This Made It Official: Twilight Is Stupid

November 30, 2010

Boom.

There it is.

The most lackluster bullshit I have ever seen.

Ever.

As you may be able to guess, I am dramatically typing this really slowly because to really make the point of how stupid this is.

Not that I ever thought Twilight was particularly smart, but I get vampires. I’ve heard of them. They have fangs and such. They move quickly and are strong. They feed on blood, generally human blood. They are all emo and such. They like techno music. They dig electronic jams. They like leather. Rescind that – they LOVE leather. All the leather. Leather pants, shoes, boots, belts, shirts, hats. They’re real old, which usually results in them being well-read. They don’t like sunlight and all that jazz. So I get that part of Twilight. I get liking vampires. I like Blade. I’ve seen the other two Blades. I’ve seen and read Bram Stoker’s Dracula. I’ve sat through Queen of the Damned. I’ve done my part in this Underworld shenanigans. So I get it.

There are werewolves in Twilight as well. I get them; I’ve heard of them. They’re big like Arnold Schwarzenegger in the pre-politics. They’re hairy like ZZ Top. They’re fast and strong like the Reverend Raven Raymond Lewis. But sometimes they are smooth and hairless like a teen boy. And other times they’re good at basketball and boxing. You know, that all makes sense to me. I get the draw.

There are good looking chicks in Twilight. I get that. I understand why we all like good looking chicks. They smell nice and are soft and their skin looks like it would be pleasant to touch. They giggle and laugh and smile and everything they do is endearing. They look cute wearing their clothes or silly clothes or serious clothes or too big clothes or too small clothes or my clothes or no clothes. And spending your time imagining what sexy time with them is like is really time well spent.

But…

This is stupid.

Real stupid.

Really stupid.

So stupid.

At first, I thought this was a joke. Not a funny joke or even a thinker joke, but just a joke. I saw that director Bill Condon of this new Twilight decided to tweet a picture from the movie Breaking Dawn. I like movies and I run a website with an oddly invested interest in these particular movies, so I thought with 24 hours in a day I could spend a second or two looking at this picture. And then I saw the picture.

This picture. Oh boy do I hate this picture.

At first again, I had no idea what the fuck was going in this picture. I clicked on the picture expecting the picture to blow up to reveal the rest of the picture like this was a thumbnail preview to a much bigger picture that actually had something going on in it. But there wasn’t. It was just a bigger version of half an arm holding what appears to be feathers. This is when my brain kicked in:

Why feathers?

Why just a hand?

Feathers? Hmmm… what has feathers? Chickens obviously. Birds. Most birds, if not all birds I guess. Hmmm… feathers? Well, the book has super powered vampires and werewolves and maybe some other things, so what has feathers? Angels? Angels have feathers. Feathered white wings. Is that Kristen Stewart’s hand holding the feathers from an angel who is now in the book? I don’t know. Why does it even have to be that grandiose? Let’s go back to those chickens. Maybe she fights a chicken. Or maybe she catches Fake-Rob eating chickens. I mean eating them when they’re alive with the blood and such and feathers flying. Not like how I eat chicken in the grilled or fried variety from the grocery store.

Feathers?

Half an arm?

Then I decided to read the description of the picture from the movie website. And it explains that this is actually Kristen’s hand holding the feathers from seemingly busted pillows because having honeymoon sex with a vampire results in some pillow biting and/or tearing from how rough the sex is.

I hate this stupid movie and book series.

That is so stupid.

This picture is not hot.

Not romantic.

Not sexual.

Not sensual.

Not nipple hardening.

Or anything else hardening.

Not titillating.

It is just stupid.

If any other movie showed a still photo like this with nothing happening and it all being left up to the imagination of the person to fill in all the details and I mean ALL the details because absolutely nothing is being shown or happening in this picture then that movie would be absolutely LAUGHED at.

But because this is Twilight, I could basically hear the orgasms through my twitter timeline.

All this is is a picture of a hand holding a couple feathers. For everyone to fill in that this picture is hot because that meant a few minutes earlier in a world we do not see that two people who are not pictured were having sex that was not even described is just ridiculous.

You could literally do that about any picture ever…

Oh shit! Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

LOOK HOW FUCKING HOT THAT IS!

OMG! I’m fucking sweating this is so fucking hot! This is the sexiest shit ever. As you all know that jar full of homemade chocolate chip cookies is a metaphor for all the hot sex that the two main characters had. That man’s hand is of course from our protagonist Steve the alien space ninja from the future who has traveled the galaxy for a 1000 years looking for his one true love. That one true love is of course Whitney the average clumsy high school girl who just so happened to meet Steve when she almost hit him with her car during her driver’s test. Since then the two have had a wild tale of improbable sexual frustration until last Tuesday. That last Tuesday, Steve and Whitney had so much bed breaking sex. Like all the sex. And with the very hands that Whitney used to sex up Steve’s future alien ninja body and penises, she used those same hands to makes these cookies. The same hands that squeezed and stroked that … cookie dough was also on Steve’s naked ninja future alien body. And Whitney made sure to make a cookie for each and every time Steve drove Whitney to climax with his multiple ninja penis alien future hands. And now Steve is reaching into that cookie jar and taking Whitney’s cookies and take them to his lips to eat just like he did to Whitney’s… And it is just the fucking sexiest hottest most amazing orgasmic crazy wild hot sexy fuck sexy hot want naked nude nothing happening it’s feathers and a hand sexy fuck hot naked Steve alien ninja penis orgasm Whitney’s cookie jar and this is the end of my post.

🙂

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21 Responses to “This Made It Official: Twilight Is Stupid”

  1. tiffanized said

    I don’t know which I want more: for people to explain the significance of this picture–which I’m sure most of the regular common taters, including myself, know all too well–or for no one to explain it at all. I’m subscribing to comments to see how this plays out.

  2. This might be one of the best things you’ve written in a while. Especially that Steve-Whitney erotica at the end there.

    The fourth book was by far the worst book with the most ridiculous plot points, so really it can only go downhill from this feather business. I actually missed the initial tweeting of that picture, but in catching the orgasmic aftershocks, I saw some people complaining that it wasn’t quite accurate enough because there were no bruises. I guess you have to give these people some credit, though. After all those leaked pictures of Rob and Kristen swimming in their undies and they still lose their shit over a hand and some feathers? I’m impressed. A little disturbed, too… But impressed.

  3. MLF said

    I’m with Tiff. initially I started to explain it and then thought…why. Why explain it because even after you will still think twilight is stupid and I will just be frustrated that my explanation changed nothing when really the problem here is that you’re just a man. You’re not supposed to “get” Twilight. I’m going to assume out of the five people that read this website that none of them are going to explain it to you and that is fine because even if we did explain it it wouldn’t matter. I am curious however that you like some of what I would call the dumbest shit in existence (cosplay…video games…MMA…I can go on forever. because I am a woman and all that “man” shit you like is dumb. to me.) yet find this picture dumb. I’m just not sure what is dumb about it…it is a screen cap teaser for a movie that millions of people (albeit largely women) love. so I get that you think twilight is stupid but I guess I don’t understand what’s so bad about the actual picture itself. As the daughter of a photographer I find the photo asthetically pleasing, a pleasant composition. I think maybe you’re just asking too much out of a photograph.

  4. kt said

    As soon as I saw the picture I knew what the gist of the post would be and I immediately decided I wouldn’t be the one to explain. I will say I was one of those stupid girls that got all excited about it. I don’t understand why I (still) have these sort of reactions about this stupid book and movie series.

  5. I’m confused. Maybe I’m just simple, but… There’s a lot of “NOT IT!” happening here in the comments, and I’m not sure why. He said he knows it’s from vampire-on-human honeymoon sex. What else is there left to explain?

  6. Penelope said

    Oooh! Me! Me! I’ll explain! So, you know about the big c0ck/b0x blocking fade to black in the honeymoon of Breaking Dawn, correct? Well, there was a big block going on (didn’t feel like retyping with zeros). Fade to black. Due to the Mormonness of Steph Meyer, I’m guessing.

    But she did have the next morning Bella wake up in a bed with feathers. And she’s all blissed out and bruised, apparently. And her first words (post-virginity loss) are “Feathers? Why am I covered in feathers?” Paraphrasing. And it was due, we find out, to Edward tearing apart pillows. I know! He’s a pillow-biter! Do you think Steph knows what that refers to?

    So there it is. The importance of feathers.

    And btw, I’m with MLF on a lot of things, except she forgot Kim Kardashian. Having said that, I do enjoy reading this blog a lot. But I’m a woman and just sort of naturally give a lot of people passes when they want to talk about their stupid shit. Comes with the territory.

    I don’t feel the need to really defend Twilight or why I like it to a mystifying degree or any of that. I realize I’m waffling to an alarming degree. Bash it, don’t bash it. I don’t care. I love it and at the same time realize that aspects of it are incredibly stupid. Kind of like I’m guessing the host here feels about Kim Kardashian.

    • Amy D said

      Ha! I love the fade to black; sex is just sooo taboo for the teens this book was aimed at. ?? Not sure what teens are doing in SM’s neck of the woods, but they are porning in Seattle.

      And really, bruises are so much better. Because no matter what those pamphlets tell you – love does hurt. Ask Bella.

      Thank the Lord for fanfic…

    • Lala said

      Good thing somebody explained everything.

  7. PWG said

    The first thing that picture made me think of is the television reporter who was caught on camera saying, “Keep fucking that chicken.” I may have to look that up and post it.

    The second thing it made me think of is that Stephenie Meyers needs to either get out more or hang out with the trashy uncouth people I know. Because “pillow biter” is a euphemism/slur for gay men. Okay? I don’t use that term, I don’t think it’s cool, but if someone calls someone else a pillow biter I do know immediately what they’re talking about. To make a character in the Twilight series a pillow biter, completely unironically, just made me lose my shit laughing when I read it. Especially because in my mind the character is relatively gay already. “Oh, STOP, Bella, get off me already, you whore. For, um, your own safety.”

    Also, in case you’re not aware of the technicalities of Internet Stranger Love, every awesome post you put up renews my platonic Internet Stranger Love for you by 365 days. You’re safe to post only crap for a year, I’m telling you, based on the fabulousness of today’s post.

  8. cledbo said

    Thank you Jordan, you made my whole damn day.

    I too think the feathers are stupid, despite knowing the ‘why’ behind it.
    Sex on the beach? Sex in the ocean? Sex on a big honeymoon-cottage on a private island? All cool with me. Feathers equalling orgasms? Ok now you lost me.

    Breaking Dawn is the craziest most tripped out piece of fiction I’ve ever read, and I’ve read Philip K. Dick.

    Also the smiley at the end of your post make you seem even more like a creeper after your little piece of sci-fi erotica. So, well done on that.

    • cledbo said

      That was meant to be honeymoon-cottage *bed*.

      Duh.

      The ability to edit comments would be really helpful, though my ability to form a coherent sentence would probably be better.

  9. cledbo said

    Another thought I forgot to mention because, you know, it’s before noon and I haven’t really awoken yet:

    The Twilight Saga could potentially have turned out *less* stupid with the introduction of angels, particularly if it had been instead of human-vampire hybrid babies who werewolves inexplicably fall in love with. I will never stop WTF-ing over that.

  10. Freya said

    Alien erotica? Cold shower time for me…

  11. Lala said

    I thought the picture was meh. But I thought the last book was meh too, so that makes sense.
    And I don’t know if I should put an * here, but I just made cookies. I mean, real actual cookies out of the oven.

  12. paige said

    Read the fucking books and you’d understand the director is smart it gets people who READ (specifically the books) excited…. not hard to sit on your ass (which most of us, especially us Americans, are famous for) and get the book (place called a library) and READ!! you know that thing we/most of us all learned in 1st grade you know WAAAy back when

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