KSWI Guest Blogger Wednesday: KT Edition

August 4, 2010

Editor’s note: Thank you, KT. Thank you with all my heart. Whatever heart I have left from living a Kimbo Slice free existence for the past 3 months. Oh Kimbo! Where are you? Your gold toothy smiles warmed the blood in my veins. Your burly black beard kept me safe from the wind and rains. Your stories about “the hood” nourished me back to a healthy frame. I am running out of rhymes for this delightful game. I hope you all enjoy today’s post by KT and if you out there would like to guest post – please contact me at jordankswi@gmail.com . I was going to cliche-ly coo “I don’t bite”, but is that what is really stopping any of you from guest posting or emailing me? Me biting you? Seems very presumptive on your part that that is my main objective if you converse with me for any period of time. Write a guest post, it’s fun and I’ve heard it is a great source of Vitamin D, so that’s good.

The Vibra Vault. The Buff Box. The Finger File, Jill Journal, Muffin Medley or whatever alliterative term for the female equivalent of the Spank Bank that you prefer. The point is we all have one. It is that special little compartment in your brain for all the special someones that strike your fancy for whatever reason. You store your memory of them there and pull them out just for special occasions. You know, those nights that your hubby/boyfriend is out of town and you are all alone. When your booty call won’t answer. When you light up a few scented candles and draw up a warm bubble bath for a few hours of uninterrupted me time. What? You don’t do that? Yeah… me either…

Ahem. Anyways. After approximately a year of reading and commentating on KSWI, it has become fairly obvious that we discuss women and their want more often than men. I hypothesize that women want it more than men, but understanding the true reason for this is probably better left to the great philosophers, professors, and practitioners of the want for I am merely a novice and a student. As an avid observer of the want however, I realized that the celebrity men that have found a home in my Diddle Diary all want it… at least a little bit.

Lets start with my wild card and honorable mention.

Anthony Bourdain.

If you have ever watched No Reservations (and I’m sure you have because it is one of the best shows on TV) you pretty much know what Tony wants; booze, cigarettes and food, especially crispy and succulent pork. Have you seen the gleam in his eye when they show him sitting down to eat a whole roasted pig? He wants it. His appearance in my Cooter Collection is a bit of an anomaly as he is 54 years old, making him 30 years my senior and besting both my parents in age which usually creeps me out. Even the most attractive men on the “50 over 60” list would never make it into my late night fantasies. However, his age aside I think that he makes the list mostly as an intellectual crush. His wit and humor never fail to make me swoon. He is attractive in that “I did a lot of drugs and drank a lot of booze when I was your age” type of way, but mostly I wanna sit down with him, get drunk and talk about all the amazing places he has visited and food he has eaten while bonding over our mutual hatred of Rachel Ray. After that I would definitely let him take advantage of me.

“mmm meat”

Ultimately though Tony only makes honorable mention because mostly I want it. “It” being his job. Traveling, eating, writing and they give you a hefty paycheck for it? Where do I sign up?

Moving on…

John Mayer

I know, I know. Hes a douche bag and a cad. I feel you all already questioning my taste in men, Anthony Bourdain followed by John Mayer. It’s suspect. But, he has been on my list since I was in high school, before he was a douche bag. That was back when he was a really hot guy that wrote and sang cute songs about pretty girls and all the guys wanted to be him and all the girls wanted to be with him. Seriously, I knew several guys in high school that learned to play John Mayer songs on their guitar for what I am sure is the sole purpose of picking up chicks. I am an extremely loyal person to a fault and he hasn’t done anything so horrible yet that I wouldn’t want to sleep with him in my dreams or in real life if the opportunity ever presented itself. Despite all the gossip rag bull and the number of Hollywood starlets that seemed to take up residence on his peen for a while there, I still find the man incredibly hot. The tattoos, the pouty lips, pretty hair and agile guitarist fingers have all helped in keeping him near the top of the list. If Anthony Bourdain serves to represent what I can get past if I really like your brain, John Mayer serves as an example for how superficial I can be.

“O face?”

Along with a milder case of foot-in-mouth syndrome, I think John Mayer definitely has moments when he wants it. It is certainly not a concentrated want like some of the other members of this elite group, but I definitely see glimpses of it.

Paul Rudd

Humor goes a very long way with me. Add a sprinkle of some pretty and we are talking major crush-ability. Paul Rudd has been in my sights since Clueless… when I was 9. Don’t judge. When I was 9 I thought he was super cute as Josh and didn’t really get how weird it was that Cher ends up dating her step-brother and had no idea what Tai meant when she said she was happy as long as a guys “you-know-what isn’t bent”. He was my first crush on an “older man”, unless you count my babysitter’s boyfriend who was 17 and a skateboarder with long hair down his back, baggy JNCO jeans and dirty Airwalks. Now that I’m older and my tastes and intentions have, ah, matured I actually get all the jokes in Clueless and I still think Paul Rudd is hot.

Besides his good looks and hilarious movies we share a love of awesome music. In this nifty little interview I found, Steve Carrell asks Paul Rudd what his top 3 bands are right now . He answers with the exact, EXACT, 3 bands that I would say if Steve Carrell asked me the same question. This recently discovered bit of information may have made my lady bits tingle more than what some would consider appropriate. I may have also let out a girly squeal when I watched it.

http://video.aol.com/video-detail/unscripted-dinner-for-schmucks-viral-04/3017183107

Photobucket

“how you doin’?”

Paul Rudd wants it. There is no doubt in my mind that someone that can take that picture wants it. Anyone that listens to The Avett Brothers, Mumford and Sons and Broken Bells wants it. Paul is the longest running member of the Kitty Cluster and seeing his recent surge in popularity in the movies I personally don’t see him leaving any time soon.

Jon Hamm

Jon’s want has been discussed here before so I don’t need to go over it again. I’ll be honest, unlike the rest of the members of this list I know very little about Jon Hamm outside of his physical attractiveness and his role as Don Draper. His place in the Beaver Batch is therefore probably the purist of all placeholders. My opinion of him is neither sullied nor bolstered by his music or humor. It is simply because he is hot and looks damn fine in a suit. Let’s take a moment to admire his hotness in a suit as Don Draper, shall we?

“Don Draper always wants it”

I will take any of that I can get. In my dreams, on Sunday nights, or in a Google image search that lasted far longer than was necessary.

Johnny Depp

He has been around since I was born, well 21 Jump Street started when I was 1, but he has always been someone who’s movies I watched and followed. In fact Edward Scissorhands was filmed in my hometown and current residence. If you google “Edward Scissorhands Lakeland” you get pictures of a shopping center where they filmed the beauty shop and Edward getting his scissors sharpened. My mom’s house is exactly 5 houses down the street from that shopping center. Fun Facts!

Of Johnny Depp’s 50 acting roles on IMDB I have seen 29. While I don’t remember exactly when I decided he was hot, there was a time in middle school when I watched Crybaby practically on loop. Then there was Don Juan de Marco, Benny and Joon, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, Chocolat, of course the Pirates movies plus dozens more excellent pieces of cinematography. I would want to bang Johnny Depp even if he wasn’t a brilliant actor, the fact just adds to the appeal. In addition to an impressive resume he has one more weapon in his panty dropping arsenal; he speaks french. I speak some french. I’ve been to France and heard it from native speakers, and let me tell you it is the sexiest language of all the Romance Languages. Italian is close, but French wins hands down. Most times when I conjure up Johnny Depp in my imagination he whispers sweet french nothings in my ear.

“Voluez vous choucher avec moi?”

Does he want it? Yes. No. I think he seems pretty blasé most of the time. Do I care? Nope. As long as he keeps making good movies and keeps getting more attractive with age I couldn’t care less if he wants it or not.

Last but not least..

Robert Pattinson

Sigh.

I could literally look at GQ Rob all day… and sometimes I do. It’s the wallpaper on my phone. I know we tend to not mention Rob here, but it was honestly necessary. The first time I saw Rob, like really paid attention to the hottness, was the first time I saw Twilight. One day, the first week of January 2009, my friend Amy and I went to the theater together and watched Twilight. We laughed the whole way through at how bad it was, I’m pretty sure I remember the people next to us huffing and puffing and shooting glares our direction because of all of our giggling. Nevertheless, I took notice on that slow motion walk into the cafeteria accompanied by the little smirk. Catherine Hardwicke got at least one thing right.

As much of an impact Twilight made, I have to say that “Edward” is not my go-to version of Rob. In fact, one of my favorite things about his enormous popularity is that there a billion different photo shoots and movie premieres that all offer a little different flavor of Rob.

There is Vanity Fair Rob:

Wet Rob:

Porno Ready Rob:

Beardy Rob:

Short Hair Rob:

Beanie Rob:

Smoking Rob:

The list goes on and on. There is literally a Rob for every country and season and any dirty dirty fantasy that you may have. And if their isn’t I’m sure someone has photoshopped one that fits whatever you are looking for. The flavors of the dish are ever changing, but the meat and potatoes stay the same. There is always the lickable jaw, tousled hair (even when it is shorter), the always slightly puckered lips, piano player fingers and its all topped off with a super hot accent. It is all enough to make me fall in lust. And personally, I think he definitely wants it. I know for a fact that I want it… with Rob.

So those are a few members of my Pleasure Potpourri. Who did I miss? Who holds a place in yours?

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37 Responses to “KSWI Guest Blogger Wednesday: KT Edition”

  1. tiffanized said

    All of these except John Mayer. My vagina is sort of like a progressive. Plus I think his music is boring.

    I’d like to add Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs. Not only does he want it, he wants it dirty.

    • PWG said

      Mike Rowe. Oh my, yes. His voice, wit and personality are such that he could afford to be extraordinarily ugly and still get laid. But he’s a masculine-looking attractive man as well, so it seems a bit unfair, honestly. I would be comfortable with sending him up to the International Space Station with an eye to repopulating the human race on a new planet if we were about to be creamed by an asteroid.

      • campbelld said

        My mum mentioned to me how attractive he was-my mum, who never says anything like that. She was unsurprised to learn he was a U.S sex symbol.

  2. PWG said

    Oh crap, I haven’t finished reading yet but my peripheral vision changed Anthony Bourdain to Elliot Gould and I’m scarred now. Off to continue reading!

  3. mingreader said

    Cannes Rob. Rome Rob. MexiRob. Red suit Rob. Robowski is my favorite right now, can’t wait for Water for Elephants.

  4. PWG said

    Thanks, KT, I think I’m pregnant now and I don’t know which one of those pictures up there is the Daddy.

  5. PWG said

    Let’s see, in order of photograph:

    No – Elliot Gould-y, shudder
    NO – gah, that bone picture freaks me the fuck out
    No – nice sleeve, though
    No/No/No/No – I think he’s taking a dump in those
    Yes – nicely disheveled
    Yes – funny as hell
    No – sorry, the Hamster doesn’t do it for me
    No – still no Ham sandwich love
    Yes, please – he seems smart, I like smart
    Yes – despite him looking like he OD’d there

    Followed by various pictures of a man so photogenic I feel like I’ve been assaulted with it. Like I turned around to talk to someone behind me and they unexpectedly tossed a 20-lb bag of sugar at me and I caught it by instinct but it made me stagger back a few steps. Also, the sugar is a talented musician.

  6. susanelle said

    Teffin, that is an excellent list and I support that slate… except for (heh, always with the “except”) John Mayer. With him, it’s not that I object to his douchebaggery, which I think is pretty entertaining, it’s just that I think he’s average-looking… I don’t see the good looks everyone else sees.

    But we all have our blind spots like that, right… I know there are wimmenz who don’t see the fuss over Robert Pattinson… it’s unbelievable, but there are a couple, I’ve seen them on boards… Lainey of LaineyGossip, for example, doesn’t get him… she thinks he has “mothering hips.” Her readers are like wtf????

    So there’s no accounting for taste. But I think yours is excellent.

  7. kt said

    I just knew all of you were anti-John Mayer. I was totally expecting that.

    • Oh, I forgot about him. I have the knowledge retention capabilities of an infant hamster. Really I just couldn’t get past that picture of Bourdain fast enough… Anyway, he’s all yours.

    • susanelle said

      Aw, I’m not anti-Mayer. I’m just Switzerland on him. Or Sweden or whatever. Beige. Neutral.

    • PWG said

      I guess I am officially anti-Mayer; mostly I can’t stand his breathy singing voice. What I didn’t realize until today is how utterly terrified I am of Anthony Bourdain. Up ’til now I knew who he was but couldn’t pick him out of a lineup or anything. Now if I ever came across him in real life I think I’d shriek until glass started breaking. It probably doesn’t help that handling raw meat bothers me.* The pose reminds me of the statue of David, with a bone instead of a stone. I’m afraid the tyrannosaurus rex finger he’s got there is touching his junk, which is also quite . . . I just have to stop looking at that picture.

      • MLF said

        I thought that meat bone picture was hot! I totes saved it in my spank bank folder. no joke.

      • campbelld said

        I am officially anti-mayer for a number of reasons. I just wrote a post about J-May, btw.

    • MLF said

      I am no anti John Mayer…did anyone see the article cosmo ran about why he is amazing in bed? I am very pro-sleeping-with-John Mayer

  8. Paul Rudd gets better every day. Funny AND good taste in music? Probably the worst day of my life was when The Google told me that Paul Rudd was only 5’9″.

    I’ll say yes to the rest of your list, minus Anthony Bourdain and that creepy picture that makes me think of serial killers. Hugh Laurie gets my 50+ honorable mention.

    I may be burned at the stake for this… but Rob “Sugar Bags” Pattinson isn’t doing it for me anymore. I’m probably just fickle. But Jason Bateman gets my top spot.

    • susanelle said

      Rob “Sugar Bags” Pattinson isn’t doing it for me anymore

      You mean you used to fizz for him but you got over it??? You mean there’s a cure????

      • I guess? I don’t know that I was ever at the level some people are. I’ve never been one to get obsessive about things. I think namely because it requires too much effort to keep up with the stalking. Like… buying magazines and… reading. Looking at things us harrrrrd.

      • “Looking at things us harrrrrd” – Illiterate? Freudian? Who knows. I’m sleep deprived.

      • susanelle said

        I don’t know that I was ever at the level some people are.

        Ahhh… so maybe you only had Robatitis A, not B.

        I’m still on the interferon.

  9. kristenstewartwantsit said

    Great post, KT. Thanks again.

    I wouldn’t have sex with any of them. But where as you are all terrified of Anthony Bourdain – I am now a fan. Dude fucking wants it in that picture. And he looks manlier than all of them. I really think there is potential for a slash/fan fic of Bourdain as the unreasonable drunk head chef and the new shy, but quietly talented sous chef, Rob.

    It’s a good thing I run this site because I would be the creepiest commenter if I didn’t.

  10. raven said

    I guess I’m the only one who feels your Anthony Bourdin love. I get it. Really. He’s a world traveler and he cooks. I’ll admit I kind of like Gorgon Ramsay as well. Maybe I just have a thing for asshole chefs.

    The rest of your list:

    John Meyer, um…noooo

    Paul Rudd, adorable, sense of humor, plus perfect musical taste? But of course.

    John Hamm, nice enough to look at, but I dinno. Although, his skit on SNL was all kinds of awesome.

    Johnny Depp is a golden god.

    Mr. Pattinson ummm…I’m sorry get all stupid when I see pictures of him. It’s like the intelligent, rational part of my brain stops working and I get all giggly and schoolgirlish…I’ll save myself embarrassment and just knod.

  11. kt said

    i cant reply to comments on my phone but i will enter the want contest soley so i csan win and have that slash fic written.

  12. MLF said

    KT- I didn’t even realize your list was my list until just now. and OMG I would eff the shiz out of anthony bourdain. you have finally found the one guy over fifty I would fuck to death. I bow to you.

    also, amazing post,very brilliant. also, thank you for all of the pictures of his prettyness. also, you rock.

    ok I think that’s everything. I’m going to go stare at the pretty pictures some more.

    oh wait- ALSO- these pictures are amazing. of all of the guys. oh my…. yeah. you rock.

  13. Amy D said

    HA! Everyone at mork wants to know what in the world is so funny… I don’t dare tell them “cooter collection”. Ahhh… back to finishing up the post…

  14. Pol said

    I always liked Paul Rudd too…. I felt ashamed to admit it but now I can, thank you KT.

    Johnny Depp is divine… but I feel torn about R-Pat…. sometimes I think he’s overrated and just funny looking and sometimes a photo of him catches my eye that makes me…… well… want!

  15. PWG said

    Clive Owen. I’ll just leave that there.

  16. tiffanized said

    Colin Firth. Alan Rickman. Nicholas Hoult, who is basically a fetus but I won’t go to jail for it. Logan Lerman, also a fetus, possibly one who WOULD get me sent to jail. I don’t know if the last two are old enough to want it. At what age did Kristen Stewart start wanting it? At birth? Because that is really creepier than a naked Anthony Bourdain with a giant bone. *?

    • PWG said

      Oh, um, he’s 18 now *cough cough* or so I hear. Coming from someone who’s now seen Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief movie a hundred bajillionty times because my kids adore it so much. I feel compelled to encourage their burgeoning fascination with Greek mythology by watching it with them.

    • raven said

      Colin Firth. “Firthworthy” is a term used in this house to describe a man’s general ef-ablity. One must strive to become Firthworthy, as it is a term I do not give readily.

  17. cledbo said

    I have to get one in* before I have to go to this stupid training course, which is preventing me from reading everyone else’s hawtness lists right now.

    Jensen Ackles, aka Dean Winchester (actually, pretty much more Dean than Jensen if I’m honest) – I love me a bad boy, a distant and untameable heart, because (in my head) I would be the only woman wild enough to win him over. Yeah, that’s so real outside of my imagination.

    Back later, when you’re all asleep!

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