What’s The Story Morning Glory?

July 20, 2010

It’s another day. Another “Tues” day to be exact. Every Tuesday I wake up and zombie-walk to the bathroom and catch my first glimpse of myself in my bathroom vanity. To be perfectly honest, I do this on Mondays as well. Surprisingly enough, Wednesdays too. I won’t lie, I’m sure there have been a fair amount of Thursdays and Fridays where I have looked into my bathroom vanity and wondered about life, in particular my life and, in more particular, why my hair looks like a mad scientist’s when I wake up every morning. EVERY MORNING! Never once have I awoke to my hair parted on the side or… I’m getting ahead of myself. The bathroom vanity


Good morning, Jordan. Or more appropriate for this website – Good morning, Kay-swidge-Jizzle. This looks nothing like my bathroom. Also, in no way is my bathroom big enough to get a nice crystal clear picture like this with my iphone. This is from bathroom vanity website that I keep posting the link to. It’s very nice, but looks like I’m washing my hands in front of my television, which really doesn’t seem like that bad of a deal. I sometimes wish I could read books on my TV. I’m sure I can, but I think that actually accomplishing this task of reading a book off my TV might be the lowest nerdiest moment of my life and I’m fine not living through it.


This one looks more expensive than my entire apartment. And by that, I mean the apartment plus everything in it including myself. If a bathroom vanity could actually be royalty then this would be it. This is Princess Miroir et Eau. I’m sure this would impress the hell out of anyone (girls? gay men?) who came to my apartment and saw this in my bathroom. At the same time, if there was a caste system in place in my apartment this vanity would outrank me. I would serve it grapes and fan it with palm fronds.


Oddly enough, I think I have actually seen this in life. IT EXISTS! And I’ve used it. It worked. It was wonderful how the water came out of the faucet and the mirror reflected my face perfectly. That pink flower wasn’t there. Nor the drapes. The toilet was on the other side. I don’t remember the chair. I’m beginning to question if this is the same one I used. Wait a second… there are two of these! What if there are more?


Waking up to this every morning would be fun. It would be like the door frame of my bathroom was a time traveling device. A time traveling device that only transported me to a hospital bathroom from World War II Europe. Or the movie Atonement. I would rather be in actual World War II than in the movie Atonement. Everything works out pretty bad for everyone involved in that movie.


I wouldn’t be able to have this vanity in my house. Main reason: I wouldn’t stop looking for Narnia beyond the mirror. IT HAS TO BE THERE. I just need to figure out where the secret switch or button is that controls it. I’m sure it will teleport me to a mystical place if I just spend enough time… ok I’ve been in the bathroom for the past two hours and it wasn’t for the reason when I was 14. Am I right?


This looks like it would be in a hallway. Oh mirror, you are so bland. Do you know what I really would like to see in that mirror every morning and every afternoon and every day?


Kristen Bell. Yes, that is exactly what I would like to see. Hmmm… I don’t mean that I want her trapped in the mirror. What would be the point in that? Hmmm… I also don’t mean I want to look in a mirror and see Kristen Bell staring back at me as if my reflection was Kristen Bell’s or that I had now become Kristen Bell. What I truly meant was that I would like to wake up and see Kristen Bell in my bathroom looking at herself in the mirror and I’m off to the side and not involved in what is being reflected in the mirror. Right?

She can leave the bathroom too. I didn’t mean she should be trapped in the bathroom like some ghost who haunts my bathroom. Although if that ghost was Kristen Bell it would be less like haunting and more like “making this the most prettiest bathroom ever”. How about this? What I was really getting at is it would be great if Kristen Bell was my common law wife and from time to time I see her in the bathroom looking at herself in the mirror and that would be cool.

Two people in one bathroom using one vanity? That’s crazy!


If I took two school desks and added plumbing and a mirror. That’s a pretty good idea actually. I’m sure that I could sell that idea to some Brooklyn-ites for a lot of money. Hipsters: they’ll buy anything… anything that isn’t sensible. School desk vanities!?! My fortune awaits me.


That is a substantial vanity. That is a sturdy set. I could put wheels on this and drive it like a car I bet. I bet I couldn’t actually. I’m sure I would have to add a lot more than wheels. Probably a motor, some type of steering wheel attached to a driving system of sorts. Anyway, it looks pretty classy. Classy like myself and my bathroom partner would speak in British accents while washing our hands in our separate sinks.

I wonder how I would look with this bathroom set.


Ahhh, very nice. Stoic. Why yes, I do need a bit of the bubbly soap. It appears that I have run out. After we finish washing our los manos, maybe we should play a match or two of croquet followed by a spot of tea and crumpets. Oh no, let’s not do that on second thought. I have an even better light bulb (I’m guessing British people say light bulb instead of “idea” – they’re British?)! How about we make another period piece movie entirely comprised of a cast of English actors, but in the movie they won’t play English people they’ll play people from some random country that is nothing like modern day England, but they’ll speak in their English accents as if there isn’t anything different going on like English people from today were inhabiting that area of the world during whatever time period from the past the movie is about? Splendid idea! We could call it Centurion! Or Valkyrie! Or …

I’m lonely in this vanity. What about someone else? What about another blonde to share this bathroom-


AHHHHHHH!!!!! Kill it with fire! Oh, whew. It’s Lindsay Lohan. Ugh. Hmmm… shouldn’t you be in jail? Oh wait, you are in jail. But we’re looking into mirrors right next to each other. Am I in jail? What did I do!?! Oh wait, this is just me hallucinating that the post I’m typing is real. Sigh, happens regularly. If I am in control of this daydream all Inception like then…


The good Lindsay Lohan. The one before all her shenanigans. She was the Lindsay that made Mean Girls and was struggling to make a second movie that was worthwhile, but was still working. And hadn’t dyed her hair yet. Sadly, there is no way to achieve this Lindsay again. Too much has happened. The drugs, the drinking, Prairie Home Companion. I don’t know which one is worse! I need a clean slate.


Much better. It looks like these vanities are holding hands. Awwww. Also that creeps me out. Why would vanities have hands? Just hands? Or do we consider their “legs” as actual legs? One arm outstretched to the other and four short stubby legs with a neck that shoots water into its chest and blank face that stares into your soul revealing all your physical flaws! Oh God! Wake me from this nightmare!


There it is. Dream come true, right Kristen Stewart? Forget about the stuff I said about Kristen Bell earlier… that is… unless… you… ‘re… into that type of… Nevermind. I won’t push my luck.

Kristen Stewart wants IT.

bathroom vanity!!!!


31 Responses to “What’s The Story Morning Glory?”

  1. kt said

    on twitter you said it would make sense… i dont get it.

  2. susanelle said

    It looks like these vanities are holding hands. Awwww.

    1. LOL

    2. You want it pretty bad, too.

  3. I really enjoyed this and I have no idea why. But if you make a list of “50 Vanities Men Should Want to F@#K”, I’m calling Trenton Psychiatric.

    Part of me wonders if this isn’t some weird attempt at SEO… Or if you’re just trying to see what we’ll still comment on.

  4. PWG said

    Personally I loved this post. Possibly it’s the michiladas cubanas talking. What?! It’s after noon somewhere.

  5. JumbledFartNOIZES said

    From what I’ve read in the Bad Standards official Autobiography they bring their entire bathroom (not just the vanity, or vanities, because there is 6) with them when they tour. Apparently!!!!!! they load it in a truck (LOLOL!!!) and the crew hires a hot maid to keep it tidey just the WAY THEY LIKE IT and they use it sometimes before and usually after the show and sometimes LATE LOLOLOL cuz they know how to PARTY they sometimes party with ANDREW w.K he’s the Prince of party and the bad standards –THE KINGS like jamarcus russell he is going to be aquitted because jonny cockring is going to reppz him lOL just kidding he’s a bayou boy

  6. Lala said

    So now we are talking about vanities… well, ok.
    Are they paying you for posting their link like 17 times today?

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Brazil, what do you want me to write about?

      • MLF said

        ok so I’m not from Brazil, but honestly, I want you to write a post that includes puppies, unicorns, and cupcakes.

        my favorite things. that aren’t illegal or innapropriate 🙂

        oh and glitter. and kristen stewart. and macaroni and cheese.

        ok now the list is complete.

      • MLF said

        and I totally did that smiley face on purpose. I am going rogue with my smiley faces! watchout!


        FRACK I forgot poi balls. I love mine an innapropriate amount.

      • Lala said

        I don’t know… I like the completely random topics you choose.

      • Lala said

        Or you could listen to MLF and write about cupcakes, unicorns and puppies.

  7. Freya said

    I now want school desk vanities. I’m already on the hunt for a blackboard for my dining room. Damn you for finding my weakness. And I’m not even a hipster!

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Rulers carved into utensils! Pencil sharpeners for cheese graters! Half moon compasses for pizza cutters!

      Ok, I was stretching on the last one. Do kids today even know what a compass is?

      • MLF said

        I know what a compass is, and I think I’m the youngest right after amanda. although amanda is several years younger…like six. somebody should ask her. AMANDAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        I know that when I think back about my own schooling that a lot of it was A. wrong and, currently, is B. obsolete.

        I have a feeling that the graduates of high school in 2020 will have heard of pencils, but never actually used one. Or if they have it will have been in an ironic sense.

      • Lala said

        I think I am one of the youngest here and I know what a compass is.

      • Am I losing my mind? What the hell is a “half moon compass”? Do you mean a protractor? Why is it that I’m the one who feels crazy on a post anthropomorphizing bathroom vanities? WHY SO MANY QUESTIONS?

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        I may have meant “protractor” which is commonly referred in the science community (me and my unemployed couch) as a “half moon compass”. So sure “protractor”.

        I was trying to think of something for a compass and then I started thinking of compasses in general and that’s when I thought about the “protractor”, which also did the circle/degree stuff and I hadn’t seen one or thought of one in so long that it did not occur to me it wasn’t a compass.

      • Freya said

        I had a traumatic experience with a compass as a child. Another child stabbed me in the arm with one. I still bear the scar. Thanks for the flashbacks.

      • Ok. I was just confused because everyone was on board with this “half moon compass” idea and I thought I was the only one not on board. Bees? It took me about 20 minutes to finally come up with the word protractor. But the important thing is that I did and I’m better than all of you because of it.

        Now apologize to Frey Frey for the PTSD episode.

      • campbelld said

        I knew you meant protractor. That thing that looks like a half moon. Also, this whole ‘school themed things’ is brillant We should totally make them and get Etsying it up. Who is, or is directly related to teachers here and has a steady source of supply? Who can design stuff? Who can build stuff?
        Also…Wait? How young are you guys? I’m the big two-one.

      • MLF said

        I am also two-one. not “the big two one.” it’s already just old news.

      • campbelld said

        The eponymous ‘big’ was fairly ironic. Yanks tend to put store by that age.

      • Lala said

        As soon as Jordan said half moon compass a protractor came to mind. I thought calling it a “half moon compass” was better than “that half circle thingy that I don’t remember how to use.”
        Also I’m nineteen.

      • Whippersnappers…

        Also, I’m not entirely sure I ever knew how to properly use a protractor. It’s primary purpose in my life was for doodling. I basically used it as a makeshift ghetto Spirograph set.

  8. campbelld said

    Thank you, very very much Jordaniski. I have been having a wholly shitty day applying for jobs that I don’t want and being even more pissed off when I don’t get the job that I didn’t want in the first place, but need, then I’m annoyed and angry and sad about being stuck between two choices that both kinda suck and still winding up with the worst one.
    But then I came home and read about Bathroom Vanities and it made me smile and laugh and now I feel a bit better.
    Cheers Jordan. You’ve keep my eventual snapping and murder spree at bay for at least a few more days. That’s a good thing.

  9. bathroom vanities that are made of wood looks elegant and stylish`~.

  10. bathroom vanities need not be expensive, there are many bathroom vanities that can be bought at a bargain price *;-

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