This Ain’t Your Momma’s Delivery Food

October 5, 2010

Let’s time travel for a moment. Let’s really waste this time traveling device we have at our disposal. Let’s not use it to invest in Microsoft or Google or oil or to stop ourselves from peeing in that alley way, which a cop followed us down and arrested us for peeing in public. Let’s not right any wrongs and instead just use this time machine for the purpose of this post – let’s go back to Sunday night when I was planning on ordering food for dinner.

I was hungry and not hungry enough to eat just about anything, but I wanted someone else to cook for me and bring that food to me, so I could keep my sweat pants on and not need to take a shower. Actually, a couple of the KSWI tweeter readers had a hand in this post. I asked the public the desperate question my stomach was asking:

“Southern food or Chinese food?”

I received a unanimous two votes for Southern food, which was then promptly ordered. It was buttermilk fried chicken, mac & cheese and cornbread. Anyway, the point is… it was delicious by the way. Anyway, the point is, I use an internet web-based service on the world wide web through my wireless ethernet hooked up to my laptop computer made by Apple and this site is called “Grubhub.com

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Grubhub and I have been friends for a little while. I regularly order Chinese food through their website and clearly I order other food like this Southern Soul Food. The website is nice and allows me the option of not interacting with any human beings or the least amount of human beings as possible. It also has all the menus, descriptions of the choices and you can throw in little notes like “well done, please” or “only a little mayo” or “throw some d’s on it!” or “don’t molest my food in anyway”.

I ordered my chicken, macaroni and leaven bread and upon the orders completion you are greeted with a cartoon illustration that details the next steps in this food getting in my belly process. At first glance, it seems cute…

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But at second glance I am ambushed by questions and concerns I have about my relationship with Grubhub.

Is that guy naked?

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What the fuck!?!

He is naked! Why is he naked? Isn’t that supposed to be me?

Am I supposed to be naked?

Am I supposed to be nekkid!?!

Let’s start this process from the beginning. Maybe there are answers.

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Actually, there are now more questions. Why is Grubhub using a Revolutionary War style cannon to shoot my order at the restaurant? Maybe they could just forward my order via email. That’s just a suggestion. Take that one for free Grubhub. But who am I to complain? This service has worked a dozen times for me already. Maybe the cannon is a perfectly acceptable means of transportation for orders for Grubhub to the ominous red house “Restaurant”. I was ordering from “Soul Food” not General Mao’s McDonald’s, am I right?

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My food is then prepared by a stereotypical Italian chef, “that’s uh spicy meat-uh ball-eh”, and is picked by long arm Louis and his delivery mobile. This seems fine. I really don’t have any complaints here… besides the RACISM! I mean why does the chef got to be white? Or the driver? Why is he white? Are we saying we can’t even trust our dark brothers to drive an order of fried chicken to my apartment without eating it? Is that what you are saying Grubhub? Oh they wouldn’t be able to handle the temptation and just eat all of my delicious fried chicken before they got to my apartment? Unbelievable.

Also, no women chefs? Is this a glass ceiling company and the women are not allowed in the kitchen? That actually doesn’t make much sense. I was under the impression misogynists thought women should only be in the kitchen. Either way, they are not hiring women I see. Can’t trust a woman to drive properly to get to my apartment without crashing her car while she is putting her make-up on in the mirror? Just ridiculous Grubhub.

I cannot say for certain that neither of these men are Hispanic. I have seen a lot of Hispanic men with mustaches. That chef could be of the Latin variety. The driver? Not sure. I don’t know too many ginger faced Hispanics. But we know for certain these men are not Asian because of Grubhub’s utterly racist depiction of big Western eyes. Jeez, Grubhub! Who haven’t you offended with this picture? My eyes are not that big!

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Yep. That’s me naked.

Is there anyway this guy is not naked? And by “this guy” I mean the depiction of me waiting naked on the couch for my ginger faced Grubhub delivery driver. Tip? Yeah, I’ll give you a tip. Just sit on my couch for a minute and we’ll start talking about the tip. With my legs crossed you can’t see much of the tip, but once you get closer you’ll get an eyeful of tip.

I have a lot of concerns with this image. A lot!

Is this how Grubhub expects I go about my daily life with or without Grubhub? Or is this specifically for Grubhub? I wonder, if they believe I’m such a lazy do-nothing because I am not cooking for myself that I do not even get the motivation to be clothed at home. I just prance around naked because I’m that lazy. My nakedness is not for Grubhub, but is more an added bonus for the lucky ginger driver. That or Grubhub believes that once I complete the order for my food that I strip to the birthday suit and wait around with an ear-to-ear smile for my delivery driver and yell “the door is open!” when he rings the bell and I invite him in to “ring my bell” if he has the time.

Is this what other people are doing? So much so, that they depicted it in a cartoon on the website with a step-by-step process for me to participate in correctly? I don’t get it. Is this just happening so much, people getting delivery naked, or are they trying to get me naked? Does Grubhub want me naked when they deliver my food? A little monkey see, monkey do action. It puts the thought into my head. Like I was thinking of waiting for my food fully clothed like I am now, but now I see this naked cartoon depiction of myself waiting for the food and he looks more than happy to be naked on the couch waiting for the food, so maybe I should do that.

I have two more ideas. The first being, this is post me eating. Maybe Grubhub is suggesting I ordered my food, they shoot it from a cannon, The Mario Bros. gave it to little Conan O’Brien and I paid for it and ate it with clothes on, but the food was so fucking good that I then had to strip myself naked and sit on the couch cross legged (for modesty’s sake) and just let the feeling of fullness wash over me. There is that idea.

The last idea: the cartoonist for Grubhub is a creep and no one noticed that the guy was naked.

Either way, I’m still going to use their service. GRUBHUB! And I may be naked next time just to see what happens. They suggested it.

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18 Responses to “This Ain’t Your Momma’s Delivery Food”

  1. Lala said

    Before I read anything I saw the illustration and thought you had made it, because the first thing I noticed was the naked guy. I definitely thought you had changed the cartoon or something.

  2. susanelle said

    When I first saw the cartoon of the naked guy on the couch, before I even read your paranoid take on it, it really strongly reminded me of the video of Dawgz singing the theme from the Treme. Check it! His arms and legs are in the same position on the couch and he has the same smile!

    But I now understand that you were taking this cartoon personally. You should not! If they were thinking of you specifically, they would have drawn stink lines around the naked guy, because you haven’t had a shower yet.

    So relax — you are still under the Grubhub radar

  3. He is definitely naked. The other characters are clearly and actively wearing clothes and he is not. You could maybe make an argument that he’s wearing underwear, we just can’t see it from this angle. But that’s still not appropriate. You should always be clothed for the delivery guy. Unless you’re in a porn, then clothing is negotiable.

    Good post.

  4. MLF said

    are people not normally naked when they are at home? is it just me that does not wear clothes when I am sitting around in my house by myself? I mean what is the point of wearing clothes if you are literally sitting around at home doing nothing and you are alone? especially if you smell? Firstly- I can’t understand sitting around smelling bad. I personally would be utterly compelled to shower so that I didn’t smell but I’ll leave that alone- anyways- if I smell bad, why would I want to wear clothing? That means eventually I will have to wash not only myself but now my clothing as well. and before you ask- yes I will have to wash the clothes eventually anyway but I can get probably a good five or six wears out of something depending on what I was doing while wearing it but if I smell I definitely will not be able to wear it again. sooo…what is the point of clothing in your own home? to not offend yourself when you walk by the mirror? I personally think grubhub has it right and correctly assumes people should not bother with clothes if they are home alone.

  5. kristenstewartwantsit said

    Where is everyone getting this idea that I smell? Did I write that I smelled? I wrote that I didn’t shower, but that doesn’t mean I smelled bad.

    I don’t smell bad.

    • MLF said

      uhhh…I personally assumed that because you said if you stayed in you wouldn’t need to take a shower. which led me to believe that if you wanted to go out and interact with humans you would, and because I know you are not an outside working type person and assumed you would not need to shower from being physically dirty from dirt or mud covering you, I figured it was because of personal hygiene that you would need to shower if you wanted to go out.

      that was how my brain worked.

      but I’m glad for the people around you and dawgz that you don’t smell.

    • susanelle said

      The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

  6. kristenstewartwantsit said

    It is apart of the ritual of going out — at least for me.

  7. Jupe said

    This Rules.

    My boyfriend and I just ordered from Grubhub and were very disturbed by the naked guy.

    We weren’t sure if he was supposed to get naked and sit on the couch and then I could answer the door when the food comes or what. Since there isn’t a girl in the illustration for me to properly model after, it was a bit confusing. Maybe they don’t think anyone who orders from grubhub has a girlfriend? 😉

  8. Luke Whyte said

    I found this post after typing “is that guy naked on grubhub?” into google.

    Then I LOL’d the shit out of my bedroom.

  9. Heather said

    THANK YOU!!! This has weirded me out since I first saw it. In fact, I only found this blog post because I thought to myself “I cannot possibly be the only person who thinks this is creepy. What happens when I google ‘grubhub naked couch’?”

    • Lala said

      “What happens when I google ‘grubhub naked couch’?”
      Pretty much anything weird you google, you’ll end up here with lots of people giving their opinions about it.

  10. Bruce said

    Yes the grubhub naked guy is freaking me out too but I found a great solution – I order from Eat24Hours.com – much easier and faster and no freaking naked cartoons.

  11. lovegoodfoodusa said

    @Bruce – hilarious. Thanks for the recommendation – I love eat24! I was in real need for a stress free online service 🙂

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