The ESPYs Have Celebrities And I Have Obscenities

July 15, 2010

Last night, I watched the ESPYs as many can deduce from the headline above. Although it is quite possible people cannot deduce that considering many don’t know what the ESPYs are. Well, the long and short of it is imagine the Oscars were for athletes. That is what the ESPYs are. ESPN’s on version of the Oscar, but instead of best “jail bait in a bikini or school girl outfit that doesn’t further the movie’s plot” or “best scene where the female character urinates and we’re apart of it for some unknown reason” which I believe are categories for this upcoming Oscars – there are instead categories like “best play” or “best upset”.

The ESPYs were stupid for awhile. But now they are pretty great. Good story. The first host I remembered taking ownership of this awards show like it was his bottom bitch was Jamie Foxxxxxxxxxxxx….xxxxxxxxxxx….xxxxxxx. Jamie hosted the ESPYs several years ago, during that world wind tour following Ray when I believe he became the President of Zaire for a month, delivered 15 babies, helped rebuild the aqueducts of Rome, went into Space!, kissed Sheri Sheppard and Whoopi Goldberg, and wrestled and, ultimately, lost to the Undertaker in a Casket Match. No one beats the Undertaker in Casket Matches. Anyway…

After that ESPYs, there have been several other hosts who have done quite well. Justin Timberlake or JT or “I hate that fucking guy and why is he funny nowadays!” as I like to call him, hosted it one year I believe. I think Shaun White hosted it. Maybe Tracy Morgan. Maybe I’m making this all up. I could be way off and the past 6 years of the ESPYs could have all been hosted by Richard Dean Anderson aka MacGyver and none of what I’ve been writing has any validity to it. As good of a host as MacGyver, JT, Tracy Morgan, Shaun White and former President of Zaire and Space Explorer Jamie Foxx were Seth Meyers was that much better last night.

Seth Meyers did a great job as well as his co-comedian pals in their bits. Steve Carell and Paul Rudd did a great spoof on the “Decision”, which was Lebron James’ hour long special on ESPN to let us know he was fucking the dreams of all the world outside of some Cuban drug lords and he was going to play for Miami. It was a funny show all around and one would have noted that by all the laughing one would have been doing if one were watching the show. Also, I would like to mention that Seth Meyers made a movie with John Cho several years ago called See This Movie. And you should take the movie’s advice and see it. It is funny. I like it a lot.

Enough words! Enough words without random celebrities in the celebratory get-ups!

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Lindsey Vonn looking stylish. She won an award for best female athlete I think. She won whatever award it was that drunk ass deliberately unfunny, undeliberately very funny Mark Wahlberg gave out. I’m pretty sure the award was for best female athlete and Wahlberg decides to slight women’s sports by saying guys don’t watch them. Nice. Smooth. Well done. When Vonn got on stage and accepted the award she raised her leg up high and stamped her stiletto heel through the top of Marky Mark’s head and wore his Boston idiot untalented head as a bloody and expensive ankle bracelet.

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Who is that? I’m having such a hard time figuring out who this is. I’m sure I would have a better understanding of who she is if she was naked. I just get this feeling that seeing her naked would jog some memories as opposed to what she looks like in a dress and heels. Oh wait, it IS Erin Andrews. I know that tape of her being naked which was taped illegally through a peep hole in her hotel room door was wrong in the sense of morally and against her rights of privacy. BUT she looked amazing naked. Like AMAZING NAKED. Something that wonderful, which will bring so much joy to the hearts of the people of the world should be shown. Why keep it a secret, Erin? That would be like having the cure for cancer or the plans for clean re-usable energy and not giving to the masses.

Take note sexy, beautiful women – you will do more good letting us all see it than you will holding it away and only showing it off to whatever Mr. Wrong’s you think would be a good boyfriend, but everyone else can clearly see is a douche.

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I’m hesitant to say Bode Miller is an athlete. I’m more inclined to say he is probably the best in the world and masking his high THC levels in his piss as being clean piss. That’s the most he has accomplished in my eyes. Also, screw you and your faux hawk. WHY WON’T THE FAUX HAWK GO AWAY!?!

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I’m not saying it would be easy, but I think I could fit all three of them in my pocket. That is singular. Pocket. It would take some Tetris style maneuvering, but I am confident in my abilities. Shaun White looks like he is an 80’s nightclub ginger prince. Danica Patrick has that hairstyle that some women go for where it looks like they just got done banging or had their face strapped to an oscillating fan. But isn’t that what sex is like anyway… nope. And Landon Donovan is a national treasure and don’t you EVER forget that.

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Fuck. She looked good. Ashley also blended in with the red carpet perfectly which made her covert assassination of Prime Minister of Calcutta that much easier. Go Ashley! Where was the rest of the Twilight cast?

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Boom. Here is Zac Efron in slow motion auditioning for the remake of every Tom Cruise movie from the 80’s.

I think it is about time I mention Kristen Stewart right now. Zac has had his time on this blog before. My new thought about Kristen Stewart is she should play a deaf person in a movie. At the very least she should play a person who is always communicating with a deaf person. Has this happened? Has she been deaf or communicated with deaf people via sign language in a movie? I haven’t seen all or even many of her movies, so I’m unsure. Either way, she should make another one and this time it could be good.

Specifically, I think Kristen would be good as a deaf character. One – her eyes. The want in her eyes and her eyes in general are tremendous. Deaf people want to communicate so badly, but they are frustrated by the hand signals and how they are forced to have another person who knows hand signals literally watch them. Two – Kristen can show that frustration. She is frustrated in a lot of her roles as is. Part of frustration is not getting what you want and we all know Kristen wants it all the time, so she is frustrated a lot naturally from not getting the “it” she wants. Third – Kristen is known to stutter or say somethings awkwardly. Perfect! Deaf people do as well. This is a match made in heaven.

I’m thinking Kristen is the deaf chick who has a less than stellar home life and there is a boy that likes her. Or a girl. I know a lot of everyone out there is digging the lesbo vibe that Kristen has thrown out in The Runaways. Either way, I could see this working. Imagine Bella, but less stupid and a lot more deaf. I think that works.

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I hate Andy Roddick. I hate him. I hate him! I just hate him. I don’t even need to see him or meet him to hate him. OH MY GOD! I HATE HIM! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH THIS PICTURE IS SO INFURIATING! FUCK!

I have a fear that if I met someone like Brooklyn Decker that I would lose all control over the fluid and muscles in my body. I would immediately lose control of bowels naturally, but my knees and arms would go slack and I’d fall to the floor like a marionette having its strings cut. Also, I think all spinal cord fluid and so forth would just leak out of my pores. It would be like I was zapped by a laser from the future that turns humans back into amorphous amoeba blobs.

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Hey, I’m Andy Samberg and I must be really funny backstage because I’m not that funny on stage. Hey, I’m Danica Patrick and I just got done banging Andy Samberg. Why did I bang you, Andy? You’ve done some funny things, but not a lot of funny things and you are usually really annoying and you look like you would be really annoying. Well, Danica. I am actually a scientist. And I invented a “product” of sorts that makes women sleep with me basically. Remember I was with Natalie Portman. I do remember that. Your octopus bit wasn’t funny. Nope it wasn’t. But I still banged you and Natalie Portman. True ‘dat.

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SOMEONE MAKE THIS A TELEVISION SHOW OR MOVIE OR SOMETHING! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE! IT WOULD BE THE GREATEST WHATEVER IT IS EVER! CHRIS JOHNSON AND CRAIG ROBINSON! Craig Robinson is so funny he could make Andy Samberg look funny. And Chris Johnson is the best running back and that is enough for me. MAKE THIS A TV SHOW NOW!

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Here is Stephen Baldwin with his daughter, Anna Kournikova circa 1999. Am I the only one who thinks she looks like Anna? Generally speaking, I think Stephen Baldwin is a douche bag who makes a mockery of religion. Many people make a mockery of religion – true and Baldwin is one of them. I believe God’s punishment is having him have a hot young daughter to deal with and the many male suitors she will have over the rest of her life. Seems fitting.

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Hot. Very hot. I wish she wasn’t on that dumbass Entourage. Actually, who cares. She’s hot, but it is not like I’m dying to see her ruin any of the TV shows I actually watch. Hmmmm… she’s hot. Did I mention that? Like beautiful and exotic. And sexy. I hate that TV show.

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Niecy Nash looking good. Real good. Is she on a TV show nowadays? I’m not sure what she is up to, but looking good Ms. Nash. Seriously, Reno 911 is over, right? I love that show. Are there new episodes?

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My man from Amsterdam, Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel L. Jackson is sporting a suit made entirely out of recycled paper, which is nice. Samuel L. Jackson was replaced at the ESPYs with a full sized wax statue and dressed in doll’s clothes. Samuel L. Jackson has taken a break between movies about snakes on planes to become a fashion designer and has begun knitting all of his own clothes including suits and ties.

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Jennie Finch. Wow. Just for everyone’s information – she is an athlete. She is a softball pitcher and not a model. Although she is as hot as a model, she actually does something else like play sports at an insanely high level.

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Why not? Why not Arsenio Hall? Why not Arsenio Hall wearing a “Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn” hat on? Why not? Why not wear a baseball cap of a TV show that has not been on the air for at least 5 years? Why not?

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This is what the New York Knicks got instead of Lebron James. This is what 2 horrible seasons under D’Antoni has landed us. They told us fans that we would sit out 2 seasons in the NBA, sell off all of the players, free up a ton of money and it was all in an effort to sign Lebron James and a couple other guys. Instead, we get Amar’e and his goofy ass. Nothing against half blind and goofy Amar’e, but it was not what we were hoping for.

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You’re fucking right, I’m Alan Thicke. I flew in from my private island in the bay of the Bahamas to be here tonight. My private island is called Little Canada because I am Canadian. And fuck you if you don’t respect it. I’m drunk on scotch.

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I don’t think Marissa Miller is real. Have you ever seen that movie S1m0ne. Al Pacino creates an actress with CGI and fools the world into thinking she is a real person when in fact it is just him tooling around with computers and mimicking everything he is doing. Well, I think Marissa Miller is a hologram – a very very hot hologram. Or she is an alien. She could also be an alien life form from an alien species that looks a lot like human beings except for the fact they have no concept of limits to being hot. Marissa Miller has exceeded the limits of human hotness and we may or may not need to arrest her for her hotness.

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I don’t know who this guy is, but I respect the red beard.

Also:

Do people want to Guest Blog? It isn’t a difficult process. Email me at jordankswi@gmail.com and we’ll converse.

Also also:

Questions or comments for Friday? Or riddles? Or thoughts about Friday? Or something? Or pictures you want me to use? Or a hug? Or a whisper of encouragement? Or a cool Gatorade? Or a sandwich? Or a love letter? Or a poem? Or a hello from an old friend? Or a tip of a cap?  Or a rustling of feathers? Or a jaunty step? Or … stop. end. now.

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21 Responses to “The ESPYs Have Celebrities And I Have Obscenities”

  1. tiffanized said

    This explains a LOT. I was at a bar around midnight [what? It was dollar taco night.] and saw Janelle Monáe performing Tightrope and got really excited until they cut her short and Shaun White came out looking like a smooth chested and red headed Aldous Snow. He presented with an absurdly tall woman that must have been an athlete, which explains why White came up to her belly button. At the time though, I was thinking that Shaun White was a normal sized person, so this woman was an Amazon. Later I thought I had a taco induced dream about an awards ceremony involving a giant blonde, Shaun White and Janelle Monáe. It’s nice to know that I’m still sane(ish). Because that’s why I come here: to feel sane.

    Niecy Nash is on one of those shows where they go into people’s houses and tell them how dirty and lazy they are then sell all their shit on the street to buy them new furniture. I love those shows. One of my life dreams is for Niecy Nash to show up at my house and make me cry about having too many books then sell my childhood mementos in a yard sale so I can afford new carpet.

    I won’t be morking tomorrow so I have no questions since I won’t be here to see them answered. That’s right, I only read KSWI when I’m at mork.

  2. kt said

    That last guy is on that show Brothers and Sisters where Sally Field is his mom. I don’t know his name but I wanna say his name was Justin on that show. I don’t even know if its on anymore, I only watched the first season or two.

    I thought Ashley Greene only looked good there, amazing like she sometimes can look. Niecy Nash looked better.

  3. MLF said

    “I know that tape of her being naked which was taped illegally through a peep hole in her hotel room door was wrong in the sense of morally and against her rights of privacy. BUT she looked amazing naked. Like AMAZING NAKED. Something that wonderful, which will bring so much joy to the hearts of the people of the world should be shown. Why keep it a secret, Erin? That would be like having the cure for cancer or the plans for clean re-usable energy and not giving to the masses.

    Take note sexy, beautiful women – you will do more good letting us all see it than you will holding it away and only showing it off to whatever Mr. Wrong’s you think would be a good boyfriend, but everyone else can clearly see is a douche.”

    Was it just me or is that wildly offensive to anyone else? I’ve heard of that girl maybe twice before but above words make me want to simultaneously hug her and slap you.

    It’s gonna be one of those days again.

    • tiffanized said

      Yes, wildly offensive. I deliberately didn’t respond to it. Because Jordan doesn’t strike me as being a raging misogynist I was letting that one go.

      • MLF said

        good.(well not good, but..) I was afraid I had just ingested bitch flakes for breakfast or something similiar but now that I know I wasn’t alone I’ll continue standing strong in my wildly offended stance.

    • kt said

      yeah i chose to gloss over it too.

    • Lala said

      I thought it was offensive but decided to ignore it.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        Is wanting to see women naked offensive? Making light of the illegal videotaping offensive? Or the douchebag boyfriend line offensive?

        Just want to clarify.

      • tiffanized said

        Personally I had a problem with implying Erin Andrews is wrong to not want people to see her naked, particularly since without her knowledge or consent people have seen and will continue to see her naked. Everywhere she goes she knows that a certain number of the people she meets–for work, on vacation, men she may want to date–may have seen her naked in those videos and therefore been implicit in the violation of her privacy. She is reviolated every day of her life.

        I mean, it’s not the first time I’m offended here and it’s not going to be the last time and I’m still right here and holding nothing against anyone. I wasn’t going to say anything because this isn’t some progressive blog where we sit around and discuss the best ways to be all-inclusive and politically correct, it’s a goddamn entertainment and comedy blog and if I get offended, I have to decide how important it is to me. I only piped up because I don’t want MLF to think she was the only one who had a problem with it.

      • MLF said

        I agree and Tiff is right. This is a comedy blog and I am aware of that. Normally I don’t get offended very easily (I’m normally the one being offensive, usually) but for some reason that just really got to me. I think it’s because I imagine the situation from her and her parent’s perspectives and I just really can’t find anything funny about it. I just find it disgusting and sad.

        and sure I could keep those feelings to myself (and probably should) but whatevs. It’s aggressive thursday after all and I personally am feeling the aggression. Like I said, it’s just one of those days.

        BUT- you know what they say- know your readers. and I would imagine on a blog with readership almost entirely consisting of women (and campbell!) (and the mysterious gendered JFN/ODBLBIL) you had to have known something like that probably wouldn’t go over well.

        endrant/

    • PWG said

      I, um, apologize to you three for not having been offended. I knew my lack of offendability would come back one day and bite me in the ass, damn it.

      I think it’s job-related horndog fatigue. I just had to clear the mail filters at work of an e-mail titled, “It’s Send Your Buddy Some Tits Day!” complete with nude pictures of 20 ladies’ breasts. Try not to be jealous of my job. (Not you, Jordan, you be jealous all you want.)

      I do understand the difference between a stalker filming a woman via a hidden camera & total strangers enjoying the fruits of his pervy labor ever after, and 20 young women who all looked like willing participants. I don’t know, the breasts and voyeurism all run together after a while.

  4. susanelle said

    So my question is based on Twitter-feed stuff. What’s wrong with rollerblades? Is it uncool to rollerblade, like, laughably uncool?

  5. I like your perception of Alan Thicke. It’s like he’s flirting with becoming a Mel Gibson, but the fact that he’s Canadian keeps him from crossing fully over into that belligerent territory. Also, you really don’t see too many white dudes in white suits. Ballsy.

    I don’t know who Marisa Miller is, nor whether she’s real or not, but I want her shoes.

  6. Amy D said

    When is last call in your neck of the woods?

    Our Seattle Mayor is tinkering with the idea of having staggered last calls for the “hot spots” of trouble. He feels that with last call at 1:30 everyone downs as much as they can before being tossed into the streets at the same time.

  7. campbelld said

    I would make so much trouble for Steven Baldwin on account of his daughter, it’s not even funny. No one would be laughing when I kidnap her, flee to some island in the Carribean and repeatedly call with ransom demands, while yelling where’s your god now? Meanwhile, Little Lady Baldwin and I would be falling in love.

  8. Folks, do not believe in this bullshit.

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