This Week In Kristen Stewart #JENKS

September 24, 2010

This post is a little later than usual, like anyone is really even bothering to keep that fire to my feet, because I’m on ON THE ROAD. Not the set for On the Road, but I’m on the road in life. Not in my usual location, I have an inability to read clocks or care to look at them when I’m trying to lay perfectly still on a twin mattress which at this point I have “evolved” past the requisite size for.

Anyone why am I out on the road?

That ties into the one question that was asked of me this week, which was an Australian “What the hell are you up to?”

Well, me lady (which is how they talk to each other down there)(and by down there I did not mean when they are face to crotch with each others’ crotches)(I meant when they are just talking to each other in general in Australia)(but now that I think of it, I could see some saying that to each others’ crotches – me lady), I am actually in the middle of filming a weekly documentary half hour series where I inject myself into a random strangers life for apparently no reason at all and then I leave a lasting impression on that person in the form of, “remember when that white dude creeped around us for like a week and then left?”


I really hope there isn’t an MTV show with the exact same idea of that because we are going to start pitching the show to that specific network in a “put all your documentary eggs in one basket” approach.

So far, we have filmed several episodes:

1. Rapper – I spend a week with a rapper. The rapper I chose or should I say the cosmos chose us because we were instantly soulmates is 2 Pistols.

Clearly, he is a masterful Mozart musician et al, but the real key to our bromance was that we just share so many philosophical beliefs. For instance, 2 Pistols loves carrying two pistols so much that they call him 2 Pistols. They don’t call him 2 Pistols because he doesn’t carry two pistols. And they don’t call him 2 Pistols because he only carries one pistol. No the man always has two pistols on him! He uses those pistols to do everything. Shoot off a top of a soda bottle, open a bag of chips with a bullet, put mustard on your hotdog with some bullets. It was like the episode of The Simpsons when Homer is handling all his daily chores with a gun or that movie Shoot ‘Em Up with Clive Owen.

2. Autistic kid – I heard that there was some show that was interviewing one autistic kid. I was like FUCK THAT. ONE? One autistic kid? Have you seen the statistics out there? There are boatloads of autistic kids. I mean they are not actually on boats because I’m completely certain taking that many autistic kids or people in general and rounding them up and forcing them on a boat to just measure the size of them would be a problematic scenario. Nevertheless, me and my camera crew, aka The Omega Posse 5000, thought that it is lame just running around with one autistic kid when there are so many of them out there. Use this natural resource to its fullest, right?

We shipped in busloads of autistic kids! We created this mini autistic city with me as they mayor. Initially, then the kids formed a revolutionary party against my administration and overthrew my governmental system in a well orchestrated coup. After that, we had a big squirt gun fight with bubbles and 2 Pistols showed up. For that day, he was referred to as 2 Water Pistols. It was a great time.

Before we let the kids leave, we did make sure to check each one for any super human abilities like counting spilled boxes of tooth picks. If I’ve learned anything from movies it is that if you find a person who can count tooth picks, autistic or not, then they can win you millions of dollars at a casino. I mean the kids were right there anyway. Why not see if they can count tooth picks?

3. Homeless – For a week we followed around some homeless dude. And not some homeless person who is lucid and young. We followed around one of those guys who usually lurks around popular late-night hang outs that college kids frequent and is somehow more drunk than the college kids and he’ll dance or eat something for a dollar. It was sad. I mean I ate so many weird things for a dollar that week and I definitely didn’t need to. Also, the homeless guy attacked and bit me a dozen times, so to be on the safe side I got a tetanus shot and a rabies shot everyday. I know that a tetanus shot will last you a decade, but you should’ve seen this guy. There was a chance he had “super tetanus” and I needed more than the regular dose to counteract. As far as the rabies vaccine, I just like how it makes my body tingle.

4. Fighter – I followed around a professional fighter during the lead up to his next fight. For us, we chose retired boxer Lennox Lewis. That was great times! You know what is great about training with a retired boxer? He doesn’t train! Oh man, all we did was eat and get piss drunk at fancy places in London. Whew! I loved it. When is Lennox Lewis’ next fight? Probably never because why would he want to risk getting punched in the face again when he can just talk about other people getting punched in the face and then in between doing that he can flirt with models and get drunk.

It was really an eye-opening experience for all of us. If I believed in “re-incarnation” then I would want to come back in my next life as a wildly successful professional athlete once he has retired early from the sport with all his money and brains left intact. I’m just saying if some of you hippie freaks could get that to work for me then that would be great.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Thanks for reading.

8 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart #JENKS”

  1. susanelle said

    I do notice when the blog post is late or never shows up at all. Mainly because you were so precisely on time for so many months. That was your mistake.

    So now you’re like a boyfriend who is thinking about breaking up with his long-term girlfriend. You’re starting to “forget” to hold the door for her and instead of calling her three times a day it’s down to two.

  2. Hmmm… you’re kind of funny.

    I watched two of those Jenks shows last night after I finished watching the Jersey Shore [for the second time]. The rapper one and the “houseless” person one. I have a hard time deciding whether people like Jenks are incredibly inspirational people or just out of their damn minds and asking to get murdered. Maybe both. I could never be like that, which means I’m a terrible person. I’m ok with it… I give to charities and things.

    Maybe you should rethink the title. World of Jizzle sounds…sticky.

    • MLF said

      wait a second…..I am confused now. I was thinking throughout the post that there is no way jordan would do this but maybe he is planning to? I was like well maybe they are in preparation to do this or maybe I don’t know him at all and he really did do this? but now I am feeling like this was on tv last night and he is just summarizing it in a humorous way as he is often inclined to do. if only I had cable I could know for sure, le sigh.

      • This sounds like the Catfish debate all over again – real or not real?

        The show premise and topics are real. It’s called World of Jenks. In this, Jordan just put his own Jizzle spin on it.* Water pistols was most definitely not on MTV. That’s fresh from our fearless leader’s brain.

  3. MLF said

    omg…the two water pistols part was the best. Sooo fucking good. even if you didn’t come up with it. In fact if that was on TV last night and then I hope that part was included as well. idk.

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