This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #35

August 20, 2010

It’s Friday, which means something.

I had a dream last night that was terrifying. I’m not sure why it ended up this way, but I found myself watching a romantic comedy with Ed Norton and Anne Hathaway. He was a firefighter with a mustache and she was an artist and I wanted to kill myself. Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!

I can partially blame the upcoming film Love And Other Drugs for some of the dream.

I thought this movie sounded good when I read about it and I still thought it seemed good for the first 20 seconds or so of the trailer when Jake Gylkadhsfkjhadsjfkhaaall was showing how he tricks girls into falling in love with him. Even though I think it is entirely ridiculous that Jake Gylenitdoesntmatterhowispellhisnameweknowwhoimtalkingabouthaal has to play head games with girls to get head from them later because he’s the damn Prince of Persia! and for the indie crowd he’s the damn Donnie Darko! He’s an attractive young male in excellent physical condition – if we were monkeys he would get to pick and choose which mates he wanted. And oddly enough, we are evolved monkeys and now his evolution is he gets to start in movies pretending like he needs to trick women like the sad sacks who will pay to see the movie. Oh the irony.

The movie kind of breaks down when Jake meets his “match” in Anne Hathaway. She is not only the girl who he falls in love with, but she’s the only girl smart enough to deal with his charisma and 100 mph brain. Anne does this by sleeping with him immediately (smart girl) and then roping him in for the rest of her life by seemingly dying of cancer or something (even smarter girl). That’s how you do it ladies. There is the blueprint to getting the man of your dreams right there. Good stuff.

So, I would rather kill myself than see that movie. Anne was in my dream more or less playing the role she is playing in that trailer. I have no idea why Ed Norton was in the dream with the mustache he had in The Italian Job. And he was a firefighter. It was awful though. Don’t go see that movie either. If some Hollywood producers make the movie that was in my brain (it’s happened before) and you see Ed Norton as a mustached firefighter trying to have a romantic relationship with free wheeling Anne Hathaway – RUN! It isn’t worth the $10 it costs to see a movie nowadays.


Jersey Shore was incredible last night. I don’t know what to say about it because I wrote 2700 words yesterday about it and no one said anything then. Great episode. It made me laugh a lot.

And I’ll stick by my reviews from earlier in the week about The Expendables and Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. Not many movies worth seeing are coming out for the next month and a half. Piranha 3D is probably pretty entertaining. I want to see Machete to see Trejo and Steven Seagal in double machete fight scene. That should be the greatest thing ever, Expendables was also supposed to be the greatest thing ever and wasn’t. If you can’t trust old action stars then who can you trust nowadays?

I’m really falling in love with this song…

I also find it funny that they play it on MTV in between shows like Jersey Shore as much as they do because the lyrics are kind of the anti-thesis to the show. I haven’t been to a dance club in a minute, but I would imagine this song is pretty big on the turn-tables and, again, the lyrics are pretty much the anti-thesis to the people who are probably dancing to the song.

I just did a little tour of the internet to see if there was anything to write about. I read this yesterday, forgot it because it is horrifying and then re-read it. Fred Armisen from Saturday Night Live – he usually portrays Obama or David Patterson – was going out with Elisabeth Moss from Mad Men. That was kind of shocking in its own right. He’s like 15 or so years older than her and he also looks the way he looks and she looks the way she looks. But you just shrug your shoulders and are like “well, they know better than me, I guess”. But but, they broke up! Actually Fred broke up with Elisabeth because he was already starting a new odd relationship with Abby Elliott. Dios mio!

If you don’t know who Abby Elliott then welcome to the fucking club. Why is Saturday Night Live even still on the air? I’m not saying the show should be gotten rid of completely. But maybe before they just throw another 90 minutes of shit onto TV sullying what was once a revered television show, they should see if it is funny first. If it is not funny then they apologize that they couldn’t come up with 90 minutes and instead will just put anything else on TV that isn’t a sketch comedy show that lacks comedy. That still didn’t explain who Abby is.


Abby is 20 years younger than Fred and she’s a cute redhead who seemingly couldn’t find a single male in NEW YORK CITY under 20 years older than her who was half the man Fred Armisen was/is. If I’m a book publisher right now, I would sign up Fred Armisen and Wilmer Valderama for book deals. These book deals would be of the self-help variety. Fred’s book would be about how do you pick up women like real life, there’s no Mekhi Phifer, attractive women. As far as we know, he is batting 2 for 2 on that front.

Learning how to pick-up a supermodel is dubious. I’ve never even met a supermodel let alone struck out with one. But cute and sassy chick who works and lives in New York City and rides the subways and listens to The National. That is knowledge. Getting those girls is what this entire internet dating scene is about. So, Fred Armisen writes the book on that.

Wilmer Valderama could write a few books for me. One of them would have to be how do you have secret and then public relationships with underage teen starlets and now even get a whiff of jail time. That is definitely a book right there. That is a book worth reading. I doubt I could ever put his tips into any practice, but it would be an interesting read. He dated I think three different chicks who were all in that “we’re illegal to have sex with, kiss, talk to, think about, call on the phone, email, go see the movies of if you aren’t with a child that is legally your own” age category – Mandy Moore, Lindsay Lohan and I think Mila Kunis as well. That’s one book.

The second book of his could also be written by some other actors – making cool people think you are cool while the entire rest of the world thinks you are not cool. Am I alone on this? Did anyone watch That 70’s Show and think “You know that foreign guy who says two things an episode, Fez, well I would bet that guy is at all the trendy parties in Hollywood nailing starlets.” If I saw Wilmer Valderama in the street (which I have) I wouldn’t give a flying fuck (which I didn’t). I mean, I saw Richard Belzer on the street and I at least gave him a “hey” and a head nod like “I know who you are and you’re famous and I recognize that.”

So they would write those books. They would sell well.

I like this song as well.

I hope you have a great weekend.


10 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #35”

  1. susanelle said

    I don’t know what to say about it because I wrote 2700 words yesterday about it and no one said anything then.

    Aw, I haven’t been piping up this week because I haven’t seen the movies and TV shows you’ve been reviewing… I admit that didn’t stop me from piping up about DHOOM!, which I haven’t seen, but that was mostly because of the detail about the piping on the jacket. So I piped up about the piping.

    I haven’t ever watched Jersey Shore, yet I know a lot about it because about eight of the blogs I follow love it. Still, I don’t feel I have the credentials to jump in and comment on it, and I know this blog is rigorous about everybody knowing what they’re talking about.

    I just can’t seem to fit in a lot of TV any more. Note this well, you kids under 30: as you get older you will be unable to fit in a lot of TV. So watch a lot now, while you can.

    I haven’t had an appointment TV show since Xena: Warrior Princess ended in the ’90s. Sigh.

    Oh, what am I saying, I watch The Daily Show and The Colbert Report every day they’re on. But. You can see what I’m saying.

  2. tiffanized said

    I am risking my very JOB to post this as a policy against posting on blogs from my work computer was recently instituted. And I’m doing this to say that I LOVE THE SITUATION.

    And also Jake Gyllenhaal. The Donnie Darko version.

    • Pol said

      Hectic, I didn’t have internet access at work for ages cause the previous IT guy threw a tantrum when he left and changed did something to our IP addresses just to be spiteful after swearing at some of the staff. What a putz and he had halitosis.

      I don’t dig Jersey Shore but I love Donnie Darko.

  3. JERSEY SHOOOOOOOOOORE! Last night was the first episode I’ve seen of the season and it was the best. I didn’t realize how much I missed it. I couldn’t stop laughing. Between the wonder that was impossibly drunk Ronnie and the genius behind J-Woww and Snookie “anonymously” writing a letter while being recorded, there was too much beauty to handle in one place. I was also pleasantly surprised when I realized that my DVR settings from last season carried over to this season and – thank the sweet baby jesus – all of the episode’s I’ve missed thus far are waiting for me. Technology is amazing!

    I don’t understand the Fred Armisen thing. Forget the fact that I don’t find him even remotely attractive, I only find him moderately funny. If I’m going to date an unattractive man twice my age, he’d damn well better be the most hilarious person to walk the planet.

    I love that Dynamite song. It’s my biggest guilty pleasure song of the moment.

  4. kt said

    1. I wanna see that Viagra movie.
    2. When I went to Chicago I didn’t get to take a picture under “The Bean” like every other person that visits Chicago because Jake Gyllanhaal was filming a movie. I did get a picture of him wearing a man purse from about 200 feet away as a consolation prize.
    3. Fred Armisan actually managed to MARRY Elizabeth Moss… it was only 10 months and then a week after they announce their break up he is shaking up with Abby Elliot. Personally I think Abby is an idiot in this situation. Co-worker. Check. 20 year age difference. Check. This will end horribly and make things super awkward on the set of SNL. Do you think he was cheating on Elizabeth Moss with her, cause I gotta say, I bet he was. Douchebag.

  5. AmyAlmost said

    I haven’t watched jersey shore as yet. Honestly I don’t know how funny guys get girls at all, have you talked with comedians?… My guilty pleasure atm is ‘Bang Bang’ Mark Ronson and this guy from Gympie

  6. MLF said

    omigod. ok so I’ve been a tad busy lately and am just now getting a chance to read this but there are so many many things to say

    1- edward norton is hot and I would bang him with or without the stache.
    2- I love Fez. I don’t know if we can be friends anymore
    3- is the guy dating the young starlets the dude from harold and kumar? if the answer to that is yes than the book would be pretty short: weed. he is accomplishing that with good old marijuana. moving along..

    4- I still have not and will not watch the jersey shore but I understand that you new jersy-ers need to because you need to laugh in order to keep from crying about the lack of alcohol in your gas stations. no I have not forgotten and I am still sad for you

    5-cooler than me and dynamite have been some of the most overplayed songs on the radio for months now and everytime I hear them I die a little more inside and want to kill even more people on the outside. their catchiness is undeniable which makes them the herpes of pop songs at the moment. In case you are wondering, the number one overplayed song would be katy perry’s california girls and bad bad things will happen if I ever have to hear that song ever again. ever.


    6- donnie darko and prince of persia were both glorious

    I could keep going but I think I will sleep now instead.

  7. Lala said

    I didn’t have anything to say about The Jersey Shore because I have never watched it and I don’t think I ever will. I won’t say anything about this post because I don’t remember what it’s about anymore.
    Also, where is everybody?

  8. Pol said

    ‘and no-one said anything’ LMAO!!!!!!!!! Now that’s funny and worth commenting on….’continues laughing to herself whilst drinking a martini’

    I don’t like your winner for the ‘wanting it’ …. I mean, seriously?
    Jordan, have you lost your game? Consider that a Thursday question.

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