Four Loko and Harry Potter: Great Combination or GREATEST Combination

November 22, 2010

Happy Motherfucking Monday!

If you know a mother who needs to get fucked then…

Well, fuck her? I don’t know. I need to rethink this motherfucking Monday. It sounds like I’m promoting something that may be legal in other countries, but not in the Americas(!).

How about…

Happy Motherfucking a Milf Monday!

That sounds better. It sounds more like it is your idea now. You have already put it into your brain piece that there is a mother in the world that you would like to fuck and today just happens to be the day that you will go tap dat. Right? As opposed to the idea of fucking a mother being thrust upon you like being motherfucked by this idea and you scrambling about to accomplish today’s specialness by grabbing some unexpected mother and giving her the most random day of at least this November.

So, happy Monday. I’m back. Already talking about fucking mothers, I see.

What did I do this weekend? How kind of you to ask? It is so delightful that you ask all the right questions that need to be asked when I need them to be asked so I can write this post exactly how I planned to write it. That last sentence certainly leads one to believe that I planned ahead of time this “Motherfucking a Milf Monday”. I wonder…

Two things are memorable from this weekend:

1. I drank Four Loko… again.

2. I saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 1

One before 2:

Four Loko

Emma Watson – let’s drink Four Loko together and solve life’s mysteries.

Gifts are gifts are gifts. If someone gives you something then you must accept it. Including herpes and AIDS. Just like herpes and AIDS, Four Loko will make you regret all previous decisions that have lead you up to the point that the Four Loko is about to touch your lips. I did not drink much Four Loko this time around. I shared a can of Four Loko between 4 buddies. This means I drank 1/4th the serving size of a single can of Four Loko and we were still pretty fucked up.

The caffeine, alertness, jitteriness, shakiness and so forth is almost immediate and then sets in even more with every sip you take. It is an awful concoction. It is the dirtiest drunk ever. It is just science and chemicals ruining your body in the purest most potent way. If Four Loko was found in nature then it would be declared poisonous to humanity. The bright color of both the can and drink inside is reminiscent of the bright colors found on the more poisonous frogs and plants in the wild. DON’T TOUCH THESE THINGS… YOU WILL DIE FROM TOUCHING THEM! And that is Four Loko.

It is so bad that it is exciting to drink. It is like deciding to put yourself threw hell for a few hours because it might be fun and certainly is very different than what it is like living life sober. I really cannot wait until this shit is made illegal and I will not have to see it again. Sadly, my friends and I do find crazy things exciting and that means someone buys some of it and then we all feel like we have to drink some.

Nevertheless, before Four Loko’s reign of terror ends. I pray to God there is a string of videos of celebrities and comedians drinking Four Loko and showing the side effects. I would LOVE that.

If Justin Bieber drank Four Loko… he would die.

If George Lopez drank Four Loko… he may actually be funny.

If Kristen Stewart drank Four Loko… you know how Jean Grey goes nuts and become an unstoppable supreme being goddess the Phoenix – well that would happen.

If Chuck Norris drank Four Loko… nothing different. Chuck Norris is immune to all.

I was thinking about what would happen if the Jersey Shore cast drank Four Loko, but I think that is what Ronnie is making in the blender. His Ron Ron juice is Four Loko or at least a sister version of it.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part I


I saw it.

I kept thinking of Jonah Hill’s line in Funny People while watching the movie:

“Hey. I saw the new Harry Potter movie. Harry’s getting old. He’s, like, older than my dad. They should call him Harold Potter. That Hermione’s got some big, old tit-ties.”

Here is my ****spoiler free**** review:

It was good. The movie looks great. David Yates has done a great job ushering in this second half of the series of movies as far as looks go. The movie does feel epic. The movie itself is just well made as the others have been. I enjoyed the movie and didn’t dislike it as a whole. Truthfully, I thought this was the weakest of the movies since the original. I really can’t imagine re-watching this movie ever. I have re-watched the others, minus the first, several times and even really like some of the movies like the third movie. I’ve seen the third a bunch of times. And the second half of the fourth is great as well. But I really can’t imagine wanting to sit through this again. It wasn’t bad and I was never bored and I found it enjoyable, but at the same time I really didn’t love it.

I’m still looking forward to Part 2 of the longest movie title ever. I’m guessing that is where they have hidden away all the action scenes. Whoops, spoiler! There are really no action scenes in this movie. I’m pretty sure we all knew that already.

Anyway… so here are my ****SPOILER**** related thoughts. I will say that my thoughts really aren’t too ****SPOILER**** related if you have read the books or couldn’t give a flying fuck because I don’t think I’m going to “spoil” anything. Anyway… ****SPOILERS!****:

*****

****

***

**

*

Is it safe?

This movie was the most British movie ever. It was so fucking British. It was so British that I should have been given a cup of tea, had to kiss the ring of the Queen of England, refer to cops as “bobbies”, thought/think Oasis is the greatest band ever, play cricket, and all that stuff. Oh man, it was so British. It was so British that I should have rooted for a soccer team that is a perennial favorite and instead embarrassed themselves on an international stage as opposed to cheering for a team that endeared themselves to all the nations of the world through their spirit and will to win.

Ugh, it was so BRITISH. It was the most English, British, United Kingdomish thing ever. I’ve never watched the other Harry Potter’s and thought, “Man, could this get anymore British?” until this past Saturday. All the mellow drama, all the effeminate flair, all the sniveling. What the hell happened?

The first Harry Potter movie was like a Disney’s made-for-TV-movie. It’s budget appeared to be pretty minimal and it was insanely kiddish. Not the Kiddish, but “kid-d-ish” aka kid-like. Is that what “kiddish” is? Or is it translating the Kiddish for me? Whatever. I felt like a pedophile the entire time I watched the first Harry Potter. I don’t know what is on the Disney channel, but watching its after school programming was like watching the first Harry Potter to me. But I sat through it because everyone told me that at some point it gets more adult.

The adultness reached its soap opera peak in this movie. I have never read any of these books and I really don’t want to. Also, I’m a little tired of hearing people parade around that they read the Harry Potter books as if that was a greater task to read those books than any other series of books that were then turned into movies. I get it. You read them. The movies are different. It happens! Nevertheless, I’m grading the movies on the movies, not what happened or could have happened in the annals of Potter.

The Horcruxes are good movie kryptonite.

Holy fuck. Who cares about these damn horcruxes? I don’t. This is hands down the least interesting storyline in this movie series. What was once a movie series dedicated to kids learning magic and fighting evil wizards, has now turned into a glorified Easter egg hunt. Oh man, just find them you stupid kids. I hate the horcruxes! I hate them! Fight someone you stupid kids! Ugh, and the horcruxes are lame as shit!

A fucking locket? That’s what I’m supposed to be afraid of? A locket. I hate that locket. I hate that 2 hours of this film is dedicated to a stupid locket. And this whole locket nonsense couldn’t be a bigger ripoff of Lord of the Rings. So when one wears the “locket” they start thinking bad shit and get all sleepy eyed and turn on their friends? Wonder where I have seen that. But, why the fuck do they need to wear the locket?!!!! Answer me that you nosy kids.

In the movie, there is no explanation on literally why they have to wear the locket. At all. Keep it in your pocket you brats. But Hermione, that sweet beautiful and smart piece of ass, does suggest that they take turns wearing the locket because she notices Harry gets all emo when he wears it for too long. Great idea, Hermione! Literally, that is the best idea ever. She is so beautiful and talented and logical and I bet her hair smells like a spicy vanilla and I bet that when she smiles puppies are born. But there is a problem. Just like the brilliance that was the “No Child Left Behind” act, there was never the proper funding for it. So, Hermione suggests they take turns wearing the locket and instead of doing that they just dump it on Ron. Then Ron gets crazy emo, like he is the lead singer of Dashboard Confessional emo and thinks that Harry is trying to steal Hermione from him. Of course, this is false. But instead of taking the locket off and waiting 20 minutes to become level headed – he decides to just storm off and make an ass out of himself.

These are what my dreams look like^^^^ including the creeps in the masks.

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT!

Ron leaves, leaving Harry and Hermione together. And what happens immediately after he leaves – HARRY TRIES TO STEAL HERMIONE FROM HIM! Harry does this by being the bestest gay bffffff ever by turning on his old transistor radio to a Nick Cave song and then dancing gayly with her in the tent. SO BRITISH! AHHHHHH!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED THAT MADE THIS MOVIE SO BRITISH!?!

Fuck you, Harry Potter. Your boy, Ron, decides to wear a locket for no reason and he “wrongly” thinks you are going to steal his girl, but in fact you are trying to steal his girl. Also, you’re fucking the dude’s sister! I hate Harry Potter. What a piece of shit this kid is. He is this weak willed, emo, “tart” who is off sleeping with his best friend’s barely pubescent younger sister and he is trying to steal that same best friend’s girlfriend. What the eff? Fuck this kid. The only thing keeping me from becoming 100% pro Voldemort is him not having a nose… oh and Hermione.

Also, every plan that is conceived of in this movie fails… FAILS… immediately. Hey, let’s dress up Harry as a woman or a few women and we’ll all go in separate directions and FAIL. They hatch a lot of schemes in this movie and none of them work. It was like Deep Impact the non-porn one. Every time, they thought of a new plan to destroy that asteroid headed for Earth it never worked. And in the end, everyone dies and Elijah Wood out runs a Tsunami wave on a dirt bike.

Also, Also, all the racism of the muggle and magic user stuff was just off putting more than anything. We get it – you are bad guys. You want to take over the world with your evilness. You don’t have to be racist as well. That’s just un-needed. Wanting to take over the world? Sure. I get that. Wanting to kill Harry Potter? Sure. I get that. That kid is fucking annoying nowadays. But getting all uppity about blood purity and so forth? Just uncalled for. Maybe they don’t need a wizard duel as much as they need a Civil Rights march.

Oh man, now I am really thinking about the beginning of the movie. SO BRITISH! Snape in his cape and robes flying in and with a dramatic flick of his wrist he turns the gate into black smoke so he can walk through and then it turns back. Oh my, how fantabulous. Then these evil racist kid killers are in fact dignified enough to have a little government structure and table and they are nominated for tasks and are voted on those nominations. A mini-evil Parliament with Prime Minister Voldemort. BRITISH!

Lastly, isn’t “Deathly Hallows” a little much for a wand, stone and a cape? How about Harry Potter and the Magical Chotchkies. That sounds better.

****SPOILERS OVER****

So, I did like the movie, but wasn’t too into it. They really are setting up the last one to be an all out action movie and I hope it is because there is no action in this movie. When I decide to spend 2 and half hours watching kids do magic tricks and instead I get a BBC soap opera – I feel a little disappointed.

Harry Potter and Hollyoaks is more like it. AM I RIGHT?

But, wow… Emma Watson folks.

I’m surprised Ron even gives a fuck about this wizard bullshit. I would just take Hermione far away from all of that and just be happy. Why risk your life for glasses over there when you already have the hot chick? Not really sure what he’s doing. I mean Han Solo still had to go and get Princess Leia. Hermione is already there. Right? Anyway… priorities I suppose.

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32 Responses to “Four Loko and Harry Potter: Great Combination or GREATEST Combination”

  1. MLF said

    before I finish reading- enjoy this video made by some of my charming roomates. Don’t worry- they still have three cases of four loko left. I don’t know how much four loko that is but I know it is a lot. there are four beers to one can…so…yeah.

  2. PWG said

    Where’s CampbellD? Paging CampbellD. Wake up, Aussie, this is your post. I thought we were going to get some Steelers chatter or Jordan would fly somewhere this weekend and look suspicious so he could write about TSA groping, but it’s all you, man, run with it.

  3. kt said

    God she is so pretty. Is it possible that she actually got prettier when she chopped her hair off, because I think she might have.

  4. PWG said

    Friday question, for the Friday post we’re most certainly not going to have: “Why are you so popular with Indian men of the lonely persuasion, Kay Swidge?”

    And really, what are they expecting to get out of that? “Hi, I’m Mahesh, a lonely Indian man who would like to fuck you, please e-mail me.” Well, okay then, sport, lets strike up an e-mail friendship and then fly to Vegas to have some of this sex you’re looking for. Is that the outcome he’s envisioning? Has anyone anywhere ever besides Viagra web bots sincerely replied to a comment like that with a Hell Yeah!!?

    • I love what the comments of that post have devolved to. And for comments to go downhill around these parts is a pretty serious accomplishment.

      Let’s all laugh at those losers for hitting on people anonymously via blog comments. I mean, REALLY!?!?! WHO DOES THAT!?

      • MLF said

        Oh my. This made me LOL quite hard indeed. shall we speak british for the rest of the day?

      • PWG said

        I know, right? If the comment said, “Jordan, up until now I’ve been a straight man, but I would go gay for you,” I’d buy it. If it said, “HB, we may live hemispheres apart, but I’ve seen your penmanship and it brought me to my knees,” again, seconded. But these seem to be anonymous cries to the universe for sex, and I think the universe pretty much ignores those. Specificity is the key to personalized rejection.

  5. MLF said

    omg. now I have read the whole thing, and can I just say

    ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED? I mean really jordan. I have been reading your words for a year now and have sometimes considered you of above average intelligence but now I may have to rethink that.

    1- I’m sorry, but no matter how you slice it, these are the film interpretations of books which have already been written. and I’m not sure if you knew this, but the books are brittish. very brittish. quite, quite brittish. I mean I’m not sure if anyone told you since you haven’t read the books and have said you don’t want to hear anything about the books, but the books are brittish. I’m sorry. I’m sorry if this killed it for you but that’s just the way it is. the brittish way.

    2- All I will say about the action is that if you had read the books you would understand. but since you haven’t and you already told me you don’t wanna hear about them then I will just say tough shit. They had to split a book into two. you know the structure of a book? introduce characters, plot, tension builds, tension really builds, KABLAM!- climax, tension resolution, ect.? ok. now take that book and split it in half before the KABLAM part. what the eff are you left with? and also if you are looking for real action you should probably go watch a real action movie. because harry potter could not or should not ever be considered action. that is like considering Teletubbies a thriller.

    3- This isn’t really related to your review at all but honestly it cracks me up when people who haven’t read the books see the movie, are told that the books are a TRILLION times better, and then are like, nahhhh I’m not reading THOSE. ohhhhh kay? but but but…WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT IN WATCHING THE SHITTY ASS MOVIES THEN?? ok, sure they are decent, but why stick with decent when you could have amazing? that just seems idiotic. the only time it makes sense to me is people who hate to read. but I know for a fact you don’t therefore I’m just going to consider you an idiot.

    4- the whole idea of you grading the movie based on the movie and not the books is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. yes that’s nice. you’re grading it based on what it is. and what it is is a movie made directly from the pages of a book. Now there are cases of movies being made from books where they are not the same and even have different endings etc. and that is fine. but that is not what these are.

    5- if you had read the books you would know the racism is not really about racism but again, you didn’t, so you can just stay uninformed.

    ok I think I’ve sufficiently torn apart your review. remember that time you reviewed New Moon and everyone was like WTF???!?!?

    well I don’t think that will happen again because only like four people read this now but if more people did then I would hope that they would all comment and be like WTFF?!??!?!? because really

    WTF??!?!???

    • PWG said

      “Well I don’t think that will happen again because only like four people read this now . . .” I think you missed the jugular by a hair there.

      I’ve started not reading movie reviews until I’ve already seen the movie. Sometimes that means I see shitty movies, it’s true. But I tend to like them more if I’m not on the lookout for the parts other people think are crappy. I usually go to movies alone, too, even when they’re not vampire-based. Then I read the reviews afterward and try to find the reviewer who most agreed with me on the strong/weak points. I figure someday I’ll find one I can trust ahead of time. So far James Berardinelli and I are mostly simpatico.

      But he hardly ever bases his reviews on how much he thinks I’d like to sleep with the lead actor, so it’s never going to be a perfect system. Take Predators, I saw that this weekend. All the reviews afterward, “Blah blah blah, better than any other Predator sequel, blah blah blah Mexican and black actors always get killed first blah blah blah.” Not a lot of, “For those of you who like Alan Rickman’s diction, Adrien Brody does this gravelly voice thing in the movie, barely wears a shirt and looks decently ripped for a naturally skinny dude. Seems doable, four stars.”

      • MLF said

        exactly. he mentioned nothing about daniel stripping down to boxer briefs!!

        haha. no but really, don’t be confused. Jordan LOVES it when I’m mean to him, it’s like his favorite thing. plus maybe I was hoping a bunch of people would comment to prove me wrong? lol yeah idk I tried.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        “Loves” is not the word I would choose, but to each their own.

        Also, it is difficult to take your “opinion” seriously from the other long comment considering you said last week that you walked out of almost every HP movie except for the first couple.

      • ” Jordan LOVES it when I’m mean to him, it’s like his favorite thing.”

        Another Friday question… how long have you been into the whole S&M schtick, Jordan?

      • MLF said

        wrong again jordo. I’ve walked out of *every* harry potter movie with the exception of the third but I still didn’t watch the third. I was busy doing other things that teenagers do when they tell their parents they are watching a movie, ahem.

        but yeah. I never said in my comment whether I liked the movie or not, that is neither here or there. I was simply pointing out how lame your opinions of it were. see the difference? or rather, I was pointing out some of the things you complained about are retarded things to complain about. is this making sense? let me just simply this: no matter what I or any of the rest of us say, your go-to response should always just be, “yes.” or “you’re absolutely right my lovely wi(fe/ves)”

      • MLF said

        I also imagine it would be “difficult to take my ‘opinion’ seriously” considering I spelled british wrong about fifty times, but don’t let it throw you. besides, that which we call a rose, and other shiz.

  6. I still haven’t had Four Loko. The more awful things you have to say about it, the more I want to try it. I feel panicked because I’m running out of time…

    I haven’t seen Harry Potter yet. I’m going Tuesday. I might be the last living breathing organism on this planet to see it.

    Speaking of living breathing organisms, there is no way in hell that Emma Watson and I are the same species. It’s not possible that we’re both made of the same meaty bony hairy things that make up all humans. I’d almost feel better knowing she were made in a lab somewhere because I’d feel less gypped that my DNA combination only turned out “pretty ok as far as some people are concerned” instead of “mindbottlingly nuclear hotness that shouldn’t exist naturally in nature”. I did like her better with long hair, though.

    • PWG said

      Plus she’s smart, humble, and seems to possess a fine sense of humor. With a British accent. More power to her, bitches loving bitches and all that. She looks like Mena Suvari in the top picture.

      Wait a second, you have all the qualities I listed too, except for the accent. Can you do accents? Try saying, “Oh no, I couldn’t possibly have a row with you.”

      • MLF said

        omg if you can speak brittish…ima wife you up soooo fast girl

      • I might be able to pull off “chimney sweep” or “19th century street urchin”. But then I’d just sound ripe-for-plague-British instead of off-to-the-gala-British. So I wouldn’t be doing anyone any favors.

      • cledbo said

        Now I have an image of HB as Eliza Dolittle wearing panda ears on her cockney flower girl hat, unable to pronounce her haitches properly. The reeeeeein in Speeeeein falls meeeinly on the pleeeeeein.

    • Amy D said

      They banned Four Loko in my state last week. Never had the urge to try it…

  7. MLF said

    Jordan you made me so angry you *almost* distracted me from leaving my opinion about emma: she’s ugly.

    HAHA. just kidding. I just said that to try and find out of if I could bring our aussie friend out of hiding. oh well. it was worth a shot.

    she’s def. hot. I liked her better with hair too HB.

  8. PWG said

    A proper review:

    Even though this movie lacks much screen time for people PWG would hit, would hit so hard, Severus Snape does appear in it for about five minutes and it IS a speaking part. The Just For Men black wig does not render Mr. Rickman less hittable.

    Fred and George Weasley are inexplicably attractive characters – funny, tall, brave and disinclined to follow silly rules, one or the other of them maturely manages not to give Harry shit for kissing his sister. Harry remains stubbornly asexual despite labored (laboured) attempts to cast him in a love triangle.

    Pretty much everyone wanted the movies to go straight from Book 6 right to the end of Book 7. If you had read the last book you’d know that nothing much happens for 50% of it, either. But you have to slog through the expository stuff and touch on the killing-off of characters and so on before you can get to the good stuff: Hogwarts Armageddon. I’m totally okay with that, and someday I’ll probably own the DVDs for the last two movies & watch them straight through.

    I’m studiously ignoring the mother fucking opening of the post. I know you have to have one of those concepts in order to get to the other, but I’ve never been a fan of mentally combining the fucking the the mothering in one thought process. Thanks for nothing, American Pie.

    • MLF said

      Bravo *clapping*

    • MLF said

      also, WHAT is it about him that is hittable?? I do not understand. My friends mom has been saying the same thing since he was cast and I’m just like… 0_o ???

      • PWG said

        I’ll just have to direct you here, because it partially answers the question and makes me giggle. I can’t speak for anyone else, but he plays the kind of villain you kind of want to beat the good guy. Plus the accent and diction. I’m a whore for accent and diction.

      • MLF said

        hmmm..funny site but I still don’t really get it. the diction I get. I too love a man who gives good diction.

  9. kt said

    Oh did anyone else see Neville and go “HOLY SHIT SHITBALLS!?” Cause I did. I’m positive the only reason I recognized him was because my friend had already seen it and told me to look out for him.

  10. cledbo said

    I care not for these movies. Don’t kill me! I saw the first one when I was on schoolies (aka end of Year 12 booze-cruise) and really haven’t paid attention since.

    I agree with HB that Emma Watson is clearly not human, and is perhaps instead the same kind of mutant that Natasha Henstridge was in that movie Species. Soon, she will transform and kill us all! Enjoy the view while you can, CamboD…

    • MLF said

      cledbo it seems as if you are the lone aussie reader now. no pressure! but don’t disappear because I couldn’t survive an outback search party

      • cledbo said

        Hopefully the tyranny that is real life doesn’t make an actual, bona fide outback search party necessary next year. I’m not joking, my work is making me go into the wilderness where more than one backpacker has been kidnapped and murdered, let alone all the snakes and scorpions and wild dogs and crocodiles that will bite your face off.

        Why do I work for these people again?

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