This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #37

September 3, 2010

It is Friday lunch time starting the weekend we Americans use to mark the end of swimming in public places and/or the season of Summer aka Labor Day Weekend. There are some international readers of this particular website, so I will invite you with great humility to take part in Labor Day by taking off work on Monday and spending the next three days stuffing yourself with grillable meats and salads that are filled with mayonnaise, macaroni and potato. To wash that delightful mixture down, choose beer and lots of it. Get as drunk as you can at a family style backyard barbecue. Play with a dog. Play with a few dogs. Listen to Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA” on continuous repeat. Take a drive in a convertible car with the top down. If no convertible car is available then choose a big engine having muscle car and roll those windows down. If no muscle car is available and only your Toyota Tercel or Honda CR-V are available then let the breeze wash over your arm sticking out the window and gun your 4 cylinder engine like a jackass and pretend you have a cool car. Eat cake. That’s right, don’t be shy on desserts this weekend. You’re celebrating America-style and part of that style is bakery icing goodness circulating in your veins. Regardless of your country’s climate or geological make-up, dress like you are headed to the beach. Sunglasses, sun tan lotion, beach blankets, green or yellow streak of extra powerful sunblock running down the length of your nose and on your cheeks like war paint, flip flops, bathing suit, and a cooler filled with ice and domestic beer cans ready to be drunk in public despite the laws that were put in place against that very practice. Get stuck in traffic. Go find the nearest highway and get stuck in traffic trying to go anywhere for several hours. Wake up early on Saturday and maneuver your way into gridlocked bumper-to-bumper traffic for 4 hours and then complain about it for the entire weekend when there is a lull in any conversation because they too were stuck in traffic to get wherever you are. Get sunburn. Do not heed any one or any numerous warnings that one must re-apply sun tan lotion after a few hours of being outside. Trust your gut, your gut full of cheap beer and hot dogs, that you are not a statistic and your skin simply absorbed more lotion than anyone else and you will be fine. Plus you are currently in the middle of an intense battle of wills in a beach semi-tackle football game with other out-of-shape weekday office drones. You are simply moving too fast for the sun’s rays to catch you. It is science. Once you do achieve said sunburn, wear it proudly. Sunburn on your chest, pop a few buttons on that Hawaiian shirt and show the people that sandy mess of chest hair set elegantly on the backdrop of your pained, surface of Mars red, burnt skin. Pass over your well worn traffic story for a new and jubilant tale of trying to persevere against the Almighty by playing through a beach football game without stopping for more lotion, but God had different plans for you. Drive a boat. Take one out for a spin regardless of any boating license or lack of experience handling boats. The boat is doing all the hard parts: staying afloat and propelling the vessel. All you need to do is steer and the waters are open, so big wide turns are fully welcome. If you do not have a boat then make friends with someone who does or steal someone’s boat – we’re celebrating America, remember? Talk boastfully about all subjects whether you know anything about them or not. Seen a baseball game before? You are more than ready to comment about the final stretch of the everlasting baseball season. Did you watch the Superbowl last year, or at least attempt to before passing out drunk at halftime? You are more than qualified to give your future seeing vision of how this upcoming NFL season will play out. Gawk at teenagers. There is no television outside and teenagers are almost as entertaining as TV is anyway. Sit and stare at them. Stare at them in silence and follow the never fail three phase emotional journey of reality. Phase 1: stare at the teenagers and feel happy. Happy because you remember how exciting life was as a teenager. A young body full of life interacting with other lively bodies that have yet to feel the dark cold grip of aging beset with wrinkles. Take a deep breath and feel warm just knowing that with youth comes heat because they still have the fire of life flickering away like a ten story flame. Phase 2: Sadness. Feel sad knowing that this remembering of any youthful passion is just that, remembering what has been lost long ago. Feel the bitter nostalgia that you were once one of them and cannot be them ever again. Dig deep into this well and realize you are getting older at all times and every second that passes is the youngest you will ever be and it will not get any better. On the verge of tears in public take a deep breath before Phase 3: Disdain. The youth of today is stupid. That’s right. Every generation preceding your own is a butt load full of dummies and you are smarter than all of them. Not necessarily “book smart”, but “street smart”, which matter infinitely more. You are a genius when it comes to knowledge via bitter experience. Those teenagers over there are airheads without a responsible or worthwhile thought in their stupid heads. They don’t recognize the leader and more powerful entity that is you. They walk around completely oblivious to you and your ilk, they’re completely wrapped in their own word of fleeting thoughts of romance and listening to pop music with other empty headed youths. Don’t they see the adult worthy of praise right before their eyes? I have a mortgage. I pay taxes. I can buy alcohol legally in every country on this planet that serves it. I take multi-vitamins. These idiot kids cannot see that in ancient societies they would bow to me. Now alter your stare to a glare. A glare like Kristen Stewart gives reporters who ask questions about her relationship with Rob. A glare that reads “if it were legal for me to make your head explode with my mind then I would do that now”. So let them, the youth, walk by without a second thought as you finish off another cold beer. Remember we are celebrating America and with that you get up, dust yourself off, and go on a search for ice cream and funnel cake. Lather, rinse and repeat from Saturday to Monday. Have a good weekend.


13 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #37”

  1. MLF said

    there are so many glorious things in this post.

    A- potato sald and macaroni salad are so gross! I know. it should be illegal for me to say that since I am infact an american but…ew! I love mayo, macaroni, and potatoes so you would think that would lead to me liking them in this so-called “salad” form (even though wtf- no one puts mayo on salad…) but yeah I hate them. ew. Eggsalad sandwhiches on the otherhand are gloriously delicious. So I’ll stick with that.

    B- you are clearly catering to a male demographic with the chest hair thing which is funny since most of your readers are females. unless you assume most of us have chest hair which we do not. I am speaking on behalf of all the sisterwives when I say we don’t have chesthair. and if they do have chest hair they will have that taken care of before KSWICON because I am not down with that ladies. there will be no spooning, drunken porn watching, the whole shebang, if people attending have chesthair. I guess except for the obvious dude in attendance. and campbell. you get a pass for the chesthair campbell so don’t worry and don’t go unnecesarily waxing your chest unless you are so inclined.

    C- Traffic! why do people complain about it? I don’t understand. there are always alternative routes. I take them all the time…although I imagine driving down dixie highway is more fun when you are in florida looking at the ocean than when you are in pennsylvania looking at the ammish. or trees or whatever.

    D-do not listen to Jordan and make sure to re-apply your sunscreen. if not to avoid cancer than for vanities sake. sun+ burn= wrinkles and horrible sun spots. trust. my grandma looks like an old wrinkly spotted elephant. only she weighs like ninety pounds so a bullimic elephant. Note- my gma is not bullimic.

    E- I used to hate hot dogs but not I motherfucking love
    em and this post has made me want one

    F- in my healthcare trends class last night we talked about so many interesting things including this little gem of knowledge: as you may or may not know, wendy’s is one of the few fastfood places that offers a tripple burger. you would think they offer this because it has been proven that people want to buy it but that would be incorrect. it is actually offered as a ploy for making people feel better about buying the double because they feel they are still using moderation and restraint. I find that fascinating. I’m probably the only one. For the record as an experiment we were given the challenge of eating one and it is impossible. if you can eat the entire thing then you should not eat anything else for possibly three days or you will die. And I am not talking about the burger and a coke and fries. I am talking about just the burger because I am pretty sure as soon as you eat it all your arteries close up and you die. I did not find it enjoyable at all because the meat to bun ratio is too low. and it’s too greasy. anyways but yeah in conclusion I can eat quite a lot of food but not a tripple and neither should you. and wendy’s is a marketing strategist genius.

    that is all. have a nice weekend Jordan since I think you’re the only person who’s gonna read this

  2. kt said

    I wish my weekend were going to be as glorious as that. Instead I’m pretty sure I’m not doing anything at all. Maybe read a few books. Speaking of books I read the Hunger Game trilogy this week… well I have like 5 chapters left in Mockingjay, but still. Good stuff, haven’t been able to put them down.

  3. kt said

    OMG just watched that video. I want an orangutan now. Cutest. thing. ever.

  4. susanelle said

    So, Jordan, no questions this week or did you forget it was Friday?

    Also, I’m a little alarmed that you’re always imagining you’re old or composing lists of old people to fuck, etc. I would almost think you really are old yourself except that your imaginings have the stupidity of the young.

    Being old is not at all what people think it’s going to be when they’re young. Yeah, there are old people who are assholes but without exception they were assholes as young people as well. So quit obsessing about aging and enjoy yourself.

  5. Lala said

    We already have a day off next week. Well, most people will have two days off, it’s our Independence Day on Tuesday so a bunch of people won’t work on Monday either. Unfortunately, I’m not one of those people and I have to work. I kinda hate ballet right now.

  6. AmyAlmost said

    your weekend sort of sounds like a weekend at the cricket although everyone wears yellow and green stripes on their faces.

  7. susanelle said


    IT’S TUESDAY, 1:45 P.M. !

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