This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants—- the CONTEST

July 23, 2010

I believe I have figured out the prizes for the “Kristen Stewart wants IT and so do I” contest, which will end August 9th. I will also be adding a tab about this contest at the top of the page next to the eternal question “Who is Kristen?”. I may or may not also remind everyone in every post from now to August 9th that there is a contest in which you take a picture of yourself wanting IT or doing an impersonation of Kristen Stewart wanting IT and send it to and in doing so you may or may not win one of the unique prizes I have thought up for this contest.

Depending on how many entrants there are there may be multiple winners. Either way, the winner(s) will get to choose their prize instead of me deciding for them. It’s like a grab bag if the bag of the grab bag was see-thru and you know exactly what you are grabbing for in that bag of grab bagginess.


Jordan Newmark Short Story – I will write a short story for you and only you. This short story can be about whatever you may want. Fan fiction, horror, mystery, bunny rabbits? Your choice. The story will be under 20 pages long.

Jordan Newmark Read Audio Book – I will make an audio book for you. I will read any book of your choosing that is under 600 pages long.

Vision: Ripper Skateboard – This is an original Vision skateboard that may be from 1987. It is the “Ripper” model. It has all its original parts and it may or may not have ever been ridden ever. It was given to me as a present when I was a small child and has been taken care of and sat in my room since I was that child. Now it could be yours. Either to add to whatever shrine you have built to me or that you will have built to me or it could be used like an actual skateboard.


$40 Consumer Shopping Network gift card – for their website at

A Mess Of Crumpled $1 Bills – the mess totals in at $36

The Bad Standards Song – I have contacted the band The Bad Standards through their twitter account and they have agreed that they will write and record a song about whichever winner chooses this prize. They genre of the song may also be up for debate considering they have recorded blues songs, reggae, classic rock, prog rock, rap, soul, latin rock, dance club, world, and electro.


Very great and very unique prizes.

But, I would like to address the negativity/skepticism and general unfunness from some of the commenting staff regarding the contest. Actually, let me address directly their comments that they may not send pictures of themselves, but can’t wait to see other people’s pictures. WRONG. If I am not satisfied with the cooperation of the commenting staff then you will not see ANY pictures from contestants. Instead the contestants with be emailed the other contestants pictures or given a link to another website where the contest can be held in a more private setting. How does that sound? This is a participation website. If you want to see what others have sent in then you too need to get involved.

Besides that, what on Earth are you people afraid of? The only person who is ever attacked on this website is me. Everyone else is great and wonderful and kisses and hugs and flowery this and flowery that and we love you “totes”, so any picture you send will be praised more than enough for your self-confidence to sky rocket past the former planet Pluto.

With that said, I have already received several entrants for this contest. To those that have emailed me their entrant pics, so quickly THANK YOU. All entrants have until August 9th, so no rush. I know some would like to really capture their want perfectly, so they may need to think up what they really want and in doing so that may take a few days. I get it.


Lastly, I believe I only received one actual question from a commenter.

If Satan had a last name, what would it be?

Excellent question. Satan, Lucifer, The Light Bringer, The Southern Star, The Morning Star, The Devil, El Diablo et cetera is known by many names. Many many many names. One last name would not capture the spirit that all of Satan’s first names have. So, Satan would have many last names. Strangely enough I know what those last names are. Simply, anyone who does not send in an entry for the “Kristen Stewart wants IT and so do I” contest is one of the last names of the Devil. Yep. So let’s say your last name is Jones and you do not send in an entry for the contest then one of the Devil’s last names is Jones because of your non-action.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. Actually I only hope you have a great weekend if you are going to enter the contest. This is my Alamo.


22 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants—- the CONTEST”

  1. MLF said

    “The only person who is ever attacked on this website is me”

    if I recall we were not very nice to DICKS when he stopped by, but in our defense shouty caps are just annoying. I like to think if he hadn’t be yelling at us the whole time we may have been more welcoming.

  2. I am changing my bio on twitter to this epic sentence:
    “It’s like a grab bag if the bag of the grab bag was see-thru and you know exactly what you are grabbing for in that bag of grab bagginess.” It’s pure artistry!

  3. MLF said

    I’m not sure that telling people they are Satan if they don’t do what you want is the way to go about getting people to do something. Just sayinnn

  4. The only person who is ever attacked on this website is me. Everyone else is great and wonderful and kisses and hugs and flowery this and flowery that and we love you “totes”…

    You know what they say about jealousy, don’t you? Things. They say things about jealousy, Jordan.

    Maybe we’d say nicer things if you didn’t call us the devil. Or if every time we’ve said nice things in the past you didn’t respond “fuck you”. But those are just wild guesses, after all.

    Also, Mr. This Is A Participation Website, I asked you a question. I wanted to know if you’d test out those fartpads for $40. Thanks for ignoring me. Either you hate me or are intimidated by my genius.


    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Maybe I’ll try out your fartpads if you send in a picture(s) and convince your negging brethren to also send in pictures. It’s a fucking contest and giveaway. People usually have fun with those things. Give you all a chance to be creative and participate. Jeez.

      • Negotiating now, I see… Who invited Kevin Spacey to the party?

        Fine, I’ll consider it. Must do a thorough analysis of whether my desire to maintain whatever shred of dignity I may have left outweighs my desire to see you get intimately acquainted with Subtle Butt.

        No promises on my “brethren” though. It’s not like I’m the leader of The Others over here. Besides, you’re already getting a picture of PWG’s tits, so I think we could all throw in the towel right about now. Or just toss the towel over to you since you might need it later. wink wink nudge nudge masturbation joke.

      • Amy D said

        What type of Twi-inspired website is this when the grab bag of fun does not include any Edward related items? Toss an Eclipse lunch pail in the mix and I’m good to go. Yup, I’m easy that way. No shame.

      • campbelld said

        Amy, that was like five That’s What She Said’s in a row. Impressive.

  5. PWG said

    I tried to comment many times yesterday. My shitty wifi connection would let me read the post(s) and comments, and acted like I was connected enough to comment, but when I was all done with my inebriated typing and clicked “submit” it Page Not Found-ed me. THREE times. So I gave up. It was the sisyphusian commenting day.

    I’m pretty sure I took wanty pictures of my breasts on this trip. I’ll totally send them in. At this age I’m afraid people are going to STOP wanting to see my tits. Or my “want” or whatever. My chest is the wantiest part of me, is all I’m saying. Pleaseworkpleasework. I sooooo want to pick a book for you to read.don’t let that affect the judging.

    • MLF said

      I don’t know who is more excited about your boobwant pictures- me, or Jordan. Or maybe HB? not sure. I don’t want to discount anybodies Want to see your Want.

  6. Lala said

    Wow, you really gave some thought to this whole contest/giveaway thing and I didn’t think you would. I’m impressed. I hope everybody participate.

  7. Freya said

    As much as I can think of a dozen ridiculous books I would love to have you read on tape, some of us have very conservative jobs. Some of us rely on our internet anonymity to keep said conservative jobs. Some people’s very conservative to the point of being super effing uptight jobs might fire an employee who is on the internet writing about female celebrities they would fit their lady bits together with (let alone some of the other shenanigans I’ve written/tweeted). Do not be offended, then, or give me all kinds of “lip” if I do not participate in this competition. Sure, I want “it”. But in this case, “it” is my job. Thanks.

    • Amy D said

      Your snarky post makes me want to see you from the neck down in a tight leather outfit. Wearing stilettos. With whips. I believe that would end the wanting contest right there and still salvage the job. Just throwing that out there. Please don’t be offended, because you slightly scare me. In a fun way.

    • MLF said

      HAH! love it, Freya. CLASSY/SASSY! MEOW!

      and amy your “you scare me in a fun way” totally cracked me the eff up.


    • campbelld said

      Freya you’ve been linking people to Lemon Party. Ok, so they’re spammers and they have no souls, but still cold.
      And the leather and the whips would be nice to. Just sayin’.

      • Freya said

        I have yet to link anyone to the lemon party. I’m just putting it out in the universe. Just in case.

  8. campbelld said

    Look, I probably will, but I don’t think you;d appreaciate my picture as much as some others.

    • MLF said

      this is utterly untrue. There has been twitter talk about your submission- the sisterwives eagerly await it.

      for serious.

      in other news I just got home from seeing Eclipse. Again. with my mom. AGAIN.

      I hope you all had a cooler Friday than me becuase uhhhh…yeah. and HB my phone died while I was twittering you and now twitter is being wierd. fyi. very sad moment for me in the theater when I realized there would be nothing left for me to do other than actually watch the movie, sigh.

      plus side: my stepdad apparently went to the liquor store while my mom and I were out so at least Saturday is getting started off right. aka drinking by myself at my parents house. I’m so cool.

  9. JumbledFartNOIZES said

    YO ima send out some mad pix of me and my LAYDEE because we WANT IT and you know the bad standards are gon right a badass RAP AND ROLL Song about me. how do i get on that twittz???

  10. amanda said

    I’ll send in a couple pictures. I don’t think that in doing so I am putting myself at any kind of risk. But I feel like people who do send in pictures will send in silly pictures, and I will be the one looking silly.

    I do know the devils last name actually, and its not mine thank you very much. Satan’s last name is in fact “Hudson” as in Kate. She can’t handle Matthew Bellamy, as she is currently dating him. She can’t handle his godliness.

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