KSWI Guest Blogger Wednesday: Freya Edition

Editor’s note: Thank you to Freya for writing this week’s guest blog. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I would like to extend an invitation to the rest of the KSWI faithful, to the KSWI unfaithful, to the KSWI faithless and, of course, to American literary darling Tom Wolfe to write a guest post. I would like to remind everyone that it is free to write a guest post, but the glory is everlasting. Please email me at jordankswi@gmail.com about guest posting or about how much this website fills the hole in your heart that staring into the lifeless face of a computer monitor for years has created.

I think we’re all fully versed in the power of Kristen Stewart’s WANT by now, after all this time.  But there’s a special kind of fan, the superfan of Kristen Stewart, the ones that have been sucked powerfully into the vortex of Kristen’s want and have been forever changed…into Krisbians.

Krisbians are those who would go lesbian for Kristen Stewart.  Some of my best friends are Krisbians, and I love them, but I don’t understand why they would want to have sex with Kristen Stewart.  Wouldn’t that kill you?  Look at that want.  You’d be foolish to try to even get close to that want without risking a limb.  (Of course, they claim they would just go “fake lesbian” for her—they’re teases who don’t go all the way.)  Plus, I don’t actually understand the attraction to Kristen Stewart.  Yes, part of the reason is that I’m straight and don’t fancy women at all, but even if I DID fancy women, I wouldn’t be a Krisbian.  She’s not my girl-type.  I decided to make a list of women who have the inexplicable power of the want, but who wouldn’t actually destroy your soul.

I was all prepared to talk about it, but I quickly ran into a problem: I could only think of two.  (See #4 and #2.)  So I did what I figured some guys do on a lonely, boring Saturday night: I Googled “Hot chicks”.  And stumbled upon this treasure trove:  CHICKIPEDIA. Charmingly subtitled “The Wiki of Hot Women,” just about any woman you would want to go fake lez for is there.  However, before I could even plumb its depths*, I managed to come up with a great girl crush list.  So, without further ado, I present:

FIVE WOMEN I WOULD GO FAKE LESBIAN FOR BEFORE KRISTEN STEWART

5. Scarlett Johansson

Chickipedia, which obviously is interested in the deeper qualities of these lovelies, informs me that her measurements are 36-25-26.  Which means she’s a brick…howwwwse, with a couple cinderblocks left over.

Now let’s look at the want:

Hell, yes, she wants it!  Her eyes are tracter beams.  Her boobs are a magnet.  She is wanting the heck out of it, yet you can meet her gaze without fear that you might shatter into a million pieces.

Why would I want to make her my lovah?  Well, she is an historical reproduction of the classic movie actress, with her cherry-red lipstick and her platinum blonde hair.  She can be a serious actress, with such films as Girl With the Pearl Earring and Lost in Translation, as well as being a major box office draw.  She is a writer, director, and singer.  But in the end, she just has really soft pillowy lips and she’s effing hot.  I’m as deep as Chickipedia now.

4. Sofia Vergara

Chickipedia describes Sofia Vergara as follows:  “Sofia Vergara is a Colombian model and actress who you probably have never heard of, but may have dreamt about.” They’re kings of prose over there, that’s for sure.  Our very own KSWI Jordan has sung Sofia Vergara’s praises before, and I, for one, don’t disagree.  That chica is caliente!  Ole’!

Does she want it?

I don’t see that there could be any other answer but YES, with a resounding voice ringing out over all the land.  Sofia Vergara wants it!  But she wants you to want it, too.  See her beckoning head tilt?  Her soft hair?  She invites you in.  She says “welcome to Columbia, enjoy its sultry shores”.

Sofia Vergara is on Modern Family, where she plays Ed O’Neill’s wife.  Really?  Ed O’Neill?  How did this Penelope Cruz/Catherine Zeta-Jones hybrid get mixed up with Ed O’Neill?  It’s a little disconcerting.  What if I looked at her and couldn’t see anything else but Ed looking back at me?  It’s enough to throw a girl off her stride.  But I’d take the risk.  You bring the sugar, Sofia, and I’ll make the time.

(Side note:  Chickipedia has a “similar chick search” function based on measurements.  At 40-28-39, Sofia stands alone.  Bow chicka wow wow…)

3. Dita Von Teese

This is the girl that I might get a little gushy over.  I might very easily go Teesebian for her.  She makes me swoon and flutter.  Dita Von Teese is the incarnation of classic Hollywood glamour.  I don’t trust her judgment in men, true, (seriously?  Marrying Marilyn Manson?  SERIOUSLY?  At least they got divorced.) but I would ALWAYS trust her judgment in style.  Because she’s got it in spades.  She lives in Paris, has fantastic raven hair and alabaster skin, and does burlesque.  I more want to be Dita than do Dita, but I’ll take it, either way.*

And yes, of course…

She wants it.  Duh.  It’s hard to want it for DVT, true, because she’s got a reported 17” waist, corseted, and girls like that spend most of their time trying not to let stiff winds break them in two, but here, you can see her wanting it.  Whether “it” be a Cointreau cocktail or a gigantic martini glass to sit in, mother of pearl SHE WANTS IT.

And Chickipedia informs me that she drives a 60’s era Jaguar S-Type.  And I DIE.  A Jaguar is my dream car.  And I like to pronounce it like the British do—Jag-ewe-are.  I am SWOONING.

And then look what I find:

Is that ScarJo being the Dom to DVT’s Sub in Flaunt Magazine?  Yes, yes it is.  They’re the bread to my fake lesbian sammy.

2.   Christina Hendricks

Christina, Joan.  Joan, Christina.  The lines blur for me.  I love Joan Holloway, the sassy, smart, in-charge secretary at Sterling Cooper on the television show Mad Men.  She is a STACKED DAME.  She’s a fantastic actress who can convey so much with just a raised eyebrow.  If you want to see her versatility, take a look at her play three different roles in Firefly with ease.  (Heck, just watch Firefly.  Cancelled before it’s time, another one of Joss Whedon’s genius ideas that fizzled before it could shine.)

I think, given choice of personas, I would go with Christina.  Joan is still kind of stuck in the past.  Christina, however, looks like she wouldn’t be adverse to an offer of a quick motorboat.  And how could I pay homage to her obvious…talent…other than extending that humble offer?

She did a fantastic video for Broken Bells song The Ghost Inside, too.  She’s a cyborg.  Ah-may-zing.

Christina wants it:

Joan wants it:

And I definitely want it.

DOWN TO THE NUMBER ONE CHOICE  (Drumroll please…)

1. JON HAMM!

I cheated.  Jon is not a chick.  He is not an entry in the Chickipedia (aside from being referenced as a “dude” that “chicks work with”).

I am a chick, however.  And not a lesbian one.  And recently Jon Hamm did an interview for W magazine where he said “being able to read and talk about complicated things is sexy.  It’s not just having a pair of bolt-on tits.”  There would never be another number one for me.

I want him like this:

You sexy ass mofo.

I’ve learned some important lessons from this exercise in fake lesbianism.

1. Jordan and I have similar tastes in women.  (I feel we need some sort of dude high-five/dap thing because of this.)
2. I like my ladies STACKED.  Hourglassy.  With perhaps a bit of junk in the trunk.
3. I like gals who want it.
4. I’m attracted to Hollywood glamour girls or Betty Page types.  Someone with some va-va-voom.
5. I am straight.  (Well, I didn’t actually learn this.  I knew this.  Maybe this just reinforced it.)  I kept thinking “I love her hair!”  Or “I wish I had that dress!”  I’d be a bad lezzy.

That’s my list.  I’ll leave Kristen Stewart’s want to them that are brave enough to handle it.  And if you do decide to tackle it*, please use protection.  Preferably of Kevlar.