Can’t Underage Teens Get Drunk Like Normal People

September 8, 2010

I’m watching the movie Whip It.

I was planning on writing about drinking today.

The one seems to be really influencing me to start doing the other and not just writing about it. But what would be sadder than getting drunk at 11am while watching a movie by Drew Barrymore about girls roller derby? It would be sadderer if I was wearing my own cosplay girls roller derby outfit inspired by my favorite character from this movie as well as matching roller-skates and helmet… and drinking before 11am and it wasn’t by chance that I turned this on because there is nothing else on TV, but instead I had searched the digital cable menu for the times that Whip It played on TV and I planned this all out and wrote it on my Whip It wall calendar that I made at a local Kinko’s with each month a screen capture of these colorful characters that I took with my iphone.

That would be sadderer. Actually, it would be saddererer if it was a tear off 365 day calendar and not some stupid 12 month wall calendar. To show true devotion, I would create this ripoff calendar with my compiled list of favorite quotes, trivia, and roller derby facts. That would be saddererer, so much so that I’m considering starting to drink now at 11:05am because that image is that disturbingly sad.

Either way, Alia Shawkat has some big boobs. Big wonderful boobs.

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You know who does as well, Kat Dennings. Jesus Christ resurrected to be a celebrity life coach on NBC’s The Biggest Loser she has some big carnivorous boobs. Like bison burger eating boobs.

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Ok, I’m backing off the edge of morning drinking by calming myself with the thought of boobs. Everything is better now. Except for the fact that I now feel sad and lonely that not one of those four boobs is here right now to keep me company. But that is a normal level of disappointment I’m used to.

I was thinkin’ of talkin’ drinkin’ today.

Another friend of mine tried Four Loko this past weekend. Against all the alluring descriptions and warnings I wrote, they still felt the need to try it. And I do not blame him. I understand that after years of drinking beer, wine, whiskey (blended and single malt), gin, vodka, rum, tequila, bourbon, absinthe, jager, and some other liquids that may or may not have been expected to be consumed by homo sapien sapiens, but nevertheless get you fucked up – the idea of drinking this vile Four Loko concoction is an intriguing one.

And that is ok to me. I as well as he are seasoned drinkers. Veteran drinkers. At this point in our illustrious career of consuming the legally consumable poison, we have the experience necessary to survive a night of Four Loko. But what scares me most about Four Loko are the kids of America with Four Loko. The kids of America, the youth of today, the children of the future with their hoverboards and time travel belts will be starting out drinking and their drink of choice will be Four Loko. They will not be ready for it. No one is ready for this canned wickedness, but at the very least a professional boozer will be able to march on through the evil science project of Four Loko and realize that the old ways of getting drunk on actual alcohol is much preferred.

And what of the long traditions of drinking booze?

And what of more Ari Graynor!?! She is so damn attractive. If I could quantify her attractiveness into craziness then she would be the 50 Cent Twitter account of attractiveness. Why wasn’t Whip It an instructional documentary about how to contact Ari Graynor and make her fall in love with you via intellectually charming or an aerosol based pheromone formula that tricks her into falling in love with you if you wear it as a cologne?

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What of the “case races”? What of them!?! What of the glory of them? What of the aquarium like feeling one has when one’s stomach is filled with roughly 300 ounces of commercial sudsy beer? What of it!?! One cannot “case race” with Four Loko. It is humanly impossible to drink a case of Four Loko. It is actually humanly impossible to drink more than one can of Four Loko. Reason being, if you do finish one can of Four Loko then you are technically not human anymore. At that point, you cease being human because the percentage of humanity that generally makes you up is subtracted by the anti-matter juice of Four Loko and you cannot be considered, scientifically, as a human being anymore. Even then it is virtually impossible as an inhuman to drink a second can of Four Loko.

What of the “power hour”? What of taking a shot of beer every 60 seconds for an hour? One cannot drink 60 shots of Four Loko in a lifetime and if one tries then that lifetime will only be until that very day when you started trying. What of the feeling that doing 60 shots of beer doesn’t sound like much when considering how many ounces are in a shot and how many ounces one usually drinks of beer, but then like 20 minutes in you start realizing that you’re drunk and you are only 1/3 of the way through the hour and the timer contraption you have set to alert you of the shot at each minute mark starts sounding like the apocalyptic alarm in the bunker of Lost? What about the turn around half hour into the “power hour” when you realize how many beers you are going through, so instead of getting up to get one beer at a time you decide to take a couple beers out at a time, but that is actually a bad idea because the other beers are just sitting there getting warmer and eventually you will be taking shots of warm beer in the home stretch of 10 minutes left and counting?

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What of beer pong!?! What of BEER PONG!?! WHAT OF BEER PONG!?! I am getting teary eyed just thinking of the demise of beer pong. I am getting teary eyed like Ellen Page finding out that her rocker boyfriend gave her t-shirt she gave him to another girl. Also, I would say this – DO NOT DATE A GUY WHO CAN WEAR YOUR CLOTHES! That seems to be words to live by. If you are dating a guy who could without any serious alteration wear the clothes that you have chosen for yourself in the girls’ and women’s sections of clothing stores then you should not be dating him. If Ellen Page gave me a t-shirt to wear, my attempt to put the t-shirt on would look like Hulk Hogan tearing his t-shirt off somehow in reverse. It would be like the Incredible Hulk trying to wear the clothes not just of Bruce Banner, but of Bruce Banner’s little sister. Anyway, BEER PONG!

Are we suggesting that one day a couple will go to a Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse and order a rare porterhouse with a side of mashed potatoes and instead of looking for a nice red zinfandel or cabernet sauvignon, that they will be making the choice between a watermelon or fruit punch Four Loko? On an airline, will there be a day that ordering two shot bottle after two shot bottle of Dewars blended scotch whiskey like a classy grown-up will be replaced by neon pop top cans of the Devil’s piss Four Loko?

I want to smack the can of Four Loko out of every new drinker’s hand just like Ellen Page smacked that female sized rocker ex-boyfriend of her’s when he tried in vain to lie about not cheating on her or calling her. I want to smack the can of Four Loko out of their hand and replace in that hand a 40 of Olde English and duct tape that to their hand and that do the same to their other hand and play Edward 40-hands. If they want to drink malt liquor then drink a reasonable amount of it like any good American at a decent 6 – 8% of alcohol instead of the raucous 12% mixed with the Holocaust nectar of Four Loko.

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It is a moral victory for Ellen Page and the Hurl Scouts. They lose the final game, but they never expected to make the finals to begin with, so there is always next year. And with that, I can take that moral victory as well because maybe this time next year when the fictional Ellen Page is playing in a fictional finals again of roller derby that no one will care about Four Loko anymore. It’s not like sports stadiums are going to start selling it. You cannot eat a hotdog and drink a Four Loko at the same time. You cannot eat a cheesesteak drinking a melted down bag of jolly ranchers mixed with battery acid. You will not see Four Loko served as an alternative to a Bloody Mary or a mimosa at brunch.

As Ellen Page looks optimistically into the future of her life in Austin, Texas as a part-time professional roller derby girl, I guess I need to leave my cynicism aside and remember that Four Loko is a fad. And hopefully, some old drunk will take all the new drunks under their vodka soaked wings and teach them that you need to forgo the flashing lights of the Four Loko for a longer much more mature drinking experience of the time tested draught beer and Jameson or something similar.

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19 Responses to “Can’t Underage Teens Get Drunk Like Normal People”

  1. tiffanized said

    I have failed at everything mentioned in this post except for having large breasts. I tried out for roller derby once but apparently I’m not aggressive enough. Sadderer than all of your sads is me wearing a roller derby outfit but not being in roller derby.

    I have also failed at drinking games. I’m not much of a drinker. You would probably refer to me as a “lightweight” or a “cheap date”. I got drunk just reading your last post about Four Loko. Two glasses of wine and I’m slurring my words and peeing in an alley.

    I’m glad you watched “Whip It”. I haven’t seen it yet, though it stars a disproportionate amount if my favorite actresses. I might just Netflix that shit

  2. Lala said

    No post Monday, no post yesterday… I missed you, Jordan.
    And you talked about tequila. I love tequila! Actually, I don’t really love it, but it’s a great way to get drunk very fast and it’s pretty much the only thing I drink. I mean, alcohol. It’s not like I only drink tequila. Anyway…

  3. susanelle said

    Yeah, so, nary a word about your absence yesterday? And today is Wednesday so it’s supposed to be a guest post. I guess the guest is you? I’m so disoriented now it’s like I’ve been drinking. Off I go for a smoke.

  4. MLF said

    oh jeez. Whip It is excellent and so is Four Loko. I am the lightest lightweight that could possibly exist and I haven’t died from drinking Four Loko yet, PLUS it comes in delicious flavors. actually Ironically one of my friends was drinking Four Loko last night, and he is my age and weighs around 180lbs and he drank four of them. I mean he is a seasoned drinker but there was no vomit or knocking shit over or dying so I would consider the night a success for him and his four loko. good times. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again- Four Loko rawks.

  5. I haven’t seen Whip It yet so thanks for ruining the ending for me, jerk. Does Bruce Willis make a cameo in it and is he did? Will Sixth Sense jokes ever get old? Are they already? All very important questions.

    There is a boy out there the same size as Ellen Page?! A boy that isn’t a child? And that is (I’m assuming) old enough to drive and drink and “do it”?! Mind: blown.

    I still have every intention of trying Four Loko if I find myself in it’s crack-like presence. Not large quantities of it. I can’t even stand Redbull and vodka, so I’m assuming Four Loko isn’t something I’m going to want to savor… but I’ll try it nonetheless. So, short of you telling us it literally killed you — which will be difficult to do unless Bruce Willis is your afterlife sensei (no, I won’t stop making those jokes, thank you) — I will try it one day if given the opportunity.

    Sorry you don’t have any boobs with you. I saw so many boobs this weekend. So many. And I almost slept with a naked girl. I think you should start going on more bachelorette parties.

  6. MLF said

    my parents took me to Ruth’s Chris for dinner the day of graduation and wow. what a waste of money! it was ridiculous. obscenely expensive considering I didn’t even think it was good. wealthy people are so odd. I thought Outback was wayyyyy more delicious and it’s much cheaper. So if you want good steak say fuck you Ruth’s Chris and go to Outback.

    for the record- I wanted to go to Sonny’s but they said no, which, uhm hello?? I’m pretty sure that I’M the one that graduated so if we are celebrating ME shouldn’t I get to choose??

    whatever.

    • tiffanized said

      The worst date I ever had happened at a Ruth’s Chris. It was our first date, and when he said Ruth’s Chris, I was excited because I’d never eaten at one. Then we got there, and his parents were there. There was a piano player, and his dad requested “Embraceable You” and then asked me to dance instead of his wife. He wouldn’t let me go–I danced to about three songs with him until the food got there. By the end of the evening, his mom had about seven glasses of wine and an irish coffee and she was not happy with me and not afraid to let us all know. His parents paid for the dinner, and then I found out it was his mom’s birthday. Awkward turtle.

      And thus ends the story of the only time I ever ate at Ruth’s Chris.

      • MLF said

        that could potentially be the funniest worst first date ever.

        when we went it was my mom, stepdad, dad (yup. awkwardddd) grandma, sis and me. I had stayed up really late the night before partying so I looked horrible in all of the actual photos from that day and had to suffer through the ceremony with the worst headache ever, and when we got to Ruth’s I threw up in the bathroom sink (hangover plus car sick equals vomit) I’m pretty sure the old lady in there was not impressed. then I felt much better and very hungry and was really looking forward to some motherfucking delicious steak…it was very meh. I went home and as soon as the parental units left I went out and got wendy’s. *shrugs*

      • I’d go vegetarian after a night like that, too.

  7. kristenstewartwantsit said

    I would like to amend a comment I made in the post about not dating a guy who can wear your clothes without alteration. Generally speaking I think that rule applies, but I think easily the rule applies if you are Ellen Page. Do not date any man who can wear Ellen Page’s clothes. I think that makes even more sense.

    • MLF said

      to be fair the shirt she gave him was much bigger on her than it was on him. and if you are ellen page that means you are quite small and you could date someone small also. however if you are larger than ellen page then I agree you should not date someone who could wear ellen page’s clothing.

  8. cledbo said

    I saw Scott Pilgrim vs The World on Tuesday night, instead of working. It was everything you said it would be and more, and now I want 80s video game noises to occur in my life – that shiz is better than theme music any day.

    This movie doesn’t interest me, though Ellen Page was good in Inception, and a girl at my work gave a 2 minute talk on the rules of roller derby as part of a public speaking class I took, so now I know how roller derby works. Also, apparently only girls play it. So it’s even more exclusive than netball, or hockey, or those other predominantly female sports. It’s rockabilly no-boys-allowed territory apparently.

    I’ve become a light-weight in my totally not old age too. I actually think the corresponding rise in my wussiness correlates to the decline of my dancing days – there’s nowhere good to dance in this town I currently live in, so I sit down and do nothing whilst drinking instead of shaking my booty. This equals a much larger hangover. I need to find somewhere to cut a rug, stat!

    • tiffanized said

      I feel like you live in the Australian version of the small town in Footloose.

      I tried to get my hair cut like Ramona Flowers after I saw Scott Pilgrim. The woman told me I was too old, but she gave it the old college try anyway. I did not end up looking like Ramona Flowers.

      • MLF said

        you did look very very cute though!

      • cledbo said

        Having had hair very similar to Ms Flowers in both style and every colour when I was in high school, I wouldn’t recommend it particularly.

        Those were my lazy days with regards to actually (not) styling my hair at all, and trust me for anyone crazy enough to consider the colour side, that shit only looks good for like, 2 washes, and then it looks like barf.

  9. bachelorette parties are kind of interesting, i wonder if they also have same activities with bachelor parties ~

  10. I’m coming out with something called FIVE Loko after it gets banned!
    The real TRUTH about the Fo-Lo ban! This cartoon I made explains it all…

  11. I like your blog…. right up my alley.

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