Guest Post By Me Which Isn’t Much Of A Guest Post

October 6, 2010

If anyone wants to guest post – email me at jordankswi@gmail.com . I bite.

Guest post day with no guest poster. <sarcasm>This Wednesday guest post idea has taken off like gangbusters just like the Friday’s questions</sarcasm>. I have spent my morning praying I won’t get another parking ticket, which I continue to do. I also have been watching clips of “The Prime Minister’s Questions” on Youtube and I watched Sunday’s Boardwalk Empire.

Tony Blair was on David Letterman last night and good ole’ Dave brought up “The Prime Minister’s Questions”. If you do not know what I’m referring to then I highly suggest you look it up and if you do know what I’m talking about them it is great fun to watch it again and again for the hell of it. I think every Wednesday at noon (which is rapidly approaching in my life), the British Parliament meets and has an informal discussion where they can ask questions to the Prime Minister about whatever the hell they feel like. More than anything – it is theater… political theater, but more so theater. It is a lot of shouting and trash talking in British accents. Imagine the stuffiest white people you could find, put them in a room, and made them battle rap about UK politics.

Letterman said that he really enjoyed “The Prime Minister’s Questions” and Blair responded sure as long as you weren’t apart of them. He also said that until this day 3 minutes to 12 on Wednesday he gets chills on the back of his neck remembering that anticipation before another session was about to start.

As for Boardwalk Empire – am I the only person watching this show? I get the feeling sometimes when I watch certain television shows that I may be the only person actually sitting down to ingest them. That is very solipsistic of me, but I never see people talking about this show. Probably for good reason. I really don’t like the show. I’m giving it time just in case it gets better. There are a lot of actors on the show I like and the people who make the show are quite famous, so maybe it will get better.

As of right now, I couldn’t care less if any of the characters die. Well that’s not entirely true. I would care greatly if Paz de la Huerta’s character died because about the only thing to look forward to every episode has been her getting ass naked. Every episode so far there has been a minor scene worked in where Paz gets completely naked. I think there may have been episode where she got naked twice. Either way, that is about the only thing worth tuning in for at this point in the show.

I don’t care what happens to these characters: Steve Buscemi’s, Michael Pitt’s, Michael Shannon’s, the Polish booze maker who changed his name, any of the New York mob guys, any of the cops, Steve Buscemi’s character’s brother, the new booze makers who are headed by Omar from The Wire, Al Capone, Michael Pitt’s wife or kid, any minor character, and let’s just say any person who as appeared on the show at all. They haven’t sold me on one character yet. What’s the point? Who cares if Nucky Thompson wins or loses in Atlantic City? They haven’t established why I should care if he succeeds as a mobster or not.

The show credits Terence Winter and Martin Scorsese as the creators or the brains behind the show. I’m not sure how much Scorsese has to play in making this show, probably as much as Mark Wahlberg does because they’re both listed as producers. But Terence Winter is from The Sopranos and this is supposed to be his break out show like Mad Men was for Matthew Weiner. But Winter has not made a compelling argument in these few episodes as why I should root for his protagonist besides him being the protagonist. Tony Soprano originally was a man with a wife and two ball busting kids who was trying to make it in the suburbs of New Jersey with an interesting job. There was a reality and surreality about the show and they made Tony charismatic in both areas. He was a guy working his way up in the family business, dealing with his crazy mother, dealing with his shitty kids, his marriage, neighbors, co-workers and he was dealing with cops, murdering people and getting murdered. Boardwalk Empire doesn’t have that.

Right now, about the most interesting storyline is Kelly Gallagher as the recently single mother of two small kids who has now been given a job as a “dresser” at a French boutique on the boardwalk. And if that is the best storyline they got on a television show about gangsters during prohibition in Atlantic City… then what the fuck am I watching?

And I’m hoping I have not posted this before, but I can’t remember…

Anyway… for my “guest post” – I thought I would put up an article I wrote for a website that wasn’t published. I wrote this about 14 months ago after I went to see a UFC fight in Philadelphia where the co-main event was Anderson Silva vs. Forrest Griffin. I was asked to write a first person narrative about the fights as if Raymond Chandler wrote it. In the end, they didn’t use it and I was thinking about it yesterday, so here it is today……….

———–

The cynicism of the press row hung in the air like my grandfather’s cigar smoke but now it had been sucked out like a vacuum cleaner switched to “pretentious”. We were all on our feet with the rest of the drunken jackalopes who spent their hard earned money to watch this blood sport. An endless sea of $100 muscle tees and enough hair gel to fill the crack in the Liberty Bell laid an expensive path for my eyes to walk on to the octagon. The co-main event was about to begin.

Pounding his chest and snorting hard, Forrest looked like a wild baboon and as hairy as one. Anderson like a gallant Maasai warrior, his fists and knees for a spear and shield. The dame next to me cooed in my ear earlier she was rooting for Griffin. Seeing the two titans in 4 oz gloves about to pummel each other as if they were fighting over a spot on her dance card she looked worried. I thought to myself she should be. I had my money on Anderson and I was grinning sadistically from ear to ear. I was showing more teeth than a pack of hyenas around wounded prey.

It began slowly. Nothing more than a dance at first. One minute went by and the crowd grew anxious like big betters with little loot watching the roulette wheel turn. They wanted action. Forrest was throwing feeler jabs like testing the ocean water with your toes and Anderson was lurking underneath like the mouth of a great white shark ready to swallow him whole. A lazy leg kick and Anderson snatches it like a venus fly trap. Silva swings hard looking to decapitate him but Forrest ducks and gets off with little more than a buzz cut and a healthy respect for his opponent’s speed. I thought this isn’t going to end well.

Another minute gone mostly filled with Forrest holding onto the blue Bud Light oval like a stubborn dog with his favorite bone. Anderson was a poised cobra shadowing Forrest every step of the way. We were watching a lit fuse; it was just a question when the bomb would explode. Silva goes for it, charges forward and fires off two punches. Forrest is on his bike and he tries to back peddle to safety but Silva catches him with a loopy right hook that T-bones him bad like a truck blowing a stop sign. Welcome to the watershed. You’re out of your league kid and there is no turning back.

Forrest gets back to his feet and is clipped with another heat seeking missile. He shakes his head trying to wake from this bad dream but Silva is a real nightmare and he smells blood. Anderson is showing his fangs. He eggs on Forrest to come at him so he can end this fight even sooner. I wonder if Anderson has something else on his schedule. Maybe a real opponent. Maybe he knows the bars close at 2 and he is thirsty for more than a knockout.

It doesn’t take long for him to drop Forrest again. Forrest in slow motion paws at Anderson’s elusive head and then Anderson pops Forrest with a straight left for his troubles. Griffin hits the canvas which should be a familiar feeling. I hear a whimper escape the pouty pink lips of Forrest’s number one fan. Griffin is nearly helpless on his back with Anderson fixed over top of him his right hand the executioner’s blade. “You wanna switch sides and join the winning team?” I snarl at her. I don’t need to look, her eyes are big like headlights and her jaw is clenched like a vice grip. She’s about to watch a hero die.

Anderson lets Forrest up, he wants one for the highlight reel. Forrest gets another chance on the feet to turn this sinking ship around. You can see it in his eyes he knows he is fighting on borrowed time. This is Forrest’s last stand. This is his “Alamo” and it doesn’t go much better. Forrest reaches for one more combo and Anderson hits him on the way in with a right that puts him to sleep faster than a bedtime story. Anderson didn’t put all of his power into it he didn’t need to. It was right on the sweet spot like a Ted Williams homerun. Just knuckles on chin.

The city of Philadelphia erupts into howls like banshees for their Brazilian knockout king. I turn to see the beauty in seat 16 and her big pretty blues are filled up with tears looking back at me. Over all the noise I swear I could hear her heart breaking.

I hope I haven’t posted that before because it will just seem self-centered if I have. Eh, there’s worse you can think.

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5 Responses to “Guest Post By Me Which Isn’t Much Of A Guest Post”

  1. kt said

    I agree about Boardwalk Empire completely. I keep watching it thinking they are just getting us settled into the characters and something awesome is gonna happen soon, but I’m not so sure. It was the most watched premiere of any HBO show and was renewed for a second season after the first episode, which was incidentally directed by Martin Scorsese. For all that, no one talks about it. I mean I read an article on Gawker the day after it premiered, but that’s it. I’m pretty sure everyone is just waiting for something to actually happen.

  2. guido said

    this guy hates Italians. have a gabbagool and provolone hero on me. I bet you’ll love it.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Knock knock! Who the fuck is banging at my door? Is it abstract, commercial or hardcore? Better know what they looking for. They don’t want more.

  3. I feel like SNL (back when it was watchable) parodied these PM Questions once upon a time. I remember Will Ferrell shouting something about Tinky Winky and other Teletubbies… So, sure, I guess I know what you’re referring to. I’m so smart and informed and stuff.

    You haven’t posted that article before that I can remember if it makes you feel better. But I’m the one with the shitty memory, so take that with a grain of salt. So we won’t think you’re self-centered, but I wish you luck in still convincing all these broads that you don’t smell.

  4. susanelle said

    How can you not know whether you’ve posted something? I’m not saying you have to have a good memory… all’s you’d have to do is do a search on your blog for an unusual word, like “jackalope” or “Maasai,” and the results would show you pretty quickly if you have or have not ever run this piece, because I don’t think I’ve seen you use either of those words a lot.

    Maybe in 15 years a search on “jackalope” on KSWI will turn up 100 results, too many to read through quickly, but by then, we, the commentators, will be wanting to see Golden Oldies, Klassic KSWIJ, Blasts From the Past, once in a while, anyway.

    My point is, you apologized at least twice for the possibility that you may have already run this piece…. which is pretty fucking passive-aggressive for a guy who likes to watch fights and channel Raymond Chandler, both of which activities are aggressive-aggressive.

    Why so passive-aggressive, Stinky?

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