SPAIN – I Loved Ye’ From Afar Like An Admiring Nephew

July 12, 2010

And it’s all over. And IT’S all over. And IT’S ALL over. And IT’S ALL OVER!

AND IT’S ALLLLL OVAHHHHHH!!

First, how was everyone’s weekend? I am going to write about the World Cup final that took place yesterday. But we both know the comments section will reflect what you all did this weekend and/or some splintered topic about something after that. So I should at least participate in this eventual comment exchange. How was your weekend everyone? And by asking this, it will now appear that the comments section is actually reflecting something I wrote and that I started this eventual comment conversation. Ahhh, I feel better now. Don’t you?

Huh-ow! Wha-uz! Eh-vir-ee-wuh-nuh-sss! We-can-duh!?!

THE WORLD CUP

SPAIN WINS

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On Sunday, I decided to watch TV. I’m not sure what you did, but I watched TV from 2:00pm until about 5pm. That TV was tuned to ABC. Reason being – there was a soccer match on. Un futbol partido? Coincidentally enough, I was not the only person who watched that game. Roughly, just an estimate, ONE BILLION people were also watching the game. I’m not a follower or anything, but when ONE SIXTH OF THE FUCKING PLANET is participating in something it may be something you want to pay attention to. And if you are a cynical person and believe taking the high road is saying “oh it’s just a soccer game” or “oh it’s just sports who cares” or whatever – ONE BILLION PEOPLE! ONE BILLION! There is nothing in HUMAN history that more HUMAN beings all watch or pay attention to at the same time like the World Cup, so actively not watching the World Cup is actively not trying to be apart of the rest of the human world.

That may sound hyperbolic, but I believe not watching the World Cup should maybe seen as treasonous to mankind. I’m just saying that may be how I feel.

SPAIN WINS

Of course, I was rooting for the US of A in the World Cup. But they were unceremoniously ousted by the Ghanaananaians and I couldn’t sanely continue solely rooting for them once they were not in the tournament. My fandom from that moment on became in a sense a whore.

I was a fan of Uruguay and the astounding Diego Forlan. I was routinely amazed at his abilities to nearly single-handedly win games. I was a fan of his soccer playing, goal scoring and the fact he looked way too much like Owen “King of Hearts” Hart. I was rooting for Uruguay against the Netherlands and was saddened when they lost. I rooted for them against Germany in the 3rd place game on Saturday, and was on the edge of my seat when Forlan almost tied the game 3-3 in the final minute of the game when the ball fucking banked off the top crossbar! And when he left the fields of South Africa, I was worried about where doth thou Diego Forlan go now…

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Well, he doth goeth to motherfucking heaven because this is his special lady friend and now I don’t worry about Diego Forlan at all. Not even a bit. He is “in” a wonderful place right now*. God bless you, Forlan.

And, I was a fan of Spain. ESPANA! I don’t know how to make that ~ tildae appear over the “n”. Just use your imagination. Use your imagination that the ~ is over the n in Espana just like how people are imagining Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead is a good movie and not just some pretentious quick talkin’ British nonsense. Anyway, my whorish fandom found a home in Spain!

Before I discuss how excited I was that Spain won, let me discuss the lack of blowjobs. There was one “adult actress” named Bobbi Eden, I believe, who announced via twitter that if the Netherlands won the World Cup she would perform oral love on each one of her twitter followers. I became a twitter follower of Ms. Eden’s so quickly that I nearly went back in time and was a follower of hers before she even made the announcement like the Flash or Superman running against the rotation of the Earth so fast that they go back in time. After her initial announcement, three additional female pornstars said they would help in this blowjob around the world effort.

I will admit I was rooting for the Netherlands. Or I would’ve been completely cool with the Netherlands winning if that somehow resulted in a pornstar… well… blowing me. But at the same time, I had an incurable feeling that if the Netherlands won I was never going to be able to “cash” in on that promise of said pornstar(s) and then I would be stuck with the Netherlands winning the World Cup and still just as unsatisfied as I was prior to them winning. In the end, my heart was never fully a fan of the Netherlands and was always rooting for Spain.

SPAIN!

Oh the boys of Spain truly are the Princes of the Universe today! Oh, why did I waste posting that song last week. It’s not like I can post it again… oh of-fucking-course I can.

Why was I such a fan of Spain? Well, it was the players. They are/were a soccer team, but each was a character as if in a play or in a band or in something more than just a soccer team that one billion people watched win the World Cup. Just as I became a fan of Diego Forlan and began learning about his history, I did the same for the Spanish team. None of them were bland. They were like living side-characters from an anime about a Spanish soccer team. They were like the greatest boy band in history if that boy band didn’t put out songs that make me want to stab my ears out with rusty nails and instead played exceptional soccer.

Iker Casillas – The Goalkeeper especial! He was villainized in the first game against Switzerland when he let in the one and only goal, which cost Spain the game. He let in a goal and no one could understand how! How did Casillas let it a goal!?! I know! It was his uber-hot girlfriend/sideline reporter. It was actually hypothesized that Casillas hot girlfriend who is also a sports sideline reporter distracted him with her hotness as she was setup to do her reporting not far from his goal. Unbelievable. She must be pretty effin’ hot to do that –

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Which she is. After that game, Casillas was near invincible from then on. Only allowing one more goal in the next 6 games and then winning goalkeeper of the tournament. Vindication! And he still gets to put the wood to that reporter chick so BULLY FOR HIM! Boy band member: Kevin Richardson

Joan Capdevilla – The old man! The oldest man in Spain seemingly. Before almost every game, the commentators would choose who was the weak link of the Spanish squad and inevitably they would land on Capdevilla. Why? Because at 32 years of age, somehow Capdevilla is broken and old. Why? Who knows? But that’s all they could talk about with him. And he never really did anything to warrant it. It was more or less that everyone else on the team is so good that Capdevilla had to be bad. Boy band member: Jonathan Knight

Carles Puyol – That flowing mane of sweaty slightly curled hair. Oh it is glorious. Puyol scored a game winning header in the semi-final, but he scored a place in my heart with that hair. He looked like the UFC’s Clay Guida. Not slightly, but exactly. He looks exactly like Clay Guida. And Clay Guida looks exactly like a GEICO caveman. A+B=C and Puyol looks like a shaved GEICO caveman. I thought that was enough for me to be a fan, but then it was revealed why Puyol has his hair in such a fashionable glorious mane. He is self-conscious about the size of his ears. Awww and now he is adorable. Boy band member: Joey Fatone

Sergio Ramos – What can be said about Sergio Ramos that I’m sure every girl he has merely hesitantly wanted to have sex with and then immediately did have sex with a second hasn’t said about him? His trademark sweaty scalp tight pony tail and head band. His wrist cuff tattoo. How the announcers loved rolling their “rr” when saying his named RRRRRRrrrrraaaahhhhmmmmooooosssss! Boy band member: Nick Carter

Gerard Pique – PK! P! K! That is how his last name is pronounce seemingly or all the announcers were pronouncing it wrong. Also, painted as a villain from the first loss against the Swiss, PK vindicated himself by clearing being the cornerstone of the Spain’s defense. PK looks like a bassist for hip late-90’s rock band. His spiky hair, his profuse bleeding in many of the games. My favorite PK attribute was that he always left the tie of his shorts tied on the outside of his shorts. He knows what the people like and the people like seeing his elegant drawstring shorts bow on the outside and not tucked in. Boy band member: Donnie Wahlberg

Xavi – He only needs one name. XAVI! ZHA-VEE! The crown of black spiky hair. The rock of the midfield. Xavi was partly the quarterback of the Spanish team. He commanded the field for the royal red Spanish. And he did so with one word: Xavi. He inspired them with all one word: Xavi. He led them to victory with one word: Xavi. He answered all questions with one word: Xavi. What’s the capital of Spain? Xavi. What’s the square root of pi? Xavi. What is the secret ingredient in Kentucky Fried Chicken? XAVI! Boy band member: JC Chavez

Xabi Alonso – Besides Xabi Alonso’s cool demeanor and ability to steer the game and make moves like the invisible hand of the Spanish midfield and besides his all American good looks and besides his ability to get under his opponents’ skin and draw red cards and besides him first scoring a free kick until the ref called a ticky tack offside penalty… HIS NAME IS FUCKING FUN TO SAY! ZHA-BEE ALONZO! ZHA-BEE ALONZO! Boy band member: Brian Littrell

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Sergio Busquets – In the finality of phenomenal names on the Spanish team – Xavi, Xabi Alonso, Ramos, PK – it is Sergio Busquets who has the greatest of great names to yell at high volume for no apparent reason. BOO-SKETS! BOO-SKETS! Uhhhh-boo-skets? Boo-skets. Boo! Skets! Boo? Skets! BOO-SKETS! When you win bingo you should yell BOO-SKETS! When you climax during sex or just at home by yourself you should yell BOO-SKETS! Boy band member: A.J. McLean

Andres Iniesta – Oh my bald headed little wonder boy. He won the fucking World Cup! Iniesta is an incredible soccer player with a quiet demeanor who a team may sleep on because he doesn’t have the crazy outward persona or even hair of some of his teammates and rivals, but Iniesta is a gamer. He is professional, he makes plays, and he wins this small tournament of teams called THE WORLD CUP with an incredible goal. Boy band member: Justin Timberlake

Fernando Torres – He is so handsome. Not much to say after that. A great great soccer player in every other set of games he has ever played outside of this year’s World Cup. A tremendous talent, but sadly did not have a good World Cup. By the end of the Cup, he was playing less and less time. He was even pulled from the starting roster. And it didn’t end there, in the final game when he had his one shot at really trying something – he seemingly pulled his groin or quad running for the ball. I’m not sure if it was God punishing Torres for his faux-hawk, but who is to say for sure. He is an attractive young man who then got a faux-hawk and that may have angered the almighty. Nevertheless, he too won the World Cup and congrats on that. Boy band member: Joey McIntyre

David Villa – YES! YES! VILLA! DAVID VILLA! My favorite of the Spanish soccer team. The initial draw to the Spanish team was Mr. Villa his goal scoring, his faux-hawk, his soul patch and my belief he may or may not be the most insufferable man to deal with because of his arrogance over the recently mentioned things at the beginning of this sentence. All signs point to him being insufferable. I could imagine him at a Barcelona night club popping champagne bottles and pouring them on the floor and calling for more champagne to pop just because he likes the sound and he isn’t paying for any of it because he scored 5 goals in the World Cup. But seemingly I’m wrong about that. Everything I’ve read about David Villa says that he is a wonderful man. He was not a prodigy soccer player signed at 16 to a big famous club for millions of dollars. He instead has worked through the lower leagues, consistently being the number 1 goal scorer and then promoted to the next league. He was just signed from Valencia to Barcelona for an obscene amount of money and good luck to him. He married his childhood sweetheart and he does a lot of charity work. I liked him when I thought he was insufferable and now that he is apparently just excellent and a good guy then everyone should like him. VILLA! Boy band member: Jordan Knight

So what does this all mean? I have no idea. But I’m now depressed the World Cup is over. Until 2014… fuck that’s far away.

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38 Responses to “SPAIN – I Loved Ye’ From Afar Like An Admiring Nephew”

  1. MLF said

    “How was your weekend everyone? And by asking this, it will now appear that the comments section is actually reflecting something I wrote and that I started this eventual comment conversation. Ahhh, I feel better now. Don’t you?”

    *narrows her eyes* I see what you are doing and I am not amused. that took about 100% of the fun out of all the off topic things I wanted to tell the sister wives.

    whelp…..I’ve got nothing to say now.

  2. tiffanized said

    I watched the World Cup final Sunday. I wanted the Netherlands to win just so I could see how the porn stars planned to carry out all the blowjobbing. Would they go to everyone, but require their travel expenses to be paid? Would it be a “World Tour” where they would service New York, LA, London, Amsterdam, etc. on a schedule? Or would you have to go to them at your own expense? Also, if I were a follower, would I get head too, only the girl kind? The logistics are mindboggling and have used up too much of my time already.

    David Villa looks like Joaquin Phoenix to me. Every time he came on the screen I yelled “ha-KEEN!” because that is how I pronounce Joaquin. This was poorly received by my fellow game-watchers. I heard PK so many times I thought it was referring to a play or a penalty; we were in the second additional fifteen minutes before I became aware that it was the name of a player. I asked, “What does it mean when there is a PK? What does it stand for?” Also, poorly received. I also thought that dude looked like Guida, so much that I was calling him Guida. Guess what? Poorly received. Soccer fans, despite all the promises of drunken rioting, are a humorless bunch sometimes.

    • PWG said

      The Power of One was set in South Africa and the main character was called PK (short for pisskop, Afrikaans for pisshead) because he wet his bed. It was all I could think of everytime I heard that guy’s name.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        “The Power of One” I knew ye well. That movie made a 9 year old Kay-swidge-Jizzle tear up. Pretty emotional movie for a 9 year to be seeing if I think about it.

        Anyway, I had to check when that movie was made – I didn’t know it off the top of my head. I went to IMDB. I typed in “Stephen Dorff” and not only did IMDB not take me straight to Stephen Dorff’s page, but it listed him as the SECOND option for my search. The first being “Steve Dorff” who oddly enough has been the composer of two Brendan Fraser movies. How far Stephen Dorff has fallen that he is not the first search option for a search where his name is spelled 100% correctly on a movie website.

        By the way, that is Brendan Fraser – not pronounced “Fray-zh-err”, but pronounced “douche-bag”. Isn’t that crazy?

      • PWG said

        Worse, the guy who came in first is his dad. Awkward.

  3. kt said

    Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead is a horrible movie. I tried to watch it and got like 30 minutes in before I was so bored I couldn’t take it anymore. And I couldn’t even begin to tell you what happened in those 30 minutes I did watch.

    I watched the game. My mom thought it was weird I was watching the game. More than once she walked through the room and said “really? soccer?”. I had no allegiances to anyone after the US was out so I based my opinions on where I have traveled and the hotness of players. The Netherlands won because I had an awesome time in Amsterdam and their goalkeeper is ridiculously hot. Plus I wanted to see all those dudes get blowjobs.

    • MLF said

      “so I based my opinions on where I have traveled and the hotness of players.”

      this makes complete sense: two thumbs up.

      • tiffanized said

        My favorite NASCAR drivers are chosen by car color and then sorted by hotness.

      • MLF said

        you know what this means: we are all geniuses. People who choose sport’s favorites on things based like game stat’s or past performance are just not as awesome as us.

        my grandpa always used to bet on horses by their name’s alone- whichever name he thought was the best was who he’d bid on, and I must say he won quite a bit of money from it. We are clearly onto something.

  4. Hiya. Traitor over here. You can count me in the billions that didn’t watch. I was busy being outside by a pool. And unintentionally cougaring, I think…

    Is Jordan Knight secretly your favorite boy bander, or do you just want to share a first name with your mancrush?

    We can take our 83 off-topic comments elsewhere BUT YOU LOVE IT.

    • tiffanized said

      Unintentional cougaring? You’re like 25 so he had to be what, 14?

      On Saturday night our waitress repeatedly referred to my date as being “5 years old”, “a baby”, and “the little guy”. She served him a beer without IDing him so we figured she thought I was his mom and if it was okay with me that he had alcohol, it was okay with them. Probably didn’t help that we spent the whole time we were there trying to launch a plastic frog into a glass of Miller Lite.

      • I am a crusty old 26 now, actually.

        I am a terrible judge of age, so I don’t know how old he was. At some point in our conversation he asked me if I was still in school. At the time, I assumed he meant college… if there is a God, he did mean college. But for all I know it could have been high school. I mean, I was at a pool, so it’s not like he needed to be 21+ to get in. And it was a community pool, so driving isn’t even a requirement. In the end, I decided he was probably young 20’s, since his body was too good to be a high schoolers… If he shows up again next weekend, then I’ll have to come up with an inconspicuous way of asking him if I could end up in some sort of Deviant’s Database should I continue talking to him.

      • PWG said

        I’m pretty sure we’re making the Deviants Database regardless of your lad stalking.

      • MLF said

        oh pweeg…I just fell out of my chair. At least it was in laughter as opposed to the fifty other times today I have fallen out of my chair and had only my lack of coordination to blame.

        and Tiff- I want frog launching to be added to the list of KSWICON activities. It can replace quarters during cocktail hour since clearly it is way more awesome.

  5. Amy D said

    My weekend consisted of taking the teen out shopping for her concert outfit.

    Yup, she won tickets from a local radio station to the sold out Justin Bieber concert tomorrow. I’m excited for her because she is quite fond of the little Bieber, however I am not looking forward to the experience of being trampled on by hoards of teeny boppers screaming at levels that only dogs should hear. I will be under the influence of anything to get my through the night…. Your prayers are appreciated.

    • tiffanized said

      Take a shot of tequila before you go in and have stuff to entertain yourself. I went to see the Jonas Brothers last year. I held up my tiny plastic Edward Cullen and took a picture of him with the Jonii. Also the venue sold margaritas, and the ladies behind the counter were so helpful that they put in an extra shot of Patron for me. I “accidentally” fondled Joe Jonas’ knee.

      • Amy D said

        It is beyond weird to me that venues will sell alcohol at teen events, however I’m not complaining because I will make full use of it.

        It was quite the experience to go to the NKOTB concert last year and get shit faced, they we the first concert I saw when I was a teen so it was like coming full circle*

      • CamboD said

        oh gawd, I wanna go to a kids concert shitfaced now. This is almost as good as my idea to go and see any twilight film monsterously drunk, and hoot and holler whenever a female was on the screen. However, all my friends have to much dignity. Fucking dignity.

  6. Lala said

    I didn’t watch the game – what a surprise – but I did see the part where that guy was kicked in the chest. That must have hurt.
    Since you asked, I’m not sure we are really supposed to tell you about our weekends or not. Well, I am telling anyway. I got really, really drunk on Saturday. I don’t usually drink, but it was nice.

    • I saw that. Even when annihilated your English is perfect. Perhaps even better than mine. Bravo.

      • Lala said

        I don’t remember where I got the idea of checking my emails and twitter while drunk. I do remember it took me about 15 minutes to figure out how to spell “tequila” with the bottle in front of me.

  7. amanda said

    dont worry man, the world cup will be back before you know it.

  8. PWG said

    I was rooting for the Dutch. I sit with my back to my Dutch co-morker, and the Dutch are unstable. I fear for my life tomorrow if I clear my throat too often or something. I thought I was part Dutch my whole life. My dad calls himself “Dutch”, even. Then my mother tells me this year that my father started calling himself that in high school, for no reason anyone could discern. I thought back and realized that even though he signs his e-mails Dutch, and leaves voicemails to other people saying, “This is Dutch,” I’ve never actually heard anyone else call him that. So apparently I’m not Dutch, and my father is a persistent lunatic.

    In reality I was rooting for the Spanish because they looked like tiny little hobbits next to the gargantuan Dutch. Who doesn’t root for hobbits?

  9. jumbledFartNOIZES said

    The funny thing about Spain’s team is that they’re a lot like The Bad Standards.

    Handsome and funny, charming, (good soccer players, not as good, but they’re good– i mean THEY WON THE WORLD CUP LOLOLOL but the bad standards would win the universe cup duh)

    Speaking of the ole ‘Standards. This weekend I dug up the mixtape they did a few years ago. As soon as I score a cassette player I’ll upload the tracks. Those guys rock

    • PWG said

      ::cough::badstandardsbot::cough::

      • Seriously. Who the eff are The Bad Standards? And which one of your friends is this, Kay Swidge?

      • PWG said

        Dawgz said: June 30, 2010 at 4:33 pm:
        The video wasn’t just a nice touch LALA it was epic and lead me to think of that old “The Bad Standards” jam “I had sex with your mom.”

        It’s an inside joke amongst boys who like to spell their names with Zs. Confess, Kyle.

      • MLF said

        I really feel like JFN’s grammar is not good enough to be in with the Kswizzle crowd. Don’t feel bad JFN…mine isn’t either.

        also, keeping us on our toes as to your gender! I was really leaning towards male after last week’s “wassup ladiezzz” which had the skirts of at least KT and I aflutter…but now I am leaning towards female. I just can’t imagine a guy saying
        ” KRISTEN STEWARTS SO HOT and she obvi wantz it!!!!”

        I mean true words but I’ve never seen a guy say “obvi” before.

    • jumbledFartNOIZES said

      theyre my favorite band. they’re mainly a studio band. this website came up when i googled seeking tracklisting for their next upcoming release “…Baby”
      KRISTEN STEWARTS SO HOT and she obvi wantz it!!!!

    • jumbledFartNOIZES said

  10. CamboD said

    Ahhhh the world cup. In Aussieland, the games are on at about four in the morning. Which is far to late for me to stay awake/get up to watch something I’m not really that invested in the first place. I was going for the Dutch, becuase half my suburb is Dutch (and yes, they grow tulips), but good on Spain. Good for them. Snaps.

  11. maria said

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    It’s a premiere plus-size dating community for BBW & BHM seeking large person. A nice and free place for Younger- Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Come in, post a message, a picture of yourself and check out the hot photo galleries. You will find someone you like here…

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