Kristen Stewart Wants IT and Zimbio Has IT

July 13, 2010

It’s a new post! Ohh Emm Gee! Who would’ve guessed? Can you still believe this motherfucker is still writing this damn website? Everyday! Evv-verr-eee-day. It’s crazy. I mean Kristen Stewart does want it. Seriously, if people didn’t get that by now it would be downright criminal. I mean she wants IT. Kristen Stewart really really wants it. But for some reason, I have this drive to push this point farther and farther down everyone’s throats and into the back of their frontal lobe that Kristen Stewart wants IT. It is quite possitively my favorite thing about her!

I get home late last night and I think to myself, “Oh, what the fuck am I going to write about tomorrow?” That’s what I think! I turn on my computer and I immediately come up with an idea for a post. My response to my idea was that’s a good idea, let’s save that for another day when I can’t think of something to write. Now I need to still think of something. What about pictures? What about pictures!?! Brilliant idea. Pictures. Who doesn’t like a good picture? Images.

I head over to my trusty Zimbio dot com. I type into the search engine: Freddie Mercury. Why? Just to make sure his death was a hoax. I mean if there are any updates on Freddie Mercury being alive then I WANT TO KNOW! Could you imagine living one full day on this Earth and not knowing Freddie Mercury is actually still alive? That would be a waste of a day! An entire 24 hours completely wasted on not basking in the mustachioed goodness of Freddie Mercury. Did you know that “mustachioed” is a word recognized by WordPress, but WordPress isn’t? Did you know Freddie Mercury was from Zanzibar? Did know Zanzibar was a real country and not some fictional world created by Disney with elephants, wizards and, the occasional, elephant wizard? Zanzibar really peaked with Freddie Mercury.

Anyway, after I realize that Freddie is still dead, sadly. I then type in “Kristen Stewart” and search for pictures. Eureka! There are pictures. There are new pictures! Newer than the pictures I used Friday to post with. Incredible. These people don’t leave this chick alone do they. Let’s see what great pictures of Kristen Stewart Zimbio has for us today. Let’s see how much she “wants IT” in them. Let’s hold hands and see them together for the first time:

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OH MY GOD! OH MY GAWD! SHE WANTS IT! KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT! LOOK HOW MUCH SHE WANTS!

I really like this close-up shot and everything because you can see the sunny redness in her hair, her lovely soft white skin and, of course, HOW MUCH SHE WANTS IT! Am I right? But let’s hope, nay pray, that they took a picture from a bit farther away so we can really see how much Kirsten Stewart wants it.

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FUCK! FUCKITY FUCK! OH MY FUCKITY FUCK! I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE THE FUCKITY FUCK SHE FUCKITY FUCK WANTS IT!

Look at that body language. She fucking wants it. She fucking wants IIIIITTTTT! KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT!!!!!!! How could this get any better? What possible other great angles could they get that could at all top the ones we’ve already seen?

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KA-BLAM-OH! HOLY SHIT! She wants IT, Zimbio! You got her good with these pictures. If there was a way I could buy stock in a set of pictures in a slideshow gallery on a free website, actually let me start again – if there was a brokerage firm that accepted United States of America currency that I worked for doing some odd pool cleaning jobs and then I took that money and gave it to said brokerage firm to invest that money into the likelihood that the worth of a series of photos in a slideshow photo gallery that is accessible for free on a website and those pictures were of Kristen Stewart and the worth and eventual new worth down the line was based off of how much those pictures show her wanting IT then THESE WOULD BE THOSE PICTURES THAT I WOULD INVEST IN WITH MY MONEY!!!!!

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I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Thank you, Zimbio. Thank you for all your hard work either paying a photographer to go out and take these truly inspiring pictures or purchasing these pictures from whatever Kristen Stewart stalker made you aware of their existence when they stalked Kristen Stewart to the Troubadour and took pictures that barely show it is her while she was in a cab as she tried to hide from the camera as much as she could in the backseat of said cab. All your hard work and money has been well spent!

I still can’t believe “mustachioed” is recognized by WordPress.

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FUCK! This is actually KSWI Jordan saying FUCK! I have an idea for this that I think is funny to spice up the post, but I’m waiting on some other website to send me a confirmation email. FUCK! I want to upload a quick audio clip to a site that then allows me to stream to another site, but I don’t know any sites like that. I find a website called “metracks” which seems like it can accomplish this task and guess what? They take forever to send confirmation emails for starting an account.

FUCK! Well, I found another site called 4shared, but I can’t get a little streaming player to pop up on my site. I can do this:

first.mp3

It will take you to their site. Close, but not what I wanted. Anybody know a place that can do what I want? I mean outside of strip clubs.

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together.mp3

She wants it so bad her head is all tilted in all these crazy ways. Kristen Stewart wants IT so bad she literally can’t keep her head on straight. Hahahaha! She wants it. Oh man! ZIMBIO!

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The only thing more priceless than these photos is the photos that began this story. The photos of Kristen Stewart who clearly was not in the mood to have her picture taken in her leather jacket and gray undershirt trying to go to a bar or whatever. I can only imagine that the pictures preceding these when she is hurried into a cab and a whole bunch of paparazzi stalkers are smashing into each other to get a clear shot of Lady Kristen are even more priceless. If that was even a term! More priceless! Pricelessier! Pricelessiest!

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TA-DA! Oh you have done your job thoroughly well tonight, Zimbio. Simple remarkable. This is the best picture yet. Look how much Kristen Stewart wants it in this. She is practically being sucked into the cab like a vacuum cleaner she wants it that bed. It’s like a reverse eject button. It’s like an inject button! A button that injects Kristen Stewart into the car. I mean she really wants it!

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– End Scene –

– Beginning Scene –

– Barely See Kristen Mulling About In The Background Scene –

– More Of A Picture Of A No Parking Fire Exit Sign Scene –

– End Scene –

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31 Responses to “Kristen Stewart Wants IT and Zimbio Has IT”

  1. tiffanized said

    All I can think is, “Is that TomStu in the Steve Miller Band shirt?”

    Also, this is the closest thing I’ve ever seen to Kristen Stewart not wanting it.

    • kt said

      OMG thats exactly what I thought too!!

      Actually it was more like “That’s TomStu.What’s his shirt say? Steve Miller Band? Awesome. Where does one get a Steve Miller Band shirt, cause I kinda want one”

    • I’ve noticed she doesn’t seem to have any friends of her own. She’s always hanging out with Rob’s friends. Who the hell did she hang out with before Twilight?

      I don’t know why I’m concerning myself with that, but it bugs me. It’s not healthy.

      • kt said

        Oregano and NReed. But I’m pretty sure neither of them like her anymore.

      • MLF said

        KT I think you’re right but dude..I hate to say it but I would probably be doing the same thing she is. Who wouldn’t want to hang out with a bunch of adorable british boys all the time? oh well. I do ship RobStewStu afterall…make of that what you will

      • Lala said

        I would say it’s pretty healthy to hung out with a lot of hot guys.

      • PWG said

        I Spidey-sense Kay Swidge’s mounting distress as the comments take a turn toward the Pattinson. A topic he has to agree we generally ignore. Which I find impressive given the number of common taters who didn’t end up at this blog after googling “nicknames for Charles de Gaulle.”

        To my knowledge, Jorge never even saw the biggest movie his Wanter was in this year, and no one cares enough to even fake-harass him about it. (God, I sooooo want to put an asterisk after “mounting distress.”)

        For your sake, Jordan, I hope you just had to Google what a TomStu is.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        Trust me – I didn’t google “TomStu”.

      • MLF said

        sigh, tomstu. so adorbs. After seeing Pirate Radio I almost forgot about rob for like…three seconds. but seriously I hope Kristen’s tapping both those asses. at the same time.

        I’m feeling very slashy right now.

      • Michelle said

        She has other friends, Scout being one that comes to mind, and they hang out, go on road trips, etc. Robs friends seem to be more in the public eye so she gets photographed when hanging out with them.

      • I don’t know who Scout is, but it sounds suspiciously like a pet’s name. And if I couldn’t bring my dog to prom, then this “Scout” can’t count as a friend for Kristen.

        Kidding. I had a prom date. Though he wasn’t quite tall enough… And he wore tails, a top hat and an eye patch… I mean he didn’t need the eye patch, but he couldn’t find a monocle so that was his only other option… So anyway, I didn’t take my dog to prom.

      • Michelle said

        My bad. Scout Taylor-Compton. She was in The Runaways with Kristen. Just recently they both had movies at LA Film Festival, Welcome to the Rileys and Love Ranch, and they both walked the red carpets to support one another. Oh and Kristen also had a little movie called Eclipse premier that week too…

    • MLF said

      I think the back of that t shirt says Gangster of Love….at least if the pictures are from the same day but kristen was wearing the same thing in them…but yeah. I saw that shirt and was like damn. I need that. right now.

      • kt said

        You are right it does! Makes me want it even more.

        And the fact that it took me all of 5 seconds to find a video of this night where I could see the back of his shirt really creeps me out a little. Paps are creepy.

      • Confession: for some reason, I confused Steve Miller Band with Steve Winwood until your “Gangster of Love” observation. I don’t know why because I definitely know better. But I really did like the idea of TomStu and company rocking out to “Higher Love” and “Valerie”.

      • PWG said

        I can’t even read that without going, “ValereeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEE” in my head.

    • susanelle said

      this is the closest thing I’ve ever seen to Kristen Stewart not wanting it

      …but according the original joke of “she wants it”….in these photos, she really “wants it”!

  2. Put this on your next baby onesie, please: Zanzibar really peaked with Freddie Mercury.

    I’ve never heard of Zimbio before. I actually assumed it was another Spanish soccer player until I started reading.

  3. kt said

    I didn’t know Zanzibar was like a real place. I always associated it with that Tenacious D song “Fuck Her Gently”. My friends and I had a love affair with this song stemming from our favorite cover band making a point to sing it for us every time they played at our favorite bar senior year of college. Anyways, there is a line where Jack Black says “What’s your favorite dish? I’m not gonna cook it but I’ll order it from Zanzibar’s!” My friend Julie took a picture of the restaurant for us when she visited NYC. So yeah… didn’t realize it was a real place, much less an awesome place the created Freddie Mercury.

    • MLF said

      that song owns

    • tiffanized said

      OH. MY. GOD. I heard that song for the first time last night/this morning in a bar. I was pretty wasted, but it didn’t stop me from getting all indignant about it for some reason. The band had already pissed me off by doing a parody of Hotel California that left out the part with my name in it; maybe that’s why I got my panties in a wad. I missed the part about Zanzibar, though I undoubtedly would have yelled that Freddie Mercury was from there had I heard it.

  4. MLF said

    I need Kristen’s jacket. like imediately. Except obviously not her EXACT jacket. I would definitely want a larger size since I’m pretty sure my thigh is about the size of her waist.

  5. PWG said

    While contemplating how flipping awesome Freddie Mercury is just for naming the band Queen and then doing the Highlander soundtrack, I realized I never put it together that The Kurgan is Byron Hadley/dude on Lost. I love Clancy Brown, how did I not know this?

    • Fun fact: he did the voice overs for my previous employers’ commercials. He edged out John Cusack for the job.

      I’m full of boring information.

      • CamboD said

        That is wierd choice t be making though. Go with John Cusack. Or Freddie Mercury. Narrowed it down there.

  6. MLF said

    if I like all of the clothing Robstewstu wears, does that make me a hobo? or does it just mean I have bad taste? I almost bought a beanie a couple weeks ago, swear to God.

    and really, what the eff am I gonna do with a beanie? Use it as some kind of mutated beer couzie to try and keep my beer warm on these hard cold nights down in FL?

    no. just no.

    somebody call What Not to Wear, I need an intervention.

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