KSWI Guest Blogger Wednesday: Search Engine Edition

July 14, 2010

It has been awhile since I have mentioned the “search engine” or the “search engines” of the world. Even more importantly, I have not mentioned the people who use these engines of search and find their way, I would suppose, haphazardly through the curing of their search engine results. Regardless of my none mentioning, it is still happening everyday that people who have never heard of this website are finding it from some impossibly true search query that just so amazingly directs them to whatever this is. “Whatever this is“? Whatever THIS IS.

So, in all fairness to the people who do not particularly help shape this website and whatever IT IS – today’s post will about them. The regulars, the commenting staff, the avatar havers and the recognizable jazzy aliases – aliasi – all have made contributions to whatever THIS IS for good or for bad in their own ways and in doing so have for good or for bad been inexplicably tied to IT IS that makes THIS the IS that IT IS. And in that way, today is also your day, but it is in an indirect fashion.

Today is for the little people. Not of little stature, but of little log in time to these reoccurring words that this site provides. Nay we do not discriminate to the stature or even statues of the little – the littler people. Nay we do not do that. Why? Because I don’t want to be apart of any club that Shakira is not apart of. Shakira is tiny, almost minuscule. Action figure size. Fits in pockets. Travel ready. And I can think of other short people who are great outside of Shakira like Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan is pretty great. He’s really short. Like “I would be surprised if he ever rode a roller coaster” short. But he does his stand-up comedy and is a professional Mixed Martial Arts commentator for the UFC. Did you know he trains MMA too? He sounds pretty great. Oh! And News Radio! Remember that? That show was funny.


I guess what I’m getting at is that … FUCK! … Jason Schwartzman! He’s tiny. I’ve talked about him. He’s even better than Joe Rogan. He has great taste in projects. He can play an amusing side-character or play a worthwhile lead. Sammy Davis Jr. was short too. And Napoleon Bonaparte! He was short. Wow, I am on a roll naming short people who have actually added a lot to society as a whole. But I digress…

I was talking about the shortness in stay and not shortness in stature. I’m referring to the people who venture to this website for a brief wham-bam-thank-you-maam mind fuck and then retreat to regular reality. This day is for them. And for Shakira. Oh Shakira. I wish I could spend my days with you. I would carry you when you would get tired. I would clean the dust off your ceiling fan that you cannot reach. I would also constantly talk about how hot it is wherever we were together and how we should take off our clothes because it is so hot and these clothes are just weighing us down physically as well as mentally. Everyone knows the best way to get in touch with your Latin music roots is to be naked and to be have sex with your hired tall guy help who can reach for the refined sugar box that is behind the wine glasses on the top shelf of the kitchen.


Here is the list. These are the most searched terms of the past week. I believe they are because this is what WordPress tells me. But it could be LIES ALL LIES! I have also bolded some of my favorites.

gail simmons breasts
kristen stewart
kristen stewart wants it
gail simmons boobs
women over 60
kristen stewart into the wild bed
gail simmons cleavage
kristen stewart blonde
thomas jefferson tattoo
arnold schwarzenegger t shirts
oksana baiul
bill russell
kristen stewart blond
60 year old beautiful women
60 years old
kristen stewart’s purse
gail simmons tits


one dead dog lolcats
does taylor lautner cuss
julie bowen butt
dakota fanning pussy
taylor lautner crotch
chuck norris octagon plot summary
gail simmons bra size
excess cleavage
max weber sexless
kristen stewart blowjob
i am attractive only to 60 year old women
taylor lautner fake porn
sensual dicks
kristen stewart street style
padma lakshmi gail simmons big breasts
kesha pretty?
kristen stewart’s bruised leg
what do women over 50 want
kristen stewart wordpress
kristen stewart who wants to see her naked
60 year old ladies who like to fuck
into the wild kristen stewart in bed
kristen stewart no bra again
60 year old fuck
kristen stewart run hand through hair
kesha pretty
search naked 60 year old women
free kristen stewart porn

Seriously, the internet has spoken and besides Kristen Stewart “wanting IT”, they want Gail Simmons’ breasts. And I fully agree. The second most searched term that has lead people to this website is “gail simmons breasts”. If you type into google that phrase, my article is the first thing that pops up. And I like that, but at the same time that means there have been no breath through in this regard. No one has taken the ball and ran with it.



And I agree with these people. Enough of young Hollywood. I want some random cook on TV to be spilling out of her top in every episode of whatever TV show she is on. Top Chef, right? Either way! The ratings are there and waiting! If Gail started wearing what we all want her to wear and show off what she was seemingly comfortable enough to show off to warrant the few pictures we have of her cleavage then I can only assume by these quick estimates that Top Chef would have higher ratings than the Super Bowl.


50 Responses to “KSWI Guest Blogger Wednesday: Search Engine Edition”

  1. kt said

    I bet $10 that half of those “kristenstewartwantsit” and “kristenstewartwantsit.wordpress” searches are mine. My phone and google chrome hate me sometimes and do google searches instead of just going to the website I tell it to. Then I end up clicking through from google.

    I googled something the other day and KSWI was on the second page, but I dont remember what it was now. sad panda.

  2. kt said

    I laughed alot at the “kesha pretty?”one. As well as “sensual dicks”.

  3. PWG said

    My favorite was “max weber sexless.” Because WHO SEARCHES FOR THAT?! Oh God, I’ve had a DICKS moment, I’m sorry. It’s part of the most searched terms of the past week, but that column was a month ago. Someone is unhealthily interested in Max, or someone is figuring, “That term will never occur on any other web page ever, and it takes less time to type than kristenstewartwantsit so I’ll use it instead.”

  4. PWG said

    Coming in a close third after Gail are a bunch of searches about the over 60 set. I’m actually kind of disturbed by that, as well as the “dakota fanning pussy” one. She’s underage, people.

    I loved NewsRadio.

    • Amy D said

      I agree with the Dakota Fanning search, super creepy people.

      The over 60 searches I can understand, today’s 60 is not the 60 of my youth that is for sure. Also, I recently read a quota from Kendra that claimed Hef was a minute man. That has a way of wiping out all the other eewww….

  5. PWG said

    I also appreciate “kristen stewart no bra again.” It’s the “again” part that gets me. So world-weary. “I don’t want the first set of shots where Kristen appeared sans brassiere. I want the pictures of the next time she did it.” Or “Don’t judge me, Google search tool, I know it’s unhealthy. But I’m back. I *sob* want to see those KS bra-less pictures. Again.

    • MLF said

      thank god I am not famous or people would have lots of pictures of me sans bra as well.

      wait…that came out wrong*

      • PWG said

        If you become famous, rich and eccentric, you can hire someone to walk behind you while they reach around and support your breasts.

        “Hands a bit chilly today, aren’t they, Nigel? You’re fired. Lucretia, call the agency and have them send ’round a new walking bra.”

        Way, way more fun than wearing Kleenex boxes on your feet and never cutting your nails, or whatever. Rich people should hire me to help them be properly eccentric.

      • Oh wait. “Lucretia” and “Nigel” (who I think we all know is really Jordan) weren’t here when I made my last comment so I might need to revise my “favorite thing I’ve read all day”…

      • tiffanized said

        That was a running joke with me and my ex husband, that he’d like to spend all day just holding on to my breasts like that Janet Jackson Rolling Stone cover.

    • This is my favorite thing I’ve read all day. Or it’s at least neck and neck with my harassment training that told me I wasn’t allowed to kiss co-morkers on the mouth or hang a noose in my cubicle. Killjoys!

  6. Amy D said

    While I haven’t added much to society, I would like to put out* that I’m 5’1″…

    Also, the title of today’s post is a bit misleading as it seems that the guest blogger is none other than our regular word bitch. Was that too harsh?? I said it with love. Yes it was leaning a bit to S&M love, but love nevertheless.

  7. susanelle said

    So do the comments on a blog contribute to the search terms that the blog gets blamed for?

    Because, if so, I am going to up the dorkiness levels of this blog right here, right now:

    Mathematics, science, technology, applied mathematics, scientific principles, light amplification by stimulated emission radiation, adversative passive, nanomaterials, electron microscopy, crystal plasticity, dislocation plasticity, twinned lattices, dislocation-twin-stacking fault interactions, Hegelianism, determinism, teleological ethics


    • PWG said

      First, you’re going to have to move to the U.S. Then I’ll have to divorce my husband and we’ll have to move to a state that allows gay marriage. But after that, you’re all mine.

  8. MLF said

    Is it bad that I now really want to google image search Kristen Bra-less? I don’t know why but it never occured to me that a search like that would work…on the other hand maybe it doesn’t if it is leading people here, where I am not finding any braless pictures of her. Or at least if there are those type of pictures to be found here I’ve forgotten.

    never mind about why I want pictures of Kristen not wearing a bra. that part is non importante.

    • susanelle said

      But I think Kristen almost never has a brawron. I mean, I think the pictures of her clearly wearing a bra would be the rare ones. I’d bet $10 she free-boobs it 99% of the time.

      • MLF said

        yeah I try to freeboob it as often as possible….but my boobs are slightly larger than kristen’s so it’s harder to get away with. On the way to Maine I was only wearing a hoodie, sans bra and sans shirt, and when I was going through security the gaurd stopped me and told me I needed to take my sweater off. I said if I did, I was pretty sure he would have to arrest me for nudity.

        after I told him that I was kind of scared for a second that he was still going to make me take it off…he had that look in his eye. you know, the one that says “I am a creepy unfulfilled old person working as airport security and seeing your tits will be the highlight of my day/week/month/year/life. (you pick)

      • susanelle said

        ::gag:: That kind of makes me sick on your behalf. The terrorists have won if women have to submit themselves to that kind of leering innuendo because of “security.” For god’s sake, what kind of sweater was it? Was it so big that you could have been wearing a bomb-belt?

        No, it wasn’t, it’s the freaking July 2010 heatwave. BUT you’re a young, good-looking girl and he wanted to see more of you, or at least catch that spark in your eye when you told him you had nothing else on.


        I’m fuming now, I’ll have to go tranq gun myself.

      • MLF said

        it was a thin yet large super soft black zip up hoodie that says nuns with guns, praise the lord and pass the ammunition.

        so in other words the most awesome hoodie of all time.

      • susanelle said

        so in other words the most awesome hoodie of all time

        Aieee! Kristen wears that hoodie, amirite?
        ::fangirl stare::
        Milf, you’re going into my hero hall of fame.

      • MLF said


        I have no idea but if she does I may have to frame it and never wear it again.

        ok not really but it definitely makes me like it even more, as if that were possible

      • susanelle said

        She wears it all the time!


        You really didn’t know you and she are doppelgangering? Wow, that is so mystic.

      • MLF said

        GTFO! I’ve seen those pictures of her and Oregano a million times but I never recognized the hoodie…hers is much smaller and form fitting, like if you look at the sleeves they end above her wrists, and mine are really long…I ordered mine really big though…

        but it’s from the same place and the back is the same…

        WHOAH COOL!

  9. jumbledFartNOIZES said

    Today I read that you were interested in speaking with SHaKIRa a bunch about how hot it is whenever you’re with her.

    You know, this would be a great time to take a moment to recognize that it is also “Hot at the equator”

    One might suggest she would “Be on you like mercury” and she may be interested in “Touching your muscles”, but we all know the “(Temperature is) rising, rising.”

    Speaking of The Bad Standards, I was successful in digitizing that Drinking Drank or whatever song (the title isnt not not on the cassette, none of them are, but theres alot of lyrical bliss regarding that king jamarcus russel as well as drinking, drank, purple drank, and some interesting commentary from nobel royalty. How do I UPLOAD TRACKS FOR EVERYONE TO LISTEN TO?!!?? does kristen stewarts manager also commentater on this website or does she read it i think she would WANTS IT LOLLL

    • MLF said

      oh JFN, your comments never dissapoint.

      I may even have to try to listen to a Bad Standards song so I can know wtf you are talking about all the time.

    • kt said

      So I googled “The Bad Standards” and the 6th link is “the list of 50 women over 60 men should want to fuck”. If you google ‘”The Bad Standards” music’ it becomes the first link followed by “move over augustine;I have standards too”.

      Anyways, google cant help me and google knows everything. Who the fuck are The Bad Standards?

      • jumbledFartNOIZES said

        yo they r the hotness aite i dont know much bout them i just got a cassette after one of they shows!!!! they opened for poisin at pNC a few YEARS ago so theyre PROBABL AROUND A WHILE!!!!! but they shits good how do i put it on the website!!?!?!?

      • MLF said

        “yo they r the hotness aite”

        I think you forgot to comment as ODBlives or whatever your other avi is

      • PWG said

        If you say aite again I will register with every web site ever created solely so I can post comments on all of them about how The Bad Standards suck donkey ass.

    • ODBlivesButIsntLiving said

      YO QUIT BEIN SO JUDGMENTAL YA HEARD!!! haha just kiddin yo. thats wizzakkkkk

  10. PWG said

    Oh my fucking God. If I were an actual god, I would smite Kansas so hard. With lightning, a comet, whatever I could get my almighty hands on first.

    Report: Teens Using Digital Drugs to Get High.

    I’m sending the Kansas Board of Education folks a free lifetime subscription to the Skeptic magazine.

    • MLF said

      huh. “I saved a ton of money by switching to iDrugs”

      if only if only…

      I’m with you Pweeg….plus I watched that video and that girl isn’t even high. just very, very dumb. I’m sorry poor iDoser…that noise you heard? that was your eardrums popping..Kids these days with their ear buds turned up too high, sheesh.. also for that girl’s sake- I hope she never does really get high. I’m pretty sure I would kill her for annoying she would probably be

    • kt said

      that wins the award for “studpidest shit ive seen this week”.

      • campbelld said

        Man, I bet I could start a moral panic about that here. Hmmmm, a few concerned letters, some ‘startling’ video footage. I smell a fantastic hoax.

      • PWG said

        At first I thought it was a hoax. I thought it was a link to The Onion or Westboro Baptists. In fact I’m sure it started out that way, but man, Kansas schools and local news stations are really fucking that chicken. Making up shit was way more fun before Scientology.

    • PWG said

      I have to go plug in my lava lamp, put on Pink Floyd’s Animals and watch Altered States. I AM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW.

      • MLF said

        I’m not gonna lie. I totally tried it. It didn’t work on me. I’ve just spent the last hour watching reaction videos and …..my hopes for it working at all are not high. In theory…well I’m not very sciency so I have no idea if the “theory” is valid. the explanation sounds sciency and studies have shown that music can affect the brain but I don’t know if it’s enough to make you “high”

        also maybe it doesn’t work on me because I’m not as sensitive to it, since I get high for real? I listened to the gates of hades one and I don’t know what drug’s effects it is suposed to cause, but I should be susceptible to anything other than weed…hmm.

        I have put a lot of thought into this. I actually wish something like this worked. would save me a lot of money. *shrugs*

      • PWG said

        For inexpensive mind alteration, you can’t go wrong with sleep deprivation. Insomniacs and parents shouldn’t have to drive themselves anywhere.

  11. campbelld said

    I love the search terms function on WordPress. Minutes of fun. Actually, I was checking out my one on TNMW, and K-Stew is one of the top terms. Also, I have sent about 130 people to this site. I feel proud, that the number one link clicked on at my site is KSWI. Killer.

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