Monday. Oh, Monday drizzly Monday. I have yet to feel your drizzly nature on my white face, my oh so pale white face that is flecked with red facial hair. The pleasant sounds of the street sweeper sweep by, but it sounds unlike a sweeper of the streets. It sounds more like a rapid moving carnivore eating the concrete it supposedly sweeps, so concreteiovore. All the muted tones are deeper in color soaked in your drizzliness. The sidewalks usually live in an unnoticeable color an almost non-existent light brown color. Now it is a rich tan like cookie dough flecked with black asphalt for chocolate chips. Walking on well baked chocolate chip cookies. The cars. Oh, the cars. They whoosh passed on the black asphalt streets. This whooshing like an ice skater in a sequin dress gaining speed for an aerial assault on the black asphalt. And the voices. The voices caressing my ear holes. Their words riding the man made ceiling fan made winds of my apartment. The words ride the wind like little cowboys and little cowgirls searching for an Oregon trail to my inner ear canal to my brain. These words and what these words mean. What are these words saying in tandem with the swooshing cars, the cookie walkways, the drizzly rain, the swept streets and my white bearded face? Cooking.

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I turned the TV on to give me some background noise and it is Julie & Julia. They keep blathering on about cooking. I fucking cook. Look at that breakfast. That’s a hell of a breakfast right there. Eggs, bagel, sausage, orange juice. I’m not following any recipes either Julie. That dish comes straight from me head! And do you want to talk about improvisation? I used Polly-O string cheese in those eggs. To be honest, the eggs weren’t the best. They were passable, but I’m a scrambled egg connoisseur. These eggs don’t cut the mustard if you know what I mean. Actually, they don’t cut anything. How could they? They’re scrambled eggs! If you are making sharp scrambled eggs then you are not making them correctly. I’m not happy the eggs were not the best, but in some strange way I was rooting for them not to be the best eggs I have ever had. Why? Polly-O fucking string cheese? The best scrambled eggs I ever make are with Polly-O string cheese? What a hassle? It is sheer luck I even had any cheese in my refrigerator apparently. On most scrambled egg making days, I throw some of that good ole’ shredded cheese in – maybe cheddar, maybe some monterey jack. I had already decided today was a scrambled egg day before I remembered I didn’t have shredded cheese. I usually substitute the shredded with sliced cheese, but I have not been to the cooled glass case of meats and cheeses deli counter in awhile, so what do I do? I randomly find Polly-O string cheese and I began the process of untethering the white cheese from the orange cheese. Momentarily, I am a racist cheesist until I rejoin the different color cheeses into the soupy scrambled egg mixture.

I’m sure that was thrilling for everyone. Today is Monday and that means we have all survived another weekend. Friday was low key. I drank red wine in Hoboken with a college friend. In the middle of said red wine drinking, said college friend needed to go to the grocery store for some cooking that needed to be done the following morning. I joined in the grocery store adventure. Not much to note in total, but there was one odd occurrence in the store. There is a seated section near the front of the store where one could eat if one desired so. There are sandwiches to buy or if one perhaps worked at the store and wanted a cafeteria style sitting arrangement to eat their purchased lunch or brought from home lunch then there would be your destination. Instead of a sandwich or anything resembling a sandwich, the man was on the finishing end of eating a 1/3 of a watermelon. Indeed! With a plastic disposable spoon et al! It was cartoon like. It was like out of a cartoon. He must have had an enormous watermelon, which he had cut into Mercedes Benz emblem thirds or someone had done this for him and then he paid for a slice. Either way, he sat elbows akimbo with face near buried in the fruit shoveling sliver after plastic spoonful sliver into his watermelon hole. Friday night at 10pm eating a watermelon in public at a grocery store. I guess there are worse ways to spend an evening.

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Saturday night was spent en la ciudad de Nueva York. New York City. Wow, that’s amazing! Except that could very well be every evening for me, but I choose to be lazy and not go into New York City every night. It’s right there, but it’s oh so far away when my couch and digital cable are oh so close. We started off eating pizza at Lombardi’s, which is a famous place in New York City. That makes sense because it is in New York City. If it was famous in Dallas and not famous in New York City then that would be odd. It, Lombardi’s, claims to have the best pizza in the world or in the city, that being New York City. I can’t remember exactly, but either claim is a mighty one. Many knew of this claim and that is why we waited 45 minutes or so for a table. I must admit the pizza was very good. That makes it sound like I did not want to admit that I liked the pizza. Oh contraire! I will gladly admit that the pizza was great. Easily, admit it. I am more than willing. But was it the best pizza in the city? I don’t know. And in that hesitancy I feel like that answers the question already. It was great pizza. The sauce was great. The cheese was great. The dough was great. The little pepperonis on the pizza I ordered were great. But I did not have a moment of outer body experience or instant reflection where I said this is the greatest pizza I have ever ate on the confines of the island of Manhattan as well as surrounding boroughs the Bronx, Brooklyn, Queens and Staten Island. I am glad I ate there. I am glad I ate there because it was great pizza. I am also glad I ate there so if some know it all tries to out know it all me and say, “have you ever ate the pizza at Lombardi’s?” I can respond “FUCK YOU!” Fuck you, know it all. I could also respond, “yes, I have.”

After Lombardi’s, we ended up at a bar called Mason Dixon. This bar was not named for the Rocky Balboa villain played by professional boxer Antonio Tarver. This bar was seemingly a “southern” themed bar referring to the Mason Dixon line we all remember so well from Middle School history. This meant there was a mechanical bull, wood paneling, and they served sweet tea vodka. I drank no sweet tea vodka, I didn’t ride the bull, but I did admire the wood*. I did drink beers and watch the drunken bull riders though. One friend who was there with me made comment that watching drunks at a bar riding a mechanical bull is a lot like watching Nascar and just waiting for a car wreck. I would have to agree. Generally speaking, a positive outcome for a spectator watching a drunken bull rider can only come about in a limited number of ways. First, there are only two types of bull riders: male and female human. No dogs or any domesticated animals allowed. No actual bulls are allowed to ride mechanical bulls. And no mechanical bulls that have obtained consciousness can ride other mechanical bulls that have yet to make such a transformation as the other. It is purely limited to guys and girls peoples. A girl rider allows for two possible positive bull riding outcomes for the spectator: thrown from the bull in an injuring manner or a boob pops out. If one is really lucky, both can occur. For a male rider, the only positive outcome for me as the spectator is if they get bucked from the mechanical bull in a devastating fashion. Neither a guy or girl got hurt riding the bull from what I saw, which was somewhat disappointing. We did have a boob pop out and a boob almost pop out. So that was good.

Lastly, Sunday, the Sun day, I found myself back in New York City. It was not by accident. I did not wake up there unannounced. I went willingly to see Scott Pilgrim vs. The World in the theaters yet again with a friend. Upon second viewing, I really am disappointed in the people of the world not seeing this movie. I think this is easily the most enjoyable film I’ve seen all year. Followed by The Other Guys. I really did like Inception and enjoyed it a lot. But The Other Guys made me laugh until I wanted to stop laughing because I was tired of laughing meanwhile no other comedy this year provided much laughter. And, from the music to the look to the action to the humor to the storyline to the inventiveness – Scott Pilgrim is head and shoulders above everything else I have seen this year. I will say my favorite portion of the movie is definitely the Clash at Demonhead section and, specifically, the fight with Brandon Routh.

So, what did you do this weekend?

It’s Friday, which means something.

I had a dream last night that was terrifying. I’m not sure why it ended up this way, but I found myself watching a romantic comedy with Ed Norton and Anne Hathaway. He was a firefighter with a mustache and she was an artist and I wanted to kill myself. Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!

I can partially blame the upcoming film Love And Other Drugs for some of the dream.

I thought this movie sounded good when I read about it and I still thought it seemed good for the first 20 seconds or so of the trailer when Jake Gylkadhsfkjhadsjfkhaaall was showing how he tricks girls into falling in love with him. Even though I think it is entirely ridiculous that Jake Gylenitdoesntmatterhowispellhisnameweknowwhoimtalkingabouthaal has to play head games with girls to get head from them later because he’s the damn Prince of Persia! and for the indie crowd he’s the damn Donnie Darko! He’s an attractive young male in excellent physical condition – if we were monkeys he would get to pick and choose which mates he wanted. And oddly enough, we are evolved monkeys and now his evolution is he gets to start in movies pretending like he needs to trick women like the sad sacks who will pay to see the movie. Oh the irony.

The movie kind of breaks down when Jake meets his “match” in Anne Hathaway. She is not only the girl who he falls in love with, but she’s the only girl smart enough to deal with his charisma and 100 mph brain. Anne does this by sleeping with him immediately (smart girl) and then roping him in for the rest of her life by seemingly dying of cancer or something (even smarter girl). That’s how you do it ladies. There is the blueprint to getting the man of your dreams right there. Good stuff.

So, I would rather kill myself than see that movie. Anne was in my dream more or less playing the role she is playing in that trailer. I have no idea why Ed Norton was in the dream with the mustache he had in The Italian Job. And he was a firefighter. It was awful though. Don’t go see that movie either. If some Hollywood producers make the movie that was in my brain (it’s happened before) and you see Ed Norton as a mustached firefighter trying to have a romantic relationship with free wheeling Anne Hathaway – RUN! It isn’t worth the $10 it costs to see a movie nowadays.

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Jersey Shore was incredible last night. I don’t know what to say about it because I wrote 2700 words yesterday about it and no one said anything then. Great episode. It made me laugh a lot.

And I’ll stick by my reviews from earlier in the week about The Expendables and Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. Not many movies worth seeing are coming out for the next month and a half. Piranha 3D is probably pretty entertaining. I want to see Machete to see Trejo and Steven Seagal in double machete fight scene. That should be the greatest thing ever, Expendables was also supposed to be the greatest thing ever and wasn’t. If you can’t trust old action stars then who can you trust nowadays?

I’m really falling in love with this song…

I also find it funny that they play it on MTV in between shows like Jersey Shore as much as they do because the lyrics are kind of the anti-thesis to the show. I haven’t been to a dance club in a minute, but I would imagine this song is pretty big on the turn-tables and, again, the lyrics are pretty much the anti-thesis to the people who are probably dancing to the song.

I just did a little tour of the internet to see if there was anything to write about. I read this yesterday, forgot it because it is horrifying and then re-read it. Fred Armisen from Saturday Night Live – he usually portrays Obama or David Patterson – was going out with Elisabeth Moss from Mad Men. That was kind of shocking in its own right. He’s like 15 or so years older than her and he also looks the way he looks and she looks the way she looks. But you just shrug your shoulders and are like “well, they know better than me, I guess”. But but, they broke up! Actually Fred broke up with Elisabeth because he was already starting a new odd relationship with Abby Elliott. Dios mio!

If you don’t know who Abby Elliott then welcome to the fucking club. Why is Saturday Night Live even still on the air? I’m not saying the show should be gotten rid of completely. But maybe before they just throw another 90 minutes of shit onto TV sullying what was once a revered television show, they should see if it is funny first. If it is not funny then they apologize that they couldn’t come up with 90 minutes and instead will just put anything else on TV that isn’t a sketch comedy show that lacks comedy. That still didn’t explain who Abby is.

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Abby is 20 years younger than Fred and she’s a cute redhead who seemingly couldn’t find a single male in NEW YORK CITY under 20 years older than her who was half the man Fred Armisen was/is. If I’m a book publisher right now, I would sign up Fred Armisen and Wilmer Valderama for book deals. These book deals would be of the self-help variety. Fred’s book would be about how do you pick up women like real life, there’s no Mekhi Phifer, attractive women. As far as we know, he is batting 2 for 2 on that front.

Learning how to pick-up a supermodel is dubious. I’ve never even met a supermodel let alone struck out with one. But cute and sassy chick who works and lives in New York City and rides the subways and listens to The National. That is knowledge. Getting those girls is what this entire internet dating scene is about. So, Fred Armisen writes the book on that.

Wilmer Valderama could write a few books for me. One of them would have to be how do you have secret and then public relationships with underage teen starlets and now even get a whiff of jail time. That is definitely a book right there. That is a book worth reading. I doubt I could ever put his tips into any practice, but it would be an interesting read. He dated I think three different chicks who were all in that “we’re illegal to have sex with, kiss, talk to, think about, call on the phone, email, go see the movies of if you aren’t with a child that is legally your own” age category – Mandy Moore, Lindsay Lohan and I think Mila Kunis as well. That’s one book.

The second book of his could also be written by some other actors – making cool people think you are cool while the entire rest of the world thinks you are not cool. Am I alone on this? Did anyone watch That 70’s Show and think “You know that foreign guy who says two things an episode, Fez, well I would bet that guy is at all the trendy parties in Hollywood nailing starlets.” If I saw Wilmer Valderama in the street (which I have) I wouldn’t give a flying fuck (which I didn’t). I mean, I saw Richard Belzer on the street and I at least gave him a “hey” and a head nod like “I know who you are and you’re famous and I recognize that.”

So they would write those books. They would sell well.

I like this song as well.

I hope you have a great weekend.

But the show is still called…

The Jersey Shore!

And I love it.

Today is Thursday aka Jueves aka Thursday, that means nothing else to me these days than a new episode of The Jersey Shore is on at 10pm (EST mofos aka “the correct time” aka I don’t have time to figure out what individual hours this show comes on for each one of y’all and your imaginary hour schemes). I have mentioned The Jersey Shore once I believe this season and, of course, that is just not enough. Besides being one of the most popular television shows out there, the characters from it are crossing every line of popculture decency with Snooki having a flirtatious relationship with Arizona Senator, former Presidential Republican nominee, plain old ass man John McCain.

Needless to say for the hundredth time, I love the damn show. Love it. I first became enthralled by the show before I even saw it. When I heard there was an MTV reality TV show being set in Seaside, NJ on the boardwalk I was already sold. I have experienced the wildness and the wilding that occurs during the summers at the bars in Seaside on the boardwalk and at the dance clubs a hundred feet off the boardwalk. It is just madness. But it is a fun type of madness because whether or not I dress or look or act like any of the other people frequenting these places of alcohol business and loud music everyone is there for a good time. By far most of the people there are not from the Seaside or the surrounding areas. These people traveled to Seaside to get drunk, dance and hit on slutty chicks who are also getting drunk and dancing. So, I loved the idea of the show to begin with, but the show sold me from the first moment one character in particular opened his mouth and gave us all a peak into the inner workings of his juiced up meat head mind:

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BOOM! The Situation! Mike “The Situation”. Brilliant, just fucking brilliant. They have paid writers and directors and producers and consultants and thousands upon thousands of people in the entertainment industry to create a character half as good as “The Situation” and most have failed completely. Every episode of last season had some highlight or another from The Situation. That first episode of The Jersey Shore was hysterical and it was almost completely because of The Situation. Immediately, people were talking the next day about these people and through repetition and taking his shirt off every 2 seconds, The Situation was hands down the name everyone remembered the most.

Throughout last season and into the first few episodes of this season, people have gained a fondness for another character or for multiple characters, but it was The Situation who started and continues to make it happen. I’ve heard a lot of people say they are big fans of Vinny right now. Yeah, Vinny is great. I won’t deny that. But Vinny is a nice hidden gem b-side of an album you bought because you heard the hit single on the radio. The hit single is The Situation. You only know who Vinny is because of the attention grabbing nature that The Situation brought to this television show.

Because of all this, when I noticed that The Situation had a fan page of Facebook – I joined. That was awhile ago and this “friendship” or “like-ship” or whatever has paid off. The Situation has some hysterical Facebook updates sometimes with pictures, sometimes with videos, sometimes just musings from what has to be a brain nearly suffocated by tanning spray and hair spray fumes. Meanwhile, other The Jersey Shore cast members have pages as well, but they have no enthusiasm for them and are most likely run by some MTV or consultant intern. Snooki clearly runs her own twitter or however she communicates, but it is just idiotic ramblings. I don’t want to read her thoughts on Obama. The Situation isn’t talking about Obama unless he is inviting the President to a dance party he is hosting in DC. That is why The Situation is the best.

The Situation posts pictures – lots of them. Vinny has two pictures on his Facebook page. Two! The Situation has 101 pictures on his Wall. I’m not talking about profile pictures or separate galleries he posts (which he does) – I’m talking about Wall pictures. I’m talking about “here I just snapped this photo for you and thought you should see it immediately – SiTcH” out of the kindness of his heart Wall pictures! So, I grabbed some of my favorites including the picture above. Let’s talk about the pictures and my thoughts on The Jersey Shore.

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Amazing. This is exactly why I hate umbrellas. There is no way you can look at this picture and not immediately think that The Situation looks like a sissy holding this umbrella. Holding an umbrella is about the least manly thing to do ever. Even when holding an umbrella for a woman is lame. There is no tough way to hold an umbrella. If you hold it by the handle you look like an ultra-sissy, if you hold it on the metal rod you look a little less sissy, but then you look like an idiot because there is a perfectly acceptable handle right below your hand. I blame Mary Poppins. I don’t know why she gets the brunt of the blame because she didn’t invent umbrellas, but there has never been a time when I’ve used an umbrella where I haven’t thought of Mary Poppins and how idiotic I feel holding an umbrella. And umbrellas are an imperfect piece of technology. Sure it protects you from the rain – if that rain is falling straight down – but it sure as hell cannot stand up to a single gust of wind. You could spend $1000 on an umbrella and if any wind with some mph in it comes through – your umbrella explodes.

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HEY OH! Yeah, this is more like it. I would imagine this happens to The Situation about 3 times a week. Although, generally they are not famous or hot girls doing this…

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Yes, that is Kristin Cavallari from Laguna Beach and The Hills fame. The other girl is one of Kristin’s friends who seemingly is the only one of her high school classmates that doesn’t have their own show on MTV. I absolutely love the fake-smile on DJ Pauly D’s face. I don’t want to sound like I only like The Situation. I am a big fan of every person on The Jersey Shore. Well, I’m not a big fan of Sammi, but she is brilliant in her own way. The way she has hypnotized that mini-hulk Ronnie is just spectacular. Angelina kinda sucks too, but she seems to be the promiscuous type and as a single male I have to respect that.

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Yes! Yes! Yes! First of all, you didn’t think Kristin was the only member of the OC celebrity contingent who wants to hang out with The Situation? Brody Jenner, son. Bow wow, son. The title of this picture on Facebook is:

The Sitch – Bow wow – n Brody Jenner – Vegas Baby

I couldn’t have said it any better, Sitch. Where the hell in “Vegas Baby” is this? The three of them look blunted and well they look real blunted. I can almost understand The Situation hanging out with Bow Wow… almost – they’re both celebrities, right? I can understand Brody Jenner hanging out with The Situation because their “jobs” seem to be making appearances at bars. But I can’t understand them all being together at the same time and taking a picture together. And as blunted as they are, look how into the picture The Situation is. Bow Wow has been in the rap business for awhile, so being blunted and in front of people isn’t new to him. Brody looks wary of this whole operation. But Sitch doesn’t care. He could have a gun to his head and knife to his testicles and he’ll smile for the camera or make some “blue steel” face or point or do something because the man is fucking selling it every second of the day.

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Wow, this does not look natural. Throwing a baseball is not something The Situation is used to do doing. But he looks like he is going for it though. His face is straining, his steroid arms are flexing.

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This picture looks even more unnatural than the picture before. We have J-Woww, DJ Pauly D (of course), a 6’2″ blonde model in a sexualized World War I inspired swimsuit and bullet belt, “Iron” Mike Tyson,  Snooki, and The Situation. Even better is the stamp approved “LIFE” in the corner telling us that it was in fact the American institution Life Magazine that is responsible for capturing this truly wonderful moment. Thank you Life.

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GLORIOUS! Fucking GLORE-EE-YUS! I would love to hear someone explain to me why this hasn’t been made into a buddy cop film. Did anyone see Cop Out? If you did then you made a mistake with your life. Did Kevin Smith really need to pay Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan to make a shitty buddy cop movie? Did whatever studio really need to pay Kevin Smith to make a shitty buddy cop movie? No. The answer is no. This right here is your buddy cop movie and no need for a script because these two can improv the whole film.

I have a theory that if you zoom out far enough on any pictures of Michael Jordan you will find Charles Oakley. I have a similar theory that if you zoom out far enough on any pictures of Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino you will find “DJ Pauly D” Paul DelVecchio. And for good fucking measure! Charles Oakley is Michael Jordan’s bodyguard and has been since they played together in Chicago many Moons ago. Pauly and Sitch have realized something a lot quicker than any of their castmates and that this is their shot at making it. Not only are they getting paid to have fun, but they can use this celebrity to create businesses around themselves. They try to stay positive on the show, they try to keep giving the cameras what they want and even more so why shouldn’t they? Seriously, Ronnie is missing out huge by being a complete moron on that show. He spends all his time either with boring ass Sammi or getting faced and looking like an idiot because of her. You can’t start a career with that. DJ Pauly D is an actual DJ and he is getting paid a lot nowadays to DJ because of this show. He is getting paid on the show, getting paid to do appearances because of the show, and his regular “job” being a DJ now costs people supposedly high 5 figures for a week of his “work”.

Snooki is trying to capitalize on this as well as J-Woww, but they’re not doing great jobs at it so far. They’re all making money on club appearances and pretty much all of them are starting clothing companies. Meanwhile, The Situation and Pauly were on Reebok commercials! That is a lot bigger deal than anything else the others have done.

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Also, The Jersey Shore kids re-negotiated for more money, SUCCESSFULLY I might add, for the third and fourth season of the show. That is a great job by them. Supposedly, they are getting $40k an episode. That’s not millions of dollars, but that is a lot better than any critics would expect a bunch of dance club rejects to be making on a show that is about them being dance club rejects. The kids from The Real World are not making $40,000 an episode and for good reason.

I am only making an assumption on this, but I would credit this bump in pay to The Situation. I would be shocked if he wasn’t one of the founders of the idea they should get more money an episode and figure out how to do it. The guy is a natural salesman. And it also feeds straight into my idea that the roles of the characters in The Jersey Shore remind of the characters on Friends. Clearly, The Situation is Ross. Mike Sorrentino is David Schwimmer.

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I have no idea what this collage of pictures is trying to tell us, but it is mesmerizing. The Situation, Snooki doing a hand spring and Rob Dyrdek dressed in an all white suit, bow tie and hat. I love it though. I’ve read that Snooki was a cheerleader in high school and that’s why she knows how to do these tumbling dance moves. Also, the difficulty has to be a higher with the leather pants and the Ugg boots. Also also, it appears that this is happening in the middle of the day outside somewhere.

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Wow. I’ve learned so many things from looking at this picture. One – Lance Bass is taller than Pauly and Sitch or he has high heels on. As far as I know Lance Bass isn’t too tall so I’m far and away taller than Pauly who is the tallest person in The Jersey Shore house. Two – The Situation is always selling it. Always! Who knows why he is pretending to shoot the camera like a turn of the 90’s gangster from Boyz In Da Hood, but he is and thank you for it. Three – Jamie Lynn is one of those rare girls who is really hot and is completely oblivious to it. She dated Turtle! And she is hanging out with Lance Bass and Pauly and Sitch. I don’t think The Situation or Pauly hooked up with Kristin from The Hills and I’m not going to say they hooked up with Jamie Lynn, but I bet they had a pretty fucking good shot at hooking up with her over Kristin. She dated Turtle.

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Oh man! Javon Walker. Wow. I have to mention him first because the next two images are so astounding that I’ll never get to Javon. Javon Walker is also a professional athlete. Nevertheless, that is Jason “Admitted taking steroids and still plays professional baseball for the Colorado Rockies” Giambi….. and for some unknown beautiful reason he is throwing up “the shocker”. I love it. Who knows!?! BUT I LOVE IT! Also, The Situation is shooting and killing us again. This seems to be his move. Got to love the intense stare on Giambi’s face. The Situation is hammered and having fun. Javon Walker looks sober, but amiable. And I truly believe given the opportunity or not, Giambi is going to try and “shock” you.

I hinted at it – The Situation is Ross. There are more people in The Jersey Shore house than Friends, so there is some double duty being done. The Situation is Ross because he is a stalwart and a leader. Pauly and Ronnie are sharing the role of Joey – muscle head Italians. Vinny is Chandler – witty remarks and Vinny even does impressions. As for the girls, J-Woww is Monica. Monica was Courtney Cox, right? Either way, she is tough and mouthy. Snooki is Phoebe – always good for a laugh and is just living on a different planet mentally. And lastly, Angelina and Sammi are both trying to be Jennifer Aniston and failing miserably at it.

At this point, you’re probably thinking – “Ok, I get it. These pictures are funny. You are really funny, but how much longer can this go on for? It’s been 2500 words about this jackass from that stupid show and…

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YES! YES! THE WORDS! I cannot find the words to describe this picture! FUCK this picture is amazing! I love America! What in the hell is going on in this picture? I have no idea, but it is so beautiful.

From left to right –

Snooki, Snooki almost being groped and kind of being into it, New York City’s Jew Billionaire Former Republican Current Mayor Mike Bloomberg in a tuxedo, The Situation shirtless with a tie and sun glasses drunk, and some space hippie chick from the 70’s who time traveled to this exact point in the universe to complete the most random picture ever. What event could they all have been at that this would ever happen? Oh man, but thank you Jesus and all the multi-armed Hindi Gods for this one. Whew, that is just brilliant.

In conclusion, The Jersey Shore rules – The Situation is the backbone of its brilliance – friend him on Facebook because it is a gift that just keeps on giving.

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No guest blogger = no guest blog.

I slept ’til noon because this is my United States of Whatever.

And if we’re sitting around sleepy-eyed posting anime music videos featuring Cowboy Bebop then…

You have to post the greatest one, buddy.

Cheers.

Tuesday. Tuesday! TuesDAY! Tuesy tuesy tuesy TUESday! Toosie toosie toosie. TUESDAY!

Before I get into the ish that this post is about, I wanted to mention some other ish. Like this ish:

Oh, so good. Some human being, some glorious human being made a highlight reel of bully moments from 80’s movies. I love these movies. I love these movies like they are children I have never had and would still love more than any children I actually have in life. No real child of mine will give me as many laughs and nostalgic moments as Just One of the Guys. It is a fact that I can life with. Great video and if you haven’t seen all of those movies then shoot yourself in the foot with a gun and walk to the nearest Blockbuster or Best Buy and grab these DVDs. The bullet in your foot is to remind you with every step the pain your life has been without these movies in it, as well as your newly lossed toe will represent the part of your life where you weren’t complete because you hadn’t seen Three O’Clock High.

I wonder why there is not a large trend of movies from the bully’s perspective and what hell his life is losing his girl and reputation to whoever the biggest nerd in school happens to be. Generally the new kid as well. I know there has been a couple like this, but I’m surprised there are not more. For as much as we love 80’s movies, there are not many people taking the 80’s movies and reinventing it. Instead we get ass-hats who think Never Back Down is the new Karate Kid or even worse, people who think the new The Karate Kid is anything like the original The Karate Kid. In conclusion, you mess with the bull you get the horns.

Moving on… So this happened yesterday? And it was a big deal that this happened.

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What is happening? The zapruder film is easier to understand than this picture. Who took this picture? Sir Isaac Newton? Am I right!?! I don’t think I am right. Newton didn’t make the camera. Sure the reference works in the sense that if SIR Isaac Newton was resurrected for ish and giggles and we gave him one of his old old old timey cameras and told him to track down the elusive “Robsten” and take a picture of this majestic beast without alerting it in some way and to hide behind a trashcan when taking this picture that his picture would come out like ish like this.

On the other hand, the reference is more or less just saying that SIR Isaac Newton is an old mofo and his old technology takes old ass pictures. So I could reference anyone at any point in history. The idea of the camera has been around since the days before the magical one walked the Earth who changed calendars forever. My joke could be – “who took this picture? Julius Caesar?”, but not “who took this picture? Karkut of the Northern Cave People?” I don’t think either Karkut or Julius Caesar took this picture. They weren’t the visual artsy types. Caesar was more of a “doer” like conquering and killing and running empires. Karkut was more of a poet – remember his soft elegant words of Sonnet 264: An Ode to My Club:

I found ye’ on the ground

I use ye’ to bat people around

The dew in the morning smells sweet in the air

I have my own “dew” in clumps in my butt hair

I hope I don’t get eaten by a dinosaur tomorrow

Just beautiful. It brings a tear to my eye. The drama. The symbolism. The cold hard truth. The grim reality of living next to dinosaurs. You were a brave soul Karkut, a brave and gentle soul.

Back to the photo- who took this picture? John Strognofe? He did not take this picture, but he did invent the portable camera in 1685. Mr. Strognofe is getting little respect on the internet – he doesn’t even have a wikipedia page! Everyone has a wikipedia page! Nevertheless, John was born in Iraq and moved to the U.S.A. or the land that later becomes the U.S.A. and invents the camera there/here. At least that’s the general consensus I’m seeing on wikianswers and yahooanswers. I did also notice an anonymous rogue outlier who is passing along incorrect information that John Strognofe was from the Bahamas. Where do people come up with this ish!?! I’ve never even heard of the man. Most people say the exact thing I just said – 1685, born in Iraq, moved to USA, made the camera, took index card sized pictures on metal – and there is some jackass saying he’s from the Bahamas. Why the Bahamas? Why stop there? John Strognofe was born in the Bahamas with armor plated spikes on his back like a stegosaurus.

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There is definitely a car in the picture. I think. Is this a “Magic Eye” picture and no one is telling me? I’ve never been good at those. I don’t think I have ever seen what you are supposed to see in a “Magic Eye” picture. What’s this? A rocket ship. Oh, really? That’s funny because all I see is my hatred and anger for not being able to see a rocket ship. Fuck you and your unfocused eyes.

Holy eff, this picture is grainy. Do girls really get off to this picture? It’s worse than trying to masturbate to The Spice Channel when you don’t get The Spice Channel. And that ish wasn’t easy. Every 15 seconds or so a semi-clear image would expose itself through all the snow and static. But it wouldn’t be a good image either. It may be a boob, but the color is off, so it is a neon green boob and that isn’t as arousing as it sounds. That was if you were lucky. You could wait 15 seconds for some sort of visual stimulus and end up with a sweaty man’s butt or face. Enough about The Spice Channel, which was a porn channel on TV that sounded like the precursor to The Food Network and was only slightly sexier.

Ok, so what am I seeing in this picture? Rob is holding a purse and Kristen has an unfashionable tribal weave armband tattoo on her upper bicep. I don’t find the former surprising at all. Rob is British and as a white American male who watches professional tackle football, writes about cage fighting and has an American flag tattooed on him – all European guys are half gay. Am I right? So, Kristen is sporting some ink I see. I wouldn’t have pegged her as a frat boy tattoo haver, but we all make mistakes in Canada. I know I have. I once spent 4 nights in Montreal and two of those nights I lived off of Jack Daniels and tequila shots and pizza bought from a street vendor who was set-up outside of a jerk-booth theater. I got over my mistakes through severe psycho therapy and penicillin, she might be able to get another tattoo on top of that tattoo that looks like a mythical dragon or something. All’s well that ends well.

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I get it. I get it. They’re kissing. Or Rob hears with his mouth. Oh yeah, I should be like THEY’RE KISSING! SQWEEEEL!!! *fast clapping* *smile where I’m biting my bottom lip* But I’m not doing that because A. I have dignity, B. I thought I’ve seen them kiss before, C. wake me when there is 1080p, HD, h.264, 1920 x 1080 video of them blowing each other. And when I mean “blowing” – I’m using that as a generalized term. I get that Rob can’t “blow” Kristen the way the Bible taught us, but I mean they are both going down on each other – same time or not. Or it could be just sex. I’m not a prude. I really just liked the term “blowing each other”. So, wake me when they have a sex tape out. It could be 720p and not 1080p. That is still technically HD. So, I can live with that.

Basically, what I’m saying is that people should leave this couple alone when they’re trying to have a romantic moment of street kissing. And we should allow this budding puppy love to grow and stop tracking them like white tigers. That is until the day they put out a sex video for all to see. That will be a good day. I can give them one tip – DON’T USE THE ZOOM! The picture gets shakier the more you zoom. So keep the lens zoomed out. Also, don’t have the TV on in the background. It is really annoying to the viewer. I don’t want to hear David Letterman doing the Top 10 List in the background because it makes me feel weird the next time I’m watching the David Letterman sex tape because I’m thinking of you two and not what graphicness is happening in front of me. I’m joking – there is no David Letterman sex tape. But what if there is one and we don’t know about it yet? Our future selves have no innocence left. Actually, scrap all background noise altogether. I don’t want to find out that you have sex to Selena Gomez because it makes me question your CD collection as well as creep me out when I’m trying to enjoy “Naturally” on the radio.

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Oh, right. I was supposed to be talking about Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. I loved this movie. I am probably going to see it again in the theaters. For the movie they were trying to make, I think it was PERFECT. Perfect-o. I really don’t know how they could have made it any better. I didn’t read the comic book *gasp*, but I probably will now. I’m guessing a lot more stuff happens in the books and so forth, but for 112 minutes it is packed to the gills with entertainment. The movie is incredibly concise and has no wasted scenes. It doesn’t feel like we are missing anything as a viewer, which is big.

Edgar Wright is a genius. Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz and now this. He can certainly do comedy and he can certainly do action. I see that he is attached to make Ant Man, which is a super hero movie, but I hope he is given the reigns of a big super hero franchise at some point. Visually and audibly it was a fucking terrific movie. Visually was the most stunning more than anything. It was so well done visually that it makes me hate other directors. The fight scene between Brandon Routh (character Todd Ingram) and Michael Cera looked so excellent. It’s depressing to a degree that Edgar Wright is making action/comedies with action that looks this good, meanwhile action directors are being given holier than thou source material like Dragonball Z, The Hulk, Ghost Rider, Resident Evil and more or less raping them with their utter lack of any talent.

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As for the cast – they are all perfectly cast. I see a lot of blow back against Michael Cera recently. “It’s another Michael Cera movie where he is an awkward teen” blah blah blah go fuck yourself to death with a Scott Pilgrim vs. The World souvenir movie poster. This movie is PERFECT (again) for Michael Cera. Who the hell else would they have cast? Michael Cera is a 22 year old, awkward, nerdy, indie rock, who is an unlikely hero, who is from Brampton, Ontario, Canada and male. “Scott Pilgrim” is a 23 year old, awkward, nerdy, indie rock, who is an unlikely hero, who is from Toronto, Ontario, Canada and male. What I’m saying is – Scott Pilgrim is an auto-biography of Michael Cera’s life up until now and having video game/anime style fights with evil exes of the pretty new girl in town to win her heart is actually an allegory for the time Cera spent making Arrested Development, SuperBad, Juno, Nick + Norah’s Infinite Playlist, Year One, Youth in Revolt and Paper Heart.

And all the rest of the young pretty faces do great jobs. Ellen Wong as Knives Chau steals every scene she is in. The band members of Sex Bob-Omb are great. Chris Evans is great, the guy who played Matthew Patel was great, Routh is great. Kieran Culkin is just wonderful. Really all the movie was missing was a scene where I make a blood oath with the Devil and seconds later Anna Kendrick jumps through the movie screen and makes me the happiest man alive – but in return my day job becomes harvesting souls for the Dark Prince. But that’s an even trade in my book. ANNA!

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She wants IT.

I think someone taught her a thing or two about wanting IT. And I think we all know who it was…
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George Clooney! You old scallywag! That word doesn’t exist to WordPress. You old scallion! You old scalawag! Which is actually where “scallywag” comes from, right? You sick son of a bitch! You taught her how to want IT on the set of Up in the Air.

I’m joking of course.

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Of course, it was Kristen Stewart who taught Anna Kendrick how to want IT.

Who is that guy in the background to the left? How is he not looking at the greatest sight one could possibly ever see? ROBSTEN! How does he not feel their want pulling his eyes out of his sockets towards their ethereal glow!?! Or is he looking away in fear? The fear his face and body will melt like seeing the light from the Arc of the Covenant! Oh lord! I cannot believe…

Go see Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.

I’m still sick.

Oh right. Hello to everyone! Hello to all the readers and non-readers alike. I hope you all had great weekends and the blah blah blah. I hope you accomplished your dreams and really reached for the blah blah blah. I pray upon the backs of prayers that you have achieved this past weekend what the doubters thought was impossible and you are now a better blah blah blah. I also pffft and that you are pfffft with great pfffft and smiles for everyone pffft.

I’m not as sick as I was. But it is still lingering. Lingering around you like that guy at the bar you accidentally winked at earlier in the night, but you were really trying to clear some dust from your eye and now he is kind of stalking you with his eyes because he knows you two are soulmates and he is just trying to work up the drunk courage to say something that will almost in 100% certainty ruin it. You look purrty with your boobies.

What did I do this weekend?

I saw The Expendables, I saw Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, I got drunk one night, I watched a lot of preseason football, I watched Mad Men, Rubicon and Ochocinco’s show, I watched the Strikeforce Women’s MMA tournament and I ate and I washed and I slept. I talked on the phone some.

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Let’s just stick to the couple topics up there that people want to read about – namely me washing and watching Strikeforce’s tournament to decide who is the number 1 contender for their women’s 135 pound belt. It all begin on Friday when I started shower and felt the cool water caress the hair and skin on my forearm. I cupped some of this transparent liquid and splashed it on my thigh- just joking.

The Expendables

It’s not good. I’m referring to the movie The Expendables as being not good. This may be shocking to sum that I did not think this was a good movie. This type of shock you are experiencing revolves around you believing I don’t have a brain in my head. Most likely, you are a woman. You are a woman who thinks men come in two varieties “cave man” and “gay”.

You would not be shocked if the latter did not like this movie because there are no young men singing or dancing in the movie and none of those men at any point dress up to look like they are a woman when in fact they are a man, but they are a man who is expressing their inner-womanhood through outward appearance as well as acting feminine. Seemingly, you do not associate me with this half of men. I am the other half the “cave man”.

The Neanderthal man only needs murder and death and blood and explosions and the occasional bare breast to consider anything watchable. I will not lie and state that some of that is true, just as the stereotype above is also partially true. The cave man may also be categorized as thinking with its sexual organ, the pen-iz, instead of think with the brain in its own head. This grandiose image of a man using his erect penis as his decision making barometer is comical, but more than often false. Even if I draw a face on the head of my mini-me with big eyes, a nose, maybe a monocle and a goattee. And even, if I were to present that graphic puppet in the theater and faced its face to the screen and I closed my eyes so only it could watch The Expendables without any interference by my actual brain: I still wouldn’t think its a good movie. Also, I would be in jail. Strangely enough, that is not how the cave man watches a movie.

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The huge problem with The Expendables is that it is stupid. There is really no other word for it. It is stupid. There was no intelligent mind involved in the making of this movie. Well, the original premise that we were all sold on was intelligent, but everything after that is stupid. Get a bunch of action stars in one movie and watch them beat the piss out of each other. That is a brilliant idea. There are not many movies that offer that. The Expendables‘ line-up of action stars is quite crazy good. All they need to do is take these guys at let them beat each other in wild one-on-one fights for the delight of fans. Why? We have seen Sly, Dolph, Jet, Jason, and the others murder full battalions of nameless enemies without a second thought several several several times. The point is, we haven’t seen them murder each other. That is a brilliant idea.

The actual result of the film is stupid.

The dialogue is stupid. I cannot think of one line of dialogue in the movie that is not in some way stupid. The interactions between the characters are stupid. They just are. We learn little to nothing about any of the characters in the movie. I don’t need to put “spoilers” up because there is no plot in this movie to worry about “spoiling”. So, let’s take Jet Li’s character for example. The only thing you learn in the movie is that Jet Li’s character needs money and he actually needs more money than he is currently getting. Ok, fine. Why does he need that money? Jet tells us that he needs the money because of his family. Ok, fine. None of The Expendables know that Jet Li has a family. Ok? Why does he need more money for this family? We don’t know. He doesn’t say. And it is at this point that we don’t see Jet Li’s character for about 45 minutes in the movie. Why? Because the movie is stupid and you don’t see any of the characters for 45 minutes except for Jason and Sly and they’re off on some made-up island in “the gulf”. Back to Jet almost an hour later. Hey, Jet, what’s up? Jet needs more money. Oh, ok we’re still talking about that. What do you need the money for? Well, it’s not for my family. Wait what? Jet Li doesn’t have a family. So, why did he say he had a family before? Because this movie is stupid. And now that we know he doesn’t have a family, what does he need the money for? We never find out nor is it brought up again. It’s just stupid.

That is literally the character arc of Jet Li’s character. He fights and kills with the rest of them in the beginning. Then he says he needs more money for his family. Then we don’t see him for almost an hour. Then he says he needs more money, but it’s not for his family because he doesn’t have one. Then he fights Dolph Lundgren. Then he fights and kills with the rest of them on the fictional island in the “gulf” that is run by a military dictatorship. So they definitely could have had Jet Li do something in the movie, but they chose not to and instead made it all stupid.

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It doesn’t get any better for any other characters. Pretty much everything that happens in the movie is not explained nor really needs to be because it is all stupid. How about Jason Statham’s character? Well he fights and kills with the rest of them in the beginning. He throws knives instead of using guns sometimes. Not always, just sometimes. He decides to visit Charisma Carpenter. She answers the door like she is expecting someone, but isn’t and is actually inside with another man. The two talk and we find out that Jason hasn’t called in a month. Charisma seems to move pretty fast if she is already living with another man, especially since she really seems attached to Jason as she starts to get emotional seeing him leave in a huff. Either wait a month for this guy you seemingly love or when he shows up don’t give a fuck. One or the other. Why hasn’t Jason called in a month? No explanation. The mission he was just on in the beginning took him all of 5 minutes of actually gun play, so he could have definitely called her. Is she his wife? Ex-wife? Girlfriend? Ex-girlfriend? Who knows!?! I’ve seen reviewers credit her with all of those titles. Jason broods and then broods and then broods. Sly and Jason fly to some island to do recon on a mission that is never explained to anyone let alone the audience. They kill 41 people while doing recon as well as blow up the one and only harbor on the island. Then Jason goes to see Charisma again and she has facial bruises from the new boyfriend or husband or whatever that other guy is. Jason goes to the basketball court where the guy is. Jason in white jeans proceeds to beat the men on the basketball court (whether they are friends with the woman beater or not) near to death. He turns and tells Charisma, “Now you know what I do.” And then she gets on the motorcycle with Jason and they ride off together. Then Jason and the rest invade that island for no apparent reason and kill every male over the age of 18.

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“Now you know what I do.” What? Random acts of violence? You just beat up 6 men on a basketball court, how is that gainful employment of any kind? If I saw a guy beat up a bunch of middle age men trying to play pick-up basketball, I would never assume that he is a former SAS operative who is now a mercenary. I would assume that he is a thug. I would also assume he has insane anger issues. He pulls out a knife during the fight that is clearly a “killing knife”. You wouldn’t use this to cut rope or trim fat off a steak or do any household chores. This knife has a intricately designed chrome handle with a skull on it and a six inch retractable blade. If someone said “fetch me my killing knife” and I ran into a room and I saw that knife on a table, I would immediately stop searching for the “killing knife” because I would bet my life savings they were referring to that one.

Also, what about the guys who were on the basketball court who had no idea what was going on? Presumably, the guy who hit Charisma Carpenter knew what was happening. He is at fault. There are another 5 guys on the court. One guy actually says out loud, “we got your back.” That guy deserves the ass kicking he gets. But does he even know what he has the other guy’s back? Does he know that that guy hit his girl or did he just see that guy’s girl pull up on a motorcycle with another man and think to himself, “well that’s fucked up. That’s Steve’s girl and she’s on a motorcycle with some bald dude in white jeans.” More importantly, what about the other 4 guys who don’t say a single thing? Jason Statham walks straight towards them and then starts punching the one guy in the face. I don’t know exactly how I would react if I was playing pick-up basketball with some friends of friends and some psycho on a street bike just starts beating one of them up. Either way, it is debatable if any of them even react or does Statham hit them before they have a chance to ask questions.

I know one thing – I would never play pick-up basketball again. At best, Statham only broke your leg. He was beating them all mercilessly out there. Each one of them needed a hospital visit. I would be scared to death to go out in public.

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The rest of the movie is just as stupid. Mickey Rourke’s character is stupid, Sly’s character is stupid, Dolph’s character is stupid, Randy Couture’s character is stupid. The bad guys are really stupid! I don’t even know what the bad guys were really up to. Why was there a standing army on an island of poor people and that army? The only thing on the island was a dictator, his army and some poor people. That’s it. Why does he even need the army? Who is overthrowing him? Maybe the island wouldn’t be so poor if they didn’t spend 100% of their budget on the military who just messes with the poor people. And Eric Roberts is in the movie as a former CIA agent who wants to grow cocaine on the island, but the island doesn’t produce any cocaine…. so…. everyone dies because Sly and his guys kill everyone! Why? Who knows? It doesn’t make any sense. They’re not making or selling illegal drugs.

Seemingly, this is a Helen of Troy movie and Sly is doing this because he has fallen in love with the daughter of the military dictator. What!?! Yep. They kill so many men. They kill all the men on an island nation and Eric Roberts because Sly has a hard-on for this one chick on the island who wouldn’t leave the island when she had the chance the first time to leave. And does she leave the island after Sly and crew kill everyone on the island? No. She stays. !!!!!!!!! So they killed all these people for a chick who never planned on leaving this island ever, so why did they kill any of these people?

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No one knows why anyone in this movie had to die the horrible deaths they did. The movie is flat out stupid, but it is “entertaining”. I laughed really hard while watching the movie. The movie is full of stupid shit that is worth laughing at. The action scenes range from fucking wild to terrible. The last 30 minutes is pretty much a continuous killing spree by the main characters, which at points is great and at other points is so mindless that you have to almost enjoy it. Terry Crews appears out of nowhere at the end of the movie with an auto-shotgun aka an automatic shotgun. Normally speaking an auto-shotgun is a lot like a regular shotgun except you don’t have to keep loading in a new round because the clip of shells does that “automatically” for you. This auto-shotgun that Terry has is actually the power of Zeus in a gun. It has infinite range and killing power and when fired at a tall structure like a watchtower the structure will explode from every conceivable angle. Question – why don’t all the guys have an auto-shotgun like this instead of whatever puny pistols they are using? Never explained.

In conclusion, unless you really don’t care about what you are seeing on the screen whether it is action or really awful line exchanges between Sly and Mickey Rourke at his bike shop/tattoo parlor then go see the movie. If not, then wait until DVD or for it to run on HBO one day when you are sick like me.

And for tomorrow – I’ll review Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. It is excellent. Go see it.

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