Angelina Jolie ate my soul on Top Chef

August 26, 2010

Today will be a potpourri of subjects. Subjects that no one expected to be apart of a potpourri. A potpourri that truly stretches the meaning of a word designed to allow for miscellaneousness. A miscellaneousness that will feature television shows, movies, and my life. My life is being haunted by a noise. This noise is the most horrible noise I have heard. I have heard some horrible noises in my day. That day was the summer of Junior year of college and awoken to what was previously the most horrible noise I have heard. The heard noise was my friend part sleeping, part snoring, part almost throwing up, and part peeing himself. He was attempting to pee on a wall inside, but it his drunken state could not unzip his pants all the way. Not getting the zipper all the way down caused his weenus to stay in his pants. Not only did his weenus stay in his pants, but so did the urine that was escaping from it. What also escaped was the phlegm and vomit combo from drinking and smoking cigarettes all night. It was not night, it was morning. Early morning. That morning I thought that was the worst noise I had ever heard. What I heard this morning was very different in variety and not human.

The noise, which reverberated through the Jersey City streets for 3 hours this morning, sounded like one of these two if not both:

1. A newly married couple’s getaway car, which is in fact a Grave Digger-esque monster truck of death, which has a million human size aluminum cans trailing behind the truck connected by a chain of razor wire.

2. A demon grinding the souls of the damned into a fine frothy puree for some nutrient enriched breakfast shake to start said demon’s day off right.

What was the noise?

I’m not sure what the name of it is. It’s purpose was to smooth out a newly filled pothole on the street outside my apartment. It looked like a lawnmower and was apparently powered by tin cans and the butchering of the eternal spirits of evil human beings. I did not stop to ask the user of this machine if it had a name because:

1. I wasn’t going to say, “What is the name of this thing that is making the most wretched fucking noise ever? I need to know because I write some blog that a bunch of ladies on the internet read or I guess used to read. I mean, they probably still read it, but find me less amusing than they used to, so they don’t read it every day. Also, there are some guys I guess that read it too. But it seems like mostly women. They proposed marriage to me and like most marriages after all this time we’ve spent together they’ve grown bored of me. I think they’re cheating on me with some other new younger male blogger. I don’t know. Maybe I should change something. Get a new haircut or a new layout for the website, but won’t they see the charade? It’s still going to be me. Who am I kidding? It was never meant to last. We all come from such different worlds. Do they hold a grudge that I didn’t see Eclipse? Probably not, they never seem to care when I actually write about that stuff either. Woe is me, I guess. Oh, right – what’s the name of that horrible sounding gas powered machine that sounds like the Devil orgasming you are using and probably getting paid shit to use for 3 hours?”

2. I was concerned that the operator of the machine was a “deathless one” and he would have stared into my eyes and made me poop myself out of fear for the pit of horrors he would open into my mind’s eye.

Let’s just move on.

Angelina Jolie

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I was thinking of doing a whole post dedicated to Angelina Jolie, but I got hung up on the awful noise I heard this morning and now do not have the time to get really in depth about Angelina Jolie’s movie career. There is news that Angelina Jolie, which I can only and always do say her full name, is being considered for some movie – shocking, right? The movie is about some woman who killed two cops and serves 15 years in jail and when she is released someone tries to kill her. Whatever. Besides that being a subject matter that I couldn’t care less about, it seems like another movie where Angelina Jolie will be playing a fairly normal human female.

Angelina Jolie does not look like a regular female human.

Angelina Jolie looks like a member of a superior alien race or an evolved human from the future.

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I’m not saying that killing cops and going to jail is normal, but the sub-story of the movie isn’t that she time traveled from the 30th century to the 21st century to kill a couple cops and then her time travel pod somehow got damaged, so she stays in the 21st century and serves the 15 years in jail and when she gets out of jail someone targets her for revenge before she can make the repairs on her time machine and leave the 21st century to go back to her own time. First of all, that is a better movie than the bullshit was originally and now it would be an appropriate vehicle for Ms. Angelina Jolie.

Basically, Angelina Jolie does not look like someone you would ever run into at a Starbucks. Some movies are about people who are just ordinary people that have extraordinary things happen to them. Some movies are the extraordinary have extraordinary things happen to them. Angelina Jolie needs to stick to the latter and not the former. She does not look like some suburban person. That’s not to say there are not beautiful suburban people. But most suburban people do not look like they may have mental telepathy abilities like Angelina Jolie does. If tomorrow you read in the newspaper that Angelina Jolie has the super human ability to fly – you would be shocked, but you would be a lot more shocked if Jason Biggs could fly. You would be far less shocked if you read that Angelina Jolie had any and all of Superman’s super powers.

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If I was in control of Angelina Jolie’s career, I would try to convince her that us spooning from the hours of 2pm – 6pm everyday was just as good as yoga and meditating and so forth. As far as her movie choices, she should only be playing characters that are super heroes/villains, from the future, aliens (different planet, universe or plane of existence), super models (they kind of all look like evolved humans anyway), or animated characters (she has a good voice).

Let me give an example of bad casting for Angelina Jolie – The Good Shepherd. It is a slow and long movie, but a good one. Angelina Jolie is not in it much, but she was terribly cast in this movie. It is a movie that follows Matt Damon’s character from college during the mid 20th century into early spy and espionage work during the inception of the C.I.A. Angelina Jolie’s character is the sister of Matt Damon’s college friend. So, Matt Damon is at a college reunion more or less and it just so happens his white as white can be friend’s sister is Angelina Jolie. WRONG. So we’re saying this guy, this nothing special, dime a dozen silver spoon white guy and Angelina Jolie both were concocted with the same soupy DNA mess from the same married couple? WRONG. Angelina Jolie does not look like just some guy’s sister. And even better, no one during the movie is like THAT’S YOUR SISTER! HOLY EFF! Eventually, Damon is almost forced into having sex with Angelina Jolie (so WRONG that it doesn’t make any sense) and then he ends up having to marry her because she gets knocked up in the process of the forced sex. Then the rest of the movie, Damon is all pissed he has to come home to Angelina Jolie. Just WRONG.

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In the movie Changeling, Angelina Jolie played a completely normal and unspectacular pre-stock market crash mother. What? No one during the Great Depression looked like Angelina Jolie. No one now looks like her. So bad casting. In the movie Wanted, Angelina Jolie plays a superhuman secret agent who can control the direction a bullet goes once it is fired and her job is to kill people that will change the destiny of the world for the worse. Good casting. I buy that. I buy that that is actually what Angelina Jolie does day to day. If someone edited out all of James McAvoy’s parts in that movie and kept all of Angelina Jolie’s scenes intact and told me it was a documentary then I would completely buy that.

Angelina Jolie is trekking around the world nabbing poor kids and raising them under lock and key in some “We are the world” style compound in California? Sure. She probably knows what she is doing seeing as her alien race’s planet comes from a future where war does not exist and everyone speaks a million languages including being able to communicate with simple beeps and boops from robots. So, let her have all the kids. Madonna is doing the same thing? What!?! Tell that bitch to quit ruining Guy Ritchie’s career, make a new dance song for me to listen to at the bars and to leave the kids to Angelina Jolie and her extraterrestrial master race. Ok!?!

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In conclusion, Angelina Jolie needs to be in more science fiction and fantasy movies that may or may definitely feature her wearing leather. She wears leather very well.

As far as television goes…

I’ve been watching Top Chef again recently. I don’t watch it all the time, but I end up watching some of it every once and awhile. Besides how gorgeous Padma is, two things that never get old:

1. Gail Simmons’ boobs.

2. The opening credits of WANTING IT.

I’ve talked about Gail Simmons and her boobs before and oddly enough it is one of the most searched terms to find this website. People want to know more about her boobs. She is on this season every once and awhile, but she does have a show of her own starting up and I’m almost tempted to watch it just to see how her boobs are doing. Sadly, in the advertisement for the show she is covering those bad girls up. Damn you, Gail! Let them out. Let them out for America.

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The opening credits of Top Chef is always hysterical. They show each competitor and for some reason they usually try and make it sexy. The person is taking off their chef jacket or looks at the camera like they want IT. The girls usually are throwing their hair around. These people cook, right? This isn’t a fashion show about cooking, right? Not to say these people are attractive or unattractive, but it is completely unnecessary for the beginning of the show to have a want IT roll call. Of course, there are some people who have been on Top Chef who are good looking like Amanda

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And she wants IT. She seemingly wants IT more than she can cook well because she got kicked off the show. They should give her a prize for wanting IT though. So, yeah – I was watching Top Chef when I wrote this post.

Questions for Friday.

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11 Responses to “Angelina Jolie ate my soul on Top Chef”

  1. susanelle said

    I loved Angelina Jolie in the two Lara Croft movies… she does a great kick-ass girl. She is gorgeous. My only problem with her is that every once in a while Jon Voight’s face from Midnight Cowboy jumps out at me and that is mildly unsettling. How many other gorgeous women are transvestite versions of their fathers? None, that’s how many.

  2. kt said

    I hated Amanda. I’m glad she finally got kicked off although I was expecting to kick of the chicken guy… I don’t remember his name.

    I watched Salt the other day and it was really good. She plays the ass kicking female so well.

  3. I have seen alarmingly few Angelina Jolie movies. Gone In Sixty Seconds, Girl Interrupted and The Bone Collector. That’s it. So basically I have somehow managed to go TEN YEARS without seeing her act.

    So we’re saying this guy, this nothing special, dime a dozen silver spoon white guy and Angelina Jolie both were concocted with the same soupy DNA mess from the same married couple? WRONG. Angelina Jolie does not look like just some guy’s sister.

    Excellent points. I was about to get all “WRONG, because she IS just some guy’s sister,” but then I googled her brother and realized that he may be the only person on this planet that is even more alien looking than Angelina herself. How come the otherworldly DNA seems to work in her favor, but just turns Brother Jolie into the creepiest man to ever exist? We ladies get the short end of the stick here. I call wild shenanigans.

    Don’t worry, we still like you. More than Gail Simmons’ boobs.

  4. Lala said

    Don’t worry, Jordan, you’re still amusing and I still read your blog every day. I mean, if I find a new younger male blogger, I can’t guarantee anything… but for now this is fine.

  5. Forgetful Lucy said

    I still read everyday and find you amusing.

    The following events actually happened:
    When I saw the ad for Gail’s new show I thought the same thing, why are her boobs all covered up?- Jordan will not be pleased.

    I might have mentioned you and your silly blog in conversation at a 4th of July party when I shared out loud that I thought it would be fun to take a day trip to Vegas for a mini KSWI-Con. I figured if you flew all the way to my time zone it was the least I could do. But- I also knew better than to travel out of state to visit a strange man alone and couldn’t get anyone to go with me on this insane adventure. FYI, I would have checked with you ahead of time to make sure this was ok.

    I had a great idea for a picture to enter in the “KSWI and so do I” contest for which I knew exactly what I wanted as my prize and how I would use it. I wanted the $36 dollars in cash. I wanted you to sign a single bill “KSWI by Jordan Newmark” to send me by mail and then I would have instructed you to use the remaining $35 to cover travel expenses and drinks when you traveled to your neighboring NJ city to meet the amazing HB. I totally googled it. Seriously, you kids need to hang out.

    I may have mentioned you again while watching UFC118 when BJ Penn showed up on screen. Because I was like, “Oh that blog dude I mentioned on the 4th is the MMA person for Asylum.com and that’s why I even know who BJ Penn is”. This may be why the cute boy I was with hasn’t called another hang out. Damn you Jordan! Note to self: Jordan must be kept on the DL.

    Lastly, will you and Dawgz be relocating to the Trump buliding in beautiful Jersey City? The gang on “The Next Design Star” had to decorate an apartment there for a challenge and that’s what I wondered.

    Unemployment seems to be agreeing with you and I’m glad the blog has survived. For awhile there I wasn’t sure we would make it past your birthday or Eclipse or the anniversary of KSWI. Well done.

    PS- I’m enjoying Jersey Shore-Miami much more than last season. It’s less skeevy and Vinnie is kind of my favorite. Also, I went to a Country club in OK once with Dancing and LIVE bull riding inside the back of the club. Yes, LIVE as in actual bulls with horns and everything. It was cool and scary at the same time. Suprisingly it did not smell like a barn.

    • Forgetful Lucy said

      Make that UFC117 because I can not in fact predict the future.

    • IT’S YOUUU! I was just thinking about you yesterday. I think a normal person would find it slightly disconcerting that you’re googling locations and planning a rendezvous unbeknownst to them, but I’m just excited to see you ’round these parts again.

      “The Amazing HB” sounds like a good name for my magic act. You people and your hyping… like I could ever live up to it.

      Also, cute boy’s loss, for the record. Loser. Come be my Jersey Shore date for the night. I have beer.

  6. brandy said

    great post as usual sir.

    i have a non-post related question for friday.

    there are rumors that “the situation” will be on the next dancing with the stars, a reality competition show i do not and will not watch.

    there are also rumors that teen mom bristol palin will also be on that show.

    will you please write a fictional post about the love connection that occurs when those two share the dance floor?

    kthnx.

  7. Amy D said

    I like Angelina Jolie a lot better when she has some meat on her bones. Now she looks a bit frail and it ruins the rough girl on girl fantasy I have about her.

    Won’t be around tomorrow, going to Montana, so no questions from me. Still luv ya though!

  8. kt said

    I just read that Robert Pattinson is probably gonna be in that Angelina movie you talked about up there… the fully normal cop killing female one. I thought it was relevant. Its like 6 degrees of Kristen Stewart or something.

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