I Can’t Believe I’m Going To Talk Baseball

October 19, 2010

There is this little known and watched sport nowadays that is deep into its post season playoffs and it is called “baseball”. You may have heard of it in the news because everyone is on steroids. Who wins and loses is wildly irrelevant it would seem because we all suspect that they are using performance enhancing drugs and the game is still mildly interesting at best. Now, they tried to rid the sport of these drugs and in doing so removed all the excitement that had been existing in the sport as juiced up dinosaurs of our youth were still hitting homeruns. Now there is a cavalcade of young talent that don’t look like superstars and no one seems to care.

It doesn’t help any that baseball’s playoffs are up against the NFL. As baseball tries to hold the attention of its fans amid controversy for the past several years, football has only gotten more successful. More players are household names, more parity in the league, and just the basic game of football lends itself to be a more enjoyable game to be watched on television. Football is a sport that is about intensity. Even basketball has amped up intensity in the game without the glaring question of its legitimacy. Baseball is by-and-large a lax sport because of 162 games over those lazy Summer months. They’re the boys of Summer and their championship is almost into Winter nowadays. It is spread too thin.

Nevertheless, baseball’s first recorded game with codified rules took place about a mile from where I’m sitting and I think I should at least talk about it some. Right now, your professional baseball playoffs are between:

National League

San Francisco Giants vs. Philadelphia Phillies

Shocked? I am a little bit. The Phillies have become a powerful club in the recent recent years. Before that, there was quite a gap of success. The 90’s and much of the 2000’s were not kind to the Phillies of Philly. As for the Giants, they’re kind of the Cinderella team of this year. I know very little about the Giants and would have trouble naming more than 2 guys on the team. But this series tied 1-1 and they will be playing the third game of this series in a few hours actually. That’s another thing about baseball – there is a playoff game starting at 4pm on a Tuesday. Who the fuck is watching baseball at 4pm on a Tuesday in the second half of October? It’s chilly outside in Philly, so why are they playing this stupid sport still.

Truthfully, I’m not sure I care who wins this National league series. The Phillies won a World Series not long ago and lost another even less time ago. Do they need to go for round 3? In my opinion, it really doesn’t matter to me. The Giants haven’t been to a World Series since… 2002? What? Holy fuck do I not remember that World Series. Seriously, the Giants played the Angels in a World Series in 2002? Wow. I bet you could fit all the people who watched that World Series in a 747 and fly them back to “who gives a fuck”-ville where that Series must’ve taken place. And they lost it too. The Giants haven’t won a World Series since 1954, which arguably means you have an AARP card if you remember a second of it.

Wow, so the NL is whoever. I seriously hope whoever the better team is wins because I don’t even know. I do know that the Phillies have a much vaunted pitching rotation with Halladay and Hamels specifically, but even I know who Oswalt and Lidge are. Ok, I just looked over the Giants roster and I know Tim Lincecum and Pat “The Bat” Burrell. I think I know Aaron Rowand as well. But not Biblically like the others. Either way, let’s hope one of them wins.

American League

New York Yankess vs. Texas Rangers

I hate the Yankees. Hate ’em. I hate them because I’m from the New York area and I’m not a fan. If you are not a fan of the Yankees and you live near New York then you are forced to hate the Yankees. The Yankees fans of this world are zealots. They are zealots who do not care about whether or not you will ever become a Yankees fan. They do not want to convince you to become a Yankees fan. They are not looking for conversion. In all honesty, because you are not a Yankees fan already – you’re an idiot to them and lesser than. How much more could the Yankees have done to convince you already, so at this point you’re just a buffoon for not being a Yankees fan. The Yankees are the greatest and they are fans of the greatest and with that they themselves are the greatest. They are like miniature kings or person’s of power because they wear that NY on their baseball cap.

So I dislike them with great intensity.

And I’m not rooting for Alex Rodriguez ever. Even if he was the sole representative in an inter-stellar exhibition between aliens of the galaxy of Nebulon 5 versus Alex Rodriguez the embodiment of the humanity of Earth – I would root for the aliens. And Jeter *shrugs*. Whatever. He’s great. He’s more than great. Who cares. He’s never captured the attention or been beloved by anyone who doesn’t just live or die by the pinstripe. His greatness doesn’t transcend. He’s the best baseball player of his generation and I’m more jealous of him for Minka Kelly than any of the rest. He is a boring interview, is pretty personality-less and he even comes across as unslightly bland because he didn’t take steroids when all the cool kids were taking steroids.

I’m rooting for the Texas Rangers.

Not a shock, right? I’m rooting for the Texas Rangers for 3 reasons. Well, 3 reasons outside of that reason above I mentioned with me not wanting to see the Yankees win.

#1. Josh Hamilton

Josh Hamilton is only a couple years older than me and he has seen and done many things that have aged him a hundred fold. Let me give you an example, I have spent countless hours raising chocobos in the videogame Final Fantasy VII to eventually breed a gold chocobo, so I could obtain the ultimate summon spell “Knights of the Round Table”. Where as Josh Hamilton, has spent countless hours doing hardcore drugs in an abandoned camper with homeless junkies. Just for clarification, a “chocobo” is a fictional animal that looks like a cuter version of an ostrich that one can ride like a horse and sometimes has the gift of flight. We have lived different lives.

Josh Hamilton was a phenomenal baseball prospect who at the age of 20 was in a car accident that sidelined him from baseball for a month and in that period of time he tried alcohol and cocaine for the first time and took to it like it was the missing link in his life. He lost several years to drugs and alcohol, but thankfully gave it up through faith and rehab. Since, 2006 Josh has been in the MLB showing off his incredible gift for baseball. He is easily one of the best players in the game and storyline wise is one of the most interesting.

To try and prevent Josh from backsliding, he doesn’t carry around much money, he isn’t allowed to drive by himself, he has no credit cards in his name, and the team hired an older gentleman to travel with Josh, eat with Josh and pray with Josh. The team even used ginger ale as their celebration liquid of choice to spray on each other instead of champagne when they beat the Rays in the last series because of Josh’s past. Everyone loves a story at redemption and he’s the best one we got.

#2. Ron Washington

On the complete flipside, I love the Texas Rangers’ manager Ron Washington because of his drug habits. Josh quit drugs, meanwhile Ron Washington was caught for using cocaine at the beginning of this season. Ron Washington is 58 years old, has a thin mustache, gray hair, and is an even tempered baseball manager for the Texas Rangers … and he does COCAINE!

Hahahaha, can you believe this guy did cocaine in the past year?! How amazing is that? It is not surprising if Josh Hamilton did cocaine. I mean there are a lot of people in the world who like cocaine and would want to do cocaine with a young millionaire All-star baseball player. But the manager? No one wants to do cocaine with Joe Torre or Jim Leyland. And it is crazy to think that Ron Washington was doing cocaine this year. That’s too funny. He is 58 years old and managing a team for America’s pasttime and he’s doing cocaine? 58 years old is too damn old to be doing cocaine. It’s a drug for the young and not an accomplished older gentlemen like Ron Washington.

Ron Washington was a professional baseball player in the 80’s so sure – he has done cocaine. But Ron Washington has played baseball in over 20 years! And he is still doing the stuff? Hahahahah, could you imagine? He wasn’t even that good of baseball player either. It’s not like he was even a famous baseball player. I can’t imagine he bought cocaine. I just can’t imagine it. Someone had to have offered him cocaine. I can’t see Ron Washington at 58 years old deciding he needed to purchase cocaine. He only had 414 hits in 12 years of professional baseball experience! That humbled man doesn’t buy cocaine.

I would bet Ron Washington was drinking at a club. Drinking bottled beers or maybe a few old man drinks like a Rob Roy. He was out that night with a friend from the old days who never grew up. A friend who really Ron Washington shouldn’t be hanging out with anymore at 58 years old. A man that Ron Washington thought may have changed. But he hadn’t. And that man brought cocaine to the party. After enough, suds and spirits in old Ron and hours of prodding by that old friend he convinced Ron it was the 1985 and he did some cocaine. The night just got away from the old man.

Nevertheless, Ron Washington at 58 years old had to give an apology speech at the beginning of this season which was bewildering and hysterical. And clearly he is good at his job since his team is here and up 2-1 on the Yankees.

#3. Nolan Ryan

Today, Nolan Ryan is part owner and acting President of the Texas Rangers. For the tenure of my love of baseball and for almost two decades prior to that, Nolan Ryan was an undeniable force in professional baseball. I loved baseball for the first 10 years of my life and during that time and during the period of time mentioned before that, Nolan Ryan was a freight train. He was a pyschopath as a starting pitcher.

Nolan Ryan won a World Series 3 years into his career and then played another 24 years without one. He generally played for garbage baseball teams where he was a lone gun slinger up there throwing 100mph heat flying at all cylinders. He has a ridiculously stupid amount of strikeouts and was simply a beast as a pitcher and was always a villainous character, which is probably why he never got a Cy Young trophy. And at the same time, he has more walks than any other pitcher by a stupid amount as well.

With all the fan fare for Brett Favre (as there should be), Nolan Ryan was there first. Favre is throwing it and has been throwing it forever. He has 80+ more touchdowns than anyone else and at the same time he has more fumbles and interceptions than anyone else. He is out there with the ball in his hands making decisions and just won’t stop. Same went for Nolan Ryan. He was throwing with reckless abandon for way too long. No one’s arm should have been able to throw that much power for that long of a period of time. Just a never say die, burly, humorless, angry pitcher who just fired the ball with all his might like a damn cannon forever.


Plus it is hysterical when the Rangers are playing at home and they cut to a shot of Nolan Ryan and George Dubya Bush sitting together. It’s W. It’s like he was never President. The Democrats mention him more than the Republicans do. He’s just doing what he did before he was the most powerful man on Earth for 8 years, he’s watching his Rangers play ball.


7 Responses to “I Can’t Believe I’m Going To Talk Baseball”

  1. kt said

    I don’t know anything about baseball… I had an ex-boyfriend from Boston and he was OBSESSED with the Sox. I mean it was like I was living the movie Fever Pitch. He cried when they won the World Series. My mom is really in the Rays right now but I think it is just because her boyfriend is.

    • Going to school in the Boston area helped turn me off of baseball. I was a Jr in college when they finally won the World Series. People ran around in underwear with brooms on fire. I know Yankees fans are terrible, but Sox fans aren’t much better.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        Yes, Sox fans suck as well.

        I say this with all the best intentions: Boston is a city of assholes.

        Generally speaking, any sports fans are assholes once they reach a certain level of fanaticism about their team being the best without giving credit to other teams.

  2. Amy D said

    My cousin dated Tim Lincecum’s brother.

    I like baseball, I prefer watching it in person rather than on TV. I would also prefer having a home team that could get their heads out of the ’95 golden season and get their shit together in the present/future.

  3. Lala said

    I didn’t read the post because it was about baseball and it’s late here and I have class tomorrow.
    I saw the pictures though.

  4. susanelle said

    Ha! Last night’s game is what I love about baseball… in how many other sports could you be 4 points ahead and yet be in danger of losing through one swing of a bat?

    It’s crazy, it’s sporty, it’s not like war.

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