KSWI Guest Blogger Wednesday: Freya Edition

July 21, 2010

Editor’s note: Thank you to Freya for writing this week’s guest blog. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I would like to extend an invitation to the rest of the KSWI faithful, to the KSWI unfaithful, to the KSWI faithless and, of course, to American literary darling Tom Wolfe to write a guest post. I would like to remind everyone that it is free to write a guest post, but the glory is everlasting. Please email me at jordankswi@gmail.com about guest posting or about how much this website fills the hole in your heart that staring into the lifeless face of a computer monitor for years has created.

I think we’re all fully versed in the power of Kristen Stewart’s WANT by now, after all this time.  But there’s a special kind of fan, the superfan of Kristen Stewart, the ones that have been sucked powerfully into the vortex of Kristen’s want and have been forever changed…into Krisbians.

Krisbians are those who would go lesbian for Kristen Stewart.  Some of my best friends are Krisbians, and I love them, but I don’t understand why they would want to have sex with Kristen Stewart.  Wouldn’t that kill you?  Look at that want.  You’d be foolish to try to even get close to that want without risking a limb.  (Of course, they claim they would just go “fake lesbian” for her—they’re teases who don’t go all the way.)  Plus, I don’t actually understand the attraction to Kristen Stewart.  Yes, part of the reason is that I’m straight and don’t fancy women at all, but even if I DID fancy women, I wouldn’t be a Krisbian.  She’s not my girl-type.  I decided to make a list of women who have the inexplicable power of the want, but who wouldn’t actually destroy your soul.

I was all prepared to talk about it, but I quickly ran into a problem: I could only think of two.  (See #4 and #2.)  So I did what I figured some guys do on a lonely, boring Saturday night: I Googled “Hot chicks”.  And stumbled upon this treasure trove:  CHICKIPEDIA. Charmingly subtitled “The Wiki of Hot Women,” just about any woman you would want to go fake lez for is there.  However, before I could even plumb its depths*, I managed to come up with a great girl crush list.  So, without further ado, I present:

FIVE WOMEN I WOULD GO FAKE LESBIAN FOR BEFORE KRISTEN STEWART

    5. Scarlett Johansson

Chickipedia, which obviously is interested in the deeper qualities of these lovelies, informs me that her measurements are 36-25-26.  Which means she’s a brick…howwwwse, with a couple cinderblocks left over.

Now let’s look at the want:

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Hell, yes, she wants it!  Her eyes are tracter beams.  Her boobs are a magnet.  She is wanting the heck out of it, yet you can meet her gaze without fear that you might shatter into a million pieces.

Why would I want to make her my lovah?  Well, she is an historical reproduction of the classic movie actress, with her cherry-red lipstick and her platinum blonde hair.  She can be a serious actress, with such films as Girl With the Pearl Earring and Lost in Translation, as well as being a major box office draw.  She is a writer, director, and singer.  But in the end, she just has really soft pillowy lips and she’s effing hot.  I’m as deep as Chickipedia now.

Photobucket

    4. Sofia Vergara

Chickipedia describes Sofia Vergara as follows:  “Sofia Vergara is a Colombian model and actress who you probably have never heard of, but may have dreamt about.” They’re kings of prose over there, that’s for sure.  Our very own KSWI Jordan has sung Sofia Vergara’s praises before, and I, for one, don’t disagree.  That chica is caliente!  Ole’!

Does she want it?

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I don’t see that there could be any other answer but YES, with a resounding voice ringing out over all the land.  Sofia Vergara wants it!  But she wants you to want it, too.  See her beckoning head tilt?  Her soft hair?  She invites you in.  She says “welcome to Columbia, enjoy its sultry shores”.

Sofia Vergara is on Modern Family, where she plays Ed O’Neill’s wife.  Really?  Ed O’Neill?  How did this Penelope Cruz/Catherine Zeta-Jones hybrid get mixed up with Ed O’Neill?  It’s a little disconcerting.  What if I looked at her and couldn’t see anything else but Ed looking back at me?  It’s enough to throw a girl off her stride.  But I’d take the risk.  You bring the sugar, Sofia, and I’ll make the time.

Photobucket

(Side note:  Chickipedia has a “similar chick search” function based on measurements.  At 40-28-39, Sofia stands alone.  Bow chicka wow wow…)

    3. Dita Von Teese

This is the girl that I might get a little gushy over.  I might very easily go Teesebian for her.  She makes me swoon and flutter.  Dita Von Teese is the incarnation of classic Hollywood glamour.  I don’t trust her judgment in men, true, (seriously?  Marrying Marilyn Manson?  SERIOUSLY?  At least they got divorced.) but I would ALWAYS trust her judgment in style.  Because she’s got it in spades.  She lives in Paris, has fantastic raven hair and alabaster skin, and does burlesque.  I more want to be Dita than do Dita, but I’ll take it, either way.*

And yes, of course…

Photobucket

She wants it.  Duh.  It’s hard to want it for DVT, true, because she’s got a reported 17” waist, corseted, and girls like that spend most of their time trying not to let stiff winds break them in two, but here, you can see her wanting it.  Whether “it” be a Cointreau cocktail or a gigantic martini glass to sit in, mother of pearl SHE WANTS IT.

And Chickipedia informs me that she drives a 60’s era Jaguar S-Type.  And I DIE.  A Jaguar is my dream car.  And I like to pronounce it like the British do—Jag-ewe-are.  I am SWOONING.

Photobucket

And then look what I find:

Photobucket

Is that ScarJo being the Dom to DVT’s Sub in Flaunt Magazine?  Yes, yes it is.  They’re the bread to my fake lesbian sammy.

    2.   Christina Hendricks

Christina, Joan.  Joan, Christina.  The lines blur for me.  I love Joan Holloway, the sassy, smart, in-charge secretary at Sterling Cooper on the television show Mad Men.  She is a STACKED DAME.  She’s a fantastic actress who can convey so much with just a raised eyebrow.  If you want to see her versatility, take a look at her play three different roles in Firefly with ease.  (Heck, just watch Firefly.  Cancelled before it’s time, another one of Joss Whedon’s genius ideas that fizzled before it could shine.)

I think, given choice of personas, I would go with Christina.  Joan is still kind of stuck in the past.  Christina, however, looks like she wouldn’t be adverse to an offer of a quick motorboat.  And how could I pay homage to her obvious…talent…other than extending that humble offer?

She did a fantastic video for Broken Bells song The Ghost Inside, too.  She’s a cyborg.  Ah-may-zing.

Christina wants it:

Photobucket

Joan wants it:

Photobucket

And I definitely want it.

DOWN TO THE NUMBER ONE CHOICE  (Drumroll please…)

    1. JON HAMM!

I cheated.  Jon is not a chick.  He is not an entry in the Chickipedia (aside from being referenced as a “dude” that “chicks work with”).

I am a chick, however.  And not a lesbian one.  And recently Jon Hamm did an interview for W magazine where he said “being able to read and talk about complicated things is sexy.  It’s not just having a pair of bolt-on tits.”  There would never be another number one for me.

I want him like this:

Photobucket

You sexy ass mofo.

I’ve learned some important lessons from this exercise in fake lesbianism.

  1. Jordan and I have similar tastes in women.  (I feel we need some sort of dude high-five/dap thing because of this.)
  2. I like my ladies STACKED.  Hourglassy.  With perhaps a bit of junk in the trunk.
  3. I like gals who want it.
  4. I’m attracted to Hollywood glamour girls or Betty Page types.  Someone with some va-va-voom.
  5. I am straight.  (Well, I didn’t actually learn this.  I knew this.  Maybe this just reinforced it.)  I kept thinking “I love her hair!”  Or “I wish I had that dress!”  I’d be a bad lezzy.

That’s my list.  I’ll leave Kristen Stewart’s want to them that are brave enough to handle it.  And if you do decide to tackle it*, please use protection.  Preferably of Kevlar.

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24 Responses to “KSWI Guest Blogger Wednesday: Freya Edition”

  1. kristenstewartwantsit said

    5. Yes
    4. Yes
    3. Yes
    2. Yes
    1. Well – If somehow there was a deal made that I got to be with 5-2 if I did 1. I would be a fool not to take that deal.

  2. Leigh Anne said

    DO NOT CALL ME A KRISBIAN. I loathe that title. Gross.

    And yes, I do want to have sex with her, but that does not make one a “Krisbian.” I shudder. I’d let her blow ciggie smoke in my mouth anyday. Have you seen The Runaways? Shit was hot.

    You know how I feel about Christina/Joan/Joan/Christina. And her boobs. Amen.

    You also know how I feel about Jon Hamm…last of the real deal movie stars…with George and Denzel. But I digress.

    p.s. Hey, Jordan. How are you?

  3. Lala said

    Great post!
    And I have to agree with you, I could never be a lesbian either. My first thought on the first photo was “Wow! Her hair looks sooo pretty here!” and then “I wish I had boobs like that too.”

  4. tiffanized said

    Quite timely as my recent relationship disasters have me considering lesbianism.

    Yes to all of these except maybe Christina Hendricks and Jon Hamm. Not that I wouldn’t do them, they just wouldn’t make my top five, having been replaced by Keira Knightley and Kate Winslet.

    I like the way you slipped in an “Ole”. I don’t know it’s significance, but since LegHitch 2010, I have noticed it’s prevalence on Twitter. And LTT. And Facebook.

  5. StotheP said

    Uhmazing. Hilarious.

    I want them. Or to be them. Or to be friends with them, but not the kind of friends who go do things together, because I refuse to make an entrance with any of them. I like my ego just as intact as it is, thankyouverymuch.

    You’ve reinforced some things for me today. The first being that you. are. FUNNY. The second? My hypothetical lesbian tendencies also run toward killer curves. Finally – I really do need to watch Mad Men one of these days.

  6. Marta said

    AMEN.

    Hearts,
    a Krisbian 😀

  7. lapushbaby said

    Freya—Brill! I agree, I totally want to BE these women. And do John Hamm, I’m with you!! Girls with curves FTW!! And you are wicked funny, too true.

    Stothep, you totally have to watch Mad Men, I haven’t seen that much of it, and I’m not even sure about the story line, because I get really distracted by the visual awesomeness that is the sets and costuming of that show. And how attractive those main characters are… love it!

  8. I’ve never considered my Femme Freebie Five… Mine would probably go a lot like Freya, PWG, Tiffanized, MLF, … but at that rate, my list would be much longer than 5.

    I’ll pass on Kristen. She seems too frail to handle all of the woman that is me. Both physically and mentally. And by “all of the woman” I really mean “all of the crazy”. I’d keep the rest of your list… Maybe throw Tina Fey into the mix? I need to give this some thought.

    But who cares about the ladies. Goddamn, Jon Hamm. Suit + Motorcycle + Intelligence + Humor = Swoon City. I’ll take one of those, please.

    • MLF said

      OMG SQUEEEEEE!!!

      I am so excited. I don’t think I’ve ever made anyone’s freebie five, femme or not

      TOTALLY FANGIRLING OVER HERE!!

      My femme freebie five would consist of the same peeps except substitute HB for MLF and of course add Ms. Stewart because I am a Krisbian and I am proud, and also add Ellen Page because, as a wise girl -aka Ellen Page- once said, she is “the cheese to my macaroni.” also she is adorable and I want to snuggle the shit out of her.

    • PWG said

      I’m so sorry I missed this shout-out because I’ve been drinking. I hope that doesn’t affect my list placement. Boys are sitting in front of me flirting ineffectively with valley girl chicks next to me. I want to drown all four of them.

      Also, awesome post. I would not do Kristen, I hope she’s not too sad. I like the penis. I think the very idea of strap-ons is ridiculous. I should stop drunk commenting.

  9. UC said

    I forgot how much I love you Freya. Now I remember.
    Wait.. did anyone ever say this was Freya writing? I don’t remember reading that- Oh.. it’s in the title. Sweet. Freya you rule.
    Ole

  10. allryans said

    I’d do Kristen before any of those chicks because chicks with bigger tatas than me make me self- conscious. So Kristen, and Keira Knightly and Lisbeth Salander, even though she’s fictional. Oh and Freya, cause she’s awesome.

  11. kt said

    Wow… I obviously have a type when it comes to women I’d go gay for and its apparently the same type as Freya. I honestly can’t think of any chicks that I would add to this list. All bases have been covered.

  12. brookelockart said

    I love boobs as well, perhaps because I am envious.

    I dig your list and give it 5 OLEs!

  13. themoonisdown said

    you and i, freya are of like minds. these women are ALL on my list. and i called them WOMEN. they work those legs, those boobs, those BRAINS and that shiz is hot. only one you left off would be zooey deschanel but hell, jon hamm can take her place any day.

  14. Freya said

    I love each and every one of you who commented! Thanks so much! Especially for my friends who don’t comment here much–thanks for making the journey and agreeing with me on the hotness!

  15. campbelld said

    Awesome. I enjoyed this boobs very boobs and I boobs the boobs boobs boobs.
    Wow. Sorry, got distracted.
    This was great! I laughed, I chuckled, I even lol’d! Huzzah! Congratulations.
    I should do one about dudes. Cos I don’t this R-Pattz is good looking.

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