Well, she was right. One of your fellow commentters made a seemingly baseless claim last week that The Situation from the beloved Jersey Shore and former Vice Presidential candidate/catastrophe Sarah Palin’s famously fertile daughter Bristol Palin would be on the next season of Dancing with the Stars. AND SHE WAS RIGHT! I can only imagine there are a few scenarios as to why this is right:

1. She can see the future. I’m not saying that is a high probability, but the Situation and Bristol Palin!?! Those are some random ass “stars” to be correct about.

2. She works for ABC and risked her job and livelihood to pass along this information ahead of the curve. And for that I say, DON’T DO THAT AGAIN! I mean definitely risk your job over reading and commenting on the site – sure – that’s a given. But everything else? No. You need to keep your job to make money to have a computer to read what I say on the other end of the internet on my computer.

3. She has taken an ABC employee hostage and/or knows someone who has taken an ABC employee hostage and then interrogated them about what secrets they know and all they got was Bristol and Sitch. Fair enough.

Nevertheless, as mentioned she was 100% correct and yesterday I saw on Yahooooooooooooooooooooo! who the entire cast of Dancing with the Stars would be. There are some very interesting people on the show and even more interesting is I do not watch the show. That’s probably not that interesting and it was more hyperbolic than anything to say that these people are “very” interesting, but you get my point – I’m going to write about this ish anyway, so get your fucking hats on. “Fucking” hats? “Fucking hats”? Fucking “hats”!?! Your choice. Get ’em on. And let’s roll.

There he is. Cut out of the softest granite ever. There couldn’t be a more nonthreatening man of muscles than the Situation. The more you watch the UFC or Mixed Martial Arts or boxing the more you start realizing that big enormous pumped up like a balloon muscles are not really helpful in terms of fighting. They cut down on mobility and could kill a person’s cardio because muscles take a lot of oxygen to work. It really comes down to if a person has trained to fight and more their psycho factor in the fight. You have to like fighting to be good at it. Anyway, sometimes you still see some jacked up meathead and that animal instinct of more muscles means physical prowess and sometimes you see The Situation who clearly has worked his body into a muscle mess because girls want to hook up with that muscle mess. The Situation is probably pound for pound the most muscley guy and the least physically threatening ever. It could be he is not that tall, it could be his effeminate fashion style and mannerisms, it could be his enigmatic hair cut, he looks like he has small hands, it could be him getting drunk in clubs wearing aviators indoors and smoking Parliament ultra lights like a high school girl. It could be all those things.

It could also be that the Situation is trying to have fun at all times and hook up with girls at all times and no where in what I just wrote involves the Situation having to ball up a fist and hit someone with it. Anyway, the Situation is on the TV show and I’m excited, but the premise of Dancing with the Stars kind of ruins the idea of the Situation being on it. What I mean – none of these “stars” really interact with each other. They don’t all live in a house together. They don’t train dancing together. They just see each other a couple times a week to dance against each other and are rated by judges who I never heard of before this show started.


There she is… Miss Middle-America! I really wish that this show allowed for more interaction between the “stars” because then there would be those tremendous cross-overs between the Situation and Bristol and whoever else I’ll later talk about. But where is the fun in that. Where is the fun in guessing the two of them and the others will only share pleasantries and nothing more. Let’s assume they do live in a house and how each would interact with The Situation.

I think Bristol … errr… I KNOW Bristol Palin would like The Situation. First, let me say I’m glad Bristol has had a change of career from unwed and teenage pregnant to an actress. The Situation would definitely like Bristol because she is cute, young and famous. Also, if she is anything like her mother then she’ll continue to be good looking for awhile. As much as I think Sarah Palin is actively trying to destroy the United States of America, I will give her credit that she is a good looking woman. I keep expecting my brain to sync up with my eyes and be like “Well, I think she is a horrendous influence on the citizens of the USA and is brainwashing women across this country into buying catchphrases that mean nothing like ‘momma grizzlies’, so I should have enough dislike for her… she is good looking. Looking good, Sarah. Looking real good as always.” If I met Sarah Palin, I wouldn’t say anything mean or unsavory to her because I would be smiling right back at her like an idiot. She’s a pretty lady. She’s a pretty lady shaking my hand and smiling at me and telling me it is nice to meet ya’. Anyway, Bristol’s a cute girl and who doesn’t like them?

Bristol would like the Situation. Why? Well, look at her previous relationship. She clearly went “all the way” with Levi – there is a baby to prove it. I’m guessing Bristol’s attraction to Levi wasn’t for his brains. I can’t imagine Levi quoting Plato or discussing the human experience through Foucault’s belief we all live in an invisible prison. No, I cannot imagine that and seriously no female wants that anyway. Washboard abs? Yes. They want that and Situation has it. I would guess that ole’ hockey star Levi was a braggadocios popular loud mouth kid in Alaska and Bristol was attracted by this frat boy alpha-male the way most women tend to be. I doubt Levi was the brooding, climb in your bedroom window and let’s walk through the woods type of guy – and the Situation isn’t either. Nor is her father. Not to get into a female Oedipal complex or anything, but Todd strikes me as similar to Levi. He’s a big talking, secessionist loving, goattee sporting, snow mobile racing type. I’m guessing she doesn’t think her father is a bad guy, so all-in-all I think she would like the party all the time Situation.


The Hoff! The Hassle Hoff! I’m not entirely sure if David Hasslehoff has sworn off booze and the like because of the video of him with the cheeseburger a few years back, but either way if he lived with the Situation for a night or two he’d be back on or off or whatever with the wagon and drinking and partying again. I think the Hoff would love the Situation. One main reason: the Situation would verbally blow the Hoff. The Situation wouldn’t know Christopher Nolan or Wes Anderson if he saw them, but he’d know Hasslehoff. I bet the Situation would talk to Hasslehoff non-stop about how bad ass he is for being on Baywatch and Knight Rider and how much ass he got. Even though that was well over a decade ago, the Situation would be like a time machine to Hasslehoff making him feel like he was in his 20’s again mixing it up with Nicole Eggert before she went bakery food crazy and ended up on a celebrity weight loss show or before Yasmin Bleeth became a recovering heroin addict or before Pamela Anderson was radioactive from all the STDs she must have. The two of them would get along FAMOUSLY!

Back to Bristol, she’s just a kid and is probably used to some maid or inhouse help cooking her dinner every night and guess who does that? Situation. She would love the Situation for cooking her dinner every night. I would too, honestly. So, she has this muscley, pseudo alpha-male, nonthreatening, dancing guy who is now cooking for her. And he’s shirtless most of the time. She would be into it.


Brandy. I’ve always though Brandy was hot, just wanted to get that out of the way. Brandy would sort of like the Situation. I think he would get on her nerves a ton, but in the end she wouldn’t have hate for him because he is just trying to have fun. I doubt they would get along too much. She isn’t interested in the Situation. I’m pretty sure she has a couple kids and a husband and is older than the Situation. Also, I would bet she has dated athletes and real men who have muscles that are used to do manly things and not just take their shirts off to get drunk girls at clubs to put their hands on his ripped stomach.

Back to Bristol, I think Bristol would also like the Situation because she is from Alaska and he is from New York. He’s from Staten Island or Long Island or something, but if you’re born and raised in Alaska then someone from Vermont could technically say they are from New York City to you and you would buy it. Alaska is about a billion miles from any metropolis like New York City, so the Situation is that star-crossed, he’s from a different foreign world that I wish I was apart of, Romeo of the Eastern seaboard.


Kurt would probably hate the Situation. If anything, I think the Situation would remind Kurt of the years he spent as a New York Giant, which many (including Kurt) would like to pretend never happened. Also, I can’t imagine Kurt will be any good on this show. First, he’s white. Second, he’s a quarterback not known for being mobile. Third, did I mention his whiteness? Kurt is older, never known for being fleet footed, he’s almost offensively white and I think that covers it. Kurt Warner is a freak athlete at throwing a professional tackle football at people when in the colors of the St. Louis Rams and the Arizona Cardinals – I do not think that will at all translate to the dance floor.

Couldn’t you just imagine Bristol hand-in-hand with the Situation on whatever next failed campaign trail Sarah Palin signs up for? Hopefully, Snooki is with McCain – they clearly have some vomit inducing connection. I think DJ Pauly D and Michael Steele would get along pretty well. If anything, I would imagine that Michael Steele could use a DJ with a penis piercing at his next fetish orgy he is throwing. I’ve never been to a fetish orgy, but I would bet that a guy knowing how to use some turn tables to keep the dance beat going wouldn’t be too bad to have.


That is supposed to be Jennifer Gray or Grey. I can’t remember which way she spells it. Either way, it doesn’t look like her. I wouldn’t have known that was her unless the image told me it was her, so the Situation might not recognize her either. The Situation will definitely hit on her and so forth like he does with all women, but I would bet a billion dollars that he would rather have her tell him stories about Patrick Swayze than anything else. I know that’s what I’m thinking.


Michael Bolton. Just let that sink in for a minute. I think Michael Bolton is completely over his days of being wild and crazy considering he has been over them for about 20 years now. Michael Bolton at one time was a metal singer or a hair metal singer I should say. Then he started making the horrible hits that we really remember him for and he made millions and millions of dollars. I’m pretty sure he couldn’t care less about the Situation. I imagine that if they did live in a house together that Bolton would hang out with everyone the least. When he moved into the house he would have a 20 man crew deliver a 500 pound metal tube with wires and flashing lights to his bedroom. It would be calibrated and installed. In between calls home to his kids and family and meals, Bolton would retire to his bedroom to enter the space age device and sleep or rest or achieve near telekinetic powers with whatever that tube does.


Margaret Cho would hate the Situation. Hate him. I’m betting Cho is serious about her comedy thinking that the Situation being seen as humorous is a slap in the face of all things holy in comedy. Meanwhile, Margaret Cho’s rise to and fall from fame was centered around her doing impressions of her mother as a female Charlie Chan. So, stop taking yourself so seriously. That’s just my guess though. Stand-up comics are an angry and serious bunch. I would bet her and the Situation would get into fights on the regular.

I haven’t mentioned Bristol in a bit. I would imagine that the more time Bristol Palin spent with the Situation the higher the bump in her hair would get, she would pick up cigarette smoking, she would dress sluttier, and be tanner. Pretty much, I think the Situation would slowly transform her into a taller version of Snooki.


Rick Fox would love the Situation similarly to how David Hasselhoff would love the Situation. Pretty much identical. It would be the time machine factor. If you overheard any conversation between the Situation and Rick Fox you would think it was 1994. I bet there would be some story of Rick Fox hooking up with Jasmine Guy and the Situation would be eating it up with a spoon. Plus Rick Fox is obviously still a young at heart type of guy – he is dating Eliza Dushku. Yeah, the one and only Eliza Dushku. Haven’t heard that name in a minute. I don’t know how these two ended up together, but all the props in the world to Rick Fox.


Florence Henderson. I would bet that the Situation has heard the name, but doesn’t know who she is. I doubt the two of them would talk or interact much. I would imagine that Florence Henderson has her life pretty well figured out at this point considering she is 76. I would bet a million billion trillion dollars though if they all lived together there would be at least one phenomenally hilarious and disgusting moment where the Situation gives FloHen a lap dance. Seriously! It writes it fucking self. You know that that would happen. Everyone would be there laughing and clapping along – even killjoy Margaret Cho and space man Michael Bolton. It would be like this…

But a lot more graphic. A lot more. Like touching would be involved.


I don’t know who this kid is, so there is no chance the Situation does either. I looked him up and he was on That’s So Raven. I really have no clue what he would be like. I would bet that due to relative age he should be down to have fun with Situation. He’s the youngest of the bunch at 19. I have no idea who this kid is. He could be anything from a practicing Reverend to a pussy hound. All is possible.

Lastly, I think Situation would probably treat Bristol like his kid sister. I’m not saying he wouldn’t do anything devious to her given the opportunity because she isn’t his kid sister, but in general I bet he would be nice to her – he seems to be nice to everyone in the Jersey Shore house. She has that Shawn Johnson sweetness about her like she could have been walking through a forest one day and discovered elves who live in trees that make chocolate chip cookies. And she was sworn to secrecy about these magical little elves, but ever since that day she has known something that is so wholesome in the world that her smile has forever changed. Also, she is the product of a wild mother. I would imagine that really Chelsea Clinton and Bristol Palin would have a lot in common to some degree. They are the daughters and at times the right hand women of crazily ambitious mothers.

And there is one more contestant on Dancing with the Stars


Yeah. I think the Situation would like Audrina. I think he would like her so much that the by week two she would be filing for a restraining order against him. Have you seen how much the Situation went after Sammi? Sammi!?! Have you seen how he goes after these drunk club chicks who he later calls rhinos, grenades and hippos? Could you imagine the never ending assault he would lay on Audrina?

I really wish they all were going to live in a house together instead of dance.

My money is on David Hasslehoff. That’s both my heart and my mind’s choice. If I made a second guess I think Brandy would win.

Today is Monday, so Happy Monday. It’s hot as balls out, so I’m staying inside with the central air on. I went outside, on this Monday, for two minutes and I felt like I was burning alive, so I won’t make that mistake twice.

There was a lot of television and glamor on that television last night. There was the EMMY AWARDS! I generally do not watch them or try to not watch any awards shows, but out of solidarity and boredom I watched the Emmys… or some of it. One thing I do like about the Emmys or any award show is Yahoo!’s wrap-up of “best dressed vs. worst dressed” photo galleries the following day. I know nothing about fashion, but at the same time I feel like these people know nothing about fashion, so we’re on an even playing field. It really comes down to “who looked good” and I am a judging man with time on his hands, and I’m also a judging man of others’ judging, so this is all perfect.

Yahoo! went above and beyond this time and did a list of 80+ best/worst, so I’m only grabbing a 1/4th or so. The rest of the list is:


Let’s begin…


I’m starting with Lauren Graham because she is the only person I specifically remember thinking, “what is she wearing?” I like Lauren Graham. I like Lauren Graham as a comic actress, which can be proven by the obscene amount of Gilmore Girls episodes I watched. I blame Kevin Smith for me watching the Gilmore Girls. He used to rave about the show back when Kevin Smith was talented and back when I trusted his opinion on things. Now, if he told me to watch Community I would be leery of his advice and I already do watch and love Community. Also, I like Lauren Graham because she is good looking and we all know good looking people are better human beings, which is why we are even having these awards shows to begin with. Oh, look you are so pretty. Take this gold statue to commemorate your prettiness.

Anyway, Lauren’s face in this picture says to me, “Can you fucking believe what I’m wearing? It’s crazy, right? What the hell is this? It’s almost like they dressed me in this blind folded and then finally took the blind fold off right as I was walking onto the red carpet. Can’t run and hide now.”


Those big fucking juicy bouncy squeezable … uhhhh … somethings that are not what it is obvious what everyone is thinking. Christ, I love the country’s obsession with Christina Hendricks. Yeah, she is great on Mad Men. Yeah, she has a beautiful face and she knows how to use it or whatever cliche line. But those AHHHHHH are so amazing that our entire country is just like, “Well, we love boobs and she has the biggest ones, so she is our queen.” I’m seriously considering fist fighting her husband the instant I see him. I’ll make it proper like a duel. Slap him with a leather riding glove first. Then I’ll beat him to death and maybe, just maybe, she’ll see that I’m a superior caveman than the previous caveman she had because I just defeated him in a death fight and she’ll gladly come with me.


Fuck! She is gorgeous. I actually was dreaming about her before I woke up, went outside and burned, got a coffee, burned some more, and then began writing for you. I won’t lie – in the dream she was digging my stuff. I really think I had a chance with her. Why the fuck did I wake up!?! For some reason we were at school together. I have so many dreams where I’m still in school. Too many. But I really can’t complain considering Sophia was in this one. I loved this dream! And you all ruined it! Damn you!


Jane Lynch, yall. I think Yahoo gave her a B. I would’ve given her an A. I like it. I think she pulls off this dress well. She’s tall and this dress is tall. I can’t recall the last time I have ever seen Jane Lynch in a dress, so she’s looking great for her first time ever wearing a dress in my life. She also won an Emmy, which is definitely deserved. I don’t watch Glee, but I’ve seen some episodes and she does a great job. Also, politically she deserves an Emmy because she has been excellent in so many other projects that she should get an award for consistently stealing scenes in everything she is in.


Yahoo did not like this dress. Anna looks like Cleopatra in this dress. Or she looks like Anna Pacquin playing Cleopatra in this dress. She looks serious too. Serious like Cleopatra. I’m not anti this dress because I get it. I have heard “Pre-Christ Egyptian Royalty” is the new “in” fashion trend for 2011, so Anna is just ahead of the curve. Also, I sat through all this “17 minutes until True Blood” on the Emmys, but never got to see them. I guess they were on while Mad Men was on and I wasn’t missing Mad Men to find out which reality show I don’t watch was going to win best reality show.


Sarah Hyland from Modern Family. She looks amazing. This Sarah chick is hot. I know she plays a jail bait high schooler on Modern Family, but she is 20 years old in real life, so stop dialing the cops because I think she is hot. Now, if I posted a picture of Ariel Winter – her 12 year old co-star – then sure call the cops. But I thought ahead and didn’t post a picture of her even though I think you should look through the Yahoo series to see her in her dress because she looks completely different than she does on the TV show. Besides me tip toeing around so called “indecency” – I’m glad Modern Family won all the awards it did. They certainly deserve it. I was even more excited to see Aaron Paul and Bryan Cranston win for Breaking Bad, which is arguably the best television show on television.


I love Heidi Klum. She always looks great. And I don’t watch her show and I think I’ve talked about her on this site a bunch of times, so just soak in her glow.


I also love Kim Kardashian. I have never watched her show, nor do I ever want to. Nevertheless, I think she is beautiful and I’m glad she is always sunbathing in bikinis near photographers because it provides an untold amount of happiness for the rest of the world. I also would like to say that Yahoo gave her a B I think and clearly this is an A. At the same time, she could have shown up in jean shorts and a tuxedo t-shirt and I would give her an A.


Elisabeth Moss looking great. Also single. When I first saw this picture I thought that all of that open space to her left would normally be filled by creepy Fred Armisen and now she looks a 1000x better without that as her living accessory. Did anyone watch Mad Men? She got naked on the show. Yeah. The show isn’t on Cinemax, so we don’t get to see her naked as viewers, but it was cool nonetheless. She gets naked to prove a point. I fucking wish this was how random hot women in my life proved points. Oh, you think I’m wrong? I’m going to get naked in front of you. YES! Always do this! Always do this to prove that you’re right.


I’m a big fan of Alan Cumming. I’ve talked about that before I think or at least I wanted to mention that some other time earlier in this life. Take for granted I am a fan. Yahoo gave Alan a D. That’s ridiculous. What is the point for fashion? To look good, right? One way of calculating looking good is getting laid. It’s not the only way, but it is one way. If what you’re wearing doesn’t prevent you and sometimes helps you get laid then it is good fashion. And I would bet all the money left on my unemployment allotment that Alan Cumming got laid … several times … that night. I would also bet he made out with a straight woman, a straight woman who is hot and famous that night. Really, none of that is because of what he wore, but what he wore did not stop any of that occurring. Also, chicks love making out with gay guys.


BOOM! A+! I forget what Yahoo gave this chick from True Blood, but it wasn’t an A+. I forget her name… wait a second… IMDB search… Rutina Wesley. She looks amazing. She looks like a GD-ing superhero! She’s some sexy ass superhero who could punch a hole through a concrete wall and levitate and shoot fire balls from her well oiled calves. I have seen a few episodes of True Blood. I’m really not into the show even though I would like to be. It’s just too cheesy for me. Nevertheless, this chick is hot. Actually, all the chicks on that show are hot. There are some good looking men on the show too and I know that women love Eric. I get that. I get why they like Eric. I’m not blind. I get it. I really don’t get the Bill thing though. I get that Bill is the main love interest and all, but he looks like he has down syndrome half the time. And that sounds insensitive, but I’m just surprised that many women have a fetish towards the looks of a man who have down syndrome. There are plenty of men with down syndrome who would be more than willing to recite lines from True Blood as poorly as Bill does. Oh man, he is the worst actor on that show. To me he sounds like a man who is fighting back the urge to have violent diarrhea at all times. Like he understands the conversation he is in is important and he needs to have it, but soon as the dialogue stops he will sprint to a bathroom and demolish it with his wretchedness.

So, back to Rutina for a second. HOT. She has this really sexy sinewy body that looks like it should be perpetually rubbed down with glistening oils. And at the same time, she has this adorable naive face. I want to see her sonic boom Bill’s fucking head off.


The Hammster! And his hot wife. Damn it! I forgot her name. I think I’ve mentioned her as well before. Hot blonde wife who made a movie where she is a lesbian making out with a hot brunette throughout most of the movie. Best wife ever. Jon Hamm and Hugh Jackman must be related. They both play all balls men on screen and then off screen they are twinkle toes fairies. Why is that? I have no idea. Actually, my theory is they use so much of their testosterone to play these manly roles on screen that off screen all they have left is estrogen seeping into those gaps the testosterone is supposed to fill.

Also, Don Draper wears lifts. Did anyone watch Mad Men? Besides Elisabeth Moss getting nekkid, there were a couple scenes in a row where Don Draper was Manute Bol (RIP) tall. He towered like Gandalf over the hobbits in the show. It is quite the accusation to say that The Hammster is wearing lifts in his shoes to be Don Draper, but it is more of an accusation to imagine that the people at Mad Men strategically dig holes for the other characters to stand in when talking to Don Draper. Unless Jon Hamm’s wife is 6’8″ then Don Draper is wearing platforms.


Hot. I don’t know who she is and I don’t know if I’ve ever seen her before, but right now I want to have sex with her. That’s how a man’s brain works. It’s that simple. This unknown female’s dress reminds me of the high plains and days of cowboys. I just looked her up. She’s from Glee, so she can sing too. She’s also from Georgia, so this blonde southern belle look is even more appropriate. Also, I’m not The Situation and I won’t just get vodka and parliament ultra light cigarette drunk and dry hump her until she calls the cops or comes back to my shore house with me (although I do secretly wish that was life). I would be a gentleman and take her out to a mid-range eatery. Maybe a nice seafood dinner, maybe a stroll through the streets of New York City, maybe a play, and then maybe the drunk dry humping. You know – classy.


I fucking hate Kyra Sedgwick…’s show The Closer. Fuck it. I’ll never meet Kyra Sedgwick. I hate her. I hate her because she is the main character of a fucking terrible show and she is terrible as that main character and she wins awards and when she wins those awards she gives shit speeches that end with her calling Kevin Bacon “Kev” and quoting him as saying “let’s all be good to each other” as if he is the fucking Dali Lama. Fuck I hate The Closer. And if you’re sitting there thinking to yourself, “well Jordan and I could never get along and I should stop reading his blog because I like The Closer.” First of all, The Closer fucking sucks. Second of all, my parents watch The Closer and we still get along. I still call them and so forth. I mean every second of that show they watch I lose more respect for them, but I’ve told them that and they don’t seem to care because that is what The Closer has done to their brains. Also, they gave Kyra an A with this dress. Fuck that. Fuck that again. It looks like corduroy or shag carpet. Fuck I hate that show.


A+. A+ for both of them. A+ for them separately as well. Probably the funniest couple out there or at the very least at that awards show. They should be given an award for being crazy funny and not getting an award for it. Will Arnet should have gotten that award for guest star on a comedy show that NPH, Neal Patrick Harris, got. Will has appeared on 30 Rock a bazillion times more than NPH did on Glee. I should mention Amy Poehler as well. She looks great and her show is too funny. Parks and Recreations is criminally underrated. I would say their last season was funnier and better than The Office. And I’m pretty sure, Parks got pushed to mid-season replacement. Life is just not fair.


I love January Jones. I love her name and I love how beautiful her human body looks. Yahoo did not like this dress and I would like to agree with them if it weren’t for the fact that January Jones could look hot wearing anything. So fuck you Yahoo. She looks powerful. I feel like her vibrant blue dress may or may not be made of an alien substance like the Venom symbiote from the Spider Man comics. January Jones sounds like a superhero’s name, so she may have superhuman powers. I think we all know that the only way to settle this is if January Jones and Rutina from True Blood wrestle in a kiddy pool full of whip cream. I think that is the only sensible way to solve this.


Ty Burrell and his lucky ass wife. Yahoo did not like either of these people’s outfits and, again, fuck you Yahoo. Ty Burrell is more talented than all of the people at Yahoo cut and sewn together into a Frankenstein’s monster of not as talentedness. And his wife (Holly?), is a good woman who recognized a good man when she saw one.


Hot. I know she is the main chick from Glee. She looks amazing nowadays. She definitely started working out like a fiend once she started seeing herself on TV because now she looks like a fitness model. I thought she was sexy before, but now she’s got a Baywatch body. If we want to cure this obesity problem in America then just give fat people TV shows. All of them. Not reality shows, but shows with narrative and storylines and scripts. They’ll lose the weight quick. This girl didn’t need to lose weight, but after being on TV for a few weeks she clearly started getting into marathon running shape. Congratulations to her for getting into amazing shape, although she didn’t need to in my opinion.


Jesus! She’s not Jesus. I meant “Jesus” like “Fuck”, which is weird those exclamations are synonymous in my mind. Again, no idea who she is, but I want to do things to her that are not allowed to be shown on Two and a Half Men, but are liberally referenced in double entendre. This mysterious prettiness I would imagine could walk on water. Maybe not in that dress though. I would guess the dress weighs more than she does, so when nude I would bet she just kind of hovers above the ground including water. I have a feeling she doesn’t communicate in an audible language. She more or less communicates with an ancient form of telepathy that was how we all communicated prior to learning to speak. Her tiny bones and muscles are too weak to inhale and exhale and move in succession to form the sounds necessary that we perceive as talking. It is more in her eyes and subtle smiles. Also, you do not touch her; she touches you.


KILLER! I love these two. I have never seen a picture of Neal Patrick Harris and his Ken doll fuck doll boy friend that I wasn’t a fan of. The two of them look perfect together. Was it a huge surprise to find out that Neal Patrick Harris and/or Doogie Howser was gay? No. Not that big of a deal. Was it a huge surprise that Neal Patrick Harris and/or Doogie Howser would be Abercrombie & Fitch gay? Yes. This pose is like “Boom! We do it.” They look like gay comic book heroes. They are a living “Ambiguously Gay Duo” except it ain’t “Ambiguous”. It’s a brash gayness I can root for. People nowadays want to have that balls confidence in a suit the way the characters on Mad Men do, but no one really pulls it off in real life. These two do and they do it together and they do each other. It is like they are harnessing their superiority in suits in their gay coupleness. Like the Green Lantern. He had a power ring. But there were other power rings out there. And Green Lantern eventually got all the power rings and in doing so it multiplied his powers into being a God. So, that’s what genius doctor boy Doogie Howser has become in his open gay lifestyle wearing suits with this other guy who may or may not have been genetically engineered in a lab as NPH’s perfect Robin companion.

And I’m spent.

Well, hello there.

Continuing with previous posts’ themes that The Jersey Shore is the greatest television show on television – last night’s episode feature a brief look at next week’s episode and let’s just say….



Oh man! She is pissed! Seemingly, the alpha-female in the house J-Woww is challenged for the throne by Sammi Sweetheart. Now Sammi has never shown any previous fighting ability, but clearly all that latent power has stored up for one furious outburst. My educated guess is that Sammi continues to push inside the house about who wrote the “note” and she and everyone with half a brain (Ronnie) must know it was Snooki and J-Woww. I would also imagine that Sammi more or less gets back with Ronnie and J-Woww shows her displeasure in this. Anyway, there is heatedness in the Miami house, which turns into a confrontation when J-Woww gets into Sammi’s face. I will say this – Sammi is tall and the only person in the house from New Jersey, so J-Woww may have bit off more than she can chew.

From the preview, it appears that J-Woww pushes Sammi in the face, which unleashes immediately unleashes Sammi’s adrenaline. Her bitchy, I sleep all day and now I’m going to use all that reserve energy to kill a bitch, don’t mess with my hair extensions, I hate you already because I’m a woman and you have much bigger boobs than me, I am so angry all the time because I’m in love with a moron who cheats on me named Ronnie and I can’t hit him because he seems like the type who blacks out and could hit a woman and if he hit me he’d crush my skull – just anger comes out in this photo. Dawgz has said she looks like the stereotypical Disney witch in this picture. I, on the other hand, think she looks like a lioness and have never been more attracted to her than at this moment. Also, you can see slightly down her shirt.


Cocked and ready to fucking rock! This is not going to be some girl punch. This is going to be a real punch with velocity in it. Punching has a lot more to do with body movement than your arms and Sammi looks like she is throwing everything she has into that punch. Immediately, I have to say that any and all training J-Woww has had to be a fighter has been thrown out the window in this moment. Clearly, J-Woww should be shooting for the double leg takedown right now, but clearly isn’t. Snooki’s screaming and being caught in the middle is just magnifique – if that is how you spell that. Why is Snooki always in the middle of situations she really shouldn’t be in. If there is a single punch thrown in the zip code she is in then somehow she is right next to that punch. This picture also proves even further that Snooki is useless. She can’t even get in the middle properly to break up this situation. And speaking of, where the hell is the Situation? No where to be seen in these pictures. I’m thinking he is with the rest of the guys to the side just watching – which is exactly where they should be! They have been waiting for this cat fight longer than I have, so they’re not going to ruin it. Plus I think it should be perfectly clear to everyone that the Sitch is many things, but none of them are being a fighter.


BOOM! It looks like she got it! I fucking love it. I don’t think this is a knockout blow, but I would imagine this fight is broken up by that mysterious hand coming in from the left hand side of the screen a second later. I’m really interested to see what impact the punch had, but whether it did a lot or no damage – it looked like a well thrown punch on Sammi’s toughest opponent in the house, so she should be proud about that. Up until this moment on the show, I have continuously thought that Sammi is a worthless member of the house. In the first episode of the show she was ok, but since then it has been downhill. But now she is punching chicks and that is a valuable commodity for all television shows to have. I cannot wait for next week’s Jersey Shore. I’m already hedging my bets that they’ll show the punch with a minute remaining in the episode and we’ll have to wait another week for the fallout. Either way, who gives a fuck!?! The rest of last night’s episode was funny too. The scene with Vinny explaining to Ronnie about the note under his breath with hand signals. FUCKING GOLD! To begin with, Vinny snapping his fingers to get Ron’s attention was fucking priceless.

I was initially worried deep down in the recesses of my mind that the second season of the Jersey Shore wouldn’t be able to live up to the first season – well, it is doing a good job right now. A good fucking job.


Have you seen Midnight Cowboy? If so, what did you think of it? If not, why not?

Yes, I have seen Midnight Cowboy. I’m a little disappointed that I do not get the answer “if not, why not” because I feel like that is either a philosophical explosion waiting to happen or a delve into the psyche of a man who has associated Midnight Cowboy with some trauma in their life that they have specifically made the point not to see it or the person could be lazy. Nevertheless, I have seen Midnight Cowboy. I thought it was pretty great and at the same time just OK. The acting was excellent and the scenes where something was happening in them were great, but if I feel like really answering your question and being critical the movie kind of just ends. Now all of a sudden they’re going to Florida and Dustin Hoffman’s dead. He wasn’t the healthiest man, but boom dead and boom credits. Kind of random. Also, you don’t see Dustin Hoffman for a decent stretch and then you’re back with him and he’s dead on a bus. I’m not sure what the point of his character was. There are people in New York City who are so poor that they just die from malnutrition or some unknown sickness and that is embodied by Dustin Hoffman? If I had to say, what I thought the point of the movie was then I guess I would say how daunting New York City is, but that wasn’t really what the movie was entirely about. Don’t get me wrong – it is a great movie. It has ties to a lot of indie movies where they are shot great, acted great, have some really interesting scenes, and if I had to say what the point of the movie was and did they give me a plot with an arc that made sense then I’d might hesitantly say “no”.

The one thing I found very surprising about the movie when I saw it for the first time was Dustin Hoffman’s famed “I’m walking here!” moment that people love to quote. It is literally a moment like a split second. I don’t think if I saw that movie in the theaters when it came out that I would have clung to that line as the most quotable line from the movie. Especially when there is a lot of great dialogue and moments during the party scenes and other scenes.

Will you please write a fictional post about the love connection that occurs when Bristol Palin and Mike “The Situation” share the dance floor?

This I could probably have fun with, but I don’t want to half ass it right this minute. So, if you could remind me, I’ll try writing this next week.

Lastly, will you and Dawgz be relocating to the Trump buliding in beautiful Jersey City?

Nope. Although Dawgz and I are relocating, it won’t be to there. The Dawgz and I will be separating soon. Him taking a step closer to legally bonding fidelity. And myself? Well, I’m not sure where I’m going. I need to make the decision sooner or later, hopefully something strikes out and makes my next move that more an obvious decision.

As for this weekend!?!

I think you all should watch the UFC 118: Penn vs. Edgar II. I know I will be. It will be the first UFC pay-per-view in awhile that I will be watching in the sanctity of my home, which I’m looking forward to.

Outside of that, I hope you all have a great weekend. I’ll see you next week.

Today will be a potpourri of subjects. Subjects that no one expected to be apart of a potpourri. A potpourri that truly stretches the meaning of a word designed to allow for miscellaneousness. A miscellaneousness that will feature television shows, movies, and my life. My life is being haunted by a noise. This noise is the most horrible noise I have heard. I have heard some horrible noises in my day. That day was the summer of Junior year of college and awoken to what was previously the most horrible noise I have heard. The heard noise was my friend part sleeping, part snoring, part almost throwing up, and part peeing himself. He was attempting to pee on a wall inside, but it his drunken state could not unzip his pants all the way. Not getting the zipper all the way down caused his weenus to stay in his pants. Not only did his weenus stay in his pants, but so did the urine that was escaping from it. What also escaped was the phlegm and vomit combo from drinking and smoking cigarettes all night. It was not night, it was morning. Early morning. That morning I thought that was the worst noise I had ever heard. What I heard this morning was very different in variety and not human.

The noise, which reverberated through the Jersey City streets for 3 hours this morning, sounded like one of these two if not both:

1. A newly married couple’s getaway car, which is in fact a Grave Digger-esque monster truck of death, which has a million human size aluminum cans trailing behind the truck connected by a chain of razor wire.

2. A demon grinding the souls of the damned into a fine frothy puree for some nutrient enriched breakfast shake to start said demon’s day off right.

What was the noise?

I’m not sure what the name of it is. It’s purpose was to smooth out a newly filled pothole on the street outside my apartment. It looked like a lawnmower and was apparently powered by tin cans and the butchering of the eternal spirits of evil human beings. I did not stop to ask the user of this machine if it had a name because:

1. I wasn’t going to say, “What is the name of this thing that is making the most wretched fucking noise ever? I need to know because I write some blog that a bunch of ladies on the internet read or I guess used to read. I mean, they probably still read it, but find me less amusing than they used to, so they don’t read it every day. Also, there are some guys I guess that read it too. But it seems like mostly women. They proposed marriage to me and like most marriages after all this time we’ve spent together they’ve grown bored of me. I think they’re cheating on me with some other new younger male blogger. I don’t know. Maybe I should change something. Get a new haircut or a new layout for the website, but won’t they see the charade? It’s still going to be me. Who am I kidding? It was never meant to last. We all come from such different worlds. Do they hold a grudge that I didn’t see Eclipse? Probably not, they never seem to care when I actually write about that stuff either. Woe is me, I guess. Oh, right – what’s the name of that horrible sounding gas powered machine that sounds like the Devil orgasming you are using and probably getting paid shit to use for 3 hours?”

2. I was concerned that the operator of the machine was a “deathless one” and he would have stared into my eyes and made me poop myself out of fear for the pit of horrors he would open into my mind’s eye.

Let’s just move on.

Angelina Jolie


I was thinking of doing a whole post dedicated to Angelina Jolie, but I got hung up on the awful noise I heard this morning and now do not have the time to get really in depth about Angelina Jolie’s movie career. There is news that Angelina Jolie, which I can only and always do say her full name, is being considered for some movie – shocking, right? The movie is about some woman who killed two cops and serves 15 years in jail and when she is released someone tries to kill her. Whatever. Besides that being a subject matter that I couldn’t care less about, it seems like another movie where Angelina Jolie will be playing a fairly normal human female.

Angelina Jolie does not look like a regular female human.

Angelina Jolie looks like a member of a superior alien race or an evolved human from the future.


I’m not saying that killing cops and going to jail is normal, but the sub-story of the movie isn’t that she time traveled from the 30th century to the 21st century to kill a couple cops and then her time travel pod somehow got damaged, so she stays in the 21st century and serves the 15 years in jail and when she gets out of jail someone targets her for revenge before she can make the repairs on her time machine and leave the 21st century to go back to her own time. First of all, that is a better movie than the bullshit was originally and now it would be an appropriate vehicle for Ms. Angelina Jolie.

Basically, Angelina Jolie does not look like someone you would ever run into at a Starbucks. Some movies are about people who are just ordinary people that have extraordinary things happen to them. Some movies are the extraordinary have extraordinary things happen to them. Angelina Jolie needs to stick to the latter and not the former. She does not look like some suburban person. That’s not to say there are not beautiful suburban people. But most suburban people do not look like they may have mental telepathy abilities like Angelina Jolie does. If tomorrow you read in the newspaper that Angelina Jolie has the super human ability to fly – you would be shocked, but you would be a lot more shocked if Jason Biggs could fly. You would be far less shocked if you read that Angelina Jolie had any and all of Superman’s super powers.


If I was in control of Angelina Jolie’s career, I would try to convince her that us spooning from the hours of 2pm – 6pm everyday was just as good as yoga and meditating and so forth. As far as her movie choices, she should only be playing characters that are super heroes/villains, from the future, aliens (different planet, universe or plane of existence), super models (they kind of all look like evolved humans anyway), or animated characters (she has a good voice).

Let me give an example of bad casting for Angelina Jolie – The Good Shepherd. It is a slow and long movie, but a good one. Angelina Jolie is not in it much, but she was terribly cast in this movie. It is a movie that follows Matt Damon’s character from college during the mid 20th century into early spy and espionage work during the inception of the C.I.A. Angelina Jolie’s character is the sister of Matt Damon’s college friend. So, Matt Damon is at a college reunion more or less and it just so happens his white as white can be friend’s sister is Angelina Jolie. WRONG. So we’re saying this guy, this nothing special, dime a dozen silver spoon white guy and Angelina Jolie both were concocted with the same soupy DNA mess from the same married couple? WRONG. Angelina Jolie does not look like just some guy’s sister. And even better, no one during the movie is like THAT’S YOUR SISTER! HOLY EFF! Eventually, Damon is almost forced into having sex with Angelina Jolie (so WRONG that it doesn’t make any sense) and then he ends up having to marry her because she gets knocked up in the process of the forced sex. Then the rest of the movie, Damon is all pissed he has to come home to Angelina Jolie. Just WRONG.


In the movie Changeling, Angelina Jolie played a completely normal and unspectacular pre-stock market crash mother. What? No one during the Great Depression looked like Angelina Jolie. No one now looks like her. So bad casting. In the movie Wanted, Angelina Jolie plays a superhuman secret agent who can control the direction a bullet goes once it is fired and her job is to kill people that will change the destiny of the world for the worse. Good casting. I buy that. I buy that that is actually what Angelina Jolie does day to day. If someone edited out all of James McAvoy’s parts in that movie and kept all of Angelina Jolie’s scenes intact and told me it was a documentary then I would completely buy that.

Angelina Jolie is trekking around the world nabbing poor kids and raising them under lock and key in some “We are the world” style compound in California? Sure. She probably knows what she is doing seeing as her alien race’s planet comes from a future where war does not exist and everyone speaks a million languages including being able to communicate with simple beeps and boops from robots. So, let her have all the kids. Madonna is doing the same thing? What!?! Tell that bitch to quit ruining Guy Ritchie’s career, make a new dance song for me to listen to at the bars and to leave the kids to Angelina Jolie and her extraterrestrial master race. Ok!?!


In conclusion, Angelina Jolie needs to be in more science fiction and fantasy movies that may or may definitely feature her wearing leather. She wears leather very well.

As far as television goes…

I’ve been watching Top Chef again recently. I don’t watch it all the time, but I end up watching some of it every once and awhile. Besides how gorgeous Padma is, two things that never get old:

1. Gail Simmons’ boobs.

2. The opening credits of WANTING IT.

I’ve talked about Gail Simmons and her boobs before and oddly enough it is one of the most searched terms to find this website. People want to know more about her boobs. She is on this season every once and awhile, but she does have a show of her own starting up and I’m almost tempted to watch it just to see how her boobs are doing. Sadly, in the advertisement for the show she is covering those bad girls up. Damn you, Gail! Let them out. Let them out for America.


The opening credits of Top Chef is always hysterical. They show each competitor and for some reason they usually try and make it sexy. The person is taking off their chef jacket or looks at the camera like they want IT. The girls usually are throwing their hair around. These people cook, right? This isn’t a fashion show about cooking, right? Not to say these people are attractive or unattractive, but it is completely unnecessary for the beginning of the show to have a want IT roll call. Of course, there are some people who have been on Top Chef who are good looking like Amanda


And she wants IT. She seemingly wants IT more than she can cook well because she got kicked off the show. They should give her a prize for wanting IT though. So, yeah – I was watching Top Chef when I wrote this post.

Questions for Friday.

No Guest Post Wednesday!

August 25, 2010

“Play with each other and yourselves….. arrrrrrrr” – Bisexual Pirate Exhibitionist


She wants IT.

I love professional tackle football in America. I love the NFL. I love it. And the more I love this beautiful sport and the organization for it, the more I have to love everyone who participates in it. When I was younger, I hated certain teams and hated certain players. But as I’ve grown up, I just really love football so much that I have a hard time not finding something great in all the teams and the players for those teams. I’m the Thich Nhat Hanh of football fans. There are some players out there who make it really really really easy for me to like them even if they are not on my team (the Pittsburgh mother fucking Steelers). And this player I’m thinking of in particular is actually on the rival team of my team. The thing is, he is so damn likable. He is funny, charismatic, great with his fans, and, what matter’s most, a great football player. I’m talking about one of the most genuinely entertaining athletes en el mundo:

Chad Ochocinco


That isn’t a nickname, that’s the dude’s name. Formerly Chad Johnson, Chad Ochocinco primarily is a wide-receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals. But Chad has many other names, like Esteban, and outlets, like twitter and ustream. Many of you probably know him best, sadly, for his stint on Dancing with the Stars. Most importantly, Chad has his own dating reality show on Vh1 entitled Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch. I had heard that Chad was getting his own reality show and it would be on Vh1, very similar to a co-worker, wide-receiver, and now Cincinnati Bengal – Terrell Owens. I don’t watch Terrell’s show. I am not interested in seeing him meandering around his life having fake conversations over meals like on The Hills. But when I heard that Ochocinco’s show would be a competition dating show! OH MY GOD! I was so fucking excited.

I have gotten into two dating shows: For the Love of Ray J and Bret Micheal’s Rock of Love Bus. The one thing that I really loved about those shows was that you could see how seriously those two were taking the show. Ray J seemed too young to have a dating show and the show almost appeared like it was the wildest arranged marriage ever. I felt that he was fully ready to marry who won this show while the show was taping at least. As for Bret, I just loved the moment of clarity every once and awhile that Bret would have like “these are the women that every one in the world thinks are for me and that is scary because they are probably right”. That bit of seriousness, that bit of actual reality is what made me love the shows and I had a feeling Chad was going to have that as well. Now, I have Chad Ochocinco trying to find “love” with these women and there definitely is that bit of seriousness that I was hoping for.


As mentioned, Chad Ochocinco is a professional football player. He is a current player. He isn’t a “was player” he is an “is player”. They shot this show before training camp started. If you haven’t noticed, professional football is as serious as war. Most likely because it appears that any man can die on any given play. It is a crazy violent sport of 11 on 11 fighting with a ball. Chad has a day job, so this is hobby or his downtime activity. Have you ever picked up a new activity and you weren’t that prepared for it and the next thing you know it gets real serious and encompasses your life and now you are in conflict because wasn’t this all supposed to be a fun new hobby? Well, I think that is exactly what this television show is for Ochocinco.

The point of today’s post is that Chad has narrowed down to the final four: Tara, Rubi, Tiphani, and Brittany. I fully understand that this show was taped earlier this year and unless there is an unmentioned live season finale where he chooses the girl then he has already made his choice. I get that. But I don’t care. I’m going to go through these four choices (strengths/weaknesses) and, ultimately, make a decision on who I think would be best for Chad. Who to start with? Well, Chad was gracious enough to literally rank the women (1-16), so let’s go worst to first –

Brittany (rank 11)


What do we know about Brittany? She is 22, has a kid, has an ex-husband, body like a pornstar… her body is like a pornstar’s body, not her ex-husband’s. Well, I’ve never met her ex-husband, so it could be pornstar like. Nevertheless, Brittany has big fake boobs, small waist, nice butt and she’s mighty tan. “Mighty” tan like Jersey Shore tan, like her tanness could have super powers. Twice on the show, Chad has had to make the decision between Brittany and another girl and instead kept both Brittany and the other girl. The first time he did that was when she was matched up against Tiphani (up next) and Chad broke his own game show rules doing so. This means that Chad definitely has some connection with Brittany over most of the other girls – he really doesn’t want to see this girl go.

The Good and The Bad. Brittany does seem into Chad. That is a definite positive. She gave Chad a strip tease recently, and that’s a positive. Having a lady in your life who likes to give strip teases and has the body of a lady you would normally have to pay to give you those strip teases is a positive. I’m not sure if this is a real positive or a theoretical positive, but Chad has multiple kids and Brittany has a kid, which means Brittany is used to dealing with kids. Chad does need a woman who is comfortable around kids because he has 4 of them I think. Brittany also comes across as genuine when she’s on the show. This does not seem like a made-up personality. Reason being? Brittany does not come across all that bright. I don’t know if she is smart enough to pull off a facade personality all the time. Where do I get this idea? Well, in every episode Brittany mentions being “confused” about something. In every episode there is at least one scene (a couple in some episodes) where she says she doesn’t know what is going on, literally confused or something of the like. That is bad news. I don’t think Chad wants to live his life having to explain to Brittany every half hour what the hell is going on. “What’s going on?” “Baby, I told you a minute ago we are going to dinner with my boy, Bernard Berrian aka B-Twice.” “But I’m confused. You two don’t play on the same team. Why?” “Bitch, I told you! All wide receivers are best friends! Just get into the damn car in your stripper clothes!”


Conclusion. I don’t like Brittany for Chad. She’s honest and doesn’t seem to be the type who will try to steal his spotlight, and she gives lap dances with her stripper body. Good things. Brittany says she is independent, but being confused all the time leads to dependency. Also, she did admits she needs a lot of attention. And a girl with big fake boobs and a tan like the surface of Mars, I bet needs A LOT of attention. Outside of any physical connection – I don’t see this being a match for Chad.

Tiphani (rank 6)


What do we know about Tiphani? For one I hate how she spells her name. I have to get that out of the way because I do like Tiphani, but I HATE this spelling. “T-i” that works; “p-h” uh… I’m not into it, but a “ph” does make the “f” sound needed for this name; “a-n” ok that makes sense; “i” AHHHHH it burns! Anyway, Tiphani is tall. Tiphani is so tall that she would automatically defeat the other three girls in any basketball game no matter how many points they spot the other girl. Tiphani is an athlete. As Dawgz has said to me “she looks like a track-chick” and that is because she is a “track-chick”. Tiphani is supposedly a decorated track runner. Also, Tiphani is from Philadelphia, which has to be mentioned because I love Philly. Anyway, Tiphani is long and lean and has shown that she can get along with Ochocinco both physically and mentally. Also, Tiphani is one of the very few on the TV show who doesn’t have a job solely based around her appearance. Tiphani is a “booking agent” and not just a model like most of the girls are.

The Good and The Bad. Early on, Chad told Tiphani that they were in the “friend zone” dunh DunH DUNH! But in the last episode, Tiphani and 85 were rolling around his hotel bed making out and eating chocolate covered strawberries. I mean that was something my friends and I did when we were like sophomores in college for ish and giggs, but after college that is more than friends territory. Clearly, the two have a physical connection now. But Chad was worried because Tiphani was drunk when she did that (aren’t they all?). Tiphani took half a dozen shots of tequila at dinner and the bed activity was post dinner. I’ll say this – it may take Tiphani some tequila shots to get “comfortable” to make out with Chad for the first time while she is competing on a reality show with cameras around and she just met Chad like 17 days earlier. I tend to doubt it will take all that much if none of that extracurricular stuff was around like a sound crew and a cameraman. Another positive and negative, is that Tiphani has dated professional athletes before. Positive is obvious – she knows what she is getting into. Negative – well… how many? who? when? There could be a weird situation if Ocho is at a pro-bowl party and Tennessee Titans’ running back Chris Johnson is like “Hey, Tiph. It’s been awhile.” And Chad’s like “What the fuck!?! You dated Chris Johnson!? I know he’s the best running back in the league, but DAMN the dude looks like Lil’ Wayne on steroids!” Lastly, Tiphani does have her own job, which she says she can do anywhere with a laptop and a cell phone. Chad definitely needs a woman with independence considering he is gone for stretches of time and for at least 17 weeks out of the year he will be a banged up guy from playing professional tackle football. At the same time, Chad is going to need a woman who is there for him when he is there and is Tiphani “too” independent. Is Tiphani ready for Chad’s 4 kids? There are big question marks.


Conclusion. I really like Tiphani for Ochocinco. She is younger than Chad, but not a decade younger like Brittany. I think Tiphani’s strong suit is that she is an athlete and has dated athletes. Tiphani should have the most experience with the life that Chad is trying to lead and she should understand that the best. I can picture the two of them going out for morning jogs with each other and talking injuries and recovery plans together. She isn’t the petite with big boobs body like the rest of the girls, which I think helps her stand out. She’s like a gazelle. A gazelle that looks nothing like a gazelle. Have you ever seen a gazelle? She’s a toned and slender, whole milk coffee, with long raven black hair. My doubts with Tiphani are mostly around her timidness. She seems nervous a lot. I don’t know if that is just because of the TV show cameras or that she literally just met Chad or the other women always being around, but Tiphani needs to be a lot more assure of herself to be with Chad. If not, then he’ll just be another pro-athlete she once dated.

Tara (rank 2)


What do we know about Tara? What has been said about fictional Mean Girls character Regina George that hasn’t also been said about Tara? Not much. It is one thing to try and act in real life like a character from a movie (like myself and Blade) and it is another thing entirely to pull it off (exactly like myself and Blade). Tara looks like a California blonde and guess what? She is a California blonde from San Diego. She currently lives in Las Vegas, which means she has most likely taken her clothes off for money. I’ve been to Las Vegas a few times and believe me it is very difficult to spend any more than 10 hours there without taking your clothes off for money. Besides that, Tara also has the pornstar looks appeal. She is petite, she big lips, big fake boobs, a nice butt and she does joke about sex a good deal. And believe me she does “joke” a lot (I’ll get to that in a second). We know she has a sister, no kids, and is a “model”.

The Good and The Bad. The jokes! She is a joker. Tara is very sarcastic and says ridiculous things and, again, just think Regina George. Regina is funny in Mean Girls. The real Mean Girls thing stems from Tara creating her own clique in the house with former castmates Laurice and Erika. These two followed her around exactly like Lacey Chabret and Amanda Seyfried. They actually even kind of looked like them too proportionally. This means that Tara is smart, but she uses that smartness for evil. That is sexy and all, but if we were talking about looking for “Ms. Right” for Ochocino, I’m not sure that is a quality he’ll want. She does make him laugh though. She says a lot of cutting one-liners, which can be cute every once and a while, but all the time it will become a turn off. Also, let’s be honest – this chick looks like she was made specifically for sex and if she says anything even remotely cute then I and any other male would smile and laugh our asses off about it just for a chance with her. Sarah Silverman is funny and hot and when I mean funny – she is really funny like I own her stand-up comedy DVD and watched her show funny. Tara is funny like her eyes and lips and tiny body and big boobs hypnotize the listener into being in such a good mood just looking at her that whatever she says will illicit a positive reaction because you just want to keep looking at her. So, that’s all good for Chad if all he wants is “fuck toy” looks. The bad is about everything else. They keep saying she isn’t being “serious” on the show. That’s their buzzword for Tara – “serious”. In the last episode, Chad had the girls talk to his sports psychologist and Tara didn’t take that seriously either. In all fairness to her, I agreed with her comment that she wasn’t just going to open up to some psychologist that she just met 5 minutes ago and just because she is “supposed” to. I get that. But at the same time she doesn’t open up to anyone on the show. Tara never even opens up to Chad and, in all honesty, never looks like she is into Chad. She seems way more concerned about winning the show than making a connection with Chad. She never has said why she likes Chad and I’m pretty certain she is the only one who hasn’t made out with Chad. There are two reasons I can come up with: 1. She just isn’t into Chad and is there to win to get famous and pretending to like some rich and in incredible shape famous athlete isn’t the worst thing in the world. 2. Maybe if she walks like a duck, talks like a duck and looks like a duck – she isn’t the coke loving blonde stripper slut that many think she is. Maybe just maybe, she isn’t in “love” with Ochocinco and ready to make out with him on TV or is even comfortable with him because she just met the dude. I get that she joined a reality show to “fall in love” with him, but what if the real reality is that that just doesn’t happen and she might need more time or not a camera crew around her. Maybe she does like him, but maybe she doesn’t just go down on a guy she just met because he is ripped and in shape and has money and is willing to let her go down on him.


Conclusion. Well, I don’t like Tara for Chad. If Ochocinco is supposed to choose a girl based on what she has shown on the television show and not the the theoretical scenarios I built in the above paragraph then Tara isn’t the girl. She’s hot, but that’s kind of where it ends. She makes Chad laugh, but even he is getting tired of the jokes. It is hard to tell the difference between sincere and insincere when you are the person affected and you like that other person or are trying to like that other person. But as a third party viewer in all this, Tara always seems more concerned with her opponents than with her connection with Ocho. Whatever the reason is for this (good or bad) it is not good for Ochocinco if he is looking for his best match and not just who can win a game show. I hope in the next episode Ochocinco sits down with Tara and asks her why she likes him, why she wants to be with him. Point blank. If she doesn’t give a good answer then that should be it completely.

Rubi (rank 1)


What do we know about Rubi? Rubi is beautiful. She is like a miniature Eva Mendes. She is the closest in age to Ochocinco, she likes to dance, she likes to sing, likes to cook, comes from a big family et cetera et cetera. Not that there is anything wrong with her being a stereotypical Rosie Perez character because that’s why they make those characters – they’re great. She’s Puerto Rican and immediately starts salsa dancing with Ochocinco. Of course, who wouldn’t have guessed that? Stereotypes are not always bad things people. I’m white as white can be and grew up angry in the suburbs being a liberal, so of-fucking-course I have all the Wu-Tang albums on my iphone and I can quote every episode of The Chappelle Show – stereotypical! Rubi is a model and wants to be a singer. And, of course, she is a brunette Shakira and sings in Spanish.

The Good and The Bad. The good is a lot of what I said up above. First and foremost, the mofo named himself “Ochocinco”, so do you want to guess he has a thing for the Hispanics? Of-fucking-course! He likes soccer, he calls himself Esteban Ochocinco, he talks in Spanish sometimes and I think he has said he is part Spanish or he may have been joking, but who cares. Anyway, Chad is definitely into Latin chicas. And why the fuck not!?! Chad was on Dancing with the Stars so Rubi would work well because she likes to dance and clearly he likes to dance. There is a double edged sword with her entertainment career aspirations. I think it is good that she would want to get involved in the entertainment world because he is definitely in that world. He needs a woman not shy about cameras or being on TV. The bad would be that she is just using him for her own personal gains. That is a worry. A lot of the girls on the show talk about how she sings all the time and that is because she wants to get a recording contract out of the show and not Chad. Well, it could be that. It could also be that she is bored to tears sitting around a house all day with no computer, phone, TV or people she has known for more than a few days and, at the same time, she wants to be a singer so she should probably practice singing instead of going several weeks without doing it. She doesn’t have kids and she doesn’t have any experience dating a professional athlete. Those can be seen as both good and bad as shown earlier in the post. The two of them definitely have a lot of physical chemistry as they spent 5 minutes making out in the second to last episode. But they’ve proven they have little to talk about. I don’t know if that is the worst thing in the world because they’ll have stuff to talk about when she isn’t trapped in a reality TV show house all day and he isn’t off dating other girls. Usually people talk about shared experiences or what you’ve been up to. “Hey, did you like that movie we just saw, Rubi?” And then Rubi can answer and they talk about the movie. That definitely is a bad thing though that they don’t have much to talk about.


Conclusion. I like Rubi for Chad… for right now. The two of them could work out, but I feel like Rubi is similar to a lot of girls Chad has dated. She’s hot and a model and there isn’t anything that connects them besides that. Ochocinco meets a lot of hot models, so what really is the tie that binds them. Is Rubi ready for Chad having 4 kids? Who knows? I think Rubi is the one that Chad could immediately have a relationship with from day one, but will end much like his others. She’s beautiful, she seems honest, she has a soothing voice, she sings, she dances, she seems easy going and she seems like she is digging Chad’s stuff. But she doesn’t know football, she doesn’t know him.



So, what does this all mean? I am crazy for putting this much thought into a television show where there is a 99% chance whoever won the show already is already not with Chad. But what’s the point of looking at it that way? That’s cynicism for the sake of cynicism and is hypocritical because there are millions of girls in love with shimmering vampires. Anyway, I think Tiphani is the best match for Chad, but she’s kind of the safe bet. An athlete going out with another athlete. Rubi is the next best match for Chad and she is a very alluring choice because she is more exotic. A singer/model going out with an athlete.

In reality, I want Chad Ochocinco to go out with Jennifer Aniston. I think Jennifer is looking for a good looking, successful, younger man who is built like a brick shit house, wants kids and is assertive. Chad is that. The dude has 4 kids, so she can mess around with his kids, plus I bet he is not against knocking up Jen.


If I was a Hollywood producer I would make a Blindside sequel with Jen and Ochocinco in it and they’ll hook up and fall in love and then I would share “best man” duties at the wedding with Bernard Berrian. B-Twice!


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