The Definitive NFL 2010 Season Anal-sis featuring Dawgz

September 9, 2010

Today is a great day. Outside of the anniversary of my, Kay-Swidge-Izzle-My-jizzle, birth (June 15th, memorize it), today is the most important day of the 2010 year. Today marks the return of professional tackle football. FOOTBALL! I CAN’T FUCKING WAIT! It is only a few scant hours away when I and the rest of the world and the universe and those pesky aliens (illegal immigrants as well as green men who live on Saturn) can finally watch professional FOOTBALL again. I feel a surge of energy rushing through my veins right now just thinking about.

For the past four weeks, I’ve been watching the NFL preseason. Watching the NFL preseason is akin to an unenthusiastic dry handjob. This past week, college football started up. But if you like professional football then adding college football to the mix is merely some spittle for lube and breathy dirty talk.  Yeah, it may do the trick every so often, but it ain’t nothing to the NFL season, which is full on XXX rated tantric animal-style damn near should be illegal it is so good hardcore banging the walls flying kama sutra positions up on your toes need a Gatorade and a power bar cause all the nutrients of your body is pouring out of your sexhole fucking! Add commas and punctuation where it is needed up there.

My point is, in all seriousness, without an ounce of hyperbole:

The National Football League and the brand of professional tackle football played in it is the greatest gift that the God has given humanity.

I asked Dawgz to give me his thoughts on this most holy of opening days, more holy than, but very similar to that one unseasonably cool summer night when Britney Spears opened herself to the throws of condomless sex without marriage. Both of these experiences (the start of an NFL season and Britney Spears’ love life) have left an uncountable path of human carnage littered with blood and shattered dreams as well euphoric ecstasy for the lucky few. This is what Dawgz had to say:

As the heat and humidity of the summer breaks and the days become shorter, one of America’s greatest rituals is set to begin. The National Football League’s 2010 season is upon us.

Throughout America citizens in nearly every major city have been spellbound in anticipation for the prospects that lay in store for their tackle football organization. There has been a lot of trash talk and bold predictions since February, but now, finally, the games are here and the battles are set. There is no more time for talk, because only the actions on the field matter. It is quite simply a great time to be alive in these “States United.”

So in celebration of this annual custom; a custom that entails genetic freak-men from across this continent getting together to run into each other at ridiculously high speed; Jordan has asked me to quickly jot down some of my thoughts for 2010.

1. Peyton Manning is going to have a “Fuck You Season”

What is a fuck you season you may be asking? Well it is when a player has something more to prove than just winning games, because for a player in the midst of a fuck you season every game is a chance to make a statement. After throwing the most costly INT in the history of football, a pick that directly cost his team the Super Bowl, you can bet that Peyton Manning is going to want to show that world something a little extra every time he is out on the field. You know he blames himself and has been working his ass off to make sure that he is never responsible for a loss again. Manning is going to be unrelenting in 2010. He might break Dan Marino’s 1984 record for pass yards in a season. The Colts might go 16-0. He could throw 50+ touchdowns. Everything is on the table for Manning in 2010, because his mistake last February is going to motivate him to become an even better football player than he ever has been, which considering he has already won 4 MVP’s, is a very scary proposition for everyone else. So when you see Peyton this year and he is destroying defenses, just know that in his head he is continuously reciting, “fuck you.”

2. The Miami Dolphins are going to win the AFC East.

For the sake of disclosure I must say that I am a huge Dolphins fan, who I often refer to as the “Ball-phins,” so obviously this prediction is a little biased. But objectively, the Ball-phins are going to be a tough out this year. They traded for Brandon Marshall who gives them their first legitimate receiving threat since 1994. They also signed Karlos Dansby who is going to be a defensive anchor at inside linebacker. Their QB is maturing everyday and they still have Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams. Any way you look at it, the Ball-phins’ roster has the most talent on it in over 15 years. Couple this with the fact that they are flying under the radar because the New York Jets are sucking up all the oxygen in their division, and you have a recipe for a team that could dominate the league seemingly out of nowhere. Betting against the Ball-phins this year is going to be perilous. You have all been warned.

3. The Detroit Lions are going to be a good football team.

What? The Lions, don’t they always suck? Yes they do always suck, no season more so than 2008 when they lost all 16 games they played. But I like this young Lions team. First of all, in the NFL no team is bad forever. Secondly, they play defense, they have a young strong-armed QB who is tough as nails, and they are loaded with talent in the skilled positions. I am not saying that the Lions are going to make the playoffs, but they are going to win some games that they shouldn’t. (Upset alert: The Eagles are going to loss in Detroit week 2). Rookie defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh is a beast of a man that is going to fit in nicely with Jim Schwartz’s defensive scheme. Running Back Jahvid Best is a playmaker who is going to score touchdowns. Quarterback Matthew Stafford is going to take big strides this year as a player and a leader. This all adds up to a Lions team that is on the rise and they are going to be a real interesting to follow in 2010 and beyond.

Well thank you for that Dawgz. I have to agree with everything he said not because we currently live together, but because I believe him to be right… and we live together. Peyton Manning is a demi-God in football and has been for the past decade. There is no real reason for him to stop now. He has a couple detractors this year losing his offensive coach and one of his lead lineman in Jeff Saturday, but that will only make Peyton try harder than before like Dawgz said. The Ball-phins were one of the most active teams in the off-season as far as big trades. This is the year that they need to make a play for the title and prove that they are an elite football team. The Lions have added a lot of young talent and I think showed that they are an eager and aggressive football team. On draft day, I was very excited to see the Lions take Suh. Get used to seeing and hearing people stumble over the nearly unpronounceable Ndamukong Suh. The man is big and mean.

Lastly, Dawgz and I will go through all of the 32 glorious football teams and give a word association like summary for this season. Dawgz will be in red. I will be in blue. Reason being, Dawgz has been to an Alan Jackson concert, where Brooks & Dunn also played, so basically he understands the plight of the red-staters. Just like eating Chinese food makes you understand the 1.3 billion nation of China. He has heard your music and seen it in person, he infiltrated your society without you even knowing it. And I will be in blue because my eyes are a shade of blue that speaks innocence to the mind, loose morals to the heart, and wetness to the panties.

AFC

East
Buffalo Bills –
A good defense, but the front office and fan base are really just waiting to draft a real QB in the 2011. Sports Illustrated did a survey of which team’s fans party the longest in pre-gaming and the Bills’ fans won – no shocker because they need as much booze as they can get to stand the sight of their own team.
Miami Dolphins –
Most talent on the roster since Don Shula was the coach.  Sleeper Super Bowl potential. No team is ready to play in the humidity and on the dirt field in Miami, including Miami. Nevertheless, a solid run game plus an ever improving passing game means they’re dangerous.
New England Patriots – No running backs, injured players, disgruntled Randy Mosses, and Tom Brady’s terrible hair all equal a team on decline. Good things happen to beautiful people especially beautiful people with an ass-ton of talent, so I expect Brady and that Pats to be a threat as always, but probably not Super Bowl ready.
New York Jets – A lot of noise about Super Bowls, a lot of big names on the roster, a lot of unrealistic expectations.  All this will equal a perfect storm of disappointment in 2010. The flight of Icarus is the story of the Jets this year.

South
Houston Texans –
If this isn’t the year they make the playoffs they will be in the market for a new head coach. The Texans have gotten steadily better and are always just shy of proving that they are more than a second tier team, but I think they are still a second tier team.
Indianapolis Colts – Everyone in the league should be very afraid, very afraid, of Mr. Manning. “The Sheriff” Peyton Manning is still the unequivocal leader of this franchise and he’ll lead them to a lot of victories. Also, “Mr. Glass” Bob Sanders will play half the season this year before he disappears onto the IR.
Jacksonville Jaguars  – Suck. Agreed.
Tennessee Titans – Big year for Vince Young because the last time he was the starting QB to begin a season he had a mental breakdown.  Chris Johnson might become the first man to ever have back-to-back 2,000 yard rushing seasons, but I still don’t love their defense. The Titans need to show last year wasn’t a fluke. Chris “4.2” Johnson needs to continue as a premiere back and Vince “The Prince” Young needs to hold the starting position of QB and lead these team to a consistent season.

West
Denver Broncos –
No running backs will hurt the offense, but they will play sound football on both sides of the ball.  Tim Tebow will rush for 5 or more touchdowns, but they will struggle to be .500. Tons of injuries and lost a big receiver in Brandon Marshall – not sure what to expect from them… outside of every touchdown they score a high pitch squeal and Hitler salute from their prepubescent coach Josh McDaniels.
Kansas City Chiefs – New offensive and defensive coordinators will help them be more consistent, but not enough talent to really make noise. The Chiefs are just trying to survive the season to prove they can do it.
Oakland Raiders – They got a lot better after they dropped The King (JaMarcus Russell), but they still have no WR’s.  The defense is good, but the playoffs are probably not going to happen. They were surprisingly dangerous last year regardless of their shoddy personnel and should be better this year. Although, I won’t root for this because they got rid of The King.
San Diego Chargers – They have The Creep (Phillip Rivers) and as long as he is playing they will win this division. The Chargers are trying to score a thousand touchdowns because there is the possibility you will score 999 on them. Exciting football nonetheless.

North
Baltimore Ravens –
For the first time in their history, their offense might be better than their defense, which is terrible news for the rest of the league. They like to hurt people, they have an excellent young running back in “RuttRo” Ray Rice and they have a brand new wide receiving core. We all should expect big things from The Wire’s football team.
Cincinnati Bengals – I will give them credit for doing things in an attempt to win, but I don’t think they are going to be able to sneak up on teams the way they did last year. Easily, the most entertaining pair of WR’s in Ochocinco and TO, but this season will be a struggle much like their last few. They are a scrappy bunch who can steal wins.
Cleveland Browns – Jake Delhomme is not the answer.  Colt McCoy will see the field before the season ends. Nothing to see here. Rebuilding year. But I hope Jerome “JEROME!” Harrison has a big year for them.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Large Benjamin is gone for the first month but they will rally behind Dixon and still be a dangerous team around playoff time. BLACK AND GOLD! I am a Steelers fan. I think the defense is still looking to hurt people and the “Steamin’ Willie Beamin” Dennis Dixon is looking to score some TDs with Ben on the sidelines. I’m hopeful.

NFC

East
Dallas Cowboys –
A lot of talent, but they still have a terrible coach.  They will make the playoffs, but I don’t see a Super Bowl run. They will win a bunch of football games this year as usual and by mid-season people will be talking a championship, but they are prone to making mistakes and losing and by that I mean specifically Tony Romo. He’s just so darn excitable.
New York Giants – The Jets are the hot team dominating the New York media, which lets the G-Men be a team that is somehow underrated.  A lot of big names that played bad last year and need to play big this year will equal a division championship. The Giants should be playing with a chip on their shoulder about last season. They need a leader in that locker room on defense and for the sake if they find it they should be a scary team.
Philadelphia Eagles – Get used to hearing Michael Vick – Eagles starting quarterback, because I don’t believe in Kevin Kolb. Agreed. Barely acknowledge his existence or hate him – Mike Vick is Philly’s QB this year.
Washington Redskins – A team in turmoil, but Donovan is going to thrive in a new atmosphere. They can’t be much worse than last year. I think this is a team trying to go 8-8 together this year to make a push next year.


South
Atlanta Falcons –
A really talented team that nobody is talking about.  Dangerous, very dangerous. I think Archie Manning is the illegitimate father of QB Mattie “Ice” Ryan – dirty birds are a good team.
Carolina Panthers – Stud running backs and a young and athletic defense, but they might be a year away from really competing. The Panthers have been an enigma since their inception – they will continue to be this year. Losing a game or two they should win and winning games they should lose. But no title run.
New Orleans Saints – I was the first person on the bandwagon last year.  I am the first one off it in 2010.  They will not make the playoffs, despite Drew Brees having another monster season.I’m not as down on the Saints as Dawgz. I think they’ll do fine. Not the run they went on last year, but they will be an offensive juggernaut again and will make the playoffs.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Young, really young.  Like crazy young.  This year is going to be a learning experience. They need to put calcium in the water in Tampa Bay because this team is brittle. They’ll play with heart, but not many wins this season and probably a new coach next season.

West
Arizona Cardinals –
All world wide out Larry Fitzgerald is going to get dejected watching Derek Anderson throw the ball to the other team more than to him. Biggest drop in talent. Their coach is excellent, but he’s not out on the field playing for them. They’ll be lucky to go .500.
San Francisco 49ers – This is a team that is ready to make a jump.  They should win this terrible division. The 49ers need to get at least 10 wins this season. They need it bad to prove these past few years have been moving towards the right direction and I think they can get 6 wins right here winning each of these conference games.
Seattle Seahawks – New coach, new attitude, old QB. They will be better but not by much. Just trying to survive this year to prove they can.
St. Louis Rams – Rebuilding in St. Louis.  They are just hoping that their rookie QB Sam Bradford doesn’t get killed this year. Agreed. This whole division is in a rebuilding phase.

North
Chicago Bears –
Big year for The Villain (Jay Cutler).  He needs to take care of the ball and make better decisions if this team is going to make a playoff run. Won’t be too hard for them to show improvement from last year, but I don’t think they are ready for the playoffs.
Detroit Lions – Don’t sleep on this team. It will be a miracle if they go 8-8, but there is an outside shot they could. They are making positive steps forward and hopefully that will continue for them.
Green Bay Packers – Everybody thinks they are going to win the Super Bowl.  I think they may win their division and that is about it. High scoring offense with the potential of having an excellent defense. They seem to be their own worst enemies with injuries and blowing plays. I think they will be a tough team to beat and be in the playoffs.
Minnesota Vikings – If they can keep the old man in one piece and the defense keeps up the pressure they should be right were they were last year, fighting for the Super Bowl. As much as people talk about Brett “Silver Fox” Favre (and they should), this season is a big one for Adrian Peterson. He needs to stop fumbling the ball and helping win big games that matter. It is great that he can run over shit teams like they are shit teams, but he needs to prove it on a cold night in December against a top tier team. Good luck to him.


And I’m spent I’m sure you’re all thanking us for all of this. Oh thank you Jordan and Dawgz for writing 3000 words about football on a Kristen Stewart themed website. Thank you from the bottom of our female probably couldn’t give a shit hearts. Thank you.

And you’re welcome.

Spent.

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30 Responses to “The Definitive NFL 2010 Season Anal-sis featuring Dawgz”

  1. Lala said

    Yeah, I couldn’t give a shit about it and I didn’t even read today’s post. However, I did like the pictures, they are really cute.

  2. kt said

    I read about half of that. I don’t watch professional football. I watch college football. Specifically I watch the college football involving Florida teams. More specifically FSU and UF. I only watch UF so that I have an educated basis for my shit talking.

    That picture with the puppy on the football is cute.

  3. tiffanized said

    I totally give a shit. Particularly about the season to be had by Joe Flacco, Steven Jackson, Beanie Wells, Brandon Jacobs, Andre Johnson, Mike Sims-Walker, Dallas Clark, Rob Bironas and the entire Jets defense. I joined a fantasy football league and those guys are on my team the Never Nudes. I just have to convince them all to wear cutoffs under their football outfits.

  4. MLF said

    well I loved today’s post. *shocked stares*

    no seriously. and here is why- I don’t follow professional football, so in an effort to appear like I know anything about it I am going to print this out and memorize it, and then the next time I’m in buffalo wild wings and a bunch of guys are talking about one of the teams mentioned, I will regurtitate some of the trivia I have learned today and seem totally awesome. and then I will keep my mouth shut and not say anything else so they don’t realize I have no clue what the eff I’m talking about. coy smiles go a long way.

    also, I have to say this post totally reminds me of pokemon. I know many of the sisterwives have kids that played with pokemon and did not enjoy them personally, but all of these stats and teams totally remind me of catching wild pokemon and “battling” them. I used to know everything there was to know about all 150 pokemon (there was 150 of them when I was little, now there’s way more apparently) and yet I find it hard to understand why anyone would want to know everything about every football team.

    I suspect it is because I have ovaries.

    • susanelle said

      I feel your second paragraph… last year I passed off Jordan’s football opinions as my own and was the recipient of many respectful stares from male friends who love football. They would stare at me with respect and then launch into some kind of agreeing speech or respectful counter-argument, which I didn’t bother to listen to, though I appeared to be listening and nodding. So that has been one fun thing about KSWI.

      Your second paragraph was like a football counter-argument I have pretended to listen to, because I don’t know a thing about Pokemon.

      Your first paragraph was strong and exciting, but I can’t agree with it. I mean, I can’t say I love football talk. I just dabble in it.

      • MLF said

        I actually do like football- just not professional. professional just makes me angry to think of them getting paid millions of dollars to throw a ball around. college football I like however, because there are lots of upsets and also the players are young and hot and in an age bracket that I would feel comfortable sleeping with them.

        not that that matters of course.

        also I am pretty sure part of my DNA says “must love FSU no matter how often they lose,” as well as “must hate and shit talk gators no matter how much they win”

        and of course there’s always rooting for my own school as well.

      • kt said

        I have similar DNA. And I have to say that even though I was ecstatic with our awesome win on Saturday… I really miss Bobby. It’s almost like my grandpa died or something.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        An existential football comment that is open-ended and completely true and can be used with liberal regard –

        “There are a lot of teams this year searching for their identity.”

        This can be because of new management, unexpected good seasons last year and hoping for consistency this year, teams that have oscillated between good and bad seasons and are hoping they are on positive side this year, but it is easily possible they are not, and general lack of leadership in a lot of teams locker rooms.

        And if you feel bold and throw out a team name like let’s say the New York Jets, and the person counters “they have an identity: _________ “. You should thoughtfully nod and fire a counter attack of a skeptical “Yeah… but they need to prove it this year for it to be true.” Something along that lines.

      • Amy D said

        I used to be a game tester for Nintendo, and played a Pokeman game for months straight. It was amusing, and slightly pathetic, to know that I could crush every little kid out there in a battle.

      • kt said

        WTF HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GAME TESTER!?! I WANT THAT JOB!!!!!

      • Amy D said

        The job sounds better than it is. Testing the same game for 8 – 10 hours a day for months on end is beyond boring. Of course there were plenty of times that a slurpee wasn’t what was in the big gulp cup, so that was that.

        I think that the only place you can test for Nintendo is in Redmond, WA – that is where the North American corporate offices are.

  5. MLF said

    oh and I forgot: “He might break Dan Marino’s 1984 record for pass yards in a season.”

    WHATTTT?????? shame on you dawgz!! FOR SHAME! As you yourself are a Dolphins fan, I am pretty sure you need to say like ten hail marry’s or God will strike you down for suggesting such a thing.

    • kt said

      My Reading teacher in 6th and 7th grade had a cardboard cutout of Dan Marino behind her desk and occasionally she would kiss it. Her husband was my Economics teacher in high school and everyone gave him all kinds of shit for it.

  6. I read the entire thing strictly because you included the puppy pictures. Well played, Jordan. Though unlike some of the other craftier common taters, I won’t be using your factoids to woo the opposite sex. That would require effort on my part to actually understand and remember what you said… and that’s asking a lot. Plus I have no intention of keeping that charade going. It’s best that this theoretical boy know right off the bat that he’s free to spend his Sunday’s drinking beer and watching football with his buddies while I watch iCarly and cartoons. We all have our vices, I just happen to share mine with 12 year olds.

    • MLF said

      you’re in good company – Jason Segel said iCarly is his favorite show.

    • kt said

      iCarly is all kinds of win.

      A couple of weeks ago I read a blind item about an television kid star whose much older co-star got her pregnant. Everyone in the comments was saying it was Miranda Crosgrove and Jerry Trainor. I really really really hope its not true.

  7. cledbo said

    I enjoyed your post despite it being 100% meaningless and useless to me – no self-respecting Australian male would know or care a jot about gridiron (which is what we call your ‘football’ to differentiate it from our football, aka Aussie Rules).

    This whole post and how common-taters use it to appear interesting in the eyes of the opposite sex/same-sex for butch lesbians, is what has happened to me since moving to Adelaide and listening to Nova 919. One of the morning breakfast show hosts used to play for the Adelaide Crows until he busted his knee, and they often talk footy and have current players from the two local teams call in. If not for this breakfast program, I would know specifically nil about AFL apart from the team names, except for knowing that the team I go for (the Richmond Tigers) suck, and bought Ben Cousins *after* he admitted to being a drug addict. Le sigh.

    Anyway, sounding like I know something about football, or rugby (League or Union), or soccer, or gridiron, really isn’t important in my life. Knowing something about CRICKET is also not important, but I do as I prefer going to cricket games because they happen in summer, like all good sports should. Except baseball, which is so boring I wanted to poke my eyes out whenever it came on TV whilst I lived in Japan.

    Baseball sucks.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Well, to you and to anyone else who may or may not be reading this post again before I post tomorrow…

      Questions?

      • MLF said

        Vajazzling- yes or no?

        if a man says something in a forest and a women doesn’t hear him, is he still wrong?

        should I order chinese food?

        that’s honestly all I’ve got.

      • MLF said

        OOOOH I LIED

        I had to give a report on this and I’m pretty sure I already know what your answer will be, but with the Tenth Ammendment in mind, do you feel the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act is constitutional?

        and you have to answer this from a completely non political perspective.

        you may however include pictures of Nancy Pelosi wanting it. That one “politics can be sexy” picture still has me laughing six months later.

      • susanelle said

        Late-breaking question: Are you Team Pie or Team Cake, and why?

        I apologize in advance if this causes a bitter pie vs. cake battle in the comments.

        No, you can’t be both ::rolls eyes::

      • kt said

        Ooooh. Team Cake or Pie is excellent question. I don’t know why I never thought about asking it before. But what about the paradox of the CHERPUMPLE

      • susanelle said

        THIS. THIS EXACTLY!!

    • susanelle said

      Aw, I can’t believe the baseball hate on this blog. Some of it I think is due to deep personal disappointment, but to those of you who say baseball’s boring, I say, “Yeah, 95 per cent of the time, but there is a 5 per cent silver lining of the weirdest, most bizarre plays and weirdnesses that you will ever see in sports.” You never see shit like you see in baseball in other sports. Compare any baseball highlights reel with any other sport’s highlight reel and tell me it ain’t so.

  8. cledbo said

    Give me one good reason to get out of bed any day next week, whilst I am on holiday but not actually leaving my house.

    I believe the fashionable term is ‘staycation’. I call it ‘too broke and lazy to leave my postcode’.

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