Are You Still Talking Halloween? D-Day +2

November 2, 2010

Yesterday’s post was a bunch of words. Today’s post will be a bunch of pictures. That’s how this shit works, kiddies. The balance of power shifts one way and then the universe has to correct itself. In this way, I talked oddly exactly to the minute’s second about the Halloweenities that I experienced and to apply the Skeletor to that He-Man there will be a bunch of pictures from Yahoo’s Oh My Gosh celebrity picture gallery of them dressed in Halloween costumes from this year. I will write about each one I guess. If I’m feeling tempted enough to do so. Also, I will spoiler alert my own post in that there will be a tiny smidgen of a mention about Kristen Stewart’s dangle bf Robert Pattinson and what he wanted to do for Halloween.

Up first… SNOOKI

This is why I love Yahoo. They take all the guessing out of it. This picture of Snooki leads to more questions than answers as to what she was for Halloween. She’s green. Like really green. She has a tiara and a cape on. She has an amorphous green blob on top of a bedazzled scepter. What is she? If I was in elementary school then I would say something about “boogers”? I don’t know. Thankfully, Yahoo asked the little one and she is a “Pickle Princess”. Ahhhh! That makes so much sense with all the legends of the famed Pickle Princesses of… who knows what the fuck she is talking about? She loves pickles on the TV show and she thinks she is a princess in real life, so combine the two and she is basically the boring superhero version of herself. Fair enough. Next year! I will be! “Used to get a lot of comments” blogger man!

This has been the infamous famous picture that has circulated quite a bit over the past 24 hours. The purple and red she monster is oddly enough the adorably beautiful Heidi Klum. The weirdly silver steroided lunatic is actually my musical and spiritual hero Seal. Some people have reported Seal is a robot and/or the Silver Surfer. I guess I could see that though the Silver Surfer is most famous for his surfboard so Seal should have one and why would a robot have such big muscles. Some people have reported that Heidi Klum is a Transformer. Some people have never seen the movie or cartoon show Transformers. I think their outfit should just be called “Perfect Couple” because two wildly rich famous and attractive people decided to both get equally crazily dressed up in a completely “what the fuck” costume and seem very happy to do so.

Oh jeez. I’ll be back. I need to go violate a children’s book.

To the right is R&B singer John Legend. To the left is the pair of boobs we are all jealous he gets to play with. Yahoo is reporting that he went as Marc Antony and this model girlfriend of Legend is Cleopatra. That may be, but I also believe this model girlfriend dressed in the costume of “HOT” and John Legend dressed in the costume of “WINNER OF HALLOWEEN”.

Next time, please don’t.

Christina, lovely Christina. I have read that she has separated with her husband. I’m not sure if I have mentioned this, but my name is Jordan and so was his name. I’m not swarmly little rat looking douche like her other Jordan, but our names are 100% similar. So if she just wants to marry me and not have to get used to yelling someone else’s name around the house then I am perfectly available.

Kudos to this guy! This is the guy from Glee. You know the guy who is impossibly gay on the show Glee and plays a glee club teacher and is somehow having sex with women? Well, he dressed as Richard Simmons and it is great. Good job to that guy. Also, I don’t know why the black guy in the background dressed as a coal miner is so funny to me, but it is. I just wasn’t expecting that.

Thank you, Audrina. I have looked at a ton of celebrities in their costumes this year and have been severely disappointed with the lack of the attribute “slut” in most of these female costumes. That is what Halloween is for! … well, getting candy as a kid is what it is for for kids. But when you get older, it is an excuse for girls to dress next to naked and for guys to ogle said girls without having the cops called on them/us. A lot of these lady celebs are not getting that idea. Kim Kardashian got the memo. Meanwhile, Amanda Seyfried certainly didn’t get the memo as she dressed in a full cartoon bear or dog or something costume. AMANDA! Have you seen what you look like in any mirror ever!?! Now take any “noun” in life and then throw the word “sexy” in front of it and that is what you should have been for Halloween.

Oh and I have no idea what Audrina is.

Holly Madison got the memo. In general, I have no clue what she is. But she says she is Sleeping Beauty’s Princess Aurora. Fine. Whatever. She is showing legs and cleavage like God intended for women to do on Halloween. Thank you, Holly.

Former roommate and geriatric threesome haver, Kendra is also dressed perfectly for Halloween. She is an early 20th century gangster… if early 20th century gangsters had DD implants that were mashed together in a sports coat that is being worn as a dress. Again, she is doing the Lord’s work here.

But the best part of this picture has to be the guy over her left shoulder who seems to be taking Halloween very seriously. I’m not sure what he is, but clearly has at least 100 gym memberships.

This is that girl from the new 90210 that absolutely no one is watching and everyone is surprised is still on TV. She did not get the memo. Her costume is frighteningly accurate as the White Queen from the new Alice in Wonderland. But I don’t care about accuracy. I cannot be angry at this girl whose name I don’t really know because every other time I have seen a picture of her from the rest of the 364 days of the year she is next to naked, so she is doing her part.

Nicky Hilton continuing her role as the seemingly responsible Hilton sister was dressed as Super Girl. Meanwhile, her sister Paris Hilton not only got the slutty memo, but I think she got ALL the slutty memos. Paris Hilton is an American treasure. Did anyone else read about how she hid cocaine in her vagina? Uh-May-ZING!

Here is Janet Jackson continuing Jackson family tradition of being weirdos. It was sad to see Michael Jackson pass. It was also sad to think that the Jacksons would not be doing weird things in the media anymore. Thankfully, they know what we want and Janet has dressed up as a woman with a mustache I guess.

It appears that Anne Hathaway did not get the memo either. I’m starting to get the idea that Paris Hilton may have stolen the memo from everyone else’s mailbox. I mean I have no fucking clue what high heels, a leopard print jumpsuit and a blue bird mask is, but it does appear if this photographer was over <—– yonder then there may be a deep plunging Anne Hathaway neck line. So, I’m conflicted on this. I can only righteously judge what I can see and what I see is sort of stupid looking.

I have no clue why Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna are still invited to celebrity parties, but I am happy they are. Lisa isn’t dressed slutty, but I will say this is a brilliant couple’s costume. Can’t hate on this one.

Yeah, this happened. I love it. I’m not dying to see Tori Spelling dressed slutty and I’m glad she didn’t dress too slutty around her two kids. But who cares what she is dressed as when you have Mr. Tori Spelling and the son both dressed as Wolverine and they’re both really into it. Not to be mean to the little girl daughter, but they should really crop out the left side of this photo and just have the father and son here. They look amazing. I even like that for whatever reason the dad is not wearing the blue gloves and is instead showing off some Hollywood make-up magic with the claws coming right out of his flesh. This guy! And then the kid is dressed up as the same thing… with gloves.

Why?

Can we issue a statute of limitations on how old you can be and dress up as a cheerleader? Or at least can we just tell Jamie Lee Curtis not to dress up as a cheerleader? I just find this to be creepy. Am I alone on this?

I loved you in Trading Places and True Lies.

GO AWAY!

JUST GO AWAY!

Can you believe this kid is making high six figures?

BOOM! FUCKING BOOM!

I know the mom is the “famous” one of these two, but after looking at this photo aren’t you questioning that? I don’t know what her name is off the top of my head, but I do know she is the completely replaceable host on The Biggest Loser. I have only seen one episode of that show, but I’m pretty sure all she did was read the numbers on the scale when those people got on them at the end of the show. I am 9000% positive we could teach a monkey to do that. And by “we”, I literally mean myself and whichever readers would like to adopt a wild monkey and then attempt to teach it numbers in the English language. I have faith that we could do it.

Also, this kid of hers could do it and he could do it as IRON MAN! Look at this fucking kid! At that moment in time, that kid is IRON MAN! No one can deny that. I’m not saying he is Iron Man now or was Iron Man on October 22nd. But at whatever time it was when this picture was taken — HE. WAS. IRON. MAN! And he fucking knows it too. Look at that pose. That kid is fucking selling the shit out of himself being Iron Man. You know going through his head was:

“Oh, you want a picture of Iron Man? BAM! Here’s a picture of IRON MAN!”

That kid knows what’s up. I would watch those obese people shake their weight if I knew that kid dressed as Iron Man was the host of that show instead of his Mom. Just saying, NBC. I’m sure he costs a fraction of what his Mom costs. I bet he’ll do it for a few juice boxes and snickers bar. Or maybe an iPhone. Kids these days and their fucking iPhones.

Anyway…

I saw this article about ROBERT PATTINSON…. and kristen stewart.

http://foreign.peacefmonline.com/entertainment/201011/100394.php

The Twilight kids are in Baton Rouge, Louisiana filming Twilight of course. Robbie wanted the cast to spend the night at this “haunted” plantation that has been turned into a bed and breakfast for Halloween evening. But British Bert over there didn’t think about planning ahead and the people at Myrtles Plantation turned them away.

Two comments:

1. Who the fuck do the people at Myrtles Plantation think they are? Idiots I suppose. Do you know how many females from the ages 1 to 100 would want to spend next year’s Halloween at Myrtles Plantation because Rab and Stew and their fearsome emo gang spent the night there? I know a bunch of readers of this site have backpacked across this great nation of ours just to hang out in the woods to take pictures next to trees that had cameo roles in Twilight. Imagine if you had the chance to sleep in the same bed as Fake-Bella and Fake-Edward? Fuck “Myrtles Plantation”. It could be “Twilight Plantation” or something and people would have actually heard about it.

2. This is the background story of said plantation – Myrtles Plantation is a bed and breakfast and they boast on their site that they are “one of America’s most haunted homes!” The 11-bedroom house has been around since 1796, and became famous after a slave named Chloe accidentally poisoned the family that lived there.

What the fuck? If Chloe “accidentally” poisoned the family that lived there then that has to go up to the top of the list of “happy accidents”.

Maybe they denied them access knowing that Kristen Stewart’s want is so powerful that any ghosts that do exist in between those walls would be compelled to pass on to the other side of existence because of its awe inspiring presence. In that case, it was a good idea.

 

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5 Responses to “Are You Still Talking Halloween? D-Day +2”

  1. MLF said

    DUDE Iron man is for sure fucking killing it.

  2. Excuse me, but I call wild shenanigans on this whole “Halloween exists for ogling girls” bullshit. It should work both ways. Why should you be allowed to wear sweatpants? Maybe your flag football player should wear daisy dukes next year, hm?

    Anyway. I’m more disturbed by Janet Jackson than I am Jamie Lee Curtis. Seriously, what is she? I think she might be dressed as her father, Joe. Ew…

    Heidi and Seal probably have the weirdest sex life imaginable. The dude from Glee looks like Justin Timberlake. And who is the high-six-figure-making kid you’re shouting at to go away?

    This comment makes me feel like I have A.D.D. I probably do.

    • Amy D said

      The 6-figure kid is the one that is in 2 1/2 Men w/ Charlie Sheen…. I think they give him all the money to look the other way on set.

  3. Amy D said

    Ha ha, next year I’ll be going as “used to get a lot of comments blogger man”. That made my day for some reason, and it has taken a lot lately to bring me out of my funk.

    So sorry about no comments from me – I just can’t pull witty or interesting out of my hat these days. Still read you, still love you…

  4. AmyAlmost said

    You know, she is Sammy from Days of Our Lives, saying she’s not famous is like saying that Ronn Moss isn’t a God.

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