Paul Reubens Should Have Been On The Buffy TV Show

July 19, 2010

It’s Monday all over again. No matter how much I try over the weekend to prevent Monday from occurring it still happens. Back to the grind. Back to the rat maze, right? Back to watching more episodes of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer on Netflix. Ahhhh, yes. That is what I’ve decided to do recently – re-watch Buffy on Netflix’s Watch Instantly feature. And I have some questions and some other questions that are more comment like than question like and will appear as simply comments.

But first…

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Charisma Carpenter is 40! FORTY! Well, she is 39 until Friday. In the grand scheme of things she is 40. This is The Price is Right rules. After 39 years and 361 days of life, we’ll just say that is 40. But forty? FORTY! She’s forty!?! Isn’t that insane? Reason being that is insane is that she was in high school 13 years ago. Fictional high school, sure. But high school nonetheless. Oh, by the way, she is still gorgeous. And still working, apparently she is in The Expendables next month.

This may be a bit premature by 20 years, but I would bet money, real money, that Charisma Carpenter will have a featured spot on the “50 over 60” list the 2030 edition. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1NcdWbfYdA

Ok, I wanted to mention that Charisma is 40 – done. She was insanely hot on Buffy and she is still a very attractive female – done. And now onto the random thoughts I have on the first season of Buffy and some of the second season.

Xander and Willow – Probably the most unexplainable storyline on this television show is Xander not hooking up with Willow. I know eventually Willow becomes a lesbian in later seasons, which RULED. But before then, actually much before then what the hell was Xander doing?

Buffy shows up to their High School and Xander falls in love with her, sure I get it. But before then. What happened before then!?! They are childhood friends, right? They seem to be each other’s only friends actually. They spend all day together, always. So, everyday of Xander’s life he wakes up as this unathletic, mildly intelligent, pretty witty and not at all popular guy and when he leaves his house he has only one connection in life and it turns out to be a really really cute redhead who has a crush on him? What am I missing that the two of them weren’t the greatest “friends with benefits” case ever?

And… Willow wanted IT! For Christ’s sake man, she wants IT! Willow wanted it so badly she dates a werewolf and Seth Green! I’m not sure which one is worse or better. I mean a werewolf is hairy, has claws, super powers, and mating with it is against the law. But Seth Green? Anytime, I look at Seth Green (which admittedly is not often), I picture him as Kenny from Can’t Hardly Wait. Given the opportunity, I would hope most would choose a werewolf and the legal fines over Kenny. Besides the Seth Green/werewolf stuff, she also wanted IT so badly she becomes a lesbian as previously mentioned. Also, I’m not sure if one can say in all certainty that all of her pent up sexual frustration didn’t also lead her to becoming a witch as well.

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Also, Willow gets hotter as the seasons go on. Xander is a fuck up. Eventually, he gets Emma Caulfield, which is amazing and all, but for years, YEARS, he could have been with Willow. What are they supposed to be 16? Generally speaking puberty strikes like at 12 and for 4 years let’s say he has raging hormones and sitting next to him is an incredibly attractive Willow wanting IT and and and and nothing?

Angel sucks at fighting – I had not watched the first season or second season of Buffy in years. I completely forgot what a glorified messenger boy Angel is in the first season. Even in the second season he doesn’t get much better. I know later Angel becomes a wrecking crew, but what the hell? He’s been alive for 200 years or so and he can’t fight? He even has vampire powers and is barely surviving. Even better is that he had made a hobby of vampire hunting for a hundred years or so by the time we meet him. Who were these lame ass vampires he was hunting?

Also, what is Angel up to in his spare time? Clearly, it is not training to be a vampire hunter. He only pops up every once and awhile to be the vampire weekly telegram for Buffy. But between those moments, maybe he could take a taekwondo class or at least attend a “Take Back the Night” meeting – I’m sure they teach women how to mercilessly kick guy attackers in the balls at those, if they don’t they should.

Doesn’t anyone work at this cemetery – Almost every night of her lovely blonde young Buffy life, she spends it killing vampires at the local cemetery. Seemingly, Angel is doing that as well. Every night, a blonde in a short skirt and a brunette in a leather jacket are fist fighting vampires at this graveyard … EVERY NIGHT or even MOST NIGHTS. Are we saying there is not a single security guard or night watchmen for this graveyard who hasn’t noticed this once? ONCE!?! On top of that, the vampires they are fighting are rising from their own graves. No one is noticing that the next morning?

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I get that when one kills a vampire they turn to ash. Not much evidence there I guess. Ash seeps into the grass or gets taken in the wind or something. But open graves? There isn’t an undertaker or groundskeeper who thinks it might be odd that he keeps seeing open graves with no bodies in them almost every morning?

The “Anointed One” – This one is quick: is the reason they don’t kill the “Anointed One” at the end of the first season because he looks like a little kid? I’m guessing so. Vampire or not, it is pretty messed up to stake a kid looking vampire. The vampires should have picked up on this and started a vampire army of kids. It would have saved them all a bunch of headaches if they had swallowed whatever morals they needed to swallow and taken the kid out.

The Bronze – If you do not remember, the name of the club the high school kids all hang out at when they are not vampire hunting is The Bronze. This place is seemingly open 7 days a week with live music each one of those nights as well and it is open to high school kids? This is the greatest place ever. I can’t imagine it cost too much money to go to either, considering they are always there. These kids are the most spoiled kids ever. I would’ve killed in high school to have a club that looked like a cool bar to hang out at that had a revolving door of live music acts, that was cheap, had food, had people I knew et cetera. Actually, I would kill for that now.

Everyone goes to The Bronze. Everyone! Cool kids go there and non-cool kids go there. And in that world how uncool could the non-cool kids possibly be? They’re up to the exact same thing the cool kids are up to every night. Imagine if they transferred to a regular school? Oh, what did you used to do at your old school in Cali? Well, I went to local concerts every night with almost my entire high school class. And you? What do you guys do? Uhhh, we watch MST3K and pay a homeless guy to buy us two sixers of Zima?

And if you were uncool at this fictional Buffy high school, it would seriously have to be your fault. Like I said, you could hang out with the cool kids because everyone is at The Bronze. You know where they are; you can observe them. It is exactly like W.E.B. Du Bois’ The Philadelphia Negro. Rich living next to poor and with that the poor learn from the rich and raise themselves out of their poor-dom.

Lastly…

My question is to you all…

Angel, Giles or Spike? – I think we all know what I’m talking about. No need to get crude. No need for crass language. So, seriously, which one do you think more girls imagined taking them to “Pound Town”? I’m just curious. I think it is a lot closer race than some would believe.

Superficially, Mr. Boreanaz is the most attractive. He also has the muscles and the vampire thing and the leather jacket. Spike also has a lot of that going for him and he has the added Eminem peroxide blonde hair and the British accent. But I would like to put my money on Giles. Why? I have a hard time not rooting for the underdog. Also, it would be brilliant to have seen a series of posters with Giles in these boy toy poses, but still dressed as a librarian at my local Sam Goody when I was in high school instead of the Spike and Angel ones. Just imagine, his sweater vest ripped at the neck down to his chest, stacks of books lay asunder waiting for women of all ages to be defiled on top of. Also, Giles kind of has a “if Frankenstein was the bassist in The Smiths” kind of look going for him, especially as the series goes on.

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Got to love Spike though – he did kill the “Anointed One” as mentioned before. Thank God for that. I really don’t know how many more episodes I could take pretending that brat was the main bad guy.

Anyway… “Pound Town”?

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15 Responses to “Paul Reubens Should Have Been On The Buffy TV Show”

  1. MLF said

    YES! Now this is a post I can get behind(*?). Buffy rocks.

    you should have given us a KFM instead of just pound town. pound town is too easy: all three. KFM- that’s a little bit harder. Kill Spike, Fuck Angel, oops is that crass? ok- pound town Angel, and marry Giles. Giles is perfection. he’s just kinda old. for me anyways.

    I did like Spike in the earlier seasons but then when him and buffy hooked up…meh. I dunno. I could never get behind it.

  2. Lala said

    Angel of course! I never liked Spike and I always saw Giles as the old dude who hung out with the students.

  3. kt said

    I’ve never watched one episode of Buffy. I do however love Can’t Hardly Wait. I have it on VHS from when it came out when I was in 6th? 7th? grade. Who knew Mike Dexter would still be a little obsession of mine when I grew up.

  4. I didn’t know straight dudes watched Buffy. I never got into it, personally. But I’ll answer your Angel, Giles or Spike question anyway: Xander. I know nothing about him other than what you said up there. He sounds like my kind of people. And a quick google image search tells me he was pretty cute.

    Maybe the vampires didn’t create an army of kids because it broke some kind of vampire law………

    I took a self defense class once in college for extra credit. I’m not sure they “teach” you to kick guys in the balls – I think that’s a given. I would like to see Angel grab-twist-and-pull-ing vampire balls, though.

    • PWG said

      Monkey stealing the peach, is what that’s called. Google image search it.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      “I didn’t know straight dudes watched Buffy.”

      Well thank you for that. I started watching “Buffy” so I would have something to talk about to a girl in my art class way back in 9th grade. In the end, nothing happened with the girl sadly, but I continued watching the show. Oddly enough, that is the same reason I watched “Twilight” and now there is this site and I doubt I’ll ever see that girl again in my life.

      VAMPIRES!!!!

  5. brandy said

    do. marry. kill.
    spike. giles. angel.

    with a special mention to wesley who might take the marry spot from giles.

    also, props on the W.E.B. Du Bois aside.

  6. PWG said

    Okay, I’ll take Giles off your hands. He’s more age-appropriate for me, as if that’s ever been a consideration. Also, I’m at my kick ass Mexican resort at the pool, feet from the ocean I won’t be swimming in because of Jaws, drinking 2 for 1 michilados, whatever the helll those are. Delicious, is what they are. Plus I have a wifi signal. Es muy bueno.

  7. AmyAlmost said

    Giles. Totally Giles.

  8. amanda said

    omg. thank you for doing this post.
    buffy is my one and only show. i used to watch it with my brother when i was little and and now am re-watching every season. im on season 5. magical.

    i would bang wesley. hes a babe.
    hes got the angel good looks, the giles aged wisdom, and spikes accent.

    as for people not noticing about the “plundered” graves… this makes absolutely no sense in the first 2 seasons. but as the seasons go on, sunnydale reveals that they do in fact notice all these strange things happening in their town, but they just accept it as a part of life. Or in other words, they just dont give a fuck. Well, as long as their not being eaten alive by blood sucking demons.

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