This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #Walter Payton

August 6, 2010

I wrote so much yesterday! And I’m still writing today. Justice? I see none.

Happy Friday everyone. You made it through another week of work. You made it through another week of KSWI. You made it through another episode of The Jersey Shore. Coincidentally enough, I am at the “Jersey Shore” right now. I’m not at the part where The Jersey Shore is filmed, but I’m at another part of the beach coastline that the entire eastern side of New Jersey has. It is humid-balls here. It is humid-balls in Jersey City as well, but there are these big buildings that provide shade. Here – the sun is molesting you from the minute you step outside until the minute you take refuge in your central air conditioned house.


The questions for me this week:

I am blown away that you know what “piping” is! What philosophy major / insurance company executive / comedian ever knows that????

I am a philosophy major, I am not nor was an insurance company executive and I would rather be just a funny guy than a “comedian”, but hey whatevs. Did I write that I was an “insurance company executive” or are you blindly taking a guess at what my former job was in hopes of being correct and in hopes I’ll allude to what my former work was? I really hope that one morning hung over or one late night high on Ambien, I wrote that I was an insurance company executive because that is maybe the one job I have not considered applying for. Or I hope that this is how you fantasize about me – insurance company executive prrrrr sexy. DHOOM!

Anyway, I do know “piping” is. “Do you know what a duvet cover is? It’s a blanket. Just a blanket. Now why do guys like you and me know what a duvet is?” I am a full believer in whatever was written or said in Fight Club is the law of this world from the mouth of God, so why I know what “piping” is could be explained like why I know what a “duvet” is. More importantly, I have ears and when people talk I listen and most of it sticks. Especially, when it happens as apart of a funny incident.

I was out with a dozen friends or so getting wasted. It was this past winter and we had been drinking from the afternoon and now it was well past midnight. We were at a local bar a few blocks from my apartment in JCizzle. And needless to say, we were all hammered. I was at the time being entertained by one my friend talking to the two hottest chicks in the bar, but his conversation with them focused on accusing them of being lesbians. “Accusing” sounds mean or harsh, but he was just pointing out how attractive they were, they were together, they weren’t talking to any guys and how they would be a great lesbian couple. So, I was trying to get in on that conversation. Meanwhile, another friend of mine was kicked out of the bar for being so drunk and I hadn’t even noticed.

He was outside smoking cigarettes and the bouncer thought he was too drunk to come back into the bar. The bouncer was probably right, but either way that left my friend outside in the winter in the North East with no coat or anything and full of booze. One of our friends was outside with him, and it happened to be of the female variety. She gave her coat to our male friend and then she headed inside to alert us he was stuck outside. So when we go outside to see our drunk friend in the street – he is now wearing a woman’s coat.

AND HE LOOKED AMAZING! Oh man did he look good in it. Who knows why he fit into that coat perfectly, but he did. It looked like it was tailored to him. It was/is a very fashionable jacket because my female friend isn’t joking around when it comes to fashionable items. She knows wears women’s suits she knows what’s up. Anyway, my guy friend is wearing a girl’s jacket and he looks like Prince. It was unreal amazing. I couldn’t have laughed any harder at the joy I was feeling seeing him looking unreal like Prince and pulling it off at 2am in the streets of Jersey City.


So we’re all critiquing about what we like best about the jacket on my friend. And my female friend who’s jacket he was wearing said her favorite part was the “white piping” and that word stuck. I hadn’t heard the term before, but it is ingrained in my brain since. Oh man, I’m picturing him in that jacket right now and smiling. I wish that jacket wasn’t expensive and she could have just given him the jacket forever and he would rock it regularly. Alas…

At what age did Kristen Stewart start wanting it? At birth?

Yes, at birth. This is a story as old as time when someone is born with a special power, but didn’t know necessarily how best to wield this power or were completely unaware of the power until the longer they lived with said power. Have you ever heard of Jesus?

Jesus was this guy who was born to a barely pubescent virgin in a barn in the Middle East a bunch of years ago. See it turns out that Jesus was God’s son. DHOOM! Weren’t expecting that were you? So, the boy in the barn with the underage virgin mom is the one true God’s son and he is also God as well and a ghost and ANYWAY! So, Jesus was born with God’s powers: flight, eye laser beams, metal claws, walk through walls et cetera. But Jesus didn’t know this when Jesus was born. Eventually, critically acclaimed British actor Alan Rickman had to tell Jesus about his powers and then Jesus went on to fight crime or something. I kind of zoned out after that bit.

I guess what I’m trying to say is Alan Rickman probably told Kristen Stewart at some point that she wants it all the time like no other. It was something she intrinsically knew, but had to told for her to truly understand what was going on. Just like how I told you all. You knew deep down in between your thighs and in your gonads that Kristen Stewart wants IT and wants IT fucking bad, but someone had to tell you for it to dawn on you.


This is all pure speculation. I still haven’t met Kristen Stewart to confirm any of this. Is Kristen Stewart the messiah? Maybe. At least her want is.

Does your face feel naked without it’s beard?

I still have a beard, but it’s much shorter. Anyway, yes my face feels a little naked. Does that get you sweaty?

And with that,


But I have to repost this week’s best comment. Amazingly enough, it is also on the “50 over 60” post. Last week it was the Middle Eastern creep looking for love from any age. This week is someone who has already found love:

I’m 22 and my Fiance is 60. Our sex is Great! I love him beyond age. Young people don’t understand the connection older people bring into the realationship. It’s a been there done that type of thing so for me, there’s no pressure. Sex is more fulfilling and sensual. If I was single and had the opportunity i would have slept with half of this list lol…


I hope everyone has a great weekend. See you next week.



11 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #Walter Payton”

  1. PWG said

    Thank you for bringing Alan Rickman into today’s post. I think of him as a lesser saint of the KSWI blog. He comes up regularly, everyone’s familiar with him, but you wouldn’t ask him for direct intervention. Not like how one could petition the Want with prayer, for instance. I’ve learned that he’s akin to the patron saint of noticing things and pointing them out. It’s better than having no magical powers, but he’s not up to the task of defending the planet against aliens.

    • The “patron saint of noticing things and pointing them out”? Sounds more like the “patron saint of mind your own fucking business” to me.

      Just kidding. Foolin’. Joshin’. I’m just jealous my purpose in life hasn’t been delivered on the silky wings of Mr. Rickman’s vocal chords.

  2. PWG said

    Why are you namedropping Walter Payton today, exactly?

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      The “Sweetness” is #34.

      • PWG said

        He won second place on Soul Train, too. I’m still not seeing it. Has he risen from the dead? Has someone broken a record? Has Alan Rickman discovered a latent superpower in a Walter Payton effigy?

  3. Totally jealous of the Jew’s version of Jesus. And of how good your friend looks in ladies clothing.

  4. susanelle said

    Did I write that I was an “insurance company executive” or are you blindly taking a guess at what my former job was in hopes of being correct and in hopes I’ll allude to what my former work was?

    No — I didn’t have a trickster agenda there… I thought I was right, and here’s why:
    1) You dealt with health policy. This was mentioned when you were throwing out books and mebbe elsewhere. It sounded like you were with a profit-making kind of company (it was a big company; it moved around), not the government… so, voilá, health insurance company.
    2) You wore a suit; indeed, you wore many suits. I gave you the benedoubt of the fit and called it “executive,” because why would you be wearing a suit if you were a grunt clerk? I didn’t think you were president or COO or anything; I think maybe an assistant manager or senior claims officer or something. The only snag in this theory was the time they put you on reception to help out that cute girl. ::shrug:: That may have been early on and an outlier.

    So, “blindly,” Jordan? “Blindly”????

    But anyway, wow, you know about piping.

    Kids today!!

  5. Dr. richard los santos said

    I bet I know the lesbian accuser friend! Ha ha
    Just wanted to check in buddy the football ep is almost done the band got together for the first preseason game boy did we experiment with halucinigans! Party on bro-deur!

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