Take 12 Fairly Recognizable Faces Put Them In A House And Then Make Them DANCE!

Well, she was right. One of your fellow commentters made a seemingly baseless claim last week that The Situation from the beloved Jersey Shore and former Vice Presidential candidate/catastrophe Sarah Palin’s famously fertile daughter Bristol Palin would be on the next season of Dancing with the Stars. AND SHE WAS RIGHT! I can only imagine there are a few scenarios as to why this is right:

1. She can see the future. I’m not saying that is a high probability, but the Situation and Bristol Palin!?! Those are some random ass “stars” to be correct about.

2. She works for ABC and risked her job and livelihood to pass along this information ahead of the curve. And for that I say, DON’T DO THAT AGAIN! I mean definitely risk your job over reading and commenting on the site – sure – that’s a given. But everything else? No. You need to keep your job to make money to have a computer to read what I say on the other end of the internet on my computer.

3. She has taken an ABC employee hostage and/or knows someone who has taken an ABC employee hostage and then interrogated them about what secrets they know and all they got was Bristol and Sitch. Fair enough.

Nevertheless, as mentioned she was 100% correct and yesterday I saw on Yahooooooooooooooooooooo! who the entire cast of Dancing with the Stars would be. There are some very interesting people on the show and even more interesting is I do not watch the show. That’s probably not that interesting and it was more hyperbolic than anything to say that these people are “very” interesting, but you get my point – I’m going to write about this ish anyway, so get your fucking hats on. “Fucking” hats? “Fucking hats”? Fucking “hats”!?! Your choice. Get ’em on. And let’s roll.

There he is. Cut out of the softest granite ever. There couldn’t be a more nonthreatening man of muscles than the Situation. The more you watch the UFC or Mixed Martial Arts or boxing the more you start realizing that big enormous pumped up like a balloon muscles are not really helpful in terms of fighting. They cut down on mobility and could kill a person’s cardio because muscles take a lot of oxygen to work. It really comes down to if a person has trained to fight and more their psycho factor in the fight. You have to like fighting to be good at it. Anyway, sometimes you still see some jacked up meathead and that animal instinct of more muscles means physical prowess and sometimes you see The Situation who clearly has worked his body into a muscle mess because girls want to hook up with that muscle mess. The Situation is probably pound for pound the most muscley guy and the least physically threatening ever. It could be he is not that tall, it could be his effeminate fashion style and mannerisms, it could be his enigmatic hair cut, he looks like he has small hands, it could be him getting drunk in clubs wearing aviators indoors and smoking Parliament ultra lights like a high school girl. It could be all those things.

It could also be that the Situation is trying to have fun at all times and hook up with girls at all times and no where in what I just wrote involves the Situation having to ball up a fist and hit someone with it. Anyway, the Situation is on the TV show and I’m excited, but the premise of Dancing with the Stars kind of ruins the idea of the Situation being on it. What I mean – none of these “stars” really interact with each other. They don’t all live in a house together. They don’t train dancing together. They just see each other a couple times a week to dance against each other and are rated by judges who I never heard of before this show started.

There she is… Miss Middle-America! I really wish that this show allowed for more interaction between the “stars” because then there would be those tremendous cross-overs between the Situation and Bristol and whoever else I’ll later talk about. But where is the fun in that. Where is the fun in guessing the two of them and the others will only share pleasantries and nothing more. Let’s assume they do live in a house and how each would interact with The Situation.

I think Bristol … errr… I KNOW Bristol Palin would like The Situation. First, let me say I’m glad Bristol has had a change of career from unwed and teenage pregnant to an actress. The Situation would definitely like Bristol because she is cute, young and famous. Also, if she is anything like her mother then she’ll continue to be good looking for awhile. As much as I think Sarah Palin is actively trying to destroy the United States of America, I will give her credit that she is a good looking woman. I keep expecting my brain to sync up with my eyes and be like “Well, I think she is a horrendous influence on the citizens of the USA and is brainwashing women across this country into buying catchphrases that mean nothing like ‘momma grizzlies’, so I should have enough dislike for her… she is good looking. Looking good, Sarah. Looking real good as always.” If I met Sarah Palin, I wouldn’t say anything mean or unsavory to her because I would be smiling right back at her like an idiot. She’s a pretty lady. She’s a pretty lady shaking my hand and smiling at me and telling me it is nice to meet ya’. Anyway, Bristol’s a cute girl and who doesn’t like them?

Bristol would like the Situation. Why? Well, look at her previous relationship. She clearly went “all the way” with Levi – there is a baby to prove it. I’m guessing Bristol’s attraction to Levi wasn’t for his brains. I can’t imagine Levi quoting Plato or discussing the human experience through Foucault’s belief we all live in an invisible prison. No, I cannot imagine that and seriously no female wants that anyway. Washboard abs? Yes. They want that and Situation has it. I would guess that ole’ hockey star Levi was a braggadocios popular loud mouth kid in Alaska and Bristol was attracted by this frat boy alpha-male the way most women tend to be. I doubt Levi was the brooding, climb in your bedroom window and let’s walk through the woods type of guy – and the Situation isn’t either. Nor is her father. Not to get into a female Oedipal complex or anything, but Todd strikes me as similar to Levi. He’s a big talking, secessionist loving, goattee sporting, snow mobile racing type. I’m guessing she doesn’t think her father is a bad guy, so all-in-all I think she would like the party all the time Situation.

The Hoff! The Hassle Hoff! I’m not entirely sure if David Hasslehoff has sworn off booze and the like because of the video of him with the cheeseburger a few years back, but either way if he lived with the Situation for a night or two he’d be back on or off or whatever with the wagon and drinking and partying again. I think the Hoff would love the Situation. One main reason: the Situation would verbally blow the Hoff. The Situation wouldn’t know Christopher Nolan or Wes Anderson if he saw them, but he’d know Hasslehoff. I bet the Situation would talk to Hasslehoff non-stop about how bad ass he is for being on Baywatch and Knight Rider and how much ass he got. Even though that was well over a decade ago, the Situation would be like a time machine to Hasslehoff making him feel like he was in his 20’s again mixing it up with Nicole Eggert before she went bakery food crazy and ended up on a celebrity weight loss show or before Yasmin Bleeth became a recovering heroin addict or before Pamela Anderson was radioactive from all the STDs she must have. The two of them would get along FAMOUSLY!

Back to Bristol, she’s just a kid and is probably used to some maid or inhouse help cooking her dinner every night and guess who does that? Situation. She would love the Situation for cooking her dinner every night. I would too, honestly. So, she has this muscley, pseudo alpha-male, nonthreatening, dancing guy who is now cooking for her. And he’s shirtless most of the time. She would be into it.

Brandy. I’ve always though Brandy was hot, just wanted to get that out of the way. Brandy would sort of like the Situation. I think he would get on her nerves a ton, but in the end she wouldn’t have hate for him because he is just trying to have fun. I doubt they would get along too much. She isn’t interested in the Situation. I’m pretty sure she has a couple kids and a husband and is older than the Situation. Also, I would bet she has dated athletes and real men who have muscles that are used to do manly things and not just take their shirts off to get drunk girls at clubs to put their hands on his ripped stomach.

Back to Bristol, I think Bristol would also like the Situation because she is from Alaska and he is from New York. He’s from Staten Island or Long Island or something, but if you’re born and raised in Alaska then someone from Vermont could technically say they are from New York City to you and you would buy it. Alaska is about a billion miles from any metropolis like New York City, so the Situation is that star-crossed, he’s from a different foreign world that I wish I was apart of, Romeo of the Eastern seaboard.

Kurt would probably hate the Situation. If anything, I think the Situation would remind Kurt of the years he spent as a New York Giant, which many (including Kurt) would like to pretend never happened. Also, I can’t imagine Kurt will be any good on this show. First, he’s white. Second, he’s a quarterback not known for being mobile. Third, did I mention his whiteness? Kurt is older, never known for being fleet footed, he’s almost offensively white and I think that covers it. Kurt Warner is a freak athlete at throwing a professional tackle football at people when in the colors of the St. Louis Rams and the Arizona Cardinals – I do not think that will at all translate to the dance floor.

Couldn’t you just imagine Bristol hand-in-hand with the Situation on whatever next failed campaign trail Sarah Palin signs up for? Hopefully, Snooki is with McCain – they clearly have some vomit inducing connection. I think DJ Pauly D and Michael Steele would get along pretty well. If anything, I would imagine that Michael Steele could use a DJ with a penis piercing at his next fetish orgy he is throwing. I’ve never been to a fetish orgy, but I would bet that a guy knowing how to use some turn tables to keep the dance beat going wouldn’t be too bad to have.

That is supposed to be Jennifer Gray or Grey. I can’t remember which way she spells it. Either way, it doesn’t look like her. I wouldn’t have known that was her unless the image told me it was her, so the Situation might not recognize her either. The Situation will definitely hit on her and so forth like he does with all women, but I would bet a billion dollars that he would rather have her tell him stories about Patrick Swayze than anything else. I know that’s what I’m thinking.

Michael Bolton. Just let that sink in for a minute. I think Michael Bolton is completely over his days of being wild and crazy considering he has been over them for about 20 years now. Michael Bolton at one time was a metal singer or a hair metal singer I should say. Then he started making the horrible hits that we really remember him for and he made millions and millions of dollars. I’m pretty sure he couldn’t care less about the Situation. I imagine that if they did live in a house together that Bolton would hang out with everyone the least. When he moved into the house he would have a 20 man crew deliver a 500 pound metal tube with wires and flashing lights to his bedroom. It would be calibrated and installed. In between calls home to his kids and family and meals, Bolton would retire to his bedroom to enter the space age device and sleep or rest or achieve near telekinetic powers with whatever that tube does.

Margaret Cho would hate the Situation. Hate him. I’m betting Cho is serious about her comedy thinking that the Situation being seen as humorous is a slap in the face of all things holy in comedy. Meanwhile, Margaret Cho’s rise to and fall from fame was centered around her doing impressions of her mother as a female Charlie Chan. So, stop taking yourself so seriously. That’s just my guess though. Stand-up comics are an angry and serious bunch. I would bet her and the Situation would get into fights on the regular.

I haven’t mentioned Bristol in a bit. I would imagine that the more time Bristol Palin spent with the Situation the higher the bump in her hair would get, she would pick up cigarette smoking, she would dress sluttier, and be tanner. Pretty much, I think the Situation would slowly transform her into a taller version of Snooki.

Rick Fox would love the Situation similarly to how David Hasselhoff would love the Situation. Pretty much identical. It would be the time machine factor. If you overheard any conversation between the Situation and Rick Fox you would think it was 1994. I bet there would be some story of Rick Fox hooking up with Jasmine Guy and the Situation would be eating it up with a spoon. Plus Rick Fox is obviously still a young at heart type of guy – he is dating Eliza Dushku. Yeah, the one and only Eliza Dushku. Haven’t heard that name in a minute. I don’t know how these two ended up together, but all the props in the world to Rick Fox.

Florence Henderson. I would bet that the Situation has heard the name, but doesn’t know who she is. I doubt the two of them would talk or interact much. I would imagine that Florence Henderson has her life pretty well figured out at this point considering she is 76. I would bet a million billion trillion dollars though if they all lived together there would be at least one phenomenally hilarious and disgusting moment where the Situation gives FloHen a lap dance. Seriously! It writes it fucking self. You know that that would happen. Everyone would be there laughing and clapping along – even killjoy Margaret Cho and space man Michael Bolton. It would be like this…

But a lot more graphic. A lot more. Like touching would be involved.

I don’t know who this kid is, so there is no chance the Situation does either. I looked him up and he was on That’s So Raven. I really have no clue what he would be like. I would bet that due to relative age he should be down to have fun with Situation. He’s the youngest of the bunch at 19. I have no idea who this kid is. He could be anything from a practicing Reverend to a pussy hound. All is possible.

Lastly, I think Situation would probably treat Bristol like his kid sister. I’m not saying he wouldn’t do anything devious to her given the opportunity because she isn’t his kid sister, but in general I bet he would be nice to her – he seems to be nice to everyone in the Jersey Shore house. She has that Shawn Johnson sweetness about her like she could have been walking through a forest one day and discovered elves who live in trees that make chocolate chip cookies. And she was sworn to secrecy about these magical little elves, but ever since that day she has known something that is so wholesome in the world that her smile has forever changed. Also, she is the product of a wild mother. I would imagine that really Chelsea Clinton and Bristol Palin would have a lot in common to some degree. They are the daughters and at times the right hand women of crazily ambitious mothers.

And there is one more contestant on Dancing with the Stars…

Yeah. I think the Situation would like Audrina. I think he would like her so much that the by week two she would be filing for a restraining order against him. Have you seen how much the Situation went after Sammi? Sammi!?! Have you seen how he goes after these drunk club chicks who he later calls rhinos, grenades and hippos? Could you imagine the never ending assault he would lay on Audrina?

I really wish they all were going to live in a house together instead of dance.

My money is on David Hasslehoff. That’s both my heart and my mind’s choice. If I made a second guess I think Brandy would win.