The Expendables: The Review. It’s Stupid.

August 16, 2010

I’m still sick.

Oh right. Hello to everyone! Hello to all the readers and non-readers alike. I hope you all had great weekends and the blah blah blah. I hope you accomplished your dreams and really reached for the blah blah blah. I pray upon the backs of prayers that you have achieved this past weekend what the doubters thought was impossible and you are now a better blah blah blah. I also pffft and that you are pfffft with great pfffft and smiles for everyone pffft.

I’m not as sick as I was. But it is still lingering. Lingering around you like that guy at the bar you accidentally winked at earlier in the night, but you were really trying to clear some dust from your eye and now he is kind of stalking you with his eyes because he knows you two are soulmates and he is just trying to work up the drunk courage to say something that will almost in 100% certainty ruin it. You look purrty with your boobies.

What did I do this weekend?

I saw The Expendables, I saw Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, I got drunk one night, I watched a lot of preseason football, I watched Mad Men, Rubicon and Ochocinco’s show, I watched the Strikeforce Women’s MMA tournament and I ate and I washed and I slept. I talked on the phone some.

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Let’s just stick to the couple topics up there that people want to read about – namely me washing and watching Strikeforce’s tournament to decide who is the number 1 contender for their women’s 135 pound belt. It all begin on Friday when I started shower and felt the cool water caress the hair and skin on my forearm. I cupped some of this transparent liquid and splashed it on my thigh- just joking.

The Expendables

It’s not good. I’m referring to the movie The Expendables as being not good. This may be shocking to sum that I did not think this was a good movie. This type of shock you are experiencing revolves around you believing I don’t have a brain in my head. Most likely, you are a woman. You are a woman who thinks men come in two varieties “cave man” and “gay”.

You would not be shocked if the latter did not like this movie because there are no young men singing or dancing in the movie and none of those men at any point dress up to look like they are a woman when in fact they are a man, but they are a man who is expressing their inner-womanhood through outward appearance as well as acting feminine. Seemingly, you do not associate me with this half of men. I am the other half the “cave man”.

The Neanderthal man only needs murder and death and blood and explosions and the occasional bare breast to consider anything watchable. I will not lie and state that some of that is true, just as the stereotype above is also partially true. The cave man may also be categorized as thinking with its sexual organ, the pen-iz, instead of think with the brain in its own head. This grandiose image of a man using his erect penis as his decision making barometer is comical, but more than often false. Even if I draw a face on the head of my mini-me with big eyes, a nose, maybe a monocle and a goattee. And even, if I were to present that graphic puppet in the theater and faced its face to the screen and I closed my eyes so only it could watch The Expendables without any interference by my actual brain: I still wouldn’t think its a good movie. Also, I would be in jail. Strangely enough, that is not how the cave man watches a movie.

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The huge problem with The Expendables is that it is stupid. There is really no other word for it. It is stupid. There was no intelligent mind involved in the making of this movie. Well, the original premise that we were all sold on was intelligent, but everything after that is stupid. Get a bunch of action stars in one movie and watch them beat the piss out of each other. That is a brilliant idea. There are not many movies that offer that. The Expendables‘ line-up of action stars is quite crazy good. All they need to do is take these guys at let them beat each other in wild one-on-one fights for the delight of fans. Why? We have seen Sly, Dolph, Jet, Jason, and the others murder full battalions of nameless enemies without a second thought several several several times. The point is, we haven’t seen them murder each other. That is a brilliant idea.

The actual result of the film is stupid.

The dialogue is stupid. I cannot think of one line of dialogue in the movie that is not in some way stupid. The interactions between the characters are stupid. They just are. We learn little to nothing about any of the characters in the movie. I don’t need to put “spoilers” up because there is no plot in this movie to worry about “spoiling”. So, let’s take Jet Li’s character for example. The only thing you learn in the movie is that Jet Li’s character needs money and he actually needs more money than he is currently getting. Ok, fine. Why does he need that money? Jet tells us that he needs the money because of his family. Ok, fine. None of The Expendables know that Jet Li has a family. Ok? Why does he need more money for this family? We don’t know. He doesn’t say. And it is at this point that we don’t see Jet Li’s character for about 45 minutes in the movie. Why? Because the movie is stupid and you don’t see any of the characters for 45 minutes except for Jason and Sly and they’re off on some made-up island in “the gulf”. Back to Jet almost an hour later. Hey, Jet, what’s up? Jet needs more money. Oh, ok we’re still talking about that. What do you need the money for? Well, it’s not for my family. Wait what? Jet Li doesn’t have a family. So, why did he say he had a family before? Because this movie is stupid. And now that we know he doesn’t have a family, what does he need the money for? We never find out nor is it brought up again. It’s just stupid.

That is literally the character arc of Jet Li’s character. He fights and kills with the rest of them in the beginning. Then he says he needs more money for his family. Then we don’t see him for almost an hour. Then he says he needs more money, but it’s not for his family because he doesn’t have one. Then he fights Dolph Lundgren. Then he fights and kills with the rest of them on the fictional island in the “gulf” that is run by a military dictatorship. So they definitely could have had Jet Li do something in the movie, but they chose not to and instead made it all stupid.

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It doesn’t get any better for any other characters. Pretty much everything that happens in the movie is not explained nor really needs to be because it is all stupid. How about Jason Statham’s character? Well he fights and kills with the rest of them in the beginning. He throws knives instead of using guns sometimes. Not always, just sometimes. He decides to visit Charisma Carpenter. She answers the door like she is expecting someone, but isn’t and is actually inside with another man. The two talk and we find out that Jason hasn’t called in a month. Charisma seems to move pretty fast if she is already living with another man, especially since she really seems attached to Jason as she starts to get emotional seeing him leave in a huff. Either wait a month for this guy you seemingly love or when he shows up don’t give a fuck. One or the other. Why hasn’t Jason called in a month? No explanation. The mission he was just on in the beginning took him all of 5 minutes of actually gun play, so he could have definitely called her. Is she his wife? Ex-wife? Girlfriend? Ex-girlfriend? Who knows!?! I’ve seen reviewers credit her with all of those titles. Jason broods and then broods and then broods. Sly and Jason fly to some island to do recon on a mission that is never explained to anyone let alone the audience. They kill 41 people while doing recon as well as blow up the one and only harbor on the island. Then Jason goes to see Charisma again and she has facial bruises from the new boyfriend or husband or whatever that other guy is. Jason goes to the basketball court where the guy is. Jason in white jeans proceeds to beat the men on the basketball court (whether they are friends with the woman beater or not) near to death. He turns and tells Charisma, “Now you know what I do.” And then she gets on the motorcycle with Jason and they ride off together. Then Jason and the rest invade that island for no apparent reason and kill every male over the age of 18.

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“Now you know what I do.” What? Random acts of violence? You just beat up 6 men on a basketball court, how is that gainful employment of any kind? If I saw a guy beat up a bunch of middle age men trying to play pick-up basketball, I would never assume that he is a former SAS operative who is now a mercenary. I would assume that he is a thug. I would also assume he has insane anger issues. He pulls out a knife during the fight that is clearly a “killing knife”. You wouldn’t use this to cut rope or trim fat off a steak or do any household chores. This knife has a intricately designed chrome handle with a skull on it and a six inch retractable blade. If someone said “fetch me my killing knife” and I ran into a room and I saw that knife on a table, I would immediately stop searching for the “killing knife” because I would bet my life savings they were referring to that one.

Also, what about the guys who were on the basketball court who had no idea what was going on? Presumably, the guy who hit Charisma Carpenter knew what was happening. He is at fault. There are another 5 guys on the court. One guy actually says out loud, “we got your back.” That guy deserves the ass kicking he gets. But does he even know what he has the other guy’s back? Does he know that that guy hit his girl or did he just see that guy’s girl pull up on a motorcycle with another man and think to himself, “well that’s fucked up. That’s Steve’s girl and she’s on a motorcycle with some bald dude in white jeans.” More importantly, what about the other 4 guys who don’t say a single thing? Jason Statham walks straight towards them and then starts punching the one guy in the face. I don’t know exactly how I would react if I was playing pick-up basketball with some friends of friends and some psycho on a street bike just starts beating one of them up. Either way, it is debatable if any of them even react or does Statham hit them before they have a chance to ask questions.

I know one thing – I would never play pick-up basketball again. At best, Statham only broke your leg. He was beating them all mercilessly out there. Each one of them needed a hospital visit. I would be scared to death to go out in public.

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The rest of the movie is just as stupid. Mickey Rourke’s character is stupid, Sly’s character is stupid, Dolph’s character is stupid, Randy Couture’s character is stupid. The bad guys are really stupid! I don’t even know what the bad guys were really up to. Why was there a standing army on an island of poor people and that army? The only thing on the island was a dictator, his army and some poor people. That’s it. Why does he even need the army? Who is overthrowing him? Maybe the island wouldn’t be so poor if they didn’t spend 100% of their budget on the military who just messes with the poor people. And Eric Roberts is in the movie as a former CIA agent who wants to grow cocaine on the island, but the island doesn’t produce any cocaine…. so…. everyone dies because Sly and his guys kill everyone! Why? Who knows? It doesn’t make any sense. They’re not making or selling illegal drugs.

Seemingly, this is a Helen of Troy movie and Sly is doing this because he has fallen in love with the daughter of the military dictator. What!?! Yep. They kill so many men. They kill all the men on an island nation and Eric Roberts because Sly has a hard-on for this one chick on the island who wouldn’t leave the island when she had the chance the first time to leave. And does she leave the island after Sly and crew kill everyone on the island? No. She stays. !!!!!!!!! So they killed all these people for a chick who never planned on leaving this island ever, so why did they kill any of these people?

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No one knows why anyone in this movie had to die the horrible deaths they did. The movie is flat out stupid, but it is “entertaining”. I laughed really hard while watching the movie. The movie is full of stupid shit that is worth laughing at. The action scenes range from fucking wild to terrible. The last 30 minutes is pretty much a continuous killing spree by the main characters, which at points is great and at other points is so mindless that you have to almost enjoy it. Terry Crews appears out of nowhere at the end of the movie with an auto-shotgun aka an automatic shotgun. Normally speaking an auto-shotgun is a lot like a regular shotgun except you don’t have to keep loading in a new round because the clip of shells does that “automatically” for you. This auto-shotgun that Terry has is actually the power of Zeus in a gun. It has infinite range and killing power and when fired at a tall structure like a watchtower the structure will explode from every conceivable angle. Question – why don’t all the guys have an auto-shotgun like this instead of whatever puny pistols they are using? Never explained.

In conclusion, unless you really don’t care about what you are seeing on the screen whether it is action or really awful line exchanges between Sly and Mickey Rourke at his bike shop/tattoo parlor then go see the movie. If not, then wait until DVD or for it to run on HBO one day when you are sick like me.

And for tomorrow – I’ll review Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. It is excellent. Go see it.

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22 Responses to “The Expendables: The Review. It’s Stupid.”

  1. PWG said

    And yet nothing in this review would prevent me from seeing The Expendables. I’m not surprised it’s stupid, but Stallone can be good in some things: Rocky, Copland. First Blood is possibly the reason I read U.S. Army survival manuals for fun.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I love Stallone and he is great in a lot of movies. This movie is just not one of them. The movie is entertaining, but they clearly did not spend anytime making it. “Demolition Man” – one of the greatest movies ever made. “Cliffhanger” – one of the greatest movies ever made. “The Expendables” – disappointing.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        Speaking of “Cliffhanger” – what happened to Renny Harlin? He made “Die Hard 2”, “Cliffhanger” and “The Long Kiss Goodnight” — everything since has been poop.

      • PWG said

        Cliffhanger!? Oh wait, I busted out laughing before I realized I was confusing it with Vertical Limit. Easy mistake: mountain climbing and Robin Tunney vs. Janine Turner.

      • PWG said

        I hated Die Hard 2, and I love 1, 3 and 4. So I blame Harlin. Are you telling me Deep Blue Sea wasn’t great?

        Who has the most uneven film career? The most even balance between great and shitty films? I’m thinking Nicolas Cage. You never know what you’re going to get with that guy. Maybe John Travolta, too. Samuel Jackson? Nah, most of Jackson’s movies are great.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        It’s just me and you here I guess.

        If you like Die Hard 4 then you have no reason not liking Die Hard 2.

        Forrest Whitaker has had a wildly uneven career. Nic Cage’s career is everywhere because he’ll make shitty movies kind of for the sake of making shitty movies. Some of them just want to work all the time. Christopher Walken and Sam Jackson have that problem.

        As mentioned before, Tom Cruise has an amazing list of movies. Bill Murray as well.

        It’s really their early movies that hurt most actors’ ratio of good and bad.

  2. I’ve never seen Rocky. Commence horrified gasps and lectures about classic American cinema.

    • kt said

      Me either. Also have never seen Star Wars, any of the Die Hard movies, or the Godfather movies. I have male friends who are trying to change this, but I am resistant.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        I have spent very significant time of my life watching all those movies.

      • kt said

        I have spent a very significant part of my life watching adaptations of Jane Austen novels over and over. I’m such a girl.

      • I’ve never seen the original Star Wars either – only a portion of one of the newer ones. Nor any of the Godfather movies. I’ve seen most of the Die Hard’s, those are fun. And I’ve at least seen Scarface, for what that’s worth…?

        But I haven’t seen any of those Jane Austen movies either. Unless we were forced to in AP English, in which case I probably talked through them anyway. So I’m well-rounded in my ignorance.

        One day I’ll watch the classics. But really only if someone makes me.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        I’m finding all of this unsettling.

      • kt said

        I can’t even count how many times I have seen that 2005 adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. I can probably quote most of it.

      • MLF said

        I’ve never seen Star Wars but I own all three godfather movies (don’t bother with the third one. it sucks) and all the Die Hard movies…they are excellent. The Godfather is definitely one of my favorite movies.

        I’m going back to the beach now. Laterzz

      • Lala said

        I’ve never seen Star Wars either. Or Godfather. I did watch Die Hard 4 and I kinda liked it, but didn’t feel like watching the other 3 movies.

  3. cledbo said

    Mr Cledbo finally got me to see The Godfather, and part of Godfather 2 (though they really are very long, and I had shit to do).
    Die Hard 1 was my favourite. Lethal Weapon 4 was the best, though, so figure that one out.

    I too have watched much Pride, Prejudice, Sense, Sensibility and other such things. Lost In Austen is the greatest – not technically a ‘classic’, but still. The Darcy in it is hawwt.

    I love Demolition Man, and Mr Cledbo makes us watch it every time it’s on TV. I’m not sure why he doesn’t own it on DVD by now, but I guess via cable is always cheaper…

    • kt said

      Lost in Austen is fabulous. I’ve been thinking about rewatching it lately. Maybe I’ll start that tonight.

      • cledbo said

        Excellente. I am most pleased that not only has someone heard of this obscure BBC production, but likes it and the Want as well.

        A good day, all around.

  4. Axel said

    This review is stupid. A very simple plot and you don’t get it? What’s wrong with you?

  5. Scorpio Force said

    Your website is stupid!

  6. Sinocelt said

    Your review was a lot more entertaining than the movie.

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