentation of boxing blows. Boxing kind of blows in general nowadays because there are not many boxers worth watching, but I’m getting sidetracked. Boxing isn’t fun. The UFC is exceptionally fun. I saw dozens of people with those foam fists taking pictures in front of UFC logos all over the event.

Have you been put in jail for any reason? Feel free to lie, either to protect yourself and/or make the story more interesting.

The truth I find more interesting than the fiction – I’ve never been to jail. I’ve never been arrested or put in handcuffs (sexy or unsexy reasons). It has just worked out that way so far.

Is your beard as coarse as it looks in those photos? Why is beard hair sometimes more steel-wool like in consistency than head hair? Surely the face and the scalp form a similar skin foundation?

I doubt my beard would be effective at cleaning pots or pans if that is what you are implying. My beard is a lot coarser than the hair on my head, but the hair on my head is as soft as the fur between a puppy’s toes. So it is coarser than my top of the head hair, but I don’t think it would cut skin or anything.

And of course, the question all us KSWI pervs want to know – does the carpet match the drapes? Or the table coverings?

It sounds like the question is really wondering if down there is red. It isn’t. And for some reason, I feel like I’ve answered this question before. Knowing this website and the general commenting staff I probably have. The redder color is exclusive to my above the neck region.


I’m going to go see Predators today. Hopefully it is good.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.


25 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #31”

  1. MLF said

    if for some reason I could not pick my gun as first choice of weapon, I would go with my swiffer wet jet. because I think it would be fucking hysterical to beat the shit out of someone with a swiffer wetjet. I wouldn’t just hit the person with it either, I would totally be spraying the solution stuff on them too

    • susanelle said

      Shit, there’s a real streak of cruelty in your otherwise sweet ‘n’ sexy persona, Milfie.

      If it’s in self-defense, you really shouldn’t spray the solution.

      • susanelle said

        Spraying the solution is like bayonetting a guy after shooting him.

      • MLF said

        I’m usually nice but I would go totally batshit on anyone who: broke into my house, hurt a child or animal, hurt my friend(s)

        I would have absolutely no problem with drowning some asshole in swiffer solution if he/she broke into my house first. I mean yes that’s not very nice but..NEITHER IS BREAKING INTO SOMEONE’S HOUSE! If you break into someone’s house or car I fully believe you deserve to get the shit beat out of you and in a humiliating way at that. But if he was already unconscious I wouldn’t keep hosing him- I would save that for while he/she was still fighting back. Also- I have gotten that stuff in my face before (don’t ask..) and it is highly incapacitating. so yeah, purely self defense reasons of course

      • susanelle said

        But if he was already unconscious I wouldn’t keep hosing him-

        Aw, see, there’s my girl… deep down you’re 24-karat

      • tiffanized said

        Considering the few times I’ve gotten mad enough to hit someone with something, I have the feeling that I would keep beating an intruder until they were really dead. And if I were beating said intruder with something that squirted, I’d keep squirting until I could squirt no more. Even when I was married I was in charge of “noises in the middle of the night” because the ex knew I was the only one of us capable of murderous rage.

      • susanelle said

        Blunt trauma on top of blunt trauma — sure.

        You wanna piss on the head of your unconscious or dead intruder — I’ll look away.

        You wanna nail-gun a dead/unconscious intruder to the floor — I get it.

        But Swiffer cleaning solution on open wounds? That’s just cruel.

      • MLF said

        ehhh..there’s worse things to have squirted in your face.* also, FML for knowing that.

  2. PWG said

    For perimeter defense I start with ADT monitored door alarms with motion detectors in the basement. I think everyone who’s seen a scary movie knows a serial killer could just break an un-alarmed window though, so my internal defense is two cranky old Australian Shepherds.

    If the bad guys make it through the hidden dog poop mines in the yard, break an unmonitored window with a glass cutter and bring the secret dog-disarming weapon of cooked hamburger, I’m on my own. If I rely on things I’ve hidden near my bed and couch ahead of time, I’m going to have to try and beat them to death with a plastic alarm clock or a 3′ oscillating fan.

    I’m willing to fight dirty, scratching, biting and gouging are all on the table. But I’m small and I have no ninja skills so my pre-emptive defense is to leave all the curtains and blinds open so potential robbers can clearly see ahead of time that I have nothing they want. I’m going to go rent Home Alone to polish my home defense skills.

    • campbelld said

      Australian Shepards? Like Blue Heelers? Like the dog from Mad Max 2?
      My family always has those dogs. They are incredibly un-vicious animals.

      • PWG said

        Why yes, I will use that as an excuse to shamelessly post my dog pictures again. No the Mad Max one was an Australian Cattle Dog, I think. Mine are used to actually round up Australians. In case I need any. Which I often do.

      • campbelld said

        Awwww, adorable. I like dogs. Cos dogs like me. It works.
        Also, Border Collies, is what we call them, generally. My cousins have a Border Collie cross Dalmation. Very clever dogs.

  3. Aw, KSWI officially turned 1 yesterday and nobody even noticed. Too bad I can’t take it out, get it drunk, and take advantage of it to celebrate. That is how you celebrate 1st birthdays, right?

    • MLF said

      only people who are really, really cool

      or really, really disturbed.

      I think all of us are both so….Party Down!

  4. Have you talked about the upholstery in your nether regions before? The Hairiness Graph(TM) didn’t go into much detail, so I know it didn’t happen then… We’re an odd group of people.

    • Amy D said

      I’m wondering why there was no more description…. If it doesn’t match, what the hell color are we working with? And since we are on the topic*, do you manscape at all or just let the good times roll?

  5. amanda said

    omg the diva from the fifth element is a BEAST!!

    this is unbelievable! just wait until the funky part.
    5 minutes of my life well spent.

  6. tiffanized said

    Nothing on my body “is as soft as the fur between a puppy’s toes”. I’m jealous.

  7. tiffanized said

    I feel bad that almost all of the questions were mine and the other two were about your body hair. And I’m sure that at least one of your common taters would be willing to take your handcuff virginity.

  8. kt said

    i enjoyed that little video quite a lot.

    sometimes i feel like we get a little too touchy feely with jordache. i mean you write funny stuff, but i didnt need know about your pubes… twice.

    i dont know why out of all the things that have been said and done on here that that is where i draw the line. lol.


  9. campbelld said

    Yeah, seriously, that was a massive over blown piece of crap with Lebron. I kinda wish I was still in the states, so I could have watched it. It was have been mad funny high as shit.

    I have a number of weapons scattered about my room, including a detached table leg under my bed and a sharpened TV antenna taped to the side of my desk. I was a very paranoid teenager. Nothing on my cousin, who works in an army supply store and has at least a dozen knives scattered about his room. Including a marine issue machete. Strange lad.

    I really wanna see Predators. Apparently it’s pretty fucking awesome. Super macho. But so was the original, so thats good. Wanna get the guys together and dude out on it.
    Wow. That sounded less gay in my head.

  10. Murad said

    Miami is a crime-ridden city where English is the 2nd language-spoken in vast areas — and no, they won’t speak English to accommodate you. Miami is a quintessential sunbelt milk toast sports town at best made up of a lot of people not from Miami, hence they have their own loyalties to other teams :

  11. Hello just wanted to give you a quick heads up and let you know a few of the images aren’t
    loading properly. I’m not sure why but I think its a linking issue.

    I’ve tried it in two different internet browsers and both show the same outcome.

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