Happy Monday – Here Is Your Potpourri Of Crazy

November 15, 2010

I watch football.

I think we all know that. I think we all know how much I enjoy the Professional Tackle Football Association of America for the Greatest Most Intelligent Athletes Who Will Be Our Knights of Salvation When a Ground War Against the Armies of the Apocalypse Invade, Go Football (PTFAAGMIAWWBOKSWGWAAAIGF). Sometimes being a fan of football allows me to enjoy life at a whole new level outside of just football. And without further pretense…

I was watching the New York Giants get pretty embarrassed by the Dallas Cowboys Sunday afternoon and THAT(!!!!) appeared on my television screen.

A GIANT METAL and, surprisingly, EVIL and, surprisingly, PATRIOTIC – VAGINA!

At first, I thought that I was being pranked and/or I was hallucinating. I was watching said game with my parents when this frighteningly pornographic image appeared before us. They showed this structure from multiple angles, each one emphasizing how vagina like it is. My parents did not think anything of it. They’re older, so maybe they’re blind or maybe their imagination was robbed of them when they began regularly watching TV shows like The Closer and NCIS. I was waiting for someone to mention that it looked like a vagina and/or mention what war memorial this was.

It was clear from the background shots that it was in New Jersey. But where? Somewhere near enough that the vagina overlooks New York City. The announcers never mentioned what it was or why they were showing it minus that it was a war memorial. I had to know what this was. I opened up my laptop and asked my parents for suggestions to where this memorial could be. I searched war memorials at “liberty state park”, “meadowlands” and neither yielded results… so… I googled –

“war memorial that looks like a vagina”

That’s a BINGO!

http://vigilantcitizen.com/?p=1813

A great article about the worst memorials dedicated to 9/11. Yeah, that’s right! That vagina is in Bayonne, New Jersey and is somehow supposed to commemorate the terrorist attacks on September 11th. You can’t make this shit up people. You simply can’t!

On a less ridiculous note…

I ate breakfast.

It was my standard spread of eggs, bacon and bagel. I thought I would spice it up by kidnapping two dogs, gain their confidence by lulling them into a false sense of security with a comfortable couch for them to lie on and then TAKE THEIR PICTURE! Oh boy, did my plan work to perfection.

But there is one mystery that is beyond the realm of one picture…

There was a third dog all along! This dog was a key component to rounding up the other two dogs and tricking them into the photoshoot. Like the Jews tricked by the Nazis to act as cops to patrol the Jewish ghettos… actually she did nothing. She’s a lazy dog sleeping on a chair. So are the other two. They’re too lazy to get up when pictures are being taken of them. These green couches are like their kryptonite.

Hmmm… what else?

I’ve provided you with a vagina war memorial and dog pictures. I’m currently watching The Running Man and thinking Maria Conchita Alonso looks amazing in this movie. So does Arnold, of course, but Maria is quite a saucy communist Cuban number in this movie.

Speaking of movies,

NEVER SEE “SKYLINE”!!!!!!!!!!

I have seen some dumb movies in my time here on Earth. A lot of dumb movies. I’m sure at some point when I’m standing before God receiving my final judgment, God is going to bring that up. I gave you life and you decided to waste a good chunk of it watching movies  like the sequels to The Crow, the Fantastic Four movies, anything with LL Cool J in it minus Any Given Sunday, those movies about the high school vampires and so on and so on and Sandra Bullock and so on.

God will forgive me for most of those movies. God will not forgive me for seeing Skyline. I will not forgive myself for seeing Skyline. To put it simply, I have never seen a dumber movie than Skyline. The movie is absolutely stupid from the moment you begin watching until the movie abruptly ends with an alien seemingly going to rip the recently inseminated embryo out of the female main character when that alien is stopped and killed by another alien that now has the brain of the male main character, who is her husband and baby daddy, in its head. Yes, none of what I wrote makes sense. And at the same time, it is 100% accurate to the events that take place right before the credits abruptly interfere with WHATEVER THE FUCK that was.

Skyline is infuriatingly dumb.

All the characters are idiots, all the decisions they make are idiotic and the entire “logic” of the movie is built on an uncompromising amount of idiocy. And it is not fun either. Some dumb movies are entertaining because of their stupidity. This movie is angering. It is just so dumb. Too dumb.

Also, what really pisses me off more than anything is that I went to see it, but… what I meant was “what really pisses me off more than anything is” it is a ripoff of Cloverfield. And I HATED Cloverfield. And I somehow saw both of these movies in the theaters.

I would guarantee all the monies that I have earned up until this point in my life plus all the monies I hopefully will earn in the future (which will be a lot obviously because I’m winning the lottery in a couple years) that Skyline was the product of a staff meeting at some movie studio where one executive said they wanted a movie like Cloverfield. They wanted their own vague monster movie that follows a pack of relatively young people and they all die and the whole monster invasion is from their perspective. That movie sucked and so did this one. Not only that, but Skyline is so bad it actually makes Cloverfield seem good.

Thinking back on Cloverfield (which makes my synapses burn with hate) reveals that what I previously thought was stupid was nowhere near as stupid as something could get. I thought stupid was here:

Cloverfield stupidity level <———————————->

… but…

….

..

.

.

..

….

…..

……

…..

….

..

.

Skyline stupidity level <————————->

Also, make note that each level of “…” is the Grand Canyon turned on its ass. I don’t know what that means because that is how stupid I’ve become from seeing Skyline.

Let me ruin, Skyline for you so that you will never see it.

They all die except for the chick main character. She is abducted by the aliens. She is also like two weeks pregnant, but her baby already has a brain and a heartbeat inside her tummy. As you know, that is not possible, which shows how STUPID this movie is. Eric Balfour’s body is dead, but his brain that was for some reason “encoded” with the alien’s “dna” is now in the body of alien and controlling it. I’m guessing that sounds really fucking stupid to you the reader, but guess what? They don’t explain how any of it is possible in the movie so it is actually stupider than you know. Everyone else dies. All of them. Brittany Daniel is dead. Donald Faison is dead. The heavy-set Hispanic detective from Dexter is dead. Also, our military appears to be losing the battle against the aliens. Apparently, the aliens run on human brains. That begs the question how they got here in the first place because all the aliens need our brains to run their alien bodies like Duracell batteries. The aliens can be hit by a nuclear bomb (which does happen in the movie), but everything can be fixed as long as they have enough human brains.

How does this technology work that human brains are just plugged in and that fixes everything like even put out fires on their alien bodies? Ummm… that is never explained. The aliens love brains though. They actually take a tentacle and stick it on our head and then rip our brain plus our spinal column out in one swift motion. There is no blood or anything as well and it all comes out in one nice solid piece for them to just stick in themselves and work. Also, our brains/spinal column glow blue when they are ripped out. Well, that is except for Eric Balfour’s which glows red because he has super powers.

Also, the aliens are afraid of water, but they might not be. It is hypothesized in the movie that the aliens do not like water, but none of that is realized or explained. This is not too disconcerting because they don’t explain anything. Nothing. Like that Hispanic detective from Dexter has a wedding ring on and never mentions that he is married or that he wants to maybe check out how his wife is doing or that maybe she might be worried about him.

Also, Also, Also, I’m pretty sure the aliens have a time control device because everything in the movie seems to only take place over the course of an hour, but in the movie it takes place over the course of 3 days. You’ll watch the aliens invade Los Angeles at 4:30 am, which you know it is 4:30 am because they tell you that on the screen for no reason. The characters wake up as the aliens are first taking people. They get into an argument about what they should do. Eric Balfour and Donald Faison go to the roof and it is sunny out. I’m not entirely exact on how long it took Donald Faison and Eric Balfour to take the stares to the roof of the apartment, but if it is any minute shy of 3 hours then these filmmakers have no fucking clue when the sun rises and how slowly it happens.

So don’t see the movie. And warn others to not see it as well.

Lastly, I saw these pictures on the internet. I’m sure you all have seen them. Actually, I know most of you have because you won’t stop tweeting or facebooking about them. And, I know that you are “squeeing” over the Rob ones, but come on. Bikini body Kristen Stewart? Thank you to whoever hid in the bushes like a pervert to get these pictures.

The gopher looking guy in the foreground was at one time a normal looking fellow, but the sight of the near naked WANT only feet in front of him contorted his face to look rodent like and also snapped his neck and then re-animated him back to life to continue working on the Twilight movie as a rat faced walking undead production assistant.

Kristen Stewart in a bikini — I want it.

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6 Responses to “Happy Monday – Here Is Your Potpourri Of Crazy”

  1. Lala said

    Aww, I love your dogs, they’re super cute.

    You know, I really feel like watching Skyline now. I don’t know why, maybe it is to see if it’s really as bad as you said. But then again I probably won’t watch it.

  2. kt said

    I knew that bikini Kstew pics were gonna make it into today’s post. And with all the planning and all the people that have to approve the designing and building of a war memorial, you think there would be at least one perverted mind that would look at that and say “Hey, that looks like a vagina.” I know I live pretty far down in the gutter, but I know I’m not alone.

  3. SingleStrand said

    Jordan. Dude. After a few months away, I come back to this. And it was soooo worth it. I mean, I’m a girl that can appreciate a vagina (or even just a statue that looks like a vagina). I just shared my vagina with a whole lot of people that I’d never seen before recently so I can understand how Stew just stands there in wet WHITE spandex like showing off her vagina isn’t any big thang. I appreciate it for what it is, much like a man.
    I’ve also just giggled so many times and so loudly reading your Shitline review that I’ve woken the baby. So thanks for that.
    PS I STILL read all your posts in the Seth Rogen voice in my head. After at least two months away. Sorry. Maybe he has really strong thoughts on vaginas like you do and I secretly know this. I dunno.

  4. That is one quaint ass morning you’ve got going there. Did you wake up inside the cover of a Martha Stewart Living magazine or something? With your blue china and your adorable dogs… I sound hostile. It’s because I inhaled a muffin under the soft glow of fluorescent lights this morning, just like I do most mornings. I know, it’s not your fault; but it doesn’t mean I won’t hold it against you.*

    Skyline needed more KStew’s in bikinis. It wouldn’t have made any more sense, but it also wouldn’t have made any less sense.

    As funny as the vagonument is, I’m still senselessly enraged by your adorable dogs and need to get back to work. Shenanigans!

  5. MLF said

    is that a doggy stepladder for the small dog I see in that photo there?

    and if it is, seriously? first of all couches are for people to sit on so there shouldn’t even be animals on them to begin with but secondly if the animals want to sit on the couch then they need to figure out how to get up there themselves.

    am I the only pet nazi out here thinking this?

  6. Iram said

    You are stupid !

    Skyline , This movie is fucking great xD

    You are so fucking stupid XD

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