Kristen Stewart is straight. And, Scott Pilgrim was great.

August 17, 2010

Tuesday. Tuesday! TuesDAY! Tuesy tuesy tuesy TUESday! Toosie toosie toosie. TUESDAY!

Before I get into the ish that this post is about, I wanted to mention some other ish. Like this ish:

Oh, so good. Some human being, some glorious human being made a highlight reel of bully moments from 80’s movies. I love these movies. I love these movies like they are children I have never had and would still love more than any children I actually have in life. No real child of mine will give me as many laughs and nostalgic moments as Just One of the Guys. It is a fact that I can life with. Great video and if you haven’t seen all of those movies then shoot yourself in the foot with a gun and walk to the nearest Blockbuster or Best Buy and grab these DVDs. The bullet in your foot is to remind you with every step the pain your life has been without these movies in it, as well as your newly lossed toe will represent the part of your life where you weren’t complete because you hadn’t seen Three O’Clock High.

I wonder why there is not a large trend of movies from the bully’s perspective and what hell his life is losing his girl and reputation to whoever the biggest nerd in school happens to be. Generally the new kid as well. I know there has been a couple like this, but I’m surprised there are not more. For as much as we love 80’s movies, there are not many people taking the 80’s movies and reinventing it. Instead we get ass-hats who think Never Back Down is the new Karate Kid or even worse, people who think the new The Karate Kid is anything like the original The Karate Kid. In conclusion, you mess with the bull you get the horns.

Moving on… So this happened yesterday? And it was a big deal that this happened.

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What is happening? The zapruder film is easier to understand than this picture. Who took this picture? Sir Isaac Newton? Am I right!?! I don’t think I am right. Newton didn’t make the camera. Sure the reference works in the sense that if SIR Isaac Newton was resurrected for ish and giggles and we gave him one of his old old old timey cameras and told him to track down the elusive “Robsten” and take a picture of this majestic beast without alerting it in some way and to hide behind a trashcan when taking this picture that his picture would come out like ish like this.

On the other hand, the reference is more or less just saying that SIR Isaac Newton is an old mofo and his old technology takes old ass pictures. So I could reference anyone at any point in history. The idea of the camera has been around since the days before the magical one walked the Earth who changed calendars forever. My joke could be – “who took this picture? Julius Caesar?”, but not “who took this picture? Karkut of the Northern Cave People?” I don’t think either Karkut or Julius Caesar took this picture. They weren’t the visual artsy types. Caesar was more of a “doer” like conquering and killing and running empires. Karkut was more of a poet – remember his soft elegant words of Sonnet 264: An Ode to My Club:

I found ye’ on the ground

I use ye’ to bat people around

The dew in the morning smells sweet in the air

I have my own “dew” in clumps in my butt hair

I hope I don’t get eaten by a dinosaur tomorrow

Just beautiful. It brings a tear to my eye. The drama. The symbolism. The cold hard truth. The grim reality of living next to dinosaurs. You were a brave soul Karkut, a brave and gentle soul.

Back to the photo- who took this picture? John Strognofe? He did not take this picture, but he did invent the portable camera in 1685. Mr. Strognofe is getting little respect on the internet – he doesn’t even have a wikipedia page! Everyone has a wikipedia page! Nevertheless, John was born in Iraq and moved to the U.S.A. or the land that later becomes the U.S.A. and invents the camera there/here. At least that’s the general consensus I’m seeing on wikianswers and yahooanswers. I did also notice an anonymous rogue outlier who is passing along incorrect information that John Strognofe was from the Bahamas. Where do people come up with this ish!?! I’ve never even heard of the man. Most people say the exact thing I just said – 1685, born in Iraq, moved to USA, made the camera, took index card sized pictures on metal – and there is some jackass saying he’s from the Bahamas. Why the Bahamas? Why stop there? John Strognofe was born in the Bahamas with armor plated spikes on his back like a stegosaurus.

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There is definitely a car in the picture. I think. Is this a “Magic Eye” picture and no one is telling me? I’ve never been good at those. I don’t think I have ever seen what you are supposed to see in a “Magic Eye” picture. What’s this? A rocket ship. Oh, really? That’s funny because all I see is my hatred and anger for not being able to see a rocket ship. Fuck you and your unfocused eyes.

Holy eff, this picture is grainy. Do girls really get off to this picture? It’s worse than trying to masturbate to The Spice Channel when you don’t get The Spice Channel. And that ish wasn’t easy. Every 15 seconds or so a semi-clear image would expose itself through all the snow and static. But it wouldn’t be a good image either. It may be a boob, but the color is off, so it is a neon green boob and that isn’t as arousing as it sounds. That was if you were lucky. You could wait 15 seconds for some sort of visual stimulus and end up with a sweaty man’s butt or face. Enough about The Spice Channel, which was a porn channel on TV that sounded like the precursor to The Food Network and was only slightly sexier.

Ok, so what am I seeing in this picture? Rob is holding a purse and Kristen has an unfashionable tribal weave armband tattoo on her upper bicep. I don’t find the former surprising at all. Rob is British and as a white American male who watches professional tackle football, writes about cage fighting and has an American flag tattooed on him – all European guys are half gay. Am I right? So, Kristen is sporting some ink I see. I wouldn’t have pegged her as a frat boy tattoo haver, but we all make mistakes in Canada. I know I have. I once spent 4 nights in Montreal and two of those nights I lived off of Jack Daniels and tequila shots and pizza bought from a street vendor who was set-up outside of a jerk-booth theater. I got over my mistakes through severe psycho therapy and penicillin, she might be able to get another tattoo on top of that tattoo that looks like a mythical dragon or something. All’s well that ends well.

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I get it. I get it. They’re kissing. Or Rob hears with his mouth. Oh yeah, I should be like THEY’RE KISSING! SQWEEEEL!!! *fast clapping* *smile where I’m biting my bottom lip* But I’m not doing that because A. I have dignity, B. I thought I’ve seen them kiss before, C. wake me when there is 1080p, HD, h.264, 1920 x 1080 video of them blowing each other. And when I mean “blowing” – I’m using that as a generalized term. I get that Rob can’t “blow” Kristen the way the Bible taught us, but I mean they are both going down on each other – same time or not. Or it could be just sex. I’m not a prude. I really just liked the term “blowing each other”. So, wake me when they have a sex tape out. It could be 720p and not 1080p. That is still technically HD. So, I can live with that.

Basically, what I’m saying is that people should leave this couple alone when they’re trying to have a romantic moment of street kissing. And we should allow this budding puppy love to grow and stop tracking them like white tigers. That is until the day they put out a sex video for all to see. That will be a good day. I can give them one tip – DON’T USE THE ZOOM! The picture gets shakier the more you zoom. So keep the lens zoomed out. Also, don’t have the TV on in the background. It is really annoying to the viewer. I don’t want to hear David Letterman doing the Top 10 List in the background because it makes me feel weird the next time I’m watching the David Letterman sex tape because I’m thinking of you two and not what graphicness is happening in front of me. I’m joking – there is no David Letterman sex tape. But what if there is one and we don’t know about it yet? Our future selves have no innocence left. Actually, scrap all background noise altogether. I don’t want to find out that you have sex to Selena Gomez because it makes me question your CD collection as well as creep me out when I’m trying to enjoy “Naturally” on the radio.

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Oh, right. I was supposed to be talking about Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. I loved this movie. I am probably going to see it again in the theaters. For the movie they were trying to make, I think it was PERFECT. Perfect-o. I really don’t know how they could have made it any better. I didn’t read the comic book *gasp*, but I probably will now. I’m guessing a lot more stuff happens in the books and so forth, but for 112 minutes it is packed to the gills with entertainment. The movie is incredibly concise and has no wasted scenes. It doesn’t feel like we are missing anything as a viewer, which is big.

Edgar Wright is a genius. Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz and now this. He can certainly do comedy and he can certainly do action. I see that he is attached to make Ant Man, which is a super hero movie, but I hope he is given the reigns of a big super hero franchise at some point. Visually and audibly it was a fucking terrific movie. Visually was the most stunning more than anything. It was so well done visually that it makes me hate other directors. The fight scene between Brandon Routh (character Todd Ingram) and Michael Cera looked so excellent. It’s depressing to a degree that Edgar Wright is making action/comedies with action that looks this good, meanwhile action directors are being given holier than thou source material like Dragonball Z, The Hulk, Ghost Rider, Resident Evil and more or less raping them with their utter lack of any talent.

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As for the cast – they are all perfectly cast. I see a lot of blow back against Michael Cera recently. “It’s another Michael Cera movie where he is an awkward teen” blah blah blah go fuck yourself to death with a Scott Pilgrim vs. The World souvenir movie poster. This movie is PERFECT (again) for Michael Cera. Who the hell else would they have cast? Michael Cera is a 22 year old, awkward, nerdy, indie rock, who is an unlikely hero, who is from Brampton, Ontario, Canada and male. “Scott Pilgrim” is a 23 year old, awkward, nerdy, indie rock, who is an unlikely hero, who is from Toronto, Ontario, Canada and male. What I’m saying is – Scott Pilgrim is an auto-biography of Michael Cera’s life up until now and having video game/anime style fights with evil exes of the pretty new girl in town to win her heart is actually an allegory for the time Cera spent making Arrested Development, SuperBad, Juno, Nick + Norah’s Infinite Playlist, Year One, Youth in Revolt and Paper Heart.

And all the rest of the young pretty faces do great jobs. Ellen Wong as Knives Chau steals every scene she is in. The band members of Sex Bob-Omb are great. Chris Evans is great, the guy who played Matthew Patel was great, Routh is great. Kieran Culkin is just wonderful. Really all the movie was missing was a scene where I make a blood oath with the Devil and seconds later Anna Kendrick jumps through the movie screen and makes me the happiest man alive – but in return my day job becomes harvesting souls for the Dark Prince. But that’s an even trade in my book. ANNA!

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She wants IT.

I think someone taught her a thing or two about wanting IT. And I think we all know who it was…
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George Clooney! You old scallywag! That word doesn’t exist to WordPress. You old scallion! You old scalawag! Which is actually where “scallywag” comes from, right? You sick son of a bitch! You taught her how to want IT on the set of Up in the Air.

I’m joking of course.

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Of course, it was Kristen Stewart who taught Anna Kendrick how to want IT.

Who is that guy in the background to the left? How is he not looking at the greatest sight one could possibly ever see? ROBSTEN! How does he not feel their want pulling his eyes out of his sockets towards their ethereal glow!?! Or is he looking away in fear? The fear his face and body will melt like seeing the light from the Arc of the Covenant! Oh lord! I cannot believe…

Go see Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.

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13 Responses to “Kristen Stewart is straight. And, Scott Pilgrim was great.”

  1. kt said

    What I don’t understand about that picture is that the other shots in that set are perfectly clear, but this one looks like it was taken from the integrated webcam on my laptop from 100 feet away.

    That is Tom Sturridge in the background.

    I can’t wait to see Scott Pilgrim. I’ve heard nothing but good things about it from everyone.

  2. kristenstewartwantsit said

    Jeez. And I really liked this post.

    • PWG said

      It’s not you . . . it’s me.
      No really, it’s not your fault that Alzheimers has struck me early. First of all, my home is being invaded by earwigs. Pincer bugs. Those bugs that look like they’re carrying around a pair of pliers on their asses. I’m cool with bugs right up to the Spider Line. Anything with 8 legs is fucking NOT OKAY in my house, but I’ll deal with everything else. Except this month the earwig population of central Colorado has taken me up on my lackadaisical homeownership and invaded. They’re the effing Visigoths and I’m Italy. Some bug Wiki site says they’re totally harmless, but I woke up this week because one of the little Infestulants pinched my goddamn finger while I was sleeping and drew blood. An infintesimal drop of blood, true, but it’s the principle of the matter. I wasn’t doing anything to the little bastard. They keep getting in the house and I can’t sleep becaue I keep thinking AHH, IT’S ON ME.

      Which is probably why I drove to work today with nothing but my keys and coffee. No wallet, no laptop, no phone. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, but I work an hour from home and I didn’t notice I hadn’t brought anything until I got here. So I’m working on a borrowed (i.e., not good) PC and so I didn’t comment.

      Made up for it just now, though, didn’t I.

      Great post.

      Your post is the first I heard of that grainy picture thing up there. Should I be proud or ashamed?

  3. I’m not going to lie, when I first saw that you were writing about the pictures, my initial reaction was “not HIM, too?” Then reminded myself that this is first and foremost a Kristen Stewart blog. Right? Right…

    But I was pleasantly surprised. You are in rare form today, sir. I don’t think I’ve laughed at a post like this in a while. Well done. Though you did lose me for a moment on paragraph about The Spice Channel because I read it as The SPACE Channel. And while I figured you were probably an eccentric kid and all, tugging it to images from satellites was beyond even my comprehension.

    Do girls really get off to this picture?
    Not this girl. Probably not many girls ’round these parts. But they’re out there… They’re crazy and probably prepubescent and wearing braces, but they’re out there nonetheless.

  4. kt said

    where is everyone this week??

    • Amy D said

      I know I’m probably not the “everyone” that you are speaking of – but in case enquiring minds want to know, I have been busting ass at work to get ready for vacation. Vegas on Friday!!

      Big THANKS to Kjizzle for the Gun Shop post, because Saturday that is where I’m headed, in between drinking stops. Am I the only one who didn’t know there was a blood orange vodka?!?

  5. cledbo said

    The only part of that picture I care about is the tribal arm band tattoo. It can’t possibly be real, but I would laugh until I peed myself if it was. Why does she have it? If it’s fake, why is it still on her when she’s clearly not at work?
    So many questions.
    Maybe she just wanted a tattoo so bad one spontaneously formed on her cooked spaghetti-like upper arm.

    I will be seeing the movie you just reviewed, and not the one you reviewed yesterday. Possibly even tonight, though the 6 car pile-up on the freeway this morning did not give me a good enough start-time to allow me to leave early today…boo craptacular South Australian drivers!

    I fully expect epicness to be a legimate word in the Oxford Shorter English Dictionary very soon. Along with lamespice, awesomesauce, and FML. Go interwebz go!

  6. amanda said

    ITS MA BURFDAYY! 😀
    lol thats all.

  7. campbelld said

    Dammit a little while away and I miss the contest. Frick. I am seeing Scott Pilgrim tommorrow. I am hella excited.
    Great post Jordan.

  8. Glow said

    did you hear that?it’s the sound of a 1000000 Twitards crying ’cause the most beautiful man of the world is with the queen of Want…She want it, she got it. He is carrying the sissy bag, she is like “i want it” “give to me, bitch”..and he is “Yes, mistress, can i wear my collar?”..Good for you, KStew, you are powerful and such an awesome Bitch

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