KSWI Guest Blogger Thursday: PWG Edition

August 12, 2010

Editor’s note: Thank you to PWG for this post and I am definitely already calling her bluff on a second guest post. Voting for the KSWI contest ends tonight, so get your votes in. I won’t say who voted for who so anonymity is safe. Vote at jordankswi@gmail.com – 1st, 2nd, 3rd choices. I’m going to go find a cure for my cold – I believe it rhymes with shmalcohol schmoup.

“Mnemosyne, Daughter of Uranus”‎

Today is not Wednesday. Wednesdays are the days when Common Taters who have their shit together are encouraged to guest post. You do the math.

This is not an educational post, but I have Greek gods on the brain. I’ve half-watched the Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief DVD two hundred times this month for my kids’ sake, and not because I find Logan Lerman strangely charismatic in it.

I also saw the new Clash of the Titans movie, which has managed to do what even The Phantom Menace could not: kill my Liam Neeson ladyboner.

The Realm of Hades always gets a bad rap, but it wasn’t all tortured dead people and foggy rivers in the Underworld. The Elysian Fields were there for the virtuous, and they were pretty close to the modern image of Heaven. Okay, Tartarus wasn’t great if you’re not a fan of torture, rape and disembowelment, but if you didn’t fuck around with any of the gods’ spouses, kids or lovers you were probably just going to the Asphodel Meadows. Asphodel was a kind of Limbo for people who hadn’t done anything spectacularly good or evil – a meadow full of flowers with no vampires of the homicidal or boxteasing persuasion.

No Means No, Hades

Beyond the Fields of Asphodel were two pools: Lethe and Mnemosyne. The dead drank from Lethe to erase all memory of their lives so they could be reborn, or from Mnemosyne to preserve their living memories and eventually pass into the Elysian Fields.

This week I had the fucking bright idea of channeling the deity Mnemosyne and reminding everyone of all the fantastic things that have been posted on this website over the past year. I had in mind a sort of quick and dirty best-of-the-best primer for new readers. Turns out there’s just so much. 1.1 million words, to put a fine point on it. I downloaded everything going back to July 2009 and started sorting. I narrowed the fields down to Want FAQ, Timeline, Common Taters, Other People Who Want IT, Notable Quotes, Educational Posts, Jordan and Nicknames. The problem was that it’s all so hysterical that I kept getting sucked into reading every single thing all over again, over a year’s worth of posts and comments.

I’m going to have to guest post on an actual Wednesday to show you what I found. For instance, from the July 8, 2009 inception it took only 34 days before we got our first MS Paint job:

Seriously, How Did I Not Notice This?

August 14th brought the first declaration of love and a marriage proposal (Nicole), and on August 21st we received the bounty of the first spontaneous “That’s What She Said.” (Proselyte3) The post delivering the most comments was October 21st – Haiku Day! I didn’t remember when we were told that Abe Vigoda Wants IT (true), or “I’m not saying Kristen Stewart is immortal. Only her Wanting IT is. Kristen Stewart is just as susceptible to deadly noxious fumes as an ordinary house cat.” (Jordan)

I have the Commenting Staff sorted by who’s posted the most, and compiled factoids from their comments into consolidated biographies. Sure, you’ll identify the Australian with an Emma Watson obsession, but who joined the Big Love polygamist commune initially as Wife #13, only to abdicate her throne twice because a) Jordan watched Twilight with no sound and b) he’s too smart? This common tater would switch sides for Ashley Greene but prefers Jackson Rathbone. She’s married and has a taste for Mute Math, ice cream and hockey. We miss you, Crystal.

Who nicknamed Jordan “WantWard” and “Jordicorn” for God’s sake?! Wet yourself all over again with Jordan’s breakdown of his hairiness graph! Witness the birth of perverted punctuation! Since Jordan’s already having heart palpitations about the excessive tardiness of my submission today, I’ll leave you with two of the best quotes and see you back here on another Wednesday. Or a Thursday, fuck, I doubt I’m suddenly getting an au pair/personal assistant this month or anything.

“I say let the crazy run free and we’ll see where booze, gelato and cartoons can take us.” – HeyyyBrother

“Wanting IT is not simply stored with inside the slight, pale, fleshy confines of Kristen Stewart or even in her spiky mullet. It is in the air we breathe. It is in the water we drink. It is in the alcohol that soaked all my bodily tissue this past Sunday. It is in the warmth of the Sun. It is in the chill of the morning breeze. It is in the electric moment when you catch eyes with another. It is in smell of the changing seasons. It is the coarseness of beach sand. It is in the feather soft touch of 2-ply toilet paper. It is in the notes of a love song. It is in the words of Robert Frost. It is in the stride of a blitzing cornerback who isn’t going to be picked up in time by the fullback. It is, hopefully, in these daily posts I write. And, of course, it is in Kristen Stewart.” – Jordan Newmark


14 Responses to “KSWI Guest Blogger Thursday: PWG Edition”

  1. PWG said

    Why yes I will comment first on my post about not posting yet. I didn’t do the tags, and that “I’m pretty funny” tag is for Jordan. I’m pretty comatose is more like it after three days of no sleep. I was already in deep REM cycles when I e-mailed this.

    Super astonishing fact: so far as I’ve made it into the pile of statistics, the most frequent commenter is me, followed by HB.

    From Theory of Forms Day:
    “The Form of “Wanting IT” just Wanted IT so bad that it somehow materialized into a female baby and came out her mother’s vagine and that is Kristen Stewart.” Amen, brother.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      It sounds self-centered for me to say I really like the post and the whole idea of the post – since it is about this site/me. But I still really liked it.

  2. If you don’t come through with a second post, you will have an angry panda on your hands. Maybe get some sweet charts up in there. You know who will probably love this? Our resident Aussie statistician.

    I don’t know how you did this… Unless you’re a computer. Suddenly Mr. Roboto keeps running through my head. I think it’s the drugs. I’m all hopped up on DayQuil, Vitamin C and antibiotics. Plus these ear infections (yup, plural) are throwing off my equilibrium, so I feel and look drunk. But the bad kind of drunk. I’m all jittery like some meth tweaker freak.

    So anyway. Second post, PWG… for reals.

    Feel better, Jordan. Apparently The Plague has descended upon our fair state as EVERYONE is sick. I think I caught my illness from a Russian woman I work with… total biological warfare.

    • susanelle said

      Aw, I’m sorry to hear you are sick, HeyB. Ear infections are the worst.

      But, you know, young lady, you’ve been going on very little sleep and very little food for quite a few weeks now… bound to catch up with you
      /end mothering rant

      • Whatever. Quit being rational. The Russian woman’s a terrorist and that’s that.

      • Amy D said

        I’m not aware of any terrorists at my place of employment. However, yesterday I was sitting out next to the little pond gazebo. I’m minding my own business while watching the dragonflies flitter about and the little cotton tail bunny munch on some grass – and a random walker decided to nip behind a tree for a quick leak.

  3. susanelle said

    Oh, well done, Pweege — you have left me wanting more and that’s all I ask of a writer.


    Now, I tell you.

  4. MLF said

    this post was like Christmas. thank you pweeg for making my pweegy post dreams come true. I so look forward to the next pweeg post also!!

    that was really brief* but I’m actually busy today. blech. it sucks. I don’t know how you working folk do it*.

  5. Amy D said

    Lovely teaser post, I’m very excited for the follow up. Please do not screw up over like Scummit and make us wait a year in between.

  6. cledbo said

    To correct MLF (how rude of me!) this post is more like Xmas Eve – the anticipation of something awesome to come is there, like a ten speed bike or a Cinderella Barbie.

    Cake or death?

  7. cledbo said

    Also, I am upset that you didn’t make a single Styx joke. Not even when HB mentioned Mr Roboto.

    Not one.

    And you call yourself old, PWG. I call wild shennanigans on your claim to advanced age.

  8. cledbo said

    Question for Friday: how nerdy is it, really, to be spending my Sunday playing with HF radio antennas? Because it’s an army thing, so surely… wait, never mind.
    I’m playing Dungeons and Dragons on Saturday. Clearly I am a nerd.

    A nerd who Wants it.

    New question:
    What is your nerdiest pursuit? Past or present.
    Video games no longer count, they stopped being nerdy years before every macho guy I know got into Call of Duty: Modern Warfare

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