It is another disgusting day on this planet. Just mucky. And per usual, I’m tired and didn’t get much sleep. With all this shittiness, I thought I would talk of a happier days, happier places, happier people and, of course, I’m talking about the TELEVISION! Oh, how I love thee. Let’s talk about what I watch on television.

MONDAY

Thank God for Football. I truly thank the almighty for football. In Judaism during the holiday of Passover, there is a list of things that God has given us. God saved us from bondage, led us through the badlands of Egypt, fed us with manna, gave us our sense of humor, told us Joe Namath would win Superbowl III so we all made a good deal of money off of that. After each thing that is listed is said out loud, we respond with “dayenu”, which roughly translates to “it would have been enough” or “it would have been sufficient”. God didn’t only give Jews football; God gave football to all human beings – nevertheless, it is such a big deal that I think it should be listed in there. Yeah, God saved us from being slaves and gave us the 10 Commandments and led us to the Promised Land and that jazz and then there was this big break where God was thinking up what really the world needed. Saving people from slavery is obvious, but what could really complete the human existence paradox? Professional tackle football, obviously.

Also, what is manna? I’ve been walking this Earth for 27 years and have yet to order “manna” off a restaurant menu once.

Monday’s I watch football. Occasionally, I flip over to Monday Night RAW to see what the professional wrestlers are up to. It’s usually just a pop-in. Just checking in on them.

TUESDAY

Nothing. Well…

I was a fan of Sons of Anarchy, but that is waning. I really enjoyed the first season of Sons of Anarchy. I thought it was a solid B+ TV show. The second season had was good – more good than bad. But there were definitely episodes that I really didn’t care for. And the season ended with a storyline that was wild, but at the same time I couldn’t care less about it. This third season has been dreadful. The problem with the show is there is no sense of reality to it anymore. It is just wild and none of it seems to make any sense. With all the murder and gun violence, someone would have to find out about it like a Senator or Governor or the National Guard. I’m just not into it anymore. I’m watching because there isn’t anything else to watch.

Blue Mountain State – I believe this show is starting up with new episodes soon. I love Blue Mountain State. It is on Spike and I believe it is at 11pm, but who knows. I’m not so sure any of you would actually like the show. It really seems like it is for guys and guys who like really ridiculous shit. Also, it is slightly about football.

This past Tuesday, I ended up watching Glee and Dancing with the Stars. What is this world coming to? Glee was fine. I think they could have used Britney more, but maybe she didn’t want to do more. Who knows? I will say that the once girl recreating the “Hit me baby one more time” was really hot and it reminded me why I love Catholic School girl outfits -which I didn’t forget, but who doesn’t love to be reminded about something they love. Do you love free ice cream? Sure. Well, here is some free ice cream. YES! DWTS was odd – I really dug seeing Seal up there for no other reason then because he is Seal and he does what he wants.

WEDNESDAY

Modern Family – obviously. Great show. If you are not watching Modern Family then you are robbing yourself of joyous heartwarming pleasure. That’s all you’re doing to yourself. You are robbing yourself of smiles, laughter, and an overall sentiment that we good people trying to make it in this world despite our flaws. So, if you don’t watch Modern Family you may hate yourself. Just a theory.

Cougar Town – stop laughing, just listen! It is on right after Modern Family and on the same channel. I don’t have a clue what else is on at 9:30pm on a Wednesday, but I do know this is on and I’m not offended by it. I like Busy Phillips and I like the guy who is Courtney Cox’s ex-husband. Courtney Cox isn’t bad on the show either. The show is a lot more sarcastic and filled with dark humor than many would think – especially me.

The Ultimate Fighter – I love The Ultimate Fighter. It is a reality show, but no matter what at the end of the show you someone fight someone, which is excellent. The one thing this is great about The Ultimate Fighter is that if you are a fan of the UFC then it makes so much sense to watch the show because these guys will be on the pay-per-views at some point and some of them may end up being great fighters one day, so why not get in on the ground floor and see where they started. Two past winners of The Ultimate Fighter have gone on to win the Light-Heavyweight Championship and several The Ultimate Fighter alums have fought for belts. This season of The Ultimate Fighter features Josh Koscheck as one of the coaches. He was a competitor on the first season of the show and now has made himself one of the elite Welterweights in the UFC and will fight the Welterweight Champion, Georges St. Pierre, at the end of the show. Of course, if you don’t like the UFC then there is absolutely no reason to watch it.

Inside the NFL – It’s football. I watch it.

THURSDAY

Community is arguably the best half-hour on television. It is brilliant. No more needs to be said.

I do watch 30 Rock, but I’m kind of over the show. The season premiere episode was a lot better than a lot of the episodes from last season, so hopefully that continues. I don’t mind the show; it just seems like they get lazy. I get it – Tina Fey doesn’t think she is attractive and she eats weird things. First, who doesn’t eat weird things? I caught myself eating a chicken and cheese sandwich on an everything bagel with a cup of coffee and a bag of cool ranch Doritos. And then I did it again a couple days later. I don’t recommend it. Secondly, Tina Fey is attractive. She’s a good looking broad and nothing is more annoying in this world than listening to a good looking person say they are not good looking.

The Office has become an institution on NBC. It definitely is still better than it is not. I really think Ed Helms saves the show more often than not. Craig Robinson doesn’t get to do too much on the show, but whatever they have him do is great. I think Steve Carell is still excellent on the show, but I am looking forward to seeing what happens when they replace him. I’m also just curious to see who is replacing him. I’ve seen two maybe castings of Harvey Keitel and Rhys Darby. Two very different actors, but two actors that I think could do a great job. Rhys was unreal funny on Flight of the Conchords as Murray and I imagine it would be a similar role for him on The Office. As for Keitel, I’d be interested in seeing what he brings to that character.

I watched that episode of Outsourced and hated it. I really cannot wait until Parks and Recreations replaces that show. This show was the second funniest show on NBC to Community and I was shocked when they put it to mid-season replacement. Just absurd.

Jersey Shore. Yeah, that is enough said right there. That show is fucking gold. Tonight Angelina will fight Snooki and I will love every motherfucking second of it!

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and The League. I really have not liked the past two Sunny episodes which has been very disconcerting. Tonight’s episode looks wild and I’m very excited to see if they can right this sinking ship. The League is a decent show. It’s far from great, but it is not bad at all. It has some consistently funny characters, it is sort of about football and they do a good job keeping each episode different, but still have that fantasy football thread running through it. So far, both of The League episode have outshined Sunny.

FRIDAY and SATURDAY

Nothing. I’m usually drinking booze or watching movies or college football. But I’m not the biggest fan of college football. I have no team and it just pails in comparison to professional football. A lot of wild stuff happens in college football, but a lot of times that can be chalked up to immaturity of the game and the disparity between players. There is a clear difference in talent from player to player, so the game is uneven.

SUNDAY

MOTHERFUCKING FOOTBALL! The NFL resides over my Sunday activities. I watch the 1pm game, the 4pm game and the 8:15 or whatever pm game. I watch as many games as I can and I love them to pieces. Sunday is my favorite day of the week.

Mad Men – I love Mad Men. This season has been really great. I think my favorite two episodes were the night out on the town with Don and Lane, and the episode with Don keeping a diary. Those two episodes were very memorable. It is remarkable what the show has done this season – it added a great deal of humor and humanity to the show. In some regards, past seasons have come across like really well dressed and groomed robots interacting with each other. This season tried to humanize them a lot more and in that there has been both sadness, but a lot of humor. The humor of the show has been really well done with the characters starting their own business and with starting their own business has come office shenanigans.

I think I’m the only person in the world who watches Rubicon and I have stopped watching it. I’ve missed the past two episodes and have them on DVR, but I honestly don’t care about catching up on them. I never understood what was happening on that show and now I never will. I’m fine with that.

Last, but not least – the new HBO line-up:

Boardwalk Empire – it’s OK. I’m really not in love with the show, but I’ll keep watching it. I know there hasn’t been a TV show about Atlantic City during Prohibition, but this show really isn’t anything more than any other gangster movie or TV show. The main guy is doing illegal stuff, but he pretends in public like he isn’t. There are guys who also do illegal stuff who are in a power struggle with him. And the cops are trying to arrest him. Great. Wonderful. I get it. There is blood and nudity on the show and that is enough for most people. I’ve seen the movie The Untouchables and Hoodlum and a bunch of other movies like that, which are all better than Boardwalk Empire. The show isn’t breaking new ground as far as story or action, it is same old same old, but with a different location. Also, I have no reason to root for Steve Buscemi’s character or Michael Pitt’s character at all. There isn’t anything compelling about them minus the fact that the TV show clearly wants you to root for them. Buscemi’s character “Nucky” Thompson is just *shrugs*. There is nothing that he does that sets him apart. There isn’t one great character on that show as far as I’m concerned in these first two episodes and the storyline isn’t breaking the mold, so I’m patiently waiting for it to either lose my attention completely or to maybe surprise me.

Bored to Death – Phenomenal show. Zach Galifianakis  and Ted Danson are just wonderful on the show. Especially, Ted Danson. I’m a big fan of Zach already and he has been nailing it with everything he is doing, so that was not surprising. Ted makes great cameos on Curb Your Enthusiasm and who didn’t love Cheers, but Ted has truly reinvented himself on Bored to Death. His character is rich, effeminate, full of wonder, craves intimacy, graceful and just hysterical. And with all that, Jason Schwartzmen does a great job being the lynch-pin that keeps the show together.

Eastbound & Down – OUT OF CONTROL! I fucking love this show. It is the riskiest show on television and there is nothing like it. I really love it and I love everything they do on it. I love that they season takes place in Mexico. I really can’t say much about this show where it doesn’t sound like I’m gushing over it like a love sick teenager. So, I’ll just say I realize it isn’t for everyone, but I’m thankful it is for me.

So there you go. Thank God for the DVR.

Questions…

Also, there may not be a Friday post, but if you do ask questions I’ll make sure to answer them next week if I can’t get to post tomorrow. I have obligations and they will most likely take up all morning. But crazier things have happened and I could post.

Jeez… 2000 words. I’m tired.

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I have been talking about dreams a lot recently. I had a dream last night that involved someone I went to high school with. Nothing amazing happened in the dream except we seemed like great friends and were making each other laugh while walking through New York City on LSD. To clarify, it was not us who were taking LSD. New York City was the culprit. We were talking with clarity and speed and wit, which I doubt one can do on LSD. Meanwhile, the City itself was all different colors and morphing and what not. Buildings transforming and turning to liquid – the usual.

It is probably not impossible to talk with the quick clever speech while freaking out on LSD, but it is probably impossible.

Anyway, when I woke up I started thinking about school and my mind wandered to gym class. I never thought the band Gym Class Heroes was anything special – they had two or three songs that I liked, but they were no Black Eyed Peas if you know what I mean. I have always loved that name though – Gym Class Heroes. It is very accurate. I have known many gym class heroes who showed an elite level of athleticism in that period of school, but were reluctant to do so on any team or social setting outside of school.

My two least favorite activities in all of school took place in gym class:

– the mile run

– roller skating

I have always hated homework, but homework is at home so it doesn’t count. But within the confines of the school itself, the two most loathed tasks set for me to accomplish were “the mile run” and “roller skating”.

THE MILE RUN

The mile run haunted me all years of my elementary and middle school. I believe we also had to do the mile run in high school, but definitely not every year. Maybe once. In elementary school, it was every year and we ran around the soccer field. Yes! In America we have soccer fields! For a country that people think hates soccer – we play an ass ton of it. From 1st through 5th grade at George Washington Elementary School, we ran the soccer field. Technically, that field was also set up for football as well, but no one played football on it. Regardless, we ran around it I think 7 times. I can’t remember.

And if it took you longer than 12 minutes then you failed and had to do it again.

I wanted to highlight that so I removed it from the paragraph. But yes, if your 9 year old legs and cardio were not good enough to complete a 12 minute mile then you had to do it again. What a shit punishment! I couldn’t think of a worse punishment that is legal. I mean you suck at running the mile already and you did it, you actually accomplished, and now because you didn’t do it good enough you have to do it again. Damn you, gym teacher! Damn you!

I won’t name names, but let’s just say my gym teacher was a woman, had shorter hair than I do now, drew her eye brows on with a pencil, smoked cigarettes by the carton, wore a windbreaker track suit everyday and didn’t seem too fond of kids. That was elementary school.

In Middle school (6th through 8th), at Theodore Roosevelt Intermediate School we ran the mile around the school. I believe it was 2 laps or 2 and a half laps around the school. The school were two large buildings connected by a 2nd floor enclosed walkway bridge, a baseball field, a parking lot and some woods. I cannot imagine my class was the only class to do this, but kids cheated like crazy on the middle school mile runs.

The runner was supposed to run the perimeter of the school. There was a sidewalk perimeter for most of it, but even if there wasn’t the school grounds was one big square, so if you just stuck to the edge and didn’t run in the street then everything would be fine. Kids, on the other hand, would cheat in and run on the grass and not run to the corners of the square and instead cut through those corners running the hypotenuse. The worst cheating were the kids who arrogantly ran through the woods. That was quite the move. One could easily be caught popping out of the woods instead of running around them. I’m pretty sure the teacher would notice the difference there.

I’m pretty sure we had to redo the mile run one year because kids were posting insane numbers on the mile – like state and national records. The kids were cutting off like a third of the run and clearly making no bones about it. From then on the gym teacher would pace the class. Kids put up more modest numbers that time.

There were many middle school gym teachers, but there was only one that really stuck. He was the military type who had never served in the military, flat top buzz cut, cocky attitude, in good shape, kind of an asshole, carried a gun in his car, his car being a Camaro, and he once chased a purse snatcher who was on a bike while he was on foot for over about a mile and then tackled the guy off the bike when he pulled into a parking lot making a citizen’s arrest.

High school – I think we just ran the track. I think we only did it once. No real memories of running the mile in high school.

ROLLER SKATING

I was never good at roller skating or roller blading. At one time, I was adequate at roller blading. There was a slew of roller blading/skating parties and one had to learn to participate. I think it was for a month or so, I learned how to roller blade. But it never really stuck and the fad was over. Nevertheless, we still had to roller skate in school. I’m not sure why we had to roller skate in gym class, but we did. Learning to roller blade and learning to roller skate on roller skates that pre-date the Jimmy Carter administration are two very different scenarios.

The skates themselves were canvas and were four wheels loosely attached to the bottom of the skate. It wasn’t spontaneous combustion – it was more like spontaneous catastrophe as kids skated all of a sudden someone would fall or lose control and it was a car wreck. I remember one semester a series of kids got really hurt. It was like a plague hit the school because twisted ankles, broken bones in the legs, really horrible bruising et cetera was running rampant on these kids.

At some point, I decided to make a stand. I am a human being and as a human being my health and welfare needs not only to be looked out for by myself, but it doesn’t need to be put into jeopardy by others. I made a stand and said that I was not going to roller skate. I had seen kids get hurt, I sucked at roller skating, I knew the likelihood of myself getting hurt and I said enough was enough it was time for a change. I talked to someone in the office – principal, vice principal or someone and after some arguing – I won out.

I instead went to the library and had to write a research paper.

All true. I was good, even a gym class hero at points, at other “sports” in school – but not the mile run and not roller skating. Anybody up for a game of “speedball” or “deck hockey” or “team handball” or “dodgeball/Indian pin”?

Confucius had a particular question he liked to ask:

How many great decisions have been made during a morning poop?

At least one. Today started out like many other days in my completely unrequested blogging tenure, I had a vague idea of what I wanted to write about. I am a lover of music. A lover of music that is both legal and consensual. Yesterday, Lil’ Wayne’s newest album “dropped”. I heard about it not through my lapsed subscription membership to the Lil’ Wayne fan club aka The Citizens of Lil’ Waynia, but I heard about it from the mighty Yahoo!. Apparently, this album is ONLY available for download. My idea was thus – listen to the album and write while I listen. I would critique the album as well as mention whatever pops into my head while listening to Lil’ Wayne. Everything was going according to plan until I actually started listening to the album.

I will put this bluntly, “I hate Drake.” By “Drake”, I mean the light skinned pretty boy rapper who was once married to Nicki Minaj’s butt. Her beautiful titan butt. I like many “Drakes” in the world. I have a friend named Drake that I enjoy very much and I’m a fan of the English sea captain Sir Francis Drake. But I hate this singing motherfucker “Drake”. I dislike all his songs and him in particular. There are 10 songs on the Lil’ Wayne album and Drake is apart of 4 of them. This did not bode well. Also, Lil’ Wayne isn’t my favorite artist in the world, so I would have to put up with his shit too. I hate Lil’ Wayne’s “I’m an alien” bullshit. As weird as the dude may be, he is just a dude lucky to have survived the streets of New Orleans and not an alien.

I got through the first 2 songs barely and was not at all in the mood to make it through the next 8 songs. I decided to take a bathroom break. While in there I was struck with an idea – why not an educational post instead of forcing myself to listen to this album at 10 in the morning? How about writing about anything that allows me not to listen to this album? So educational post it is.

Something I enjoy doing every once and a while, type a date into Wikipedia and see what happened on that day. It is usually a very random line-up of deaths and court decisions that took place on this day throughout written history. And today is little different. Take a gander at this list and I’ll comment so often.

And in the generation defining words of Lil’ Wayne’s first track “Gonorrhea”, Pussy ass niggas, we don’t want your gonorrhea.

* 48 BC – Pompey the Great is assassinated on the orders of King Ptolemy of Egypt after landing in Egypt.

Bam! Starting this off with some murdah! Am I right? Some government sanctioned mer-duh! Also, I actually know who this is about. Not that I could write an essay about Pompey or Ptolemy at this point in my life, but the fact I remember them at all is somewhat comforting. I have spent so much of my life committing to memory so many other things like the resurrection code in Ikari Warriors II on the original Nintendo that having any knowledge of “school” stuff is remarkable to me.
* 351 – Battle of Mursa Major: the Roman Emperor Constantius II defeats the usurper Magnentius.

See. I have no clue about this. The “usurper” Magnentius? Not the evil or transgendered or swift or tall, but the “usurper”.
* 365 – Roman usurper Procopius bribes two legions passing by Constantinople, and proclaims himself Roman emperor.

I think Wikipedia likes the word “usurper”. I thought this was just an adjective to describe Magnetius in particular, but apparently not. Now everyone is usurping! Hey, Wikipedia – if you like “usurper” so much why don’t you marry it!?!
* 935 – Saint Wenceslas is murdered by his brother, Boleslaus I of Bohemia.

Geez. Takes some balls, evil balls to be exact, to kill your brother – let alone a brother who is a saint. A literal SAINT. Saint Wenceslas. Maybe that’s why he killed him. I bet their parents were always like, “Boleslaus, why don’t you be more I don’t know – “saintly” like your brother Wenceslas… the SAINT!”
* 995 – Members of Slavník’s dynasty – Spytimír, Pobraslav, Pořej and Čáslav are murdered by Boleslaus’s son, Boleslaus II the Pious.

The old murder apple doesn’t fall far from the murder tree at the Boleslaus’ house. It’s like Dexter over there. Also, “Boleslaus’s” is not correct Wikipedia. Check yo’self before you wreck yo’self.
* 1066 – William the Conqueror invades England beginning the Norman Conquest.

Doesn’t the movie Due Date look good? I am pro all things that have Zach Galifaskflknasdf8q98kis in them. Due Date looks good and so does that other movie It’s Kind of a Funny Story which Zach is in and he looks like he does some dramatic acting in it. That is also a terrible name for a movie – It’s Kind of a Funny Story. What in that garbage of a title makes you think of a movie about a kid who goes to a mental hospital and meets Zach and meets Emma Roberts?

* 1106 – The Battle of Tinchebrai – Henry I of England defeats his brother, Robert Curthose.

What type of bullshit is that though? Kid is trying to find some meaning in his life because he is a weirdo and goes to a mental hospital and runs into Emma Roberts. What kind of bullshit is that? Oh yeah, I bet there are just a ton of hot girls who are single at the mental hospital who don’t realize how good looking they are and just need some confident young man to talk to. I’m sure. I’m so sure that I’m looking up the nearest mental hospital.
* 1238 – Muslim Valencia surrenders to the besieging King James I of Aragon the Conqueror.

She’s 19. I mean that’s legal. Don’t get all freaked out. Emma Roberts is 19. I’m not denying she is probably too young for me. I’m not denying that at all. But she is quite attractive coming from that famed Roberts gene pool. Also, I’m pretty sure her dad, Eric Roberts, and I would get along. Outside of me being 27 and her being 19 and him hating me because of that and because I have no level of success to match this daughter and she would be the bread winner of this family… but! I have seen a ton of Eric Roberts’ movies including a lot of the unwatchable ones. He has some Oscar winners in there like Pope of Greenwich Village and Best of the Best – but there are some others… some others that no one should have watched and I have watched them, so we could definitely talk about that and not talk about me with his 19 year old daughter.
* 1322 – Louis IV, Holy Roman Emperor defeats Frederick I of Austria in the Battle of Mühldorf.

Like Sharktopus. Who else saw Sharktopus on “Syfy” this weekend? That was something special. That was one of those poisons that I ingest that I imagine robs the rest of my brain from more knowledge about the Holy Roman Empire. Like I remember some of the HRE stuff, but not much. Not enough. Charlemagne is about it. You don’t see that name much anymore. Charlemagne Jenkins. Charlemagne Robinson. I actually really like the ring of that. If your last name is Robinson or you know a Robinson – tell them to kick around the name “Charlemagne” when they decide to procreate. I think the name is unisex or at least I’m getting that vibe.


* 1448 – Christian I is crowned king of Denmark.

Seriously, call the kid “Charlie”. Who is to know difference between the birth certificate saying “Charles” or “Charlemagne”? I think I just named everyone’s next kid.
* 1542 – Navigator João Rodrigues Cabrilho of Portugal arrives at what is now San Diego, California, United States.

What’s up, y’all!?! Los Estados Unidos are in la casa! Los Estados Unidos son en la casa! I can translate “are in” as well. I have never heard of this guy Cabrilho. I’ve been to San Diego though. If someone brings up San Diego and you never been to San Diego and you don’t feel like telling them that because then they’ll turn into a San Diego tour guide – just tell them you have been there and you went to the zoo. San Diego has a famous zoo. You can lie about everything else on your own from there. That zoo has everything. Escaped monkey? Sure. Escaped pride of lions? Sure!
* 1708 – Peter the Great defeats the Swedes at the Battle of Lesnaya.

Bitch ass Swedes! Punk ass bitch ass Swedes!
* 1779 – American Revolution: Samuel Huntington is elected President of the Continental Congress, succeeding John Jay.

I have really no idea who either of these two men are, but I would have voted for Samuel Huntington over John Jay if I was voting right now and took my existing knowledge of them, which is nada-thing, to make my decision. I have heard the conspiracy theory not to trust a man with two first names. I don’t necessarily subscribe to it, but I don’t necessarily don’t subscribe to it if you catch my drift. Be leery of them, be very Denis Leary of them.
* 1781 – American forces backed by a French fleet begin the siege of Yorktown, Virginia, during the American Revolutionary War.

What’s up now, motherfuckers!?! Bitch ass British motherfuckers! Get off our land. Go home. This is a good time to get into my diatribe about why Americans shouldn’t hate the French. Sure they are dicks, but so are everyone. Everyone is a dick. So, that doesn’t mean you should hate the French. They have been hand-in-hand with us throughout our history in America helping us fight for our independence and the French invented blowjobs supposedly. Boom! I mean which one really is better? America – greatest country ever. Or? Blowjobs. It is kind of a neck and neck race on this one. The French did other things as well, but I’m pretty sure this debate is over with the entrance of blowjobs to this intellectual discourse.
* 1787 – The newly completed United States Constitution is voted on by the U.S. Congress to be sent to the state legislatures for approval.

What! What! Bureaucracy! What up now?
* 1791 – France becomes the first European country to emancipate its Jewish population.

Are we historical butter because we’re on a historical roll! Am. I. Right! Jews, y’all.
* 1844 – Oscar I of Sweden-Norway is crowned king of Sweden.

Boring. What is with all this Swedish noise? Is there a Swedish Wikipedia writer? I get it your country is cool and full of blondes who like to ski. I want to go there. I love Ingmar Bergman and some of your death metal. But your history no one cares about.
* 1867 – Toronto becomes the capital of Ontario.

WOOOOOOO! Party all the time in Canada!
* 1867 – The United States takes control of Midway Island.

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Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah, Midway! Fuck yeah! That’s what you get Midway!
* 1868 – Battle of Alcolea causes Queen Isabella II of Spain to flee to France.

Not that bad of a gig there. Fleeing from Spain to France can’t be that bad. It’s not like she was fleeing from Spain to Detroit, Michigan. That would suck. Fleeing from Milwaukee, Wisconsin to Detroit, Michigan would suck. Also, regardless of what you are fleeing from, once you get to Detroit you will need to flee from Detroit. There is some shit going on in Detroit you need to get away from like now.
* 1889 – The first General Conference on Weights and Measures (CGPM) defines the length of a meter as the distance between two lines on a standard bar of an alloy of platinum with ten percent iridium, measured at the melting point of ice.

FUCK YES! GREATEST DAY EVER! HOLY SHIT! SEPTEMBER 28TH IS THE GREATEST DAY EVER! WE’RE DEFINING METERS UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER! THE METER’S BIRTHDAY! LET’S ALL GET DRUNK ON THE METER’S BIRTHDAY! THE BIRFDAY OF THE METER! ALL 100 CENTIMETERS AND SHIT! ALL 1000 MILLIMETERS AND SHIT! BUBBA-BERFDAY TO THE GREATEST DAY BECAUSE IT’S THE METER’S DAY! BIRTHDAY SHOTS FOR METER DAY! HOLY SHIT METER DAY! GETTING ALL CRAZY WITH THE METER DAY!

I wish today was my birthday because this may be the greatest day in human history.
* 1928 – The U.K. Parliament passes the Dangerous Drugs Act outlawing cannabis.

WHAT!?! WHAT THE FUCK!?! WT FUCK!?! I HATE SEPTEMBER 28TH! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE HATE HATE HATE IT!

No weed in Englund? What the bullshit? I hate you 1928 September 28th British people. You all blow goats.
* 1928 – Sir Alexander Fleming notices a bacteria-killing mold growing in his laboratory, discovering what later became known as penicillin.

What!?! I LOVE SEPTEMBER 28th!

That is some wild shit. The English are putting doobies on wanted posters and meanwhile Sir Alexander Fleming over in Scotland is discovering one of the greatest discoveries of all time this side of the French discovering blowjobs. That was a wild day in history. No more good times in England and Alex Fleming is finding the cure for like roughly 80% of things ever.
* 1939 – Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union agree on a division of Poland after their invasion during World War II.
* 1939 – Warsaw surrenders to Nazi Germany during World War II.

Let’s just skip over this.
* 1944 – Soviet Army troops liberate Klooga concentration camp in Klooga, Estonia.

Klooga. I bet you can’t say Klooga without smiling or at least wanting to smile. It is fun to say. Klooga. I bet it is not that fun to live there especially in a concentration camp, but it’s a fun word to say. Klooga. Klooga could be a dessert. A chocolate klooga for the table. I’ll just leave some extra spoons just in case anyone wants some of this delicious klooga.

* 1950 – Indonesia joins the United Nations.

Great.
* 1958 – France ratifies a new Constitution of France; the French Fifth Republic is then formed upon the formal adoption of the new constitution on October 4. Guinea rejects the new constitution, voting for independence instead.

Great.
* 1960 – Mali and Senegal join the United Nations.

Great.
* 1961 – A military coup in Damascus effectively ends the United Arab Republic, the union between Egypt and Syria.

And that was the last we ever heard of military problems in Egypt, Syria or the Middle East. The end.
* 1962 – The Paddington tram depot fire destroys 65 trams in Brisbane, Australia.

That sounds pretty wild and bad.
* 1971 – The Parliament of the United Kingdom passes the Misuse of Drugs Act 1971 banning the medicinal use of cannabis.

What the hell? What is with September 28th, the UK and the hatred of the sticky icky? This is the anti-thesis to April 20th.
* 1973 – The ITT Building in New York City is bombed in protest at ITT’s alleged involvement in the September 11 1973 coup d’état in Chile.

Hmmmm… initially I thought this may have been apart of the Weather Underground bombings, but it appears that it isn’t. I really don’t know much about this at all, but I do know that if you haven’t seen the documentary called The Weather Underground about The Weather Underground then you need to. It is a great documentary.
* 1975 – The Spaghetti House siege, in which nine people are taken hostage, takes place in London.

No idea. But I do know if they make another Rush Hour movie that there should be a fight scene in a “Spaghetti House”. Sounds like it would work.
* 1987 – The beginning of the Palestinian civil disobedience uprising, “The First Intifada” against the Israeli occupation.

Oh, I’m sure nothing bad happened there.
* 1994 – The car ferry MS Estonia sinks in Baltic Sea, killing 852 people.

Not good.
* 1995 – Bob Denard and a group of mercenaries take the islands of Comoros in a coup.

Uhhhh yeah. Bob Denard is a guy you want to read about. He successfully committed four coups in the Comoros islands and was a polygamist. Bob Denard, son! He must’ve woke up really early.
* 2000 – Al-Aqsa Intifada: Ariel Sharon visits Al Aqsa Mosque known to Jews as the Temple Mount in Jerusalem.

Probably not a biggie, right?
* 2008 – SpaceX launches the first ever private spacecraft, the Falcon 1 into orbit.

SPACE! Remember when Lance Bass was going into space? Does anyone remember that? I remember seeing something that he actually trained to be an astronaut for a bit. And I mean post boy band. Not pre. At some point after being in a boy band, he decided he wanted to go to space and someone thought that was an OK idea and let him train for some time. As far as I know, nothing came from it. Although he is openly gay nowadays. Go to the moon? Live your life openly having sex with dudes? It’s really a wash right there I’m guessing.
* 2009 – The military junta leading Guinea, headed by Captain Moussa Dadis Camara, sexually assaulted, killed and wounded protesters during a protest rally in a stadium called Stade du 28 Septembre.

Uhhhhh… what? I don’t even want to know how that happened. What a shitty event to end on. Fucking Guinea. Fucking Wikipedia. Fucking September 28th…

Actually… Let’s add two more:

*2009 – Jordan from Kristen Stewart Wants IT while fasting for Yom Kippur posts the first half of his fanfiction for Twilight and all of the world finds peace … minus Guinea

https://kristenstewartwantsit.wordpress.com/2009/09/28/im-depressed-and-im-hungry-fml-part-1/

What? What? What? I’m the greatest.

*2010 – Jordan from Kristen Stewart Wants IT (who is still providing near daily happiness to much of the world) writes about this day and all rejoice and love him for it.

Ok? That’s better.

Amanda Seyfried, Emma Roberts, Blake Livley, and Kristen Stewart Pictures, Images and Photos

Amanda: Stare a whole through you wants IT.

Emma: Coy wants IT.

Blake: Playful wants IT.

Kristen: If these bitches weren’t here I would tear this God damn beach apart with you wants IT.

This morning was a good morning for sleeping. All the variables lined up perfectly for sleeping. One key ingredient was that I was in my own bed as opposed to where I had spent the last three nights trying to sleep. The truth is certainly not as tawdry as that sounds. I visited my parents on Thursday and then visited my friends on Friday and Saturday. The beds at my parents’ house are in a word: terrible. I am a good half a foot taller than the beds themselves, which means my feet hang off the end in this no man’s land hovering in absentia of bed underneath them. The texture of the beds are “day old bread”. One could press into the beds with all their might and they will give, but just body weight on the bed leaves no mark. Do you know those “memory foam” mattresses? Imagine the anti-thesis to that. A bed that rejects your memory and wants to forget every inch of you — sounds a lot like my first wife, amirite? A short bed made of bricks wrapped in cotton was Thursday. The following nights, my bed was not a bed and was in fact a couch and that couch was not in fact just a couch, but was a “love seat”. The creepy step-sibling of the couch is the “love seat”. If I had to guess where the name came from, I would guess that if two people were going to sit that close to each other without any extra room then they would have to be in love. Is there any love when a 6’4″ or so mammal is trying to sleep on said “love seat”? The answer is most assuredly an unanimous NO. My head on the one arm rest and my legs shooting off the other arm rest at a 45 degree angle with pretty much everything below the knee probing the infinite space for something to lay themselves on, but there is not. Three nights of uncomfortable short bedded long legged sleep. A second variable that welcomed my slumber this morning was the rain. It is so enjoyable sleeping when it is raining. I would imagine it is because I live in a house. I have shelter from the rain and for millions of years that was not the case for my forefathers. Sleeping outside in make shift tents and huts, rain was probably the last thing that would help them sleep. Maybe the last thing would be being attacked by wild animals or later when my Jewish ancestors were persecuted by the Egyptians and the Spanish and everyone – rain might not have been a big deal. It is not easy to sleep when it is raining, Mordecai. Yes, Jacob, but it is much easier to sleep in the rain than trying to sleep while being attacked by wolves or being whipped by a Pagan. You make a compelling argument, Mordecai. Even now it is raining still. It is a cool rain, which helps with sleeping. I like to be as cold as possible when I sleep and then wrap myself in my blanket like a butterfly’s cocoon. What is even more important with this rain is it quiets the world outside. There are no annoying people talking way too loudly meandering around the corner I live on. There is a school right here as well and the kids of that school run around screaming like howler monkeys. I would imagine they are still screaming like howler monkeys right this second, but they are doing it from within the confines of the school instead of outside on the streets or at the park right around here. Also, the cars seem to zip past with shhhhhhing sound. Almost showing an expressed interest to everyone to keep quiet. Shhhhh Jordan is trying to catch up on sleep he has not been afforded the past few days. The only thing that was trying to awake me was my bladder. My urinary tract felt like white hot lightning was running a relay race through my bladder. I tried my best to ignore it because I needed sleep! As for the dreams I had, I have many dreams. I have many dreams in life as well as when I am sleeping. I toss and turn most of the night entering and exiting dreams at a rapid clip. Sigmund Freud wrote of sleep and dreams. He believed there were different stages of sleep. The short of it was that your mind went deeper and deeper into sleep until you hit the deepest point and then your mind backed-up a bit and you began to dream in this semi-lucid semi-asleep state. This is the REM sleep people mention. He also believed that we needed REM sleep and if we did not get enough of it then our body would force us to get more of it, which would mean even more powerful dreams when you actually gave yourself a good nights sleep. I feel like I dream almost instantly when I fall asleep. When I think of Freud, I think that I have had such bad sleep schedules throughout my life that I’m permanently in REM recovery and that is why I have so many dreams and they are usually very lucid. I had one of those Inception like dream within dream dreams this morning. It was a dream of me waking from a dream to check the time, but that was a dream as well. There were a lot of characters in my dreams last night and this morning, so basically just chalk yourself down that you were in my dreams last night or this morning. Take comfort in that at least one person was dreaming about you. You are the girl/boy/dog of my dreams. I did dream about dogs last night. Now that I’m awake and it is still raining out, it is not helping this idea of staying awake, remaining awake.

Quick thoughts:

Steelers are 3-0. How about some love for the Black and Gold?

Eastbound & Down was great.

Mad Men was great.

Bored to Death was great.

Sunday Night Football was not so great. I was rooting for the Dolphins. It was a good game, but not the ending I wanted.

The UFC fights from Saturday were like that football game^. A lot of fights were great fights to watch and then when it came to the judges’ decision everything went nutty. The UFC seriously needs to hire all new judges. They need to never re-hire any judge who has worked for them. Just pull drunks from the crowd to judge. They could not do any worse of a job than the “professional” judges.

I’ve been listening to this song a lot:

It is a wonderful song and because I try listening to the rest of the album and get bored and just go back to this song. It makes me want to write a “western”.

Anybody have an exciting weekend?

This post is a little later than usual, like anyone is really even bothering to keep that fire to my feet, because I’m on ON THE ROAD. Not the set for On the Road, but I’m on the road in life. Not in my usual location, I have an inability to read clocks or care to look at them when I’m trying to lay perfectly still on a twin mattress which at this point I have “evolved” past the requisite size for.

Anyone why am I out on the road?

That ties into the one question that was asked of me this week, which was an Australian “What the hell are you up to?”

Well, me lady (which is how they talk to each other down there)(and by down there I did not mean when they are face to crotch with each others’ crotches)(I meant when they are just talking to each other in general in Australia)(but now that I think of it, I could see some saying that to each others’ crotches – me lady), I am actually in the middle of filming a weekly documentary half hour series where I inject myself into a random strangers life for apparently no reason at all and then I leave a lasting impression on that person in the form of, “remember when that white dude creeped around us for like a week and then left?”

I call it THE WORLD OF JIZZLE!

I really hope there isn’t an MTV show with the exact same idea of that because we are going to start pitching the show to that specific network in a “put all your documentary eggs in one basket” approach.

So far, we have filmed several episodes:

1. Rapper – I spend a week with a rapper. The rapper I chose or should I say the cosmos chose us because we were instantly soulmates is 2 Pistols.

Clearly, he is a masterful Mozart musician et al, but the real key to our bromance was that we just share so many philosophical beliefs. For instance, 2 Pistols loves carrying two pistols so much that they call him 2 Pistols. They don’t call him 2 Pistols because he doesn’t carry two pistols. And they don’t call him 2 Pistols because he only carries one pistol. No the man always has two pistols on him! He uses those pistols to do everything. Shoot off a top of a soda bottle, open a bag of chips with a bullet, put mustard on your hotdog with some bullets. It was like the episode of The Simpsons when Homer is handling all his daily chores with a gun or that movie Shoot ‘Em Up with Clive Owen.

2. Autistic kid – I heard that there was some show that was interviewing one autistic kid. I was like FUCK THAT. ONE? One autistic kid? Have you seen the statistics out there? There are boatloads of autistic kids. I mean they are not actually on boats because I’m completely certain taking that many autistic kids or people in general and rounding them up and forcing them on a boat to just measure the size of them would be a problematic scenario. Nevertheless, me and my camera crew, aka The Omega Posse 5000, thought that it is lame just running around with one autistic kid when there are so many of them out there. Use this natural resource to its fullest, right?

We shipped in busloads of autistic kids! We created this mini autistic city with me as they mayor. Initially, then the kids formed a revolutionary party against my administration and overthrew my governmental system in a well orchestrated coup. After that, we had a big squirt gun fight with bubbles and 2 Pistols showed up. For that day, he was referred to as 2 Water Pistols. It was a great time.

Before we let the kids leave, we did make sure to check each one for any super human abilities like counting spilled boxes of tooth picks. If I’ve learned anything from movies it is that if you find a person who can count tooth picks, autistic or not, then they can win you millions of dollars at a casino. I mean the kids were right there anyway. Why not see if they can count tooth picks?

3. Homeless – For a week we followed around some homeless dude. And not some homeless person who is lucid and young. We followed around one of those guys who usually lurks around popular late-night hang outs that college kids frequent and is somehow more drunk than the college kids and he’ll dance or eat something for a dollar. It was sad. I mean I ate so many weird things for a dollar that week and I definitely didn’t need to. Also, the homeless guy attacked and bit me a dozen times, so to be on the safe side I got a tetanus shot and a rabies shot everyday. I know that a tetanus shot will last you a decade, but you should’ve seen this guy. There was a chance he had “super tetanus” and I needed more than the regular dose to counteract. As far as the rabies vaccine, I just like how it makes my body tingle.

4. Fighter – I followed around a professional fighter during the lead up to his next fight. For us, we chose retired boxer Lennox Lewis. That was great times! You know what is great about training with a retired boxer? He doesn’t train! Oh man, all we did was eat and get piss drunk at fancy places in London. Whew! I loved it. When is Lennox Lewis’ next fight? Probably never because why would he want to risk getting punched in the face again when he can just talk about other people getting punched in the face and then in between doing that he can flirt with models and get drunk.

It was really an eye-opening experience for all of us. If I believed in “re-incarnation” then I would want to come back in my next life as a wildly successful professional athlete once he has retired early from the sport with all his money and brains left intact. I’m just saying if some of you hippie freaks could get that to work for me then that would be great.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Thanks for reading.

… how they could be defeated by Kristen Stewart.

Yes, you read that correctly. I’m not assuming any of these 10 trending topics, whoever or whatever they may be, will be enveloped by the sexy powers of the Dark Side. But if they are and their powers grow to a near international incident and the only means to stop them are sending On the Road co-star Kristen Stewart to defeat them in an one on one battle of psychic abilities not seen since the glorious theatrical experience The Lawnmower Man then this is how she would get ‘er done.

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1. Joaquin Phoenix

What a powerful enemy indeed! No one ever said Kristen Stewart’s task as humanity protector would be easy, least of all me. I have warned her 100 fold. Aliens, historical figures being resurrected, bikini girls, elephants – her adversaries could be in all shapes and sizes. One size could be Joaquin Phoenix, which on the size chart is bigger than a medium, but not as big as a large.

Joaquin was on David Letterman last night talking about the last time he was on David Letterman. The last time he was on he had the beard and the sunglasses and the wild hair and was taping a scene for his movie I’m Still Here. He also went on to explain what inspired the movie (watching too many reality television shows) and he apologized to Dave – even though Dave said he realized from the start that this was fake.

How would Kristen Stewart defeat evil-Joaquin Phoenix? Well, I’m assuming we’ve seen a preview of what “evil-Joaquin Phoenix” already is with I’m Still Here. All an evil version really needs is facial hair that originally isn’t there on the ordinary individual. Evil-Joaquin Phoenix has the well documented beard, long hair and aviator sunglasses and a beanie and wants to rap. If Kristen is anything, she is fair. Firm, but fair*. Kristen Stewart would challenge Evil-Joaquin Phoenix to a battle rap competition. I’m guessing a best of 7 series.

If there isn’t a better sequel – I’m Still Here 2: Electric Bugaloo featuring K-Stew – then I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about. NEXT!!

2. Bankruptcy Protection

What an interesting enemy indeed! This unusual high brow topic is trending specifically because the movie rental giant Blockbuster has been smited by the Biblical David in Netflix and those random ass rental machines that are outside grocery stores, pharmacies, malls et cetera. I understand that Blockbuster closing would be a loss of a whole bunch of jobs for especially the people who work at their stores. At the same time, I harbor a lot of ill will towards the blue and gold ripped ticket rental people because I applied for a job with their stupid asses back in high school and I did not get as much as a phone call. What the effin’ FUCK!?

In my opinion, Blockbuster is evil. If you support evil then you are also evil. So, bankruptcy protection is evil. And how will the mighty Kristen Stewart defeat this!!!!!!!! Well, simply enough she will use her hypnotic gaze to convince all to get subscriptions for Netflix – which everyone should have signed up for years ago. Really, her hypnotism is doing you all a favor you should have done for yourselves. And when Blockbuster closes its doors for good, it will know that they should have never messed with high school age Kay-swidge-jizzle because it will come back to bite them! NEXT!!!

3. Harry Potter

What a wussy enemy indeed! I get that he is a master magician and all, but I feel like that’s the equivalent of being a master at the abacus. It is outdated, requires no muscular ability to use and really the only people who still use it in daily life are elderly Asians in Asia. Yes, magic exists. And, yes, old Asian people are practitioners of it, but no one pays notice because who really watches what old people do. They do all sorts of weird things and no one says anything to them about it because they’re OLD!

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First and foremost, I think Harry Potter would instantly be weak kneed and probably wet himself in the presence of Kristen Stewart. Or really any attractive girl. Emma Watson is hot and all, but seemingly Harry grew up with her, so he doesn’t see how smoking hot she is like in all those 80’s/90’s movies where the nerdy guy wants the hot girl in school meanwhile his best friend who is also an insanely hot chick, but none of them seem to notice until 10 minutes left in the movie (see: Trojan War. Seriously, the guy doesn’t know Jennifer Love Hewitt is great looking and standing right next to him!?!)

I believe the Evil-Harry Potter is the snake hissing and looking through his eyebrows creeper that has appeared in a couple of the flicks. Kristen would focus her come hither, hour rates motel, sweaty sex affair, wanting eyes on the pip squeak Harry Twatter (amirite?) and he would faint of sexual fantasy overload. After that Kristen could do whatever she wanted to finish the job… maybe tie him up, anal rape him, and tattoo a Finish message on his stomach – that’s pretty much The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo fatality. NEXT!!!

4. PGA Championship

What a boring enemy indeed! Ever since Tiger Woods stopped winning at golf, the game became evil. The sport that appears on TV now is evil, which is what the game was before Tiger Woods starting beating its ass. Yes, golf is evil. It literally has the power to literally bore you to a literal death. That is evil. But the good thing is that no one gave a fuck about golf when Tiger Woods was not involved in it – despite what many people will try to make you believe. All that bullshit about Nicklaus and Palmer – PFFFFFFTTTT! Yes, all capitals pfffttt-ing. They used to only show the final day of The Masters and I’m not even sure they showed the whole day of it. What kind of rivalry could it have been if no one was watching it? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to watch two old white men on TV play a boring ass game then who cares, right?

If Kristen Stewart had to defeat evil-golf then she would just need to keep Tiger Woods away from ever winning a golf event ever again. Whatever sliver of attention the human race allows for golf, it will wilt and die on its own. I’m not going to tell Kristen Stewart exactly how to keep Tiger from winning, but I have ideas. Ideas involving her … wearing … NEXT!!!

5. Sukkot

What a sacrilegious enemy indeed! Evil sukkot!?! Never! Well, Sukkot is the Jewish holiday celebrating camping. You build a “sukkah” which is more or less a hut and then you force your family to stay in it until Sukkot is over. You know what they say – what happens in the sukkah, stays in the sukkah. Which is exactly why you destroy the sukkah after Sukkot is over, so you don’t have to be physically reminded of the devious sexual experiences you engaged in in your fragile religious hut.

Actually, Sukkot is a wonderful little holiday where you get to reconnect with your ancient ancestors by living for a bit how they lived… in a half-assed hut on the front lawn of your big suburban home. Also, you get to see exactly what “wild life” like raccoons and possums do to your garbage late at night while you are usually asleep in your comfortable bed safe in your home that has air conditioning and sheets and no crickets or ants or mud. Anyway, what I’m saying is, Sukkot has already been defeated by the invention of the HOUSE and the holiday is not “evil”, but more so a reminder of our victory over unstable shelter.

Kristen you don’t need to get your hands dirty on this one. Just point any people towards a hotel or the real estate section of a newspaper or Craig’s list. NEXT!!!

6. Thomas J. Dart

What an enemy that I have no idea who he is! I assume, and I believe correctly, that Thomas J. Dart is in fact the Thomas J. Dart the inventor of THE DART! I guess there was a time when darts had a purpose outside of entertaining drunk people at a bar, but maybe not. Maybe people tied darts with a string. Maybe they threw the dart into something where it would stick with a collection of barbs. Then they would yank back on the string to retrieve said object… or the dart would come back flying into their face and most likely into their eye half blinding them. Nowadays, we just allow people who are good and intoxicated and who may have no coordination or precision with edged weapons to throw these darts in public spaces guessing they will not maim any patrons.

Ahhh, Thomas J. Dart is some dude who may or may not run to be mayor of Chicago. Ohhhhh, who gives a fuck? Chicago doesn’t need Thomas J. Dart for mayor. They need Judge Dredd! Have you seen the crime statistics in Chicago? Someone is getting shot every other second of every day in that city. Whatever second you are recognizing that next second is the one where someone gets shot. Not now, but NOW! BLAM! Someone was shot in Chicago again. And I don’t think Thomas J. Dart and every dart that he ever manufactured with his own hands can stop that violence.

I doubt Kristen Stewart needs to do much to stop this guy considering he doesn’t even know if he is running to be mayor or not. It’s a simple decision dude. Either get involved in an expensive political election where your life and all your past decisions will be torn apart, all so you can be put in charge of a major city that is falling apart at its seams from rampant gun violence. Yeah, I’m pretty sure mayoral campaign or the loose roaming bullets may take care of this guy well before Kristen Stewart needs to pull some X-Men shit on his evil dart throwing ass. NEXT!!!

7. Inflation

What an existential enemy indeed! Inflation? I guess Kristen Stewart could begin conducting all of her business using a barter system instead of currency. Is there inflation in bartering? Inflation seems to be a naturally occurring percentage that relates to scarcity of natural resources, growth in population, demand, and really a whole lot of intangible ideas that Kristen Stewart cannot necessarily blast with an optic beam of want from her soft ever changing technicolor dream coat color eyes. Oh how I get lost in those eyes. Those eyes that some say are blue, but are brown in Twilight because of contacts. If the world would just take Ambien and stare into those beautiful eyes until everyone got nice and high and then took a nap together dreaming of those whimsical eyes we would defeat inflation.

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Actually, we wouldn’t. Inflation would still happen with all of those napping in one giant bed together. Also, probably some groping. NEXT!!!

8. Patient’s Bill of Rights

What a completely wonderful friend! Yes, the “Bill of Rights” is your friend and so is your “Patient’s Bill of Rights”. I really don’t know who this would be evil unless you put the word “NOT” at the end of each right. Have their medical decisions made by a doctor… NOT! I guess that would make them evil. Or if they added the phrase “evil” to each right like “go to the closest ‘evil’ emergency room”. I think Kristen could do a nationwide personal service announcement stating that each individual has the choice to either have the “Patient’s Bill of Rights” or the “Patient’s Bill of ‘evil’ Rights”. I picture her in a Sonic Youth t-shirt, a cutoff jean skirt and heels while smoking cigarettes and playing with her hair. “It’s your choice – ‘Bill of Rights’ or the ‘Bill of ‘evil’ Rights’. Make the right one or whatever.” NEXT!!!

9. Health Insurance

What a Tea Party idea enemy! If you had not noticed, but there are people out there already that believe health insurance is evil. Or at least the health insurance where everyone has it is evil. Or something. I’m not sure either. But what I do know is that it’s being taken care of. If you believe the old system of health insurance was evil then Nancy Pelosi and her vagina of justice defeated it. And if you believe the vagina justice health insurance we are starting today is evil then there are people who are out there trying to overturn it. I don’t think Kristen Stewart needs to get her hands dirty with this one. Her hands do not need to be involved in this mess. Kristen Stewart’s hands are like a rare swan. A rare swan that has morphed into hands that have attached themselves to a young woman’s wrists and can be articulated by a complex system of nerves that are connected to her brain. Just two lovely hands that are actually a swan. Just think about it. NEXT!!!

10. Kim Kardashian

YES! I love Kim Kardashian and she is no one’s enemy. She is a friend to all human and animal kind. Just look at this…

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She is wonderful. Kristen Stewart and Kim Kardashian hopefully one day will become more than friends and hold hands and go bikini shopping together. In my heart of hearts of all my hearts, I don’t believe Kim Kardashian could become evil. No one with such a large perfect ass could become evil. It’s scientifically proven. Butts are not evil. That’s a fact. And she has a huge glorious butt that should be sketched in every junior college introductory art class all over the world. Kim’s butt is attached to the rest of Kim and no matter how evil the rest of her could get the butt will always hold more power and sway over her entire being. And let’s be honest, boobs can be used for evil, but in general are not evil – especially natural boobs. Kim has big boobs that are fairly in proportion to her grand butt. Also, she is pretty. Being pretty is debatable about potential for evil, but the BUTT. As mentioned, she just simply can’t be evil because of the butt then the boobs and her face and she and her sisters help men win championships in sports and she has this exotic spirit that could be European or Middle Eastern or melting pot American… ok, I’m rambling.

Let’s say Kim turns evil. I’m fairly certain the only way to defeat her is for Kristen Stewart to oil wrestle her for $44.95 on pay-per-view or they could pillow fight each other until they giggle themselves exhausted… also on pay-per-view. For HD it is $49.95 and believe me the extra $5 will be worth it.

Also, this idea could be done whether or not Kim turns evil. Just make it happen now! Focus on making On the Road great then Kristen Stewart and Kim Kardashian can grapple for the hearts and minds of the people of Earth.

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