Today Is Your Birthday, Dumb Ass!

November 4, 2010

Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to all yous people out there who were born this very day! And to all of yous who are celebrating “half-birthdays”, I have a special message for you: grow the fuck up. This world is cold and heartless and never takes a moment to even stop and reflect on any truly wonderful or horrible things that happen, so trying to smuggle time away from the madness for a non-existent moment of rejoice like the 6 month anniversary in between your yearly birth anniversary is in a word: immature. Just accept the endless solitude that life has offered us without making a fool of yourselves more times a year than are necessary.

With that being said, please prepare all gifts and cake because it is my Half-Birthday just over a month away! Get yo’ shit together for it!

Anyway, enough about you imaginary motherfuckers trying to steal the spotlight from someone who was actually born on this day.

I went to the IMDB and they have a list of the hundreds of people who were born on each and every day. These people are actors, directors, producers, grips, best boys and everyone else who has helped work on a movie, TV show or anything else entertainment. But they cannot just vomit these birthdays out onto the internet. The IMDB has kindly listed these people in a real time popularity order as it should be.

I looked at this list and my question was – who the fuck are these people? It is great that it is their birthday and all, but, again, who the fuck are these people and why are they more popular than some other people? I have grabbed a big chunk of the list and I will try to figure out who some of these people are or why you should care it is their birthday or maybe I’ll just say something sarcastic about them because I tend to do that. The list changes all the time on the site, so it may have shifted some when you decide to go look at it for yourself to verify my post as I’m sure many of you do immediately after you are done reading.

Nevertheless… HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the following…

1. Matthew McConaughey

I have heard of this dude. As mentioned, I have gone through this list already and Mr. McConaughey should be at the top of this list. There are others on the list that have done more in the film industry, done better in the film industry, and have simply accomplished a lot more in life — but the man is good looking. He is good looking and has that Southern charm that talks girls out of their panties, talks people into voting Republican and has kept him in an acting career. Matt wasn’t in a movie in 2010, but he did just have an excellent cameo appearance on Eastbound & Down. According to IMDB, if you are making a movie in 2011 then it may come as a shock to you, but Matthew McConaughey is in it. Matt hasn’t been in too many movies that I have liked, but that is mostly because he is in a lot of “rom coms”. But I do think he has the ability to bring it given the right cast/crew. Why am I rooting for this guy to get in a good movie? He has lived a more enjoyable life than I have or ever will by 1,000,000 fold. He had sex Penelope Cruz, lived in Australia, partied with Woody Harrelson, named “sexiest man alive” and gave Barbara Walters a foot rub. At best, I may get to visit Australia at some point in my life. And he has done much much more than that. Happy Birthday you naked bongo playing bastard!

2. Ralph Macchio

Yep. Yeeeeeeeeeeeepppp-puh. I’m not saying that Ralph Macchio is still famous enough or has done anything since Karate Kid 3, but I’m not not saying that Karate Kid 1, 2, and 3 doesn’t warrant this position always. Got that? This is a popularity contest in regards to their pages being clicked on or searched for – this makes sense. I mean I’m sure that every hour of every day, there is someone out there watching at least one of the Karate Kid movies and thinks to themselves – what the fuck is Ralph Macchio up to? And then they search his page to see if he is dead or if he has worked in the past 15 years. Also, they most likely are searching to see if he had sex with Elisabeth Shue back when she was young. Honestly, the top of Ralph Macchio’s IMDB page should have in big bold lettering: DOESN’T KNOW MARTIAL ARTS and HAD SEX WITH ELISABETH SHUE.

The first Karate Kid is still unquestionably one of the greatest pieces of art ever crafted by mortal hands. The second Karate Kid is a wild tale that may or may not make less sense than the plot to either Transformers movies featuring Shia La Beouf. The third Karate Kid is dark and scary and sadly not on TV enough.

I’m just saying – Mr. Miyagi tells us that if performed correctly the Crane Kick is unstoppable in the first Karate Kid, but in the second Karate Kid the Crane Kick does not stop the random Asian gang boy he is fighting to the death on that island. So did Daniel-san not perform the Crane Kick correctly or was Mr. Miyagi wrong? Take that debate to your grave, sucka. Happy Birthday you karate kicking JD Salinger!

3. Doris Roberts

Ok? Doris Roberts has been in a lot of great movies and TV shows over the years, so there is a level of credibility that lends itself to #3 on this list. But really? My only gripe is that on the list they have Christmas Vacation under her name to signify what you may remember her from most. Christmas Vacation? Are you shitting me? What about Everybody Loves Raymond!?! I like Christmas Vacation and all, but Everybody Loves Raymond was one of the most popular television shows ever. EVER! Happy Birthday old woman!

4. Gillian Zinser

No clue. She’s cute. She’s a blonde. She’s on 90210. The new one? The old one? In that picture she is wearing almost a fedora, so it could be the old one. Well, she is 2 years younger than me, so it is the new one. Do people watch this show? I call wild shenanigans that this girl is famous at all. Happy Birthday to you good looking blonde who I think may be a prank from IMDB to screw up my post on their list!

5. Jean-Luc Bilodeau

What? Lies! LIES! I’m not saying it isn’t this guy’s birthday, but #5 most popular person to have a birthday today is this guy?! That is crazy talk. CRAZY TALK! Happy Birthday, but there is no fucking way you are more famous than…

6. Sean “P. Diddy” Combs

HELLZ YEAH! FINALLY! Finally! I still call the motherfucker Puff Daddy. I don’t care about Puffy or P. Diddy or Diddy. The man is Puff Daddy. I really don’t know what to say about Puff Daddy outside I love him. There I said it. I love him. Ok? He ran the New York City marathon for the kids. He had a mohawk. He dances like he has epilepsy. He makes fashionable clothes. He had something to do with making the beat for “Bad Boyz 4 Life” which sticks in my head for weeks at a time and puts a swagger in my step. He made a cologne that I used to wear, which made my nostrils dance to the sweet smell of sex and champagne. And basically he’s a crazy black man who I respect due to his creativity and I wish I was apart of it. Happy Birthday kind sir.

7. Ken Kirzinger

Don’t fucking know. Nor do you. He was apart of the “stunts” for the movie Watchmen and he is #7 on this fucking list? I will mark Ken as the beginning of the “This person must be famous on Twitter or something” aspect of this IMDB list. There are some random people in the world who are not famous, but do have fans and have gone above and beyond the call of duty to connect with those fans and that has some garnered them more under the radar fame. I guess I can relate considering I’m offering free tours around the borough of Manhattan. Happy Birthday guy.

8. Kiersten Warren

Well, well, well, we meet again. Kiersten and I were lovers. And by “lovers” I mean I’ve seen Independence Day a ton of times and I read that she was in Independence Day a second ago because I had no clue who she was and I remember in Independence Day, so if that means we are lovers then there you go. She’s also been in other stuff that sadly I have seen *cough-13 Going On 30-cough* and her IMDB picture seems to suggest that if the picture was inch longer there would be some side boob action. Good for you Kiersten. Happy Birthday, I have seen Independence Day at least 20 times.

*sidenote: do you know the trick to remembering if it was Bill Paxton or Bill Pullman as the President in Independence Day? You start by looking it up on IMDB and seeing it was Bill Pullman and then you FUCKING REMEMBER IT because he gave the greatest speech a President has ever given ever. I would go to fight an alien war this minute if Bill Pullman was leading the charge.

9. Justine Waddell

No idea. No idea what The Fall is either. I’m chalking this up as an error by the internet. Happy Birthday clerical error.

10. Denis Simpson

No. No. No. It lists Denis as being an actor from Polka Dot Door. Come on people! Polka Dot Door? I refuse to believe that there is a movie called Polka Dot Door and that people are searching for it on IMDB. Denis doesn’t even have a picture next to his name. I believe that Denis simply searches Polka Dot Door and clicks on his own page, which he created by buying an IMDB Pro account and that is how this travesty happened. Happy Birthday, cheater!

11. Loretta Swift

I didn’t recognize the name, but the picture they had next to her looked like it was from MASH. I have never heard of the movie The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, but I’m taking a guess MASH was a bigger deal. Just a guess. Also, I chose Loretta because she is from Passaic, New Jersey! What what in the butt butt. Am I right? Her family was from Poland and they moved to America and I’m guessing they got to New Jersey and were like, “yeah, it ain’t gettin’ better than this.” Because it isn’t. Happy Birthday, Garden State!

13. Darcy Rose Byrnes

I’m going to start skipping around because seriously I have no clue who most of these people are. I chose Darcy over here because she is/was on a particular television day time soap opera called The Young & The Restless, which I know a ridiculous amount about. My mother has felt the need to torture me through out my childhood and into adulthood by watching this television show. I have always been the conspiracy theorist that my Mom does not watch this show when I’m around and only specifically tunes in if I am. I have spent many sick days from school or lazy days of summer soaking in the sordid tales the people of Genoa City, Wisconsin. That’s fucking right! Those people are from Wisconsin! WISCONSIN! Did that just blow your fucking mind?! Because you should tune in to watch an episode of this show and just be blown away that this is supposedly how people conduct themselves in WISCONSIN!

I’ve never been to Wisconsin, but I know that they live simple lives that focus around one and one thing only – the Green Bay Packers.

Happy Birthday, I won’t blame you for the pain Y&R has caused me, but you’ve been apart of it.

16. Kathy Griffin

Ugh. No. Happy Birthday – aren’t you supposed to be not famous?

17. Alexz Johnson

She is a good looking gal, I’ll give her that. I’m sure her name “Alexz” is misspelled by every person who attempts to spell it. “Z”? Seriously? I’ll let you pass. You all know my feeling about the good looking people of the world. Happy Birthday, Alexzyzyxxwyzxiozxxz.

22. Gig Young

I’m a fan of the name. “Gig” definitely has some personality. It says good ole’ Gig was in the movie They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?, which is a wild and ridiculous movie. Also, I love the title. I’m not sure if people see that title and think “western” because I always do. Nevertheless, Jane Fonda + a dance marathon. Happy Birthday, Gig.

25. Gary Stretch

Also, a great name. Gary Stretch. I bet this guy got a lot of ass in his day just for the name. It sounds manly. It sounds like a guy who really tore it up in high school. All the girls at some point in time hook up with old Stretch. It is a right of passage in these parts. I have no clue who Gary Stretch is, but according to his bio – I AM 100% FUCKING CORRECT that he has had more sex than words in this post. “During the early nineties, Gary Stretch was the glamor-boy of British boxing. His good looks coupled with KO power in his fists ensured he was big box-office. He also made money strutting his stuff on the catwalk as a male model.” Yeah, this guy got laid so much that he probably just walks around with a condom on. Oh man, and he was married to Roselyn Sanchez for several years. Good for you, Gary. I have seen Roselyn Sanchez in person and it isn’t any Avatar CGI that is making her gorgeous in these movies. I think I even wrote a post about it. Go look that up. Happy Birthday, Gary for proving that not only can I judge a book by its cover, but I can judge it by its title and not even need to see the cover.

26. Trishelle Cannatella

The picture is of a girl in bra and panties. Also, I can only think of one Trishelle and that is the chick from Real World Las Vegas. BOOM! It is the same. I don’t know what Trishelle has been up to minus drugs and sex for the past several years of her life, but I do know if you are curious about what she looks like naked then a quick google search should be in your future. Oh Real World. Trishelle also came to my college once. Yep. That’s what my college spent our tuition on – Trishelle. It was actually Trishelle and Landon from Real World Philadelphia. Happy Birthday Trishelle for siphoning some of my education money and providing the world with pictures of you naked.

29. Tabu

She’s from Bollywood and her name is seemingly “taboo”, which is fun to say. Think of it as a nice lemon sorbet for your inner monologue. Tabu. Taboo. Ta-buh-boo. Happy Birthday, I hope I’m pronouncing your name right.

32. Jeff Probst

We all know who Jeff Probst is. We all know this means one thing. The Devil is real and Jeff Probst made a deal with him. Happy Birthday Jeff Probst, I’ll see you in Hell.

34. Fivel Stewart

If you thought the name “Fivel” was weird then get a load of her real name – Trent Heaven Stewart. Fivel’s not looking so bad is it? I’m sure that somewhere the name “Heaven” is unisex, but Trent? Trent?! Her parents do know that she is a girl correct? Who names a girl, Trent? No one and that is why this girl at probably the ripe age of “whenever you can understand your name is a boy’s name and you are in fact a girl” chose a different name. She is only 14 now, so I’m guessing at the age of 4 or so she must have chosen her new name of Fivel based on the mouse movies. Either way, she is apparently well equipped to kick everyone’s asses if they say something about her name being “Fivel” because she is a bad ass martial artist. Good for. Also, her [brother]’s name is BooBoo. Yeah. Fucking Californian parents. Happy Birthday to you Fivel and emancipating yourself from your hippie parents.

38. Bethenny Frankel

I won’t lie. I know exactly who this woman is. I have also watched her television show. Happy Birthday Bethenny, I don’t hate you, but I do hate Rachel Zoe.

39. Marlene Jobert

“Jobert was born in 1940 in Algeria. She studied drama and fine art in Paris, made her acting debut on the stage in 1963…” That’s enough. Marlene Jobert has lived a better life than me right then and there and I’m seeing the Cliff’s notes from 1940 to 1963 of her life. Happy Birthday Marlene, you win.

43. Walter Cronkite

This man being #43 on this is a crime. Not like punishable by death, but a severe penalty of money and short jail time. Happy Birthday Walter hopefully in your old age you never saw your profession bastardized by Fox News.

47. Karina Michel

She’s pretty. Happy Birthday to you being pretty.

50. Will Rogers

This is a crime punishable by death. The Cronkite thing is a fine and a short stint, but WILL fucking ROGERS!

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.”

One of the most quotable human beings ever. And a cowboy. And a humanitarian. Happy Birthday, IMDB doesn’t have any damn sense.




Why did I write this much?


No one is going to read all of this.


22 Responses to “Today Is Your Birthday, Dumb Ass!”

  1. MLF said

    well now I am going to read it all to spite you.

    but that’s what you wanted isn’t it? UGH! STOP PLAYING MIND GAMES WITH ME! I don’t know what to do. if I don’t read it you’re right. if I do read it you still win.


  2. kt said

    You said Fivel Stewarts sister is BooBoo… actually it’s her brother and guess what movie he was in? The Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

    Also today is my dad’s birthday too. I think he is 52? Maybe? I don’t know.

  3. MLF said

    ok. You’re right. I didn’t read it all. but I could read it at any time if the urge struck me so I will just leave you in suspense wondering if I went back and read it all or not.

    there is one thing that cracks me up and I do not understand it at all. why all the hate on fox news? now let me preface this by saying that I do not watch fox news. I do not watch any news- I don’t have cable. But all democrats hate on fox and all republicans hate on CNN and I cannot understand why they have not figured out yet that both companies do not exist to bring you news. that is not what they are about. what they are actually about is making money. these shows exist because people watch them and somehow there is a monetary exchange involved in this process (which baffles me…I get that it’s through commercials but yeah don’t commercial people know that everyone just mutes them anyways? idk. moving on..) so the point is fox exists because republicans want to watch fox and cnn exists because democrats want to watch cnn and both parties hate the other party anyway so I guess they have to hate their news station as well but…these companies exist to make money. I do not think any news station has bastardized walter cronkite too badly because I didn’t know who he was and I still don’t. It’s not like Lindsay Lohan being in jail. which was not a huge shock but I didn’t know about her and then I did…

    I think I’ve lost my point somewhere in there.

    I also apologize on behalf of my generation for loosely comparing walter to lindsay. I’m sorry. there are other people my age out there who are sane and intelligent. don’t judge them too harshly because of me.

    I’m stopping now.

    • Content and biases aside, I can’t stand all the animation Fox News uses. Everything’s spinning and whirring and blinking. If I wanted to see that and risk a seizure, I’d watch Pokemon. (Besides, I hear the new ones are off the chain.)

      • MLF said

        you would hate my LED poi balls then….this is a great sadness to me as I plan to marry and move in with you in 2012.

        I may have forgotten to mention that plan to you earlier but I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you I plan to marry and cohabitate with you relatively soon.

        I will sacrifice my LED poi for you and use my fire poi instead but you may want to put some flame retardent down on the couches or something idk

      • Flashy things have a time and place – being spun around my living room by a scantily clad ladyfriend being one of them. Just not in my news programs.

        I assume in the future where you live with me, we prance around only half dressed most of the time. And we probably hug a lot. And have pillow fights.

      • MLF said

        awesome. I get to keep my poi balls and you get your news program- I get my news from the paper edition of the NY Times and the Wall Street Journal anyway and neither of them flash at all so this should work out perfect.

        also the hugging and half nakedness will be all the time. so that’ll be cool. and the pillow fights too. with all the feathers flying around and clinging to our hair. and bra’s. if we’re wearing any.

        sounds like a good time. our place is gonna be off the chain yo

      • When did our future turn into Jordan’s dreams? INCEPTION!

  4. I read it all. Never underestimate my desire to procrastinate.

    1. I think we can mark the fact that Mr. McConaugheyhey has given Barbara Walters a foot rub as a win in your column. If you disagree, then you have bigger concerns than not being able to fuck Penelope Cruz.

    2. Ralph Maccio lives in the town I grew up in. Or at least he did when I was in High School.

    16. I’m just noticing this now, but you really dislike Kathy Griffin. Interesting.

    Also, my half birthday is in 8 days. Gifts welcome. I hear Fossil watches will get you pretty far in life.

    • MLF said


    • Amy D said

      HA! I have a fossil GC from years ago that is just sitting in my room doing a fine job of passing itself off as a dust ball – I will check to see if it is still good (don’t GC never expire??) and you can have it.

      I would however like to know just how far this would get me. Sneak around 3rd base perhaps? Just curious.

  5. Amy D said

    My birthday is in 10 days! While I have not given Babs a foot rub, fought for anyone’s honor, never been on a soap opera nor am I a cowboy – I do have a picture of me in bra and panties. I figure that is good enough for KSWI and the coven of sisterwives.

  6. MLF said



  7. Crystal said

    Well since we were born on the same day I guess it’s almost my half birthday too. Awesome….

    I didn’t read anything but that part for some reason. Hmmm.

  8. cledbo said

    I am firmly with MLF in the ZOMG 8 DAYS ISN’T ENOUGH camp what with the international postage nonsense and engines falling off Australian airplanes really not helping. But apparently half birthdays are immature, so maybe I’ll just send presents for no reason 😛

    I did read your entire post, even about the people I don’t know some of whom you do know which I found weird. I also found it funny that BooBoo Stewart’s sister’s birthday is today, that she has an equally stupid name, and that I know who BooBoo is. I feel like this is one of those things that should make me want to kill myself, but it doesn’t.

  9. Lala said

    I didn’t read the post but I decided to comment anyway, so that has to count for something, right? Actually, I shouldn’t even be commenting because I’m trying to write a review about a book I didn’t read. Yeah, super fun.

  10. vimax said

    I apologise, but you could not paint little bit more in detail.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: