Reminders, Warnings and Miscellaneous Weekendisms

August 9, 2010

And we’re LIVE!

From the leased 2 bedroom apartment in Jersey City’s most gentrified part of town.

FIGHTING!

Out of the blue corner, stands a riled and ready 5’8 and a half and weighing in at well under 200 pounds. He hails from the fist pumping and club dancing section of the Jersey Shore. This man is a rabbit puncher with a high psycho factor. Here he is the BROWN haired BOMBER, the ITALIAN IBANEZ, here is…

DAWGZ!

*hold for applause*

FIGHTING!

Out of the red corner, stands a dreary eye and furrowed brow yawning gentleman who wishes he could go back to his dream about that feisty cute chick whose hair seemed to oscillate between black and red. He stands like an above average height giant at 6’3″ and weighs in at two hundred and blah blah blah pounds. He hails from the white suburbs of Baltimore, the white suburbs of Pittsburgh, and the white suburbs of upper central New Jersey. This man is a self-trained Muay Thai, kung-fu, ninjitsu, karate, kick boxer, “whatever movie he’s pretending to be in his attic with his heavy bag” striker. Here he is the Existential Assassin, the Unemployed Uppercutter, the Most Deadliest Blogger Who Specializes In Kristen Stewart! Here is…

JORDAN!

*hold for mildly bemused laughter at one’s office desk*

REMINDERS

Today! Today! Today is the deadline for the KSWI – Kristen Stewart Wants IT and SO DO I CONTEST!… which rules and prizes can be read about at the top of the page under that neato tab “KSWI Contest”. All pictures need to be in by the end of today.

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I thought I would have more to say about that. I was thinking, “yeah, I’ll remind them about the pictures and I’ll say something after that.” And now, I’m drawing a blank. I think that sums it up. Get yo’ pictures in. Thank you to those who have sent in pictures.

Fuck. In my head I budgeted a lot more space to this.

WARNINGS

NEVER DRINK “FOUR LOKO”! NEVER! NEVER DRINK IT! STOP THINKING OF DRINKING IT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE REBELLIOUS AND BE LIKE “FUCK HIM FOR TELLING ME NOT TO DO SOMETHING” BECAUSE I’M TELLING YOU NOT TO DO THIS OUT OF THE SLIVER OF HEART I HAVE LEFT!

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There is a legitimate company that is called “Four”. This company Four specializes in a legitimate subcategory of the world called “alcopops” This subcategory alcopops is a clever name for “the Devil’s urine”. This liquid the Devil’s urine should not be appetizing, but surprisingly it is one of the biggest growing markets in the liquid consumption industry. That company Four, mentioned earlier, has two brands of Devil’s urine aka alcopop called “Maxed” and the upgrade “Loko”. On Friday, I drank the “Loko”.

Let me tell you some facts about the “Loko” model of Devil’s urine – it comes in a 23 ounce can that is brightly colored, which I believe should be a subliminal message along the lines of “DON’T DRINK THIS SHIT!“, but instead reads as an even more Hispanic looking version of an Arizona Iced Tea can. The “Loko” comes in 9 different flavors. All flavors cause acid like burning on any part of the interior of your body it touches: teeth, esophagus, stomach lining, scrotum, urethra.

What is actually in Four’s brand of cancerous thirst quenchers? The company name Four stands for four ingredients that are in the drink: caffeine, taurine, guarana, and wormwood. You may be familiar with words like caffeine, taurine and guarana because they all mean one thing ENERGY! These are three ingredients that are found in energy drinks that give you that “car shaking on bad gas” energy we all so crave. The fourth ingredient “wormwood” may be familiar to you as the ingredient in Absinthe that makes people crazy enough to cut off their own ear and mail it to a prostitute.

Finally, the chicken stock to this soup of death is 12% MALT LIQUOR. Did you read the MALT LIQUOR part? Because if you didn’t – it is 12% MALT LIQUOR! First, that is MALT liquor as in MALT LIQUOR! Secondly, it is 12%! I know some of the commenters may have an annoying voice negging in the back of their head right now saying, “I’ve drank Sparks and Sparks too different”- WRONG! Let me cut you off naysayer, Sparks is 6%. Also, Sparks doesn’t have all this other crap like wormwood and I’m pretty sure it isn’t Malt Liquor either. Anyway, Sparks is a different form of Devil’s urine as well.

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Why did I drink Loko on Friday night? Well, I’m an idiot. Also, I’m curious. Also, I’m so selfless to try out a drink that is that horrible and then report back to you all that you never need to drink this stuff ever. If you are presented with really any drinking alternative to the Loko – please take it. You know you can trust the seal of approval on a drink when the US Food and Drug Administration is looking into the safety and legality of said drink.

I will say this, the Loko provides you with a drunk/high that is indescribable. Probably because your body is drunk on malt liquor, going through sugar and energy shock, and may or may not be slightly hallucinating on wormwood. Oh yeah, and you’re BURNING ALIVE FROM THE INSIDE OUT because of the acidic qualities. The hangover from the Loko makes you feel like an actual human sized pile of excrement.

The company, Four, and its insanely like minded competitors (Jooze, Sparks et cetera) are the brainchilds of average working Americans trying to service a need. I get that. Trying to make a business where ever they can. I understand. Four was started by three The Ohio State graduates and good for them for making a Devil’s urine business of their own. But this drink should not be used on the American public. It is KILLING our NATION of citizens who just want to watch So You Think You Can Dance. What we need to do is use alcopops where there truly is a need – terrorists!

If we could somehow reason with ourselves that it is not “torture” to force someone to drink a Loko then I believe we can easily crack even the most hardened terrorist with two days of giving them only Loko to drink. This is all being written by a man who has drank less than a can of Loko. I didn’t drink 8 of them or anything. I don’t even think I made it through a single can. But now that I have drank it and now that I see what it can be used for in interrogating terrorists, I believe we can win this war.

The Loko: it drives you loco.

MISCELLANEOUS WEEKENDISMS

UFC 117 on Saturday night was incredible. The first fight of the night between Roy Nelson and Junior Dos Santos was a WAR. Stefan Struve may have killed a man. Matt Hughes is old, but strong like bull. And, I think the most emotional UFC fight in history may have been Anderson Silva vs. Chael Sonnen. In what has been the greatest experiment in shit talking, Chael Sonnen has blasted Silva for what feels like years of A material bad mouthing. When the fight started, Chael did EXACTLY what he’s been saying he would do this entire time. He nearly knocksout Silva standing in the first then ground and pounds him the rest of the round. This is followed by three more rounds of grounding and pounding (that’s what she said, ok I get it. It sounds gay, whatever). Starting the fifth and final round, nothing changed. Chael takes Anderson down and proceeds to hit him on the ground for two more minutes (adding to the 20 minutes he’s already done it for). Out of nowhere! Anderson gets his legs up and around Chael’s neck and sinks in a deep triangle choke and ends the fight a little more than midway through the final round. You could just see the actual heartbreak on Chael’s face.

Football started its yearly handjob called “The Preseason”. And it also started its unbelievability factor. John Phillips is a big old country white boy looking tight end for the Dallas Cowboys. He caught a series of passes that all marked him quickly as the Cowboys’ second option to Jason Witten (the best tight end in football). Promptly after all this, Phillips tore a muscle in his leg on some play and now will be out for the season.

Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch is just a wonderful television show that makes my artificial soul smile. I am sad to see Bernard Berrian aka B-Twice will not be on anymore. I will definitely do an article saying who I think Ocho will pick (probably Ruby) and give a breakdown of the women in the competition. If you are watching the show, I will say this – I love Tara. I know she looks like a pornstar (a positive in my opinion) and she is a, for a lack of better words, snotty bitch. But she is the embodiment of Regina from Mean Girls. And crazy enough, two girls (Laurice and Erika) are/were actually following her like she was Regina. It is one thing to act like a fictional character and it is another for other people to follow you like you are that fictional character.

I rewatched Mean Girls. Who would’ve guessed that Lohan would have gotten exponentially worse looking and the goth friend (Lizzy Caplan) would get exponentially better looking? If you did think that then you should have put some money on it in Las Vegas and you’d own your own island right now. Either way, if Amanda, Lacey, Rachel and Lindsay were in my classes in high school dressed like that – I would be illiterate.

Mad Men ruled. They don’t always give us “the coolest guy in town” Don Draper, but when they do we relish in it. Hell of a day – went to work, got drunk, went to a movie, “ate” steak, went to a comedy show, fucked a hooker. That’s it folks. That’s like hitting for the cycle in that sport people pretend is America’s past-time.

Isn’t Joshua Jackson way too old to be at the Teen Choice Awards?

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So how was your weekend?

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28 Responses to “Reminders, Warnings and Miscellaneous Weekendisms”

  1. MLF said

    Don’t be hatin! Four loko rawks.

  2. tiffanized said

    I personally don’t understand why we have alcoholic beverages that are not straight tequila.

    I went to my ex-husband’s mother’s wedding this weekend. Two things:

    1. Because there were few single women there, I got goaded into participating in the bouquet toss, and I caught it. There’s just no end to that kind of awkward.
    2. No one should ask the adult sons of the bride to catch their 54-year-old mother’s garter.

    Also when I got home I had a message from my ex-step-grandmother-in-law on my ex-husband’s dad’s side (it would require a diagram to properly explain that relationship) that she was hurt she had not been invited to the wedding. Why she chose to share this with me, I don’t know, but she was to’ up about it.

    At around 9 pm Saturday I decided I wanted to order the UFC fight. This was no small feat considering I did not have cable service. I rummaged through the attic and found my old satellite receiver, and bless their hearts, DirecTV has an automated system that allowed me to have not only satellite service but also asked if I’d like to order the fight. YES! YES I WOULD! I’m so glad I did. If they had to show any of the pre-recorded undercard fights I’m glad it was the Stefan Struve one. Even if he’d lost it would have been unbelievable, but when that giant skinny freak won and was running around grinning like a mental patient with his fucked up lip, I knew I’d gotten my $44.95 worth.

    • MLF said

      I can say with complete certainty that you are the coolest person I “know.” and by far the coolest mom in the history of the universe. If I had been blessed with such a cool mom I would probably be drinking tequila right now instead of four loko. also I would probably have a normal name and not be sharing one with the devil aka miley cyrus. (I guess that answers the question of what the devil’s last name is) alas, I am not that cool. I can’t handle tequila. (don’t be fooled, I can’t handle four loko either…) and yes, incase anyone’s wondering, it DOES make my clothes fall off. It also makes me vomit. I have drank tequila once, and vomitted tequila once. I am one for one with tequila. I do not see any kind of friendship blooming between the two of us.

      two be fair, perhaps it’s just shots I can’t handle. shots are not for everyone. especially me.

      • tiffanized said

        One of my kids is named Hannah, so it’s possible you wouldn’t have escaped your naming unscathed.

        I also vomited tequila once, but I was undeterred from continuing to drink it. Even as I was vomiting, I was sort of mourning the possible loss of my ability to drink tequila. Fortunately, the Liquor Gods chose not to take from me one of my favorite pleasures.

      • MLF said

        at least Hannah is a someone common name. everytime someone hears my name they go “omigod, like Hannah Montana?!”

        I always say “no. like the state.”

        I would rather be refered to as a state then that…that… person who I do not like.

        I really dislike Hannah Montana. I’m not sure if it was working at a preschool and being called miss hannah montana all the time but…I dislike her very, very passionately.

      • susanelle said

        Milfie, do you get nicknamed “Monnie”? “Montie”? “Tanna”?

        I feel like I would totally call you “Mono” if I knew you IRL.

      • MLF said

        I have friends that call me tanna, mostly people I was friends with when I was younger. but an ex is the only person who always called me that so I don’t usually use that nickname. I’m fine with being called tanna though, it’s just weird sometimes when more recent friends call me that because it reminds me of him.

        a very select few people call me monty, and I my riding instructor called me Mon (pronounced like a jamaican person would say it..) because my full name was too long for her to yell at me while..

        most of my nicknames have nothing to do with my name though. also my friends usually refer to each other as hoe, slut, whore, ect. we’re so charming.

      • tiffanized said

        Question for Friday, Jordo: apart from the pet names your common taters have bestowed upon you, do you have a nickname or nicknames?

        My nickname from my parents was Chic, spelled like it’s pronounced “sheek” but actually pronounced “chick” because I apparently looked a little like a baby chicken when I was born. When they got drunk they would confuse my real name and nickname and call me “Tick”. My grandfather calls me “Monk” because I apparently also looked like a monkey when I was a baby. I swear I’ve seen the pictures and I was not an ugly child.

  3. raven said

    Joshua Jackson has disproportionately skinny legs. As a watcher of Fringe, I’ve never noticed this before.

    Thanks Jordan, you are a rather awesome guy.

  4. mattgerber said

    I’m so afraid of Loko right now. I really hope I never find an establishment that sells it, because the curiosity might get to me.

    Also why did the beginning of this post mention Kyle for no reason? I demand satisfaction.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      He was reading the newspaper when I was writing, so I just threw him in there.

    • MLF said

      Is Four Loko scarce in NJ? They sell it at like every gas station down here. Do college kids just really love Four Loko and that’s why there’s so much? Or is it just an Orlando thing or maybe even a FL thing? Now that I’m a grad student do I have to stop drinking it and find something more dignified?

      that’s like a bagillion questions right there.

      you’re welcome 🙂

      and hellz yeah I made a smiley! remember I said I was going rogue or rougue or whatever Sarah Palin said (and not that I can see Russia from my house, I’m in FL for fucks sake, that would make no sense! oh wait…. tee hee 🙂 )

      WHOO I”M OUT OF CONTROL!

      I see your point about the Four Loko.

      • No booze at gas stations, convenience stores, or grocery stores in Jersey. But we also never have to pump our own gas, so… you win some, you lose some. But we win most. JERSEY!

        Also, yes, start drinking something more dignified. Maybe some Arbor Mist.

      • MLF said

        uhhh whatttt??? No booze at gas stations?? But…where do you get the booze from then? Liquor stores are for big bottles not delightful to-go cups!! What do you do when you need a beer for the road?! It seems you are losing way more than you’re gaining. How are underage kids supposed to buy liquor if they don’t have mexican gas station attendants to sell it to them?

        Unless you are from FL that will sound wildly racist. If you are from FL it still might sound wildly racist but also very true.

        Also Arbor Mist tastes like piss. I would rather drink real piss to be honest.

      • MLF said

        I just now realized you were being sarcastic about the Arbor Mist.

      • cledbo said

        The US doesn’t know the joy that is the drive-thru bottle shop, does it?

        Nothing better than sitting in your car while guys bring you cartons upon cartons of beer, AND load them into your boot for you. It’s probably the closest I’ll get to feeling like royalty.

      • Amy D said

        AZ has drive through liquor stores, to answer a bit of Cledbo’s question. Not sure where else.

        DT Seattle has banned malt liquor beverages being sold at mini marts and such, apparently they want to make the quest for drinks like a scavenger hunt for the homeless and drug dealers.

    • PWG said

      Why, Mattie G., have you repaired your caps lock key?! Since we’re speaking pirate, or Elizabethan English or something here, may I say that I heartily approve of your current restrained incarnation? Stay off the Loko, Sir, the world is not ready.

      No ASS/DICKS comments now, this is a test of your comportment.

  5. susanelle said

    Yeah, what’s up with Kyle? Are you two fighting?

  6. PWG said

    A Kay Swidge vs. Sir Dawgz of Buckingham-Nicks UFC fight card? Yeah, I’m gonna give that one to you, Jordan. Unless Dawgz fights dirty, does he fight dirty? If so, you may not want to eat or drink anything at home for a few days pre-bout. A preliminary viewing of Diggstown wouldn’t be amiss, either. I’ll be right back, I have to run to the store and buy more punctuation. I go through it so quickly.

  7. Given the opportunity, I will not be able to turn down the chance to try Four Loko. And it’s all your fault. Last time I had absinthe, I also had tequila, shots and beer, enjoyed a drag cabaret, and then went to work the next day. So maybe I can handle it? I’m sure I won’t regret that decision at all.

    Take it easy on Dawgz if you decide to throw down. Unless you give him the advantage of chugging a Loko first. In which case, film that shit.

  8. MLF said

    I think we need to get Dawgz up in this hizzle to defend himself- everyone is automatically assuming you’re gonna beat the shit out of him but perhaps if he presents his case on why he would dominate he might garner some more KSWI suporters for this make believe fight that I doubt is really happening.

    Don’t be sad Kyle- you can have my vote of confidence. I know that must mean a lot to you.

  9. cledbo said

    I really need to work out how to send pictures to an email address using my phone.

    I have more want pictures in me*, but I can’t bluetooth to this stupid work computer because the stupid firewall won’t let me.

    My weekend was lovely, thanks for asking. I spent 5 hours trying on 27 billion pairs of jeans, to no avail, and I am still perfect-jeans-less. Bah.
    I also spent my Saturday night pretending to be an Elven Rogue (Dungeons & Dragons type, not Alaskan Republican type), so that was awesome.

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