@OGOchoCinco – I solved your love life.

August 24, 2010

I love professional tackle football in America. I love the NFL. I love it. And the more I love this beautiful sport and the organization for it, the more I have to love everyone who participates in it. When I was younger, I hated certain teams and hated certain players. But as I’ve grown up, I just really love football so much that I have a hard time not finding something great in all the teams and the players for those teams. I’m the Thich Nhat Hanh of football fans. There are some players out there who make it really really really easy for me to like them even if they are not on my team (the Pittsburgh mother fucking Steelers). And this player I’m thinking of in particular is actually on the rival team of my team. The thing is, he is so damn likable. He is funny, charismatic, great with his fans, and, what matter’s most, a great football player. I’m talking about one of the most genuinely entertaining athletes en el mundo:

Chad Ochocinco


That isn’t a nickname, that’s the dude’s name. Formerly Chad Johnson, Chad Ochocinco primarily is a wide-receiver for the Cincinnati Bengals. But Chad has many other names, like Esteban, and outlets, like twitter and ustream. Many of you probably know him best, sadly, for his stint on Dancing with the Stars. Most importantly, Chad has his own dating reality show on Vh1 entitled Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch. I had heard that Chad was getting his own reality show and it would be on Vh1, very similar to a co-worker, wide-receiver, and now Cincinnati Bengal – Terrell Owens. I don’t watch Terrell’s show. I am not interested in seeing him meandering around his life having fake conversations over meals like on The Hills. But when I heard that Ochocinco’s show would be a competition dating show! OH MY GOD! I was so fucking excited.

I have gotten into two dating shows: For the Love of Ray J and Bret Micheal’s Rock of Love Bus. The one thing that I really loved about those shows was that you could see how seriously those two were taking the show. Ray J seemed too young to have a dating show and the show almost appeared like it was the wildest arranged marriage ever. I felt that he was fully ready to marry who won this show while the show was taping at least. As for Bret, I just loved the moment of clarity every once and awhile that Bret would have like “these are the women that every one in the world thinks are for me and that is scary because they are probably right”. That bit of seriousness, that bit of actual reality is what made me love the shows and I had a feeling Chad was going to have that as well. Now, I have Chad Ochocinco trying to find “love” with these women and there definitely is that bit of seriousness that I was hoping for.


As mentioned, Chad Ochocinco is a professional football player. He is a current player. He isn’t a “was player” he is an “is player”. They shot this show before training camp started. If you haven’t noticed, professional football is as serious as war. Most likely because it appears that any man can die on any given play. It is a crazy violent sport of 11 on 11 fighting with a ball. Chad has a day job, so this is hobby or his downtime activity. Have you ever picked up a new activity and you weren’t that prepared for it and the next thing you know it gets real serious and encompasses your life and now you are in conflict because wasn’t this all supposed to be a fun new hobby? Well, I think that is exactly what this television show is for Ochocinco.

The point of today’s post is that Chad has narrowed down to the final four: Tara, Rubi, Tiphani, and Brittany. I fully understand that this show was taped earlier this year and unless there is an unmentioned live season finale where he chooses the girl then he has already made his choice. I get that. But I don’t care. I’m going to go through these four choices (strengths/weaknesses) and, ultimately, make a decision on who I think would be best for Chad. Who to start with? Well, Chad was gracious enough to literally rank the women (1-16), so let’s go worst to first –

Brittany (rank 11)


What do we know about Brittany? She is 22, has a kid, has an ex-husband, body like a pornstar… her body is like a pornstar’s body, not her ex-husband’s. Well, I’ve never met her ex-husband, so it could be pornstar like. Nevertheless, Brittany has big fake boobs, small waist, nice butt and she’s mighty tan. “Mighty” tan like Jersey Shore tan, like her tanness could have super powers. Twice on the show, Chad has had to make the decision between Brittany and another girl and instead kept both Brittany and the other girl. The first time he did that was when she was matched up against Tiphani (up next) and Chad broke his own game show rules doing so. This means that Chad definitely has some connection with Brittany over most of the other girls – he really doesn’t want to see this girl go.

The Good and The Bad. Brittany does seem into Chad. That is a definite positive. She gave Chad a strip tease recently, and that’s a positive. Having a lady in your life who likes to give strip teases and has the body of a lady you would normally have to pay to give you those strip teases is a positive. I’m not sure if this is a real positive or a theoretical positive, but Chad has multiple kids and Brittany has a kid, which means Brittany is used to dealing with kids. Chad does need a woman who is comfortable around kids because he has 4 of them I think. Brittany also comes across as genuine when she’s on the show. This does not seem like a made-up personality. Reason being? Brittany does not come across all that bright. I don’t know if she is smart enough to pull off a facade personality all the time. Where do I get this idea? Well, in every episode Brittany mentions being “confused” about something. In every episode there is at least one scene (a couple in some episodes) where she says she doesn’t know what is going on, literally confused or something of the like. That is bad news. I don’t think Chad wants to live his life having to explain to Brittany every half hour what the hell is going on. “What’s going on?” “Baby, I told you a minute ago we are going to dinner with my boy, Bernard Berrian aka B-Twice.” “But I’m confused. You two don’t play on the same team. Why?” “Bitch, I told you! All wide receivers are best friends! Just get into the damn car in your stripper clothes!”


Conclusion. I don’t like Brittany for Chad. She’s honest and doesn’t seem to be the type who will try to steal his spotlight, and she gives lap dances with her stripper body. Good things. Brittany says she is independent, but being confused all the time leads to dependency. Also, she did admits she needs a lot of attention. And a girl with big fake boobs and a tan like the surface of Mars, I bet needs A LOT of attention. Outside of any physical connection – I don’t see this being a match for Chad.

Tiphani (rank 6)


What do we know about Tiphani? For one I hate how she spells her name. I have to get that out of the way because I do like Tiphani, but I HATE this spelling. “T-i” that works; “p-h” uh… I’m not into it, but a “ph” does make the “f” sound needed for this name; “a-n” ok that makes sense; “i” AHHHHH it burns! Anyway, Tiphani is tall. Tiphani is so tall that she would automatically defeat the other three girls in any basketball game no matter how many points they spot the other girl. Tiphani is an athlete. As Dawgz has said to me “she looks like a track-chick” and that is because she is a “track-chick”. Tiphani is supposedly a decorated track runner. Also, Tiphani is from Philadelphia, which has to be mentioned because I love Philly. Anyway, Tiphani is long and lean and has shown that she can get along with Ochocinco both physically and mentally. Also, Tiphani is one of the very few on the TV show who doesn’t have a job solely based around her appearance. Tiphani is a “booking agent” and not just a model like most of the girls are.

The Good and The Bad. Early on, Chad told Tiphani that they were in the “friend zone” dunh DunH DUNH! But in the last episode, Tiphani and 85 were rolling around his hotel bed making out and eating chocolate covered strawberries. I mean that was something my friends and I did when we were like sophomores in college for ish and giggs, but after college that is more than friends territory. Clearly, the two have a physical connection now. But Chad was worried because Tiphani was drunk when she did that (aren’t they all?). Tiphani took half a dozen shots of tequila at dinner and the bed activity was post dinner. I’ll say this – it may take Tiphani some tequila shots to get “comfortable” to make out with Chad for the first time while she is competing on a reality show with cameras around and she just met Chad like 17 days earlier. I tend to doubt it will take all that much if none of that extracurricular stuff was around like a sound crew and a cameraman. Another positive and negative, is that Tiphani has dated professional athletes before. Positive is obvious – she knows what she is getting into. Negative – well… how many? who? when? There could be a weird situation if Ocho is at a pro-bowl party and Tennessee Titans’ running back Chris Johnson is like “Hey, Tiph. It’s been awhile.” And Chad’s like “What the fuck!?! You dated Chris Johnson!? I know he’s the best running back in the league, but DAMN the dude looks like Lil’ Wayne on steroids!” Lastly, Tiphani does have her own job, which she says she can do anywhere with a laptop and a cell phone. Chad definitely needs a woman with independence considering he is gone for stretches of time and for at least 17 weeks out of the year he will be a banged up guy from playing professional tackle football. At the same time, Chad is going to need a woman who is there for him when he is there and is Tiphani “too” independent. Is Tiphani ready for Chad’s 4 kids? There are big question marks.


Conclusion. I really like Tiphani for Ochocinco. She is younger than Chad, but not a decade younger like Brittany. I think Tiphani’s strong suit is that she is an athlete and has dated athletes. Tiphani should have the most experience with the life that Chad is trying to lead and she should understand that the best. I can picture the two of them going out for morning jogs with each other and talking injuries and recovery plans together. She isn’t the petite with big boobs body like the rest of the girls, which I think helps her stand out. She’s like a gazelle. A gazelle that looks nothing like a gazelle. Have you ever seen a gazelle? She’s a toned and slender, whole milk coffee, with long raven black hair. My doubts with Tiphani are mostly around her timidness. She seems nervous a lot. I don’t know if that is just because of the TV show cameras or that she literally just met Chad or the other women always being around, but Tiphani needs to be a lot more assure of herself to be with Chad. If not, then he’ll just be another pro-athlete she once dated.

Tara (rank 2)


What do we know about Tara? What has been said about fictional Mean Girls character Regina George that hasn’t also been said about Tara? Not much. It is one thing to try and act in real life like a character from a movie (like myself and Blade) and it is another thing entirely to pull it off (exactly like myself and Blade). Tara looks like a California blonde and guess what? She is a California blonde from San Diego. She currently lives in Las Vegas, which means she has most likely taken her clothes off for money. I’ve been to Las Vegas a few times and believe me it is very difficult to spend any more than 10 hours there without taking your clothes off for money. Besides that, Tara also has the pornstar looks appeal. She is petite, she big lips, big fake boobs, a nice butt and she does joke about sex a good deal. And believe me she does “joke” a lot (I’ll get to that in a second). We know she has a sister, no kids, and is a “model”.

The Good and The Bad. The jokes! She is a joker. Tara is very sarcastic and says ridiculous things and, again, just think Regina George. Regina is funny in Mean Girls. The real Mean Girls thing stems from Tara creating her own clique in the house with former castmates Laurice and Erika. These two followed her around exactly like Lacey Chabret and Amanda Seyfried. They actually even kind of looked like them too proportionally. This means that Tara is smart, but she uses that smartness for evil. That is sexy and all, but if we were talking about looking for “Ms. Right” for Ochocino, I’m not sure that is a quality he’ll want. She does make him laugh though. She says a lot of cutting one-liners, which can be cute every once and a while, but all the time it will become a turn off. Also, let’s be honest – this chick looks like she was made specifically for sex and if she says anything even remotely cute then I and any other male would smile and laugh our asses off about it just for a chance with her. Sarah Silverman is funny and hot and when I mean funny – she is really funny like I own her stand-up comedy DVD and watched her show funny. Tara is funny like her eyes and lips and tiny body and big boobs hypnotize the listener into being in such a good mood just looking at her that whatever she says will illicit a positive reaction because you just want to keep looking at her. So, that’s all good for Chad if all he wants is “fuck toy” looks. The bad is about everything else. They keep saying she isn’t being “serious” on the show. That’s their buzzword for Tara – “serious”. In the last episode, Chad had the girls talk to his sports psychologist and Tara didn’t take that seriously either. In all fairness to her, I agreed with her comment that she wasn’t just going to open up to some psychologist that she just met 5 minutes ago and just because she is “supposed” to. I get that. But at the same time she doesn’t open up to anyone on the show. Tara never even opens up to Chad and, in all honesty, never looks like she is into Chad. She seems way more concerned about winning the show than making a connection with Chad. She never has said why she likes Chad and I’m pretty certain she is the only one who hasn’t made out with Chad. There are two reasons I can come up with: 1. She just isn’t into Chad and is there to win to get famous and pretending to like some rich and in incredible shape famous athlete isn’t the worst thing in the world. 2. Maybe if she walks like a duck, talks like a duck and looks like a duck – she isn’t the coke loving blonde stripper slut that many think she is. Maybe just maybe, she isn’t in “love” with Ochocinco and ready to make out with him on TV or is even comfortable with him because she just met the dude. I get that she joined a reality show to “fall in love” with him, but what if the real reality is that that just doesn’t happen and she might need more time or not a camera crew around her. Maybe she does like him, but maybe she doesn’t just go down on a guy she just met because he is ripped and in shape and has money and is willing to let her go down on him.


Conclusion. Well, I don’t like Tara for Chad. If Ochocinco is supposed to choose a girl based on what she has shown on the television show and not the the theoretical scenarios I built in the above paragraph then Tara isn’t the girl. She’s hot, but that’s kind of where it ends. She makes Chad laugh, but even he is getting tired of the jokes. It is hard to tell the difference between sincere and insincere when you are the person affected and you like that other person or are trying to like that other person. But as a third party viewer in all this, Tara always seems more concerned with her opponents than with her connection with Ocho. Whatever the reason is for this (good or bad) it is not good for Ochocinco if he is looking for his best match and not just who can win a game show. I hope in the next episode Ochocinco sits down with Tara and asks her why she likes him, why she wants to be with him. Point blank. If she doesn’t give a good answer then that should be it completely.

Rubi (rank 1)


What do we know about Rubi? Rubi is beautiful. She is like a miniature Eva Mendes. She is the closest in age to Ochocinco, she likes to dance, she likes to sing, likes to cook, comes from a big family et cetera et cetera. Not that there is anything wrong with her being a stereotypical Rosie Perez character because that’s why they make those characters – they’re great. She’s Puerto Rican and immediately starts salsa dancing with Ochocinco. Of course, who wouldn’t have guessed that? Stereotypes are not always bad things people. I’m white as white can be and grew up angry in the suburbs being a liberal, so of-fucking-course I have all the Wu-Tang albums on my iphone and I can quote every episode of The Chappelle Show – stereotypical! Rubi is a model and wants to be a singer. And, of course, she is a brunette Shakira and sings in Spanish.

The Good and The Bad. The good is a lot of what I said up above. First and foremost, the mofo named himself “Ochocinco”, so do you want to guess he has a thing for the Hispanics? Of-fucking-course! He likes soccer, he calls himself Esteban Ochocinco, he talks in Spanish sometimes and I think he has said he is part Spanish or he may have been joking, but who cares. Anyway, Chad is definitely into Latin chicas. And why the fuck not!?! Chad was on Dancing with the Stars so Rubi would work well because she likes to dance and clearly he likes to dance. There is a double edged sword with her entertainment career aspirations. I think it is good that she would want to get involved in the entertainment world because he is definitely in that world. He needs a woman not shy about cameras or being on TV. The bad would be that she is just using him for her own personal gains. That is a worry. A lot of the girls on the show talk about how she sings all the time and that is because she wants to get a recording contract out of the show and not Chad. Well, it could be that. It could also be that she is bored to tears sitting around a house all day with no computer, phone, TV or people she has known for more than a few days and, at the same time, she wants to be a singer so she should probably practice singing instead of going several weeks without doing it. She doesn’t have kids and she doesn’t have any experience dating a professional athlete. Those can be seen as both good and bad as shown earlier in the post. The two of them definitely have a lot of physical chemistry as they spent 5 minutes making out in the second to last episode. But they’ve proven they have little to talk about. I don’t know if that is the worst thing in the world because they’ll have stuff to talk about when she isn’t trapped in a reality TV show house all day and he isn’t off dating other girls. Usually people talk about shared experiences or what you’ve been up to. “Hey, did you like that movie we just saw, Rubi?” And then Rubi can answer and they talk about the movie. That definitely is a bad thing though that they don’t have much to talk about.


Conclusion. I like Rubi for Chad… for right now. The two of them could work out, but I feel like Rubi is similar to a lot of girls Chad has dated. She’s hot and a model and there isn’t anything that connects them besides that. Ochocinco meets a lot of hot models, so what really is the tie that binds them. Is Rubi ready for Chad having 4 kids? Who knows? I think Rubi is the one that Chad could immediately have a relationship with from day one, but will end much like his others. She’s beautiful, she seems honest, she has a soothing voice, she sings, she dances, she seems easy going and she seems like she is digging Chad’s stuff. But she doesn’t know football, she doesn’t know him.



So, what does this all mean? I am crazy for putting this much thought into a television show where there is a 99% chance whoever won the show already is already not with Chad. But what’s the point of looking at it that way? That’s cynicism for the sake of cynicism and is hypocritical because there are millions of girls in love with shimmering vampires. Anyway, I think Tiphani is the best match for Chad, but she’s kind of the safe bet. An athlete going out with another athlete. Rubi is the next best match for Chad and she is a very alluring choice because she is more exotic. A singer/model going out with an athlete.

In reality, I want Chad Ochocinco to go out with Jennifer Aniston. I think Jennifer is looking for a good looking, successful, younger man who is built like a brick shit house, wants kids and is assertive. Chad is that. The dude has 4 kids, so she can mess around with his kids, plus I bet he is not against knocking up Jen.


If I was a Hollywood producer I would make a Blindside sequel with Jen and Ochocinco in it and they’ll hook up and fall in love and then I would share “best man” duties at the wedding with Bernard Berrian. B-Twice!


8 Responses to “@OGOchoCinco – I solved your love life.”

  1. tiffanized said

    Once someone spelled my name Tiphonie. I thought they were the dumbest person alive but maybe they just grew up with Tiphani and thought that was a non-insane way to spell it.

  2. susanelle said

    God I love bocconcini! Thanks for reminding me of that.

  3. Lala said

    Of course you are not crazy for analyzing the candidates of a reality show to find the true love of a guy you don’t even know. That’s totally normal. Really.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I’m sensing sarcasm, Brazil. But the simple fact you can even make sarcastic remarks in your second language, I’ll allow it.

  4. MLF said

    omg. False False False. The answer to who he should choose is glaringly obvious- why choose one? why not have all four? fuck, why not have all sixteen or however many he started with. I mean if kswi jordan from NJ can have twenty plus sister-wives, homeboy can too.

    I must say I am partial to Tara but only because her ass looks amazing in that photo. (ive never seen the show…obvi. no cable..yeah anyways) I would make her dye her hair though- to quote the fictional character of my dreams, “I prefer brunettes”

  5. campbelld said

    Epic post. It should be Tiph. I am also sick of people comparing attractive people to animals. I will never be attracted to African Plains Animals.

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