These Girls Would Have Had Their Way With Ellen Page

October 11, 2010

It’s time to take a trip in the way back machine. Not too far back, but back enough that it is backity back. The way back machine is taking us to a time before the New York Giants Gmen defense made a fool of the Houston Texans offense and their star running back Arian “Master Race” Foster. Way back before Carson Palmer started playing for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and throwing them gaining winning interceptions. Before Peggy Olsen wore another form fitting dress on Mad Men making me question whether or not Elisabeth Moss becoming the new sex symbol on this season has anything to do with her recent public break-up with not all that funny Fred Armisen. Way back before Fred Armisen et al had a second straight unfunny SNL episode – Saturday Night Live is supposed to be funny, right? It is not a science experiment to see how long will it take for NBC to cancel the show? Way back before Nick Diaz put on a 5 round slug fest with KJ Noons and his hair.

Let’s talk about Saturday.

As many of these Monday posts seem to be, my weekend focused around Saturday. All my “activities” were on Saturday, but sitting around a TV and watching football on Sunday is pretty close to a perfect Sunday for me. Sure it could be better. Sure the greatest vanilla ice cream in the world could be made into a more alluring dessert with hot fudge or sprinkles or peanut butter chips or a dusting of another topping, but the vanilla ice cream itself is still the greatest vanilla ice cream in the world. The toppings are not altering its molecular structure of making it a better vanilla – it is just a better dessert. Anyway, Sundays are meant for watching football like God and Jesus sang in the Bible (Holy Ghost on the harpsichord), but sharing that football Sunday drinking mimosas with Chuck Klosterman and the current roster of Victoria’s Secret models would be a better dessert.

Saturday consisted of 4 distinct parts:

1. Oversleeping

Yes, I was well prepared to wake up before 1pm on Saturday, but it was not in the cards. I was planning on attending New York Comic Con and had mapped my route to the event and was all ready to go, but I didn’t. I was supposed to meet someone there, but he said he would’ve been busy. Then I looked at the schedule and nothing really caught my eye. There was going to be a show on “cosplay” which I do enjoy greatly as a spectator sport, but it was at 10am. There is no way I’m waking up and getting into the city to the Javitz center by 10 for the chance to talk about “cosplay”. There better have been a full on orgy of cosplayers depicting every unspeakable act one anime character could do to another anime character while several dozen anime characters also do to that together and there are bubbles.

2. It’s Kind of a Funny Story

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I did eventually get up, eat, shower, get dressed, and leave for New York City. My first call to action was an appointment with an indie film from Focus Features with a Mr. Zach Galifiankasdtuokis. Before getting there, let me just say that I loathe preparing for a day in the city. I know it is seen as perfectly reasonable for men to wear purses… *cough* *ahem*… messenger bags and has been for awhile, but I am anti this. It is just not for me. People load up that bag with a jacket, umbrella, canteen, Swiss Army knife et cetera as if they are going camping. Leaving one’s apartment and going to the city to see a movie should not be an “excursion”. It should be a normal activity. And yet, one has to prepare. I knew that I would be out late and it was fairly warm when I was leaving at 3pm – returning at 3am would be different story, so I had to wear and carry my jacket with me… with my hands! Once that sun goes down, all hell breaks loose! I envy those with their bags when it does rain and I have not packed my umbrella into the pocket of my jeans. I also envy them when a tree falls and they are right there with their hatchet helping making the first set of cuts. Or if a woman goes into labor on the subway and there they are pulling an air mattress, towels, a hot plate, a pot to boil water in, a 20 gallon jug of water, an OBGYN all come out of that bag.

The movie was fine. It was good. Not particularly good. It wasn’t bad either. There were some funny parts, although most of the good stuff is in the trailer. Zach does do a good job in a more dramatic role. But the movie is pretty skin deep when it comes to plot and conclusion. In the end, I don’t think the kid really had any “problems”. He is depressed and thinks of committing suicide, but doesn’t. And he does this after stopping Zoloft prematurely. Maybe the dick should go back on Zoloft? Well, that doesn’t matter because they admit him to the mental hospital without checking with his parents first. After hanging out at the mental hospital for 24 hours, he runs into the ONLY other TEEN in the building who just so happens to be EMMA ROBERTS.

The main character kid is smart, draws really well, can sing, is no more socially awkward than anyone else, has friends and a loving family. What a fuck up, right? And, he is in a mental hospital and runs into Emma Roberts who instantly takes a shine to him. What’s Emma’s problem? She cuts herself. She’s got a few scars on her forearm that she hides with long sleeves. She has three scars on her face that I never noticed in the trailer or in any of the clips of the movie I saw online and are on her left cheek near her jaw line. Oh yeah, what a freak show? This is why this movie is not particularly good because this kids big decision is whether or not to fall in love with Emma Roberts and the cat scratch scar on her face. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? If they wanted to make this a real choice they would have her all carved up like McNulty as Jigsaw in Punisher: War Zone.

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Emma Roberts looks beautiful as ever with these faint three lines on the side of her face. They fall in love. And on top of that, for NO reason at all there is a scene where Zoe Kravitz – thee love child of Lenny Kravitz and Lisa Bonet – throws herself at our protagonist who is not only not mentally screwed up in any way, but is actually the luckiest motherfucker ever. If you don’t know who Zoe Kravitz is then she is a hot multiracial angel.

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Again, not particularly bad, but not particularly good. If you can look past this movie as trying to have any substance to it then it is fine. But the substantive value of this movie is that a kid with little to no problems ends up with Emma Roberts because he checked himself into a mental hospital for 5 days. What a rough fucking life?

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3. ROLLER DERBY

You were not expecting that were you?

After the movie, I caught the F to 63rd and Lexington to venture inside Hunter College’s basement to watch the final season match-up for the GOTHAM GIRLS ROLLER DERBY. I had never been to a roller derby game, match, event before and was eagerly anticipating a scene out of Whip It. I had been warned prior to buy my tickets early because the event would be sold out, so I did and it was. I’m not sure how many people is a sold out show in the basement of Hunter College, but it was sold out and people were packed in there to watch two of their hometown teams do battle with two out of town teams.

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First up: The Brooklyn Bombshells vs. The Providence Pigeons

Needless to say, I was rooting for Brooklyn. But let’s pretend there was a choice in the matter. Would I really want to root for “pigeons” from Rhode Island? No. Why would I want to root for really anything from Rhode Island let alone pigeons? To any readers from Rhode Island, your state is the size of a thimble and is it even an “island”? I’m guessing it could be with rivers and such, but what a lame island. Anyway, I was rooting for Brooklyn and their Bombshells. One reason why I was there that evening was to see one Bombshell in particular who is a roommate of a friend of mine. I won’t say which one she is, but if you were there… she was one of the Bombshells who the Pigeons will have nightmares about for weeks to come.

Roller derby is rough. These girls are really hitting each other. Actually, maybe even worse is when they don’t hit each other and the one lines up to hit the other and the other moves and the first one goes flying into a wall or the bleachers. It is no joke out there with the body checks and shoulder tackles. I wrote not too long ago about how potentially dangerous roller skating for just roller skating purposes can be, now add in a series of other roller skaters trying to clobber you.

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At the first whistle (there is so much whistling in roller derby), I did not know what was going on. The only roller derby I had watched previously was the movie Whip It and I really wasn’t paying too close of attention. But the basic idea of roller derby can be grasped pretty quickly like all sports. In roller derby there are 5 girls for each team on the track at one time – so 10 girls are out there skating in a circle. Two of the ten (one from each team) are called “jammers”. Those jammers are the running backs of the roller derby team. Meanwhile the other 8 girls (4 vs. 4) are the offensive and defensive line of the team. I’m putting this in football terms thinking people will get this analogy – hopefully you do. The jammer needs to get through the pack of girls and pass each member of the opposing team. The first of the jammers to do so becomes the “lead jammer” and from then on is trying to accomplish that task over and over again. Each time the lead jammer gets through the pack and laps the opposing team she scores points.

That is the basic premise of the sport. There are substitutions and jammers are changed out and there is a penalty box and there are other rules and so on and so forth, but just as football is about putting the ball in the end zone – this is about the jammer lapping the pack and doing it first and often. So what happened between the Bombshells and the Pigeons? Again if I could use an analogy of football… it was like Superbowl XXIX between the Chargers and the 49ers where in some dimension of space and time Steve Young is still scoring touchdowns. The Bombshells scored I believe 202 points to the Pigeons scoring 20. If there was a mercy in roller derby it would have been beaten by the Bombshells because they ran wild on the girls from Providence.

Second up: Manhattan Mayhem vs. Suburban Brawl

Again, I was rooting for the home team because in all honesty I was sitting next to the parents of a rookie on the Mayhem. At first, this was much more competitive than the Bombshells game. The score was low and back and forth, but eventually the Mayhem ran away with it in the second half. The first game was played at a much higher speed and the girls were really going after each other. In this game, it didn’t get really rolling until the second half – both sides seemed hesitant at first.

These girls are all competing for the love of this game because they’re not getting paid and they are actually paying to play with travel, dues and equipment. In that regard, it really added to it that I was sitting next to parents and in a college gym because it felt more like a school sport where everyone is running on sheer enthusiasm. Also, I won’t lie – there were a lot of chicks at this event. I mean clearly all the roller derby girls were girls, but a good deal of chicks in the crowd. Although, after spending a couple hours watching girls regularly shoulder check other girls into the first row of the bleachers – I wouldn’t be surprised if hitting on any of the girls in the crowd could result in them hitting you back like with an elbow.

Nevertheless, the Mayhem won. They started to run away with it and the Brawl couldn’t stop them. I think it was 110 or so to 60 or so.

If I had any insight into roller derby that I learned from watching two games of it on Saturday – it has a lot to do with the butt.

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If you are not comfortable with using your butt then roller derby is not the sport for you. If you are not comfortable on roller skates then you really shouldn’t compete in a roller skate sport, but the butt. The butt is a key weapon in the roller derby arsenal. It is used for blocking, it is used for hitting, and it is used as a handlebar for your teammates at times. One cannot grab a hold of another player – unless that player is on your own team. One cannot elbow either. This leaves the body and with said body – the butt. The butt can be used as a hip check or the butt can be used as a bumper to hold back people from getting by. Similar to Nascar, people who are riding up from behind need to get by, but if you shadow in front of them they can’t. Besides the body, the butt can be used with great dexterity by the experienced user.

Also, when teammates are lining up together to create a diagonal wall they usually grab onto their teammates shorts/butt for stability. The butt plays a pivotal role. That and if you have a jammer with Ladainian Tomlinson on his best days juke moves doesn’t hurt either.

I suggest to all of you to find a local league and go see a game. Most of you are women, so support other women. And if you’re a dude and if watching chicks in roller skates shoulder checking each other isn’t appealing to you then we’re probably not friends.

4. Bad Decisions

After roller derby, I grabbed some drinks with friends. But after that, I was hungry. I didn’t eat dinner before roller derby because I’m a stupid head and now it was 1 am or so. I ended up spying Sbarro and that they took credit cards. I ate my last slice of Sbarro pizza on Saturday night and washed it down with a beer because they sell beer and wine there. Ugh, it was disgusting. Never again. Like 9/11 or the Holocaust – Sbarro pizza is never again!

And that was my weekend + laying around Sunday watching football, Mad Men, Bored to Death and Eastbound and Down.

You?

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11 Responses to “These Girls Would Have Had Their Way With Ellen Page”

  1. MLF said

    I like sbarro pizza but I like all kinds of seemingly disgusting things like mac n cheese with ketchup

    what I really like is that video. I love roller derby. if only I could rollerblade well enough to body slam people I would totally play. your friends gf is a total bamf.

  2. Clearly Kim Kardashian needs to get into roller derby.

    My weekend? I was in a wedding. Which is interesting to a whole lot of no one, so I won’t go on and on about it. Basically, I spent the weekend drunk in dresses, which is a win as far as I’m concerned. I would have sold my brother’s baby to be able to sleep til 1pm one day this weekend. I haven’t gotten more than 4 hours sleep a night since Wednesday. It’s starting to catch up to me… That’s what I’ll blame my (unexpected) wedding tears on — overtiredness, and not that I’m actually a typical chick after all.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      You never know, Kim might.

      Have you seen what shenanigans she has gotten up to in the past? Celebrity boxing, she went bowling this weekend, sex tapes.

      Did everyone see her naked on wwtdd.com ? Incredible. I am a huge fan of Kim Kardashian and at the same time I have spent not a second watching her show.

      I cry too at weddings… knowing I will only receive that many more sickening facebook updates about these people’s love rubbing it in my face.

      • I’ve already been tagged in 29 photos. I hope you all like seeing my stupid mug all up in your Facebook feeds. I hope strangers’ love is slightly less sickening for you.

  3. kt said

    I love roller derby. My friend and I were gonna try out for the Tampa Bay Darlins, but I realized I couldn’t roller skate and roller blades aren’t allowed. Those girls are so bad ass, I probably couldn’t hang anyways.

    My weekend wasn’t very exciting. I was watching FSU kick Miami’s ass on Saturday night when my friends called and wanted me to go out to Oktoberfest downtown, so I did. At first I was kinda scared because I get out of my car and the band that was set up in the middle of the street was playing Nickleback. I almost got back in my car and left. As is customary with the crappy town I live in 90% of the people there were over 40, 5% were rich asshole frattys from the private university in my city and the other 5% were assholes I went to high school with and have no desire to ever see ever again.

    I coped by getting drunk and laughing my ass off at girls trying to dirty dance to Radiohead’s Creep. Good times.

    Sunday I nursed my hangover by sleeping through it,then I was forced to go grocery shopping, then I spent the rest of the night crying while looking at the very bad options for housing I have when I move out.

    • MLF said

      “At first I was kinda scared because I get out of my car and the band that was set up in the middle of the street was playing Nickleback. I almost got back in my car and left.” <—that made me laugh so hard. I'm still laughing.

      your town and my town sound pretty similiar, although that may just be par for the course in FL, it's like every time I go back home I'm walking around with my head down, hood up and sunglasses on, trying to avoid detection by "friends" that I don't wanna talk to

  4. MLF said

    and can I just throw out there that I find emma roberts generally UNattractive? is that just me? I’m normally not a hater but she really doesn’t do much for me.. idk.

  5. Lala said

    This roller derby thing is a strange sport.

    I spent my weekend smoking, drinking and eating. I don’t even smoke, but I smoked so much on Saturday that I can feel the cancer spreading through my lungs.

    • kt said

      Ooooo ditto on the smoking. I don’t remember exactly how much I smoked on Saturday night but my throat hurt all day Sunday. I stopped smoking years ago, but give me a few beers and I crave a cigarette.

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