Courteous Constructive Criticism Critters Commence

October 26, 2010

First and foremost, blame one of your own for my non-posting yesterday. You can also blame me because I’m not getting much sleep lately and I’m lazy. But I did escort one of your fellow commenters around New York City and this was morning following a night of getting drunk with that commenter and another commenter. So blame your own. And then, I guess blame me because you all take each others’ side instead of mine. Also, are people still reading this site? Either way, I’m a cheap tour guide if that is needed in your life.

A few friends came over to my place Saturday night for the UFC fights. Before the fights started and while we were casual sipping on beers like gentlemen, we decided to go through our OkCupid profiles tearing each other apart for how terrible we sound. We looked up our own profiles and that of our friends. I have been meaning to write a post bemoaning about OkCupid, but haven’t. I think I’ll write the post if I get some solid feedback from this one about my own profile, so without further ado:

Feel free to look at the profile, laugh at it, scoff at it, and then prepare some “constructive criticism” or “outright mean spiritedness” and send that my way.

I won’t give any preface to my profile. I do hate it, but this is what I came up with. I started a profile on OkCupid near the beginning of this year. I made an edit or two on the profile at the start of the Summer and this is what it has been running as since.

Either way, I am truly interested in hearing your alls thoughts and/or demeaning critique of it.

Yes, I will answer your questions.

Uh-huh… Hmmmm… Ok. Basically, your question is “What is it that I want?”

This is a tough one. It is just so hard to choose what I “want” specifically. It is really hurting my brain because I want so much that now I want answer to your question as well and that want is now on the inside of my skull attacking my own mind.

How can I put this into words? I want your face. I want the wind. I want the moon. I want peace. I want a peanut butter cup to eat. I want another million peanut butter cups to fill in a pool and then I want to swim in that sea of chocolate and peanut butter candies. I want a horse that speak Portuguese and a dog that speaks German. I want to sing a lullaby to the Dalai Lama. I want to kiss away the depression on the lips of the people of this world. I want a grappling hook to be my primary means of transportation. I don’t think I’m answering this correctly.

I want everything. Yes, that’s better. I want everything. I want IT.

Isn’t it just adorable when I talk with my hands by my face like this and my eyes are so big and bright? I want IT.


34 Responses to “Courteous Constructive Criticism Critters Commence”

  1. HideYourKidsHideYourWife said

    I’m new here. I wasn’t aware you engaged in threesomes with your commenters. Is this open for everyone? Is there an application process? What are your hard limits?

    • MLF said

      this could be my favorite comment in a while. I’m pretty sure there’s no application process considering he has like thirty wives…. which will not make sense unless you go back and read the comments section of every post. doing so may seem daunting but the good news is you will be highly entertained

  2. susanelle said

    I am still reading! But mork is getting in the way of scholarly analysis from me.

    I want details on the shenanigans with the unnamed commenters! DETAILS, chop-chop!!!

    I read your OKCupid profile and I want to know who the fuck is calling you a “bad boy”? Or did you use the quotation marks around “bad boy” to indicate that, by “bad boy,” you mean “decent, straight-up, easily-manipulated-through-guilt young man”?

    I mean, “bad boy” would be funny if an OKCupid browser knew you… which… she doesn’t, since she’s a stranger and she’s just browsing.

    • susanelle said

      Also, Kristen Stewart just gets more and more beautiful. Look at those photos.

    • tiffanized said

      I think the bad boy thing is an ironic acknowledgment that some girls want the bad boy but won’t admit it. By pointing it out he effectively called them on their bullshit, but they can’t be mad, because supposedly they don’t want the bad boy anyway so it doesn’t apply to them. Or something. I don’t know, I just had a Four Loko and my BAC is like .27.

      • susanelle said

        That is so deep and meta I feel like I’ve had a Four Loko just from readin’ it.

        Tiff there is no way Jordan is as smart as you so quit giving him the benefit of the doubt.

      • MLF said

        you’re totally right. also I am so happy to hear that you didn’t take jordan’s lousy advice and are still enjoying this blessed drink!

      • Four Loko is all over the news today — something about college kids overdosing on it or something. I think my brain might not work in the right way because the stories are making me want to try it more, not stay away from it. One day…

        Anyway, in that same brain you’re drinking Four Loko at work. So, high five! And please refer me for any open positions. (*?)

  3. MLF said

    kristen is so pretty. that is all.

  4. SCANDAL! Is it Sweeps Week at WordPress or something? Pot-stirrer.

    Your OkCupid profile seems fine so long as the person reading it understands that you’re being humorous and sarcastic. If not, you come off sounding cocky. But maybe that weeds out the chicks who you wouldn’t want talking to you in the first place? What do I know, I’ve never had an online dating profile and have no intention of ever having one. Though I am pretty tempted to sign up just so I can chat with “michael513ny” who’s listed as “similar to you” but “more desiring of sex”. Awesome.

    • MLF said

      I think the OKCupid profile should get a KSWI cameo and then be deleted to be never seen again. I think the only people who need an OKCupid profile are washed up meth-head gambling adicts from Las Vegas who are so defeated by life and the oppressive heat of the desert that they can’t meet people in real life. and thank god that doesn’t apply to the fabulous kay swidge jizzle, since he lives in the majestic state of New Jersey, am I right?

      • tiffanized said

        That wall of Internet saves so much time and trouble that I’ll never date without it again. It’s not that I can’t get a date, it’s more like I know that the odds of me meeting a guy in real life that meets my criteria are so small that I don’t have the time and energy. If I go out I might meet five guys, all of whom are going to be tragically undateable. Online I can sweep through a hundred profiles in a night, all without having to spend a penny or install a fake eyelash.

        That being ranted I met my current boyfriend in real life. So what the he’ll do I know?

      • tiffanized said

        Thank you, iPhone, for saving me from the unforgivable curse word that is “hell” by adding an unwanted apostrophe.

      • MLF said

        I actually read he’ll as someone just saying hell with a really southern accent so it still made total sense

  5. HideYourKidsHideYourWife said

    It’s really too bad you’ve only spent time thinking about coining the phrase “The Sexiest Generation.” While you were thinking it, I was doing it. You can also add Michael Rappaport to the things you were thinking while I was doing list.

  6. kt said

    Did you take your okcupid profile down because it keeps telling me “page not found”. Between that and you hanging out with common taters I am feeling really left out today.

    Additionally, has anyone heard from PWG? She’s been MIA for like 2 months.

    • MLF said

      I am missing Pweegey too….I have reached out to her via twitter but she is absent there as well, le sigh.


  7. cledbo said

    Gee thanks for missing pweege and not me! 😛 I kid. My ego is far to massive and indestructible not to stand up to that kind of forgetfulness (*quiet sob*)

    Anywho, I’m back. For now. And I’ve missed you all! I had to open your lazy-person’s-version-of-dating page on the external network, as apparently trolling dating sites and personal ads doesn’t count as work around here. Not that anything I’m doing at the moment counts as work – I deserve a break after the months I’ve had!! Blech.

    I am still fascinated by the idea that one can throw personal information into the ether of the interwebs, and somehow have it spit out a suitable life-partner. I met one person on a dating site, and when we went for a drink it was abundantly clear that without the security of a couple of monitors and a whole lot of cable between us, we had bugger-all to talk about. Mr Cledbo and I have shitloads to talk about, because we met at work and work provides enough bitch-session material to last a lifetime.

    Wu Tang Clan ain’t nothing to fuck with.

    • tiffanized said

      I have met about twelve people from a dating site. Eleven of those twelve dates had the following in common:

      1. Looked nothing like their profile picture.
      2. At least two inches shorter than stated online.
      3. No social skills. Seriously, unable to converse properly, eat with their mouths closed or treat a waiter with a modicum of respect.

      The twelfth guy was alright. He blinked a lot, but we’ll let that slide. His sin was telling me he was “hardcore” while wearing a sweater vest and saying that the most “bitchin” concert he’d ever been to was Dave Matthews. Um, let me help you out with the definition of hardcore, man.

      I’m probably way too picky.

    • MLF said


  8. tiffanized said

    I’m home now and therefore free to critique your profile. I didn’t look at any others but I’m guessing yours is the most coherent and with the least amount of spelling errors on the entirety of OkCupid. Reading dating profiles is not for people OCD about grammar and spelling.

    Your username is funny but I first read it as “avatar wash me” which made no sense but creeped me out nonetheless. You may be putting off the dyslexic chicks, but if that’s cool with you, it’s cool with me.

    I like how you say “I’m really unique” followed immediately by “I love sports” which is certainly rare on dude’s dating profiles. I’m thinking you were trying to be funny here. But you are really unique, so maybe you weren’t trying to be funny. I guess it works either way, then.

    I know that at the point where you said “many of you are not asking for much” I would have stopped reading. But I’m a humorless bitch so you might be better off weeding out those types anyway.

    That’s all I have to say. I thought the profile was great but I feel like you are much more interesting and funny than you come across on there. Also, mention the tattoos.

  9. Lala said

    So you are a tour guide now? Because I’ll go to New York again in December. Or are you doing the tour guide thing for just some of the commontators?

    Also, why can’t I see your okcupid profile?

    • MLF said

      excellent questions that should all be answered on Friday. write em down kay swidge- I dont wanna hear about a lack of questions this week cuz Lala totally picked up the slack!

  10. OK if they can make a tv show with that tool from “Sister Wives” [I could blame a tivo mishap but fine: I recorded and watched it out of morbid curiosity – I feel better coming clean and admitting it], will someone PLEASE make a series out of KSWIG & His CommenTater Wives? Please??? Because I would totally watch that…

    : )

    • MLF said

      I am wildly in favor of this idea. it would of course have to be filmed in Jersey and could replace that other show with all the orange people

      • cledbo said

        If the budget was big enough you could go on location to all the various commontaters hometowns – weird internet love/stalking knows no boundaries!

        Plus Jordache would get to visit all of us who can’t pop down to NJ for the weekend, due to being thousands of kms away.

      • MLF said

        I like it. it could be like that food show where the guy travels to eat exotic foods, only with more women and pimp suits. and kristen stewart. so in other words way cooler

  11. MLF said

    so since you have been complaining about whether anyone is still reading/commenting lately I have tried to make you feel better by commenting fifty times today. I hope you are appreciative of this. maybe you could go out to celebrate. with a picnic. in a park? idk, just thinking of how I would celebrate something like that. anyways it has occured to me that on your OKCupid profile you have forgotten to mention the sisterwives. to the casual observer it would appear you are looking for one singular woman in your life when really this person which just have the title of first wife. you should probably correct this oversight so there is no confusion when the other sisterwives show up.

    or you could just delete it. either one.

  12. Crystal said


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