Boom.

There it is.

The most lackluster bullshit I have ever seen.

Ever.

As you may be able to guess, I am dramatically typing this really slowly because to really make the point of how stupid this is.

Not that I ever thought Twilight was particularly smart, but I get vampires. I’ve heard of them. They have fangs and such. They move quickly and are strong. They feed on blood, generally human blood. They are all emo and such. They like techno music. They dig electronic jams. They like leather. Rescind that – they LOVE leather. All the leather. Leather pants, shoes, boots, belts, shirts, hats. They’re real old, which usually results in them being well-read. They don’t like sunlight and all that jazz. So I get that part of Twilight. I get liking vampires. I like Blade. I’ve seen the other two Blades. I’ve seen and read Bram Stoker’s Dracula. I’ve sat through Queen of the Damned. I’ve done my part in this Underworld shenanigans. So I get it.

There are werewolves in Twilight as well. I get them; I’ve heard of them. They’re big like Arnold Schwarzenegger in the pre-politics. They’re hairy like ZZ Top. They’re fast and strong like the Reverend Raven Raymond Lewis. But sometimes they are smooth and hairless like a teen boy. And other times they’re good at basketball and boxing. You know, that all makes sense to me. I get the draw.

There are good looking chicks in Twilight. I get that. I understand why we all like good looking chicks. They smell nice and are soft and their skin looks like it would be pleasant to touch. They giggle and laugh and smile and everything they do is endearing. They look cute wearing their clothes or silly clothes or serious clothes or too big clothes or too small clothes or my clothes or no clothes. And spending your time imagining what sexy time with them is like is really time well spent.

But…

This is stupid.

Real stupid.

Really stupid.

So stupid.

At first, I thought this was a joke. Not a funny joke or even a thinker joke, but just a joke. I saw that director Bill Condon of this new Twilight decided to tweet a picture from the movie Breaking Dawn. I like movies and I run a website with an oddly invested interest in these particular movies, so I thought with 24 hours in a day I could spend a second or two looking at this picture. And then I saw the picture.

This picture. Oh boy do I hate this picture.

At first again, I had no idea what the fuck was going in this picture. I clicked on the picture expecting the picture to blow up to reveal the rest of the picture like this was a thumbnail preview to a much bigger picture that actually had something going on in it. But there wasn’t. It was just a bigger version of half an arm holding what appears to be feathers. This is when my brain kicked in:

Why feathers?

Why just a hand?

Feathers? Hmmm… what has feathers? Chickens obviously. Birds. Most birds, if not all birds I guess. Hmmm… feathers? Well, the book has super powered vampires and werewolves and maybe some other things, so what has feathers? Angels? Angels have feathers. Feathered white wings. Is that Kristen Stewart’s hand holding the feathers from an angel who is now in the book? I don’t know. Why does it even have to be that grandiose? Let’s go back to those chickens. Maybe she fights a chicken. Or maybe she catches Fake-Rob eating chickens. I mean eating them when they’re alive with the blood and such and feathers flying. Not like how I eat chicken in the grilled or fried variety from the grocery store.

Feathers?

Half an arm?

Then I decided to read the description of the picture from the movie website. And it explains that this is actually Kristen’s hand holding the feathers from seemingly busted pillows because having honeymoon sex with a vampire results in some pillow biting and/or tearing from how rough the sex is.

I hate this stupid movie and book series.

That is so stupid.

This picture is not hot.

Not romantic.

Not sexual.

Not sensual.

Not nipple hardening.

Or anything else hardening.

Not titillating.

It is just stupid.

If any other movie showed a still photo like this with nothing happening and it all being left up to the imagination of the person to fill in all the details and I mean ALL the details because absolutely nothing is being shown or happening in this picture then that movie would be absolutely LAUGHED at.

But because this is Twilight, I could basically hear the orgasms through my twitter timeline.

All this is is a picture of a hand holding a couple feathers. For everyone to fill in that this picture is hot because that meant a few minutes earlier in a world we do not see that two people who are not pictured were having sex that was not even described is just ridiculous.

You could literally do that about any picture ever…

Oh shit! Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

LOOK HOW FUCKING HOT THAT IS!

OMG! I’m fucking sweating this is so fucking hot! This is the sexiest shit ever. As you all know that jar full of homemade chocolate chip cookies is a metaphor for all the hot sex that the two main characters had. That man’s hand is of course from our protagonist Steve the alien space ninja from the future who has traveled the galaxy for a 1000 years looking for his one true love. That one true love is of course Whitney the average clumsy high school girl who just so happened to meet Steve when she almost hit him with her car during her driver’s test. Since then the two have had a wild tale of improbable sexual frustration until last Tuesday. That last Tuesday, Steve and Whitney had so much bed breaking sex. Like all the sex. And with the very hands that Whitney used to sex up Steve’s future alien ninja body and penises, she used those same hands to makes these cookies. The same hands that squeezed and stroked that … cookie dough was also on Steve’s naked ninja future alien body. And Whitney made sure to make a cookie for each and every time Steve drove Whitney to climax with his multiple ninja penis alien future hands. And now Steve is reaching into that cookie jar and taking Whitney’s cookies and take them to his lips to eat just like he did to Whitney’s… And it is just the fucking sexiest hottest most amazing orgasmic crazy wild hot sexy fuck sexy hot want naked nude nothing happening it’s feathers and a hand sexy fuck hot naked Steve alien ninja penis orgasm Whitney’s cookie jar and this is the end of my post.

🙂

Happy Monday, I wish I were asleep.

That’s what we are all thinking right now. Regardless of whatever we are doing, we wish we were asleep. To sleep per chance to dream. To dream of joining an adult activity club that plays pranks on each other and plays dodgeball and puts on comedy sketches while everyone wears matching t-shirts for their particular team. And then of course, the grand maestro of this after work socializing for the socially inept prepares a guest speaker for that day’s special occasion. One can only think of one appropriate guest speaker who would be totally cool de la in the pros pro for this apro: Alice Cooper. Yes, thee Alice Cooper who is surprisingly still alive meanwhile Leslie Nielsen is not. And as we all wait backstage as the color matched mass, there is the man of the hour in Mr. Cooper. Oh gosh is he short. Shorter than most. Shorter than most who have medical conditions about being short. His shortness is so distracting one may not notice that with each step he takes he leave a trail of fire in his wake. We spar with words – jokingly of course. And once one believes this oddity could be over, the fellow females of this after work fun factory begin to take the opportunity to meet this miniature Alice Cooper. By “meet” I mean shove their tongue down his throat and vice versa as we watch in horrific silence. Well, girl one kiss kiss kisses and then moves on until the heavily tattooed and head shaved girl two disrobes both herself and our pint sized special guest. This is when things get creepy-er. Some stand and watch, mouths agape in confusion and disgust; others turn and cover their eyes in fear like watching a killing scene. I try to defuse the tension and begin making small talk with this small celebrity while this bald headed ink girl ravages him. Finally, a security guard enters and pulls the lover aside and we all are relieved. She exits the room, clothes nowhere to be found, and Cooper sweaty. This is when it gets creepy-est. Two more girls of the next door variety enter and make a bee line towards the tiny tot frontman. At some point I wake from this dream/nightmare/astral projection of us watching the mini me Alice Cooper making love to two ladies. But before the dream was finished, before Alice finished, I did make one comment that I felt was amusing. I asked Alice Cooper what did he think of nowadays “rock n’ roll” and he replied “rock n’ roll is dead” and I replied “well, guitars aren’t.”

Oh dreaming. Oh sleep.

I would enjoy most dearly if you all shared some crazy dreams that you have had recently. Or why limit it? Ever. Talk about ever dreams. Crazy ever dreams.

Or talk about what a wonderful Thanksgiving one had. “Wonderful” is a word that can be substituted out for “horrible” and “drunken”.

I’m not sure what else there is to write when one talks of a dwarf Alice Cooper sodomizing only steps in front of you. So I will leave you with this picture…

And a proverb in rhyme…

Tomorrow, I will return to scurrying through the leaves from the trees while on my knees fearful of the honey bees all in New Jerseys. These bees stinging at my knees while I’m freely touching all the leaves moving vertically through the trees could be a metaphor for worker bees sitting in their cubicles glaring at me with unpleasantries as I whimsically lick sticky sap from the trees while they silently. Tomorrow, I will meet with these bees and discard my tees for a more suitable me and listen to their decrees about discarding my fantasies of playing in the leaves that fall from these sticky sap trees and worrying about honey bees all in the state of New Jersey. They will break my keys that I use to write these poetries and offer me a life of duties with the other worker bees.

So I’ll be gone tomorrow, but I’ll post something short.

– me

Happy New Year! Or something.

One guy I follow on Twitter named The Sulk said a lot of funny things yesterday, but one of them in particular I shall pass on to you:

“Today = Thanksgiving. Tomorrow = Thanksshitting.”

And before I get myself involved in that holiday as I drink my first of many colon cleansing coffee cups of … coffee, I will answer the Friday questions.

Friday question: with all this talk of an NFL lockout, to what insane lengths would you go to ensure next season continued uninterrupted? Would you perform sexual favors for another male? I don’t know why the NFL would say “Football can continue so long as KSWI Jordan gives that dude over there a beej,” but let’s pretend that they would for a moment just for my entertainment’s sake. Thanks

Well, who is this dude “over there”? Does everyone know that I’m saving football by blowing this “dude”? And is everyone treating me like the hero I’ve always wanted and felt that I am already am? Because if the stars do align…

What am I prepared to do? For the most part I’m doing as much as I’m prepared to do, which is practicing “The Secret”.

Ahhh, yes The Secret. You all may remember The Secret from Oprah. And by “Oprah” I do mean the mythical wondrous trillionaire Chicagoan. The Secret is remaining positive and focusing on out comes that you want to happen in life and through this optimism and positivity they will manifest. Also, there is the act of making “dream boards” where you cut out pictures of things you want and can focus your positivity on to make happen.

The Secret never mentions how many dream boards you can have. Or how many you should limit yourself to. So safe to say, I have rented out an office space not far from where I am living. The walls are covered in dream boards and I sit in there and pray and listen to Michael Jackson’s “Black or White” and once a day a dog breeder releases all its puppies in the office and we run and giggle and smell markers because that is the most positive thing experience ever.

I’m pretty sure this will all get figured out with the players and the owners in the NFL before I have to blow a guy. Thanks for thinking of me…

Why are most, if not all, major American holidays an excuse to eat yourself into a food coma, or alternatively drink until you can’t feel feelings any more?
(I’m not judging, most of our holidays are like that too. We have a horse race that everyone skips work for – top that!!)

The US of A has horse races, but they are on Saturdays.

I’m not sure what else there really is to do with people. Eat, drink and be merry. So why not eat A LOT, drink A LOT, and maybe you’ll be merry after that. It’s just simplest that way. Maybe if people are stuffing their faces with food and alcohol then you won’t have to converse with people you really have no business conversing with.

Since America is kind of the greatest everyday always then everyday is like a holiday in this damn country, right?

Will you ever consider rejoining the world of the working stiff, Jordalachian? Or is freelancing treating you too well to even contemplate having to wear a cool suit and get up before 10am ever again?

I will/have considered. Freelancing doesn’t pay me enough to live on forever. But we’ll see. I may be rejoining said office world sooner than later. I do still have all those suits. They sit unworn in my closet.

What do you want for Xmas?

KSWI orgy? I do have a dream board for that as well.

Have you seen the Cowboys & Aliens movie trailer?

I have. Several times. My opinion on this trailer is ever changing. I know of the comic book, but never read it. I like a lot of the people involved in the movie like director Jon Favreau and Daniel Craig and Mr. Ford and Olivia Wilde’s body. I like the idea of the movie and the comic book very much, but the trailer is a little disconcerting to me. I would expect it to be more humorous, but it looks really serious. And some of that seriousness could be ok if it were not for the one part where Harrison Ford rides out of the darkness and says that he wants Daniel Craig and at that point I start laughing and say “wow, that was bad” every time.

I’m definitely seeing the movie. There is no way I’m not seeing it. I’m just wondering if the movie is this serious and if it is maybe they shouldn’t have hired Harrison Ford. The first time I watched the trailer I was into it. The more I watch it, the more it worries me. But I’ll definitely be there opening day waiting to see it.

I love the idea of “cowboys” and “aliens”, so hopefully it works. I have not seen a Jon Favreau movie that wasn’t at the very least entertaining as hell.

And on the topic of great combinations…

Friday question, for the Friday post we’re most certainly not going to have: “Why are you so popular with Indian men of the lonely persuasion, Kay Swidge?”

My question back – there are 1.5 billion Indian people, so why are there not more Indian men commenting on this website trying to find love… sex… a fuck buddy?

I’m pretty sure that these “Indian men” are really a “clever” spammer. Nevertheless, I laugh a lot reading the messages. I was thinking about one day going through comments like theirs and making a post out of it. We’ll see if I do that.

Have a great weekend.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Game 1 of 3 is done and I still dislike the New England Patriots immensely.

Game 2 of 3 has just begun and I hope the New Orleans Saints beat the Cowboys in Dallas so badly that they fire their second head coach this season.

Game 3 of 3 is tonight and I really don’t care who wins, as long as the Bengals don’t lose by more than 8 points. I gamble on football – yes, I do.

As far as “turkey” day… to all you lovely Americans and, even, the unlovely ones – Happy Thanksgiving. I hope you eat a lot of food and get drunk and whatever else happens on this day. I hope you win a free pair of shoes. I don’t know how that would happen, but I can still hope that it happens for you.

To all you non-Americans and/or Ameri-can’ts – I hope all you lovely internationals have a great day as well with winning a free pair of shoes and eating a lot and getting drunk and whatever else can happen on a Thursday for you.

And since today holds no particular special meaning as far as a wildly dubious story about wild injuns and crazy religious nuts with dopey hats eating turkey – here is a video for you:

Yeah, it is a flying snake. It is both the greatest dream and nightmare I could ever hope for in this world. It will be the ruin and savior of us all.

Friday questions?

This seems to be the big burning question going around. Instead of writing about comedy today, I thought I would write an educational post helping explain to the people the current situation the United States is becoming involved in overseas.

This military/political situation is with the peninsula of Korea and not the Klingon planet Qo’noS also known as Kronos .

For most Americans, tomorrow is a day of family. Thanksgiving is a day marked by seeing your family and eating with your family and, one would assume, talking to your family. Misinformation can spread like wildfire in today’s world and I wanted to do my part in this scary time to help you understand what is really at stake.

I have heard a lot of questions being asked about these turbulent times and about Koreans/Klingons, so I will answer the most pertinent ones.

QUESTION #1:

Is the United States of America going to war against North Korea in aiding our ally South Korea?

Or…

Is the United States of America beginning an interstellar war against a fictional race of aliens known as the Klingons?

The answer:

Frankly, we are not going to war with either. Hopefully.

The United States and Korea have already participated in a war together aptly called “The Korean War”. It seems unlikely that a second Korean War will take place. Not that the US is against fighting an enemy twice (read: “The World” in “World War I” and “World War II”). In large part, the actions by both North and South Korea are commonplace. North Korea is kind of the Mayor of Crazytown and they like the world to recognize that title from time to time.

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Recently, North Korea showed off a nuclear processing plant, which we didn’t know about the other day. That was unsettling. And then yesterday, they exchanged artillery fire with South Korea. In a lot of ways, this is political theater by the North Koreans. Their longtime leader Kim Jong-il, who you may remember from his tore de force performance in Team America: World Police, recently stepped down and handed over his scepter to his son Kim Jong-un.

Because of this flux in power, the North Koreans feel the need to show off their “toughness” and doing so is shooting randomly at South Korea. In the same way, South Korea feels the need to respond to show they still are tough as well and are not going to stand for bullying from North Korea. The United States is allies with South Korea and that is why they have stepped in. The US has a large military presence in South Korea, but it is truly in everyone’s best interest to settle this politically, which is more or less how situations like this have been solved since the conclusion of the Korean War.

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It is a tense situation and hopefully will not go any further, but one never knows.

As for the second part of the question, the United States is not going to war with the Klingon people of the planet Kronos. I repeat, the United States is NOT going to war with the citizens of the planet Kronos. Although they are a war-like people and would probably enjoy a war with the United States to prove, which military has a superior might – this is not transpiring.

Case in point: Klingon’s are not real.

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QUESTION #2:

What is the difference between Koreans and Klingons?

Are you sure there is even a difference? Aren’t they the same people and it is just one of those “po-tay-toe” “po-tah-to” situations? You call them Koreans and I call them Klingons.

The answer:

I have heard this being asked a lot. Probably too much. To some, maybe not enough. There are a lot of similarities between Koreans and Klingons – sure. I will not deny that. They both have a proud heritage, their own language, music, government, religious beliefs and traditions that illustrate a beautiful tapestry of shared existence. But they are different.

Koreans are NOT Klingons.

This…

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is not the same as this…

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The primary difference between Koreans and Klingons, Koreans are in fact very real as opposed to Klingons being purely fictional creations. Besides that there are many other differences. For instance, as mentioned Koreans are from the peninsula of Korea, which is generally speaking separated along the 38th latitudinal parallel. North Korea is a heavily guarded secluded militarily run country where as South Korea is an increasingly liberal democracy that freely participates socially with the rest of the globe, eg: 1988 Summer Olympic Games at South Korea’s capital city Seoul.

On the other hand, Klingons are from the planet Kronos, which is of a green color. It has a heavily tilted axis meaning extreme seasonal changes. It features one land mass and one huge ocean. And the planet’s lone moon, Praxis, was destroyed, which was a major plot point for the movie Star Trek VI: Undiscovered Country.

QUESTION #3:

Why should I care? What have either the Koreans or the Klingons ever done for me?

The answer:

Koreans are a global people who take residence in the US, China, Europe and really all over. Since the mid 20th century, Koreans have become a major part of the great landscape of the US. By recent estimates there are at least 2 million Koreans living in the United States with the largest community centered in Los Angeles. They have given us many beautiful things like “Korean Barbecue” restaurants where one can cook the meat of their own choosing right there at the table, also the excellent films of Park Chan-wook namely his Vengeance Trilogy. Also also, they have given us Ken Jeong and we would live on a lot less funny planet without him.

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And there are the beautiful Korean people themselves. They are quite good looking. Besides what different things they seem to come up with in their brains or with their fingertips – the people themselves are quite lovely and as we all know “attractiveness” pretty much trumps everything.

They are so pretty. Their soft features and elegance. I want one. I want a whole host of them. I want a basketball team of these cute Koreans followed by a football team of them and then a soccer team and a mini militia of them and then maybe a couple more as confidants.

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As for the Klingons, they are fairly unattractive. They look like a mix of a racist portrayal of a dark skinned minority and a dinosaur. Imagine the “Geico” cavemen on steroids and armed with bladed weapons. Their skin looks eerily similar to the spray-on tan one may see on the Jersey Shore. Their hair is reminiscent of a back-up guitarist for Ratt or Poison or White Snake. Their head itself is rigid and has protruding elements to it that suggest another alien creature might be in their head trying to break out. And let’s be honest with each other for a moment, the very best looking Klingon woman is still a “butterface”.

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They are a gruff people. They speak a guttural language that is not soft on the ears. They are a passionate people. They love war and believe in proving oneself in battle. They do share many similarities with Asian warriors of the past known as Samurais. But what have the Klingons done for you? Since they are fictional, not much. They have appeared on Star Trek and its successor shows/movies and I’m sure there is a fetish porn dedicated to Klingons as well. So there is that.

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Probably their greatest gift to mankind is as a Halloween costume. It is fun to dress as a Klingon for Halloween. They wear a lot of black, chains, carry weapons, have long hair, crazy foreheads and you get to be a dick to everyone because Klingons kind of act like well-spoken high school jocks played Laurence Olivier. Where as, it is quite insensitive to dress as a Korean for Halloween – I do not suggest doing that.

Last question,

QUESTION #4:

Who wants IT more?

The answer:

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Well, that is for you to decide.

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IN CONCLUSION:

I hope that we do not have any further military problems in Korea and hope all problems can be handled with diplomacy. I hope that Klingons do not suddenly become real and then attack the planet Earth. Either way, I hope that you show great love to all people including Koreans and Klingons if you are to cross paths with one.

I hope this has helped.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

I’m out exploring New Jersey crawling through the leaves and licking up its sticky sap trees. I’m moving vertically on my hands and knees keeping a lookout for honey bees. Won’t you please, Mr. honey bees, do not sting my knees while I’m scurrying through the trees touching all the leaves.

I hope you are having a great day,

J-Swizzle

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