KSWI Guest Blogger Wednesday: Gerber Esquire Edition

September 1, 2010

Editor’s note: YES! YES, an actual guest blog on a Wednesday. Thank you to Gerber and this post you are about to read. I had all these funny things to say last night when I put this up when I was sipping on some chablis, but now I’m chablis free and have nothing to say. Well, not nothing. Thank you to Gerber. Also, that writing a guest post is a relatively harmless experience. Sure, making your brain’s gears turn to form words and put those words in the right order like a puzzle to eventually provide humorous ideas can be a painful experience. But on the upside, you get one-on-one interaction with myself and my undivided attention as well as a myriad of “thank yous”. Genuine, heartfelt, and creepy “thank yous”. Apply for your own guest post today at jordankswi@gmail.com .

Several Awesome Things on the Internet You May Not Have Seen

I’ve been unemployed for all of 2010 thus far, and I may be developing a mild addiction to the internet. There’s only so much shit you can do over the course of a day when you are single and trying to not spend money. The same applies to avoiding alcoholism, and the absolute terribleness of television during the day. I find myself watching a lot of random garbage on the internet, and genuinely enjoying it.

Since you, the reader, are here reading a totally random blog, I will assume you share my passion for the interwebs. You may not, however, have countless hours to find random shit. Allow me to introduce several things that are interesting or awesome that to the best of my knowledge are hidden gems.

Lebron James tours his son, Lebron Jr.’s classroom


This was just posted on Lebron’s twitter yesterday, so it is fresh out of the internet oven. Amongst the awesomest things about this is Lebron Jr.’s nickname: Bronny. His name is Bronny James. If Lebron’s son ever becomes a religious figure in a Spanish speaking country, his name would be Bronny James, Dios. If I had any photoshop talent, I would put Lebron’s face on Ronnie James Dio’s and it would be incredible. Maybe if he becomes great at basketball, Bronny could be the “Holy Driver”. God, I hope at least one of you broads that reads this blog knows what I’m talking about. I was going to watch Twilight for the first time and write a blog about that, but went for random internet shit instead. I haven’t even sent this to Jordan yet and I already feel like everyone needs to stop judging me. Moving along


We Lost Our Gold!


There is a totally sweet treasure hunt going on in the state of New York right now. The basic premise is that there is $10,000 buried somewhere in NY, and these videos are the clues. Much like many other things of this nature, when I heard about this, I thought to myself, “Well, I’m smarter than the average person, there’s a good shot I’ll be able to figure the clues out.” Sadly, after watching two videos, and learning absolutely nothing, I am officially discouraged. I know that there was something in Morse code in the first video, and I’m pretty sure you need to know Japanese or Chinese for some other codes, and I just don’t have that capacity. Sure, maybe I could use my free time to learn Morse code or Chinese, instead of perusing the internet all day. To that I say: You shut your mouths.

The Scale of the Universe!

Hey, did you guys know how big the universe is? Pretty fucking big. I liked learning about how some stuff in space, like VY Canis Majoris, is the largest star known to humans. Also, Betelgeuse, which everyone has heard of because of their love of classic Michael Keaton movies, might explode. I’ve become somewhat interested in the concept that Earth is due for a major collision with something in space. Earth and the Moon have clearly collided with tons of shit during their existence, but it hasn’t happened for a really long time. We are due. My advice is to eat as many hot dogs (or whatever your favorite food might be, it’s probably hot dogs though) as possible while you still can, dance like no one is watching, and also stop judging me.

The Fuggedabuddies

This is Part 1 of my favorite stand-up routine of all time. You will be able to find Part 2 easily, and I suggest that you do. It is 20 minutes well spent. The bit features Jon Glaser and H. Jon Benjamin, both of whom have a resume full of really hilarious comedy ventures. This might be the funniest. I don’t want to give too much away, but it is totally worth watching it until the very end because the whole act ties up in one incredible joke.

QP vs. Soul Khan

This is also somewhat lengthy (about 19 minutes), but incredible and hilarious. This video features two battle rappers absolutely murdering each other in front of a large crowd of people. I am very partial to Soul Khan, who is absolutely hilarious during all of his battles. I generally have a hard time believing that “freestyles” aren’t written, but with these dudes I am pretty sure it’s legit because I’ve seen them fuck up in different battles. I think this video is great just for the degree of difficulty. Assuming these dudes are actually doing it off the top of their head for the most part, it’s really impressive.

The Worst Movie Ending of All-Time

The end of this movie perfectly embodies one of my favorite Louis C.K. bits, “The Guy Whose Facial Expressions Don’t Match the Words Coming Out of His Mouth.” This is a truly awful acting performance, and it makes no sense. I tried to incorporate this “Put ‘er there” into my daily life, and was almost anally assaulted several times. I had no one to blame, but myself. This is just such a ridiculous rollercoaster of emotions that no human being has ever experienced all at one time. Unless that person had multiple personalities, or was just the most wildly unstable person in human existence.

That will conclude my first installment of random internet videos. If you have seen all of them, well, I hate to tell you that you also are addicted to the internet. During the course of the past several weeks I have enjoyed dozens of other videos, including everything by Auto-tune the News, but I figured that everyone has already seen those. Rest assured I will spend the next days and weeks compiling other terrible videos and attaching some of my self worth to being able to answer affirmatively when someone asks if I saw some video of a monkey dancing to the Macarena on an iceberg.


11 Responses to “KSWI Guest Blogger Wednesday: Gerber Esquire Edition”

  1. MLF said

    best way to waste time on the internet: My life is average and texts from last night. I highly recomend them both.

  2. susanelle said

    I can’t help judging you, Gerbie! You’re so judgable. You’re off the scale of judgability.

  3. This is just the best: “Aw, yeah. Don’t act like y’all don’t remember that! All these letters.” Maybe my new favorite unintentionally hilarious observation.

    This broad knows shit about metal, so I had to look up this Dio character. The Internet saves the day again!

    I also watched the 20 minute stand-up video. It was a very long way to go for that joke, but it was pretty worth it. You have acceptable taste in the obscure, sir. But that’s all I have time for today. I’m very busy at work. Working. And talking myself into a tattoo I will probably never get. Priorities.

    Looking forward to the second installment. It seems most of the stuff I’ve stumbled across and tried to share with others has just disturbed people… so I’ve given it a rest. For now.

    • MLF said

      get the fuck out! how can you knock the sneezing farting cat? that shit was golden even if I despise cats. I totally LOLd. stop doubting your mad youtube skillzz 🙂


      I have nothing to say for myself other than all this working out has turned me into a very aggressive happy person and also no I didn’t trade in the weed for steriods so nobody panic

      • I was referring more to the video of the creepy yoga instructor that had everyone all up in arms over “inappropriate touching! this” and “those poor kids! that”. Psh. Builds character.

      • MLF said

        OMG LOL I soo forgot about that one…and yeah it was creepy but again, I laughed..so…

  4. kt said

    Autotune the News is one of my most favorite things ever right now. They really hit it on the head with that Antoine Dodson one. I catch myself singing it occasionally. That and that new Cee-lo Green song have been youtube repeats for the past few weeks.

    Hide ya kids. Hide ya wife.

    • cledbo said

      I heard a new Cee-Lo Green song on the radio the other day that had me wetting myself laughing. No song about a cheating woman and best friend ever sounded so upbeat. Fuck you, and fuck her too!

      I laughed until I stopped.

      • kt said

        You can say fuck on the radio there?! I heard the radio edit here is gonna be called Forget You. Kinda ruins it.

      • cledbo said

        They just ___ it out. Like, not a bleep, the second sound in the word just isn’t there, so it sounds like fff you and fff her too.

        You can say shit as much as you like though, our politicians seem to say ‘bullshit’ all the time (the word, as well as what they say generally being bullshit)

  5. cledbo said

    I will watch from home, as work are a bit down on streaming media these days. You know, seeing as I’m meant to be working, or whatever.

    Your write-ups are encouraging, too.

    Speaking of morse, that shiz is hard.
    A couple of weeks ago I was getting paid to hang around with some old veterans and play with Ham radio, and one of them sent in morse a couple of times – only one person answered him, which didn’t surprise me.
    Dit dit da fucking dit, what the hell? Anyway I’m very glad that particular skill is no longer a job requirement for my trade. Very glad.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: