Proust via Lipton via KSWI Jordan onto You…

September 16, 2010

… All over your damn face. That’s right. A creamy literary cocktail featuring yours truly answering the troubling timeless and, of course, let’s just say sexy questions from Marcel Proust that were then dolled up like the whores they are by James Lipton. What I’m referring to in plain terms are the Inside the Actors Studio final 10 questions that James Lipton asks the featured guest.

The origin story of these questions starts where all great stories start: playing with radioactive material. Actually, it starts in France with French (shocking) writer Marcel Proust. Here is the definitive excerpt from the Lord Almighty Wikipedia:

At the end of the nineteenth century, when Proust was still in his teens, he answered a questionnaire in an English-language confession album belonging to his friend Antoinette, daughter of future French President Félix Faure, entitled “An Album to Record Thoughts, Feelings, etc.” At that time, it was a fad among English families to answer such a list of questions that revealed the tastes and aspirations of the taker.

How fucking lame were the English? White people! Only white people would sit around gayly (whichever definition you wish) scribbling in confession books. You know the word “tittering” was made for this bullshit period of existence. Those lame thin-blooded British royals tittering with their diaries meanwhile here in AMERICA we are creating industry and conquering the West. We were making heroes on the wild plains of history and they were flicking their creative brain nipples doodling in notepads.

So today, I will do the same. I will answer the questions! I have the power! I will flick my brain nipples! I will continue writing with exclamation point marks and read them in my head in the grand voice of Dolph Lundgren as He-Man in Masters of the Universe! Which by the way is a great movie – don’t let the haters tell you otherwise. Masters of the Universe is easily better than Highlander. Easily!

1. What is your favorite word?

Free.

One can take that philosophically and the word “free” as in “freedom”. Free to choose. Free to exist. Free of pain. Free of suffering. Free to live the way one wants to. Free of responsibility. Free of restraints. Free like breathing in a cool wind.

Also, free as in “this ice cream is free”. That might be even better. Free TV. Free clothes. Free shoes. Free car. Free sandwich. Free beer. Free.

2. What is your least favorite word?

This is tough because I love the word itself, but I hate saying it – cookies. I am so conflicted with the word “cookies”. I feel so childish and immature every time I say “cookies”, but at the same time whenever I do say it it is usually met with me actually receiving “cookies” and that is the greatest thing ever. It’s like being tazored and then getting a lap dance from Salma Hayek. I mean the tazoring would suck, but the lap dance would be amazing. It is fucking with my brain!

3. What turns you on?

Too much. Boobs and butts, sure. Sexy ladies, sure. Side tie bikini bottoms, sure. Chicks in athletic shorts and a tank-top, sure. A new Radiohead album this year, sure. The Coen Brothers True Grit remake, sure. Going to Best Buy and purchasing an X-Box 360 and a copy of Left 4 Dead 2, sure.

4. What turns you off?

The impoverished people of Africa. Truthfully, they do. There is always that idea that guys masturbate in the shower. There is that memorable scene in American Beauty where Kevin Spacey is doing such. But I’m just not into it because the entire time I’m in there I’m just thinking about the poor people of Africa and I’m just killing time in this shower wasting all this clean water. You know that weird dimensional space tunnel that if you don’t eat everything on your plate then that somehow robs food from the poor in Africa? Well, that also happens with wasting clean water. It makes it very difficult to keep thinking sexy thoughts when you are destroying an entire year’s worth of usable water for those sad faces.

Also, my computer doesn’t have a water shield on it to protect it from getting wet in the shower, so what’s the point?

5. What sound or noise do you love?

The first 10 seconds of this…

6. What sound or noise do you hate?

Whispering. I hate people whispering. They think you can’t hear them, but you can hear them. Usually, you can hear them so well you can hear every damn thing they are saying. Most of the time, you get a few words, but you get all of the psch wsch ysch scsch psch noise that people some how create and communicate with. Just talk normally! I swear even if you are whispering something bad about me, it is more annoying to me that you are whispering than whatever you are saying about me. I’d rather for the person just say, “We’re going to openly discuss you being an asshole” instead of sitting there whispering to each other about it and thinking I don’t know what is going on. Psch wsch ysch it’s what I imagine a goldfish language would sound like.

7. What is your favorite curse word?

Fuck. It’s fucking versatility is key. Fuck, fucks, fucked, fucking, fucker, fuckily, fuckinition, and so on. Motherfucker is a beautiful word. Beautiful like a waterfall. It flows out of your mouth hole with such purpose and wonder. Motherfucker. It’s like vomiting gold.

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Ines Sainz pants fitter. I’m pretty sure that job exists because what is going on with those pants must need a professional to accomplish. I’m sure you all have read about Ines Sainz the TV Azteca sports reporter and her claims of sexual harassment from New York Jets coaches/players. I haven’t read anything that says the actual comments from players and the only thing with detail I’ve read about it says they threw footballs near her at practice and she thought it was obvious they were all talking about her in the locker room. Whatever. I don’t feel like getting into a debate about it because I think the whole thing is stupid. But my quick thoughts: I think Ines dresses very unprofessionally and I love it; I don’t think any reporters male or female should be in the locker room (there is a fucking press conference after every game, so get out of the locker room).

9. What profession would you not like to do?

At this point, a Kentucky Fried Chicken “chef”. I could never be put in charge of making the KFC “double down”. Have you seen these? They’ve been around for a year I guess and they just look evil. EVIL. E-V-I-L. They are two fried chicken patties being used as buns with two strips of bacon and two slices of cheese in the middle. A sandwich is usually meat and cheese in between bread. Bread is chosen to be sandwich holders because it is sturdy in your hand and it’s supposed to be dry to the touch. Also, the exoticness of the sandwich is not the bread. The bread is a large part of the dish, but it is there for practicality. This “double down” is impractical and I’m sure it has to take a solid year off of your life eating it. And I’m not talking about the end of your life. I’m talking about a good year of the prime of your life it robs you of. I’m not sure how I could not hate myself making a “double down” and then serving it to a human being knowing the destructive powers that it has.

So s-o g-double-o-d good. So s-o motherfucking good.

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

“And after all of your dutiful service of making the world laugh, telling of the majestic Want of Kristen Stewart and that time you saved North America from a ninja attack – you will be rewarded with Hooters Girls and beer.” That’s all. I mean is that too much to ask. I don’t need dinner with Jesus, MLK, Gandhi and Stanley Kubrick. That would just be weird.

Or Padma and Gail as my concubine chefs. I’m glad Kevin won Top Chef because he’s from JERSEY!

Questions for Friday.

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5 Responses to “Proust via Lipton via KSWI Jordan onto You…”

  1. tiffanized said

    It sounds like the English were doing MySpace surveys a hundred or so years before MySpace. It really is something white people do. When you do these I feel compelled to answer all of the questions myself. I will refrain, partially because I don’t think anyone cares but mostly because I’m a lazy bitch.

    Do you think it’s possible that Ines Sainz heard “psch wsch ysch scsch psch” in the Jets locker room and assumed they were talking about her? You can certainly understand her annoyance, then.

  2. I totally used to answer those obnoxious surveys that got emailed around (via my Juno email account no less. Word.) back in like 1998. I thought I was hilarious. There were a few weird ones I distinctly remember that would go from something like “What’s your favorite song?” to “What are your thoughts on abortion?” That’s some heavy shit to be emailing to your fellow 14 year old friend, AmberGirl69 (real screenname of real friend, fyi).

    I don’t care for women sportscasters.

    • tiffanized said

      I don’t care for sportscasters in general, but it’s the weather guys that really piss me off. Their inflection makes me crazy. May be on my list of least favorite noises, as a matter of fact.

  3. Amy D said

    Friday question – You haven’t spoken about the upcoming Ben Affleck movie ‘The Town’, is this something you will be going to see this weekend?

    Also, how is the job search going? Are you looking or still just enjoying time to do whatever you want? I hate my job and have been looking for something else for months; the job market here is not so great unless you have a degree in electrical engineering at the moment.

  4. A Friday question that hopefully isn’t too late…

    Snooki Charges $20,000 to Walk a Red Carpet

    Aside from whatever reaction you may have to the insanity that is all of the money these people are making for being idiots (that I love regardless), do you agree/disagree with Gov. Christie that the show is bad for the glorious state of New Jersey?

    If this question is boring or stupid, you have my permission to ignore it. I just thought the article was too good not to share.

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