KSWI Guest Blogger Wednesday: Cledbo Edition Part Deux

December 1, 2010

Editor’s note: A guest post! It is a miracle! Two weeks in a row! See how fun these are? Someone else should do one as well. All it takes is an email to jordankswi@gmail.com . It is so simple. If that happens will be on a “guest post hot streak”. From there, who knows? Maybe we could make the “guest post playoffs”. Maybe. Thank you so much to Cledbo for writing a second guest post. This post is very special to me as it is rooted in the love found over the internet between ladies who have maintained a faux Mormon-like multiple wife bond to myself, which is exactly what my high school guidance counselor thought I had the ability to achieve in life. Thank you again to Cledbo and words and pictures.

Haha! Told you I’d get around to it one day. Mainly this day where I am relatively bored at work and completely unmotivated to come up with a remote area safety strategy, or to practice my boring-ass presentation alone in a meeting room again.

A proposition: If I had a whole shitload more money than I do now, and had a weird desire to see rather a lot of America whilst also indulging a particular dream of mine, what would I get?

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Yeeeeessssssssss. The mother of all KSWI insane-brain-bred road trips. In the interests of some level of internet confidentiality, I will not reveal which delightful common-taters live at each point on the Map of Destiny, suffice to say that, yes, I know where most of you live. It’s your own fault, really.

This Trip of Epicness starts in LA, but could just as easily start in San Fran, though LA is a cheaper flight from Sydney. Both are equally heinous in length and discomfort levels, so on arrival in Cali, I expect I would be most annoyed (and that’s even before an airport worker tries to feel me up and ends up with a broken nose). Next would come a 20 hour drive north to Washington State – I haven’t decided what season this King Among Stupid Ideas would take place, but I hope it wouldn’t be too cold or gross. Whilst in Washington, I will make a point NOT to visit a place named after cutlery (more on this later) but instead enjoy the hospitality of feisty wife #1, she of the most amusing gravatars going. Speaking of Washington, do you people have any idea how bizarre your country looks from above? I have access to Google Earth Privacy Invader v2.0 and I found this:

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I probably shouldn’t poke too much fun at you crazy kids though. My country has some weird-ass backyard too. So after visiting one sister-wife, hopefully getting royally plastered in the process, and driving through quiltsville, we come another 2,000+ km (sorry for the metric system, but I just can’t think in miles. What the hell is a mile anyway? Kms are easy – and 2,000 is a lot of them) east and then south down to Colorado. Home, I understand it, of mountains, South Park, Denver, and unspoilt wilderness. I always thought it was further north, because it looks so damn cold. So I learnt something already. Also I know we came through Idaho, Montana and Wyoming to get to the next sisterwife-stop, but other than a town called not one, not two, but THREE Forks (take that, Washington), there’s not much to see. Unless some lurking sisterwife wants to claim a residence in one of these three rural/forest filled states? No? Oh well.

COLORADO. Yeahhh. This sisterwife I know will put on a good showing for her Australian pal, won’t you? She’ll show me around her town which is near but not in Denver, hopefully not misplacing her children or her wicked sense of humour in the process.

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Dear lord the US is a big place. Next, another 14 hour drive takes us further into the south, to Dallas TX. My mum’s been to Waco, and said the big hair and pageant makeup really freaked her out. I expect to be similarly freaked, but also delighted by accents and open embrace of the second amendment. Not by my next sisterwife, necessarily, though that would be cool too. She will look fabulous, and show me the modern Texas is more than just a football team that even I know is sub-par these days. What is that sparkly ball thing about? I’m also amused that one of the ‘attractions’ of Dallas is that JFK got shot there, which is apparently supposed to be something you proclaim to people to encourage them to visit your city. O…kay….

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After partying hardy in the Lone Star State, we continue on through the home of the sexiest vampire ever, the state everyone uses to ensure their seconds are the right length when they’re counting, and the state where the Top Gear crew got attacked by rednecks and nearly killed (good times), finally coming to the home of yours and our biggest Four Loko fan in Orlando. I can’t remember if I’ve actually been here before – did I go to DisneyLand or DisneyWorld when I was little? Which one is where anyway? I’m sure I could google it but I’m dying at this stage in our Saga of the Crazy People. I do know that Epcot is in Orlando, and that it is the most boring place on the face of the planet. My sisterwife wouldn’t subject me to that, of course, though I also hope she doesn’t subject me to Four Loko either.

Next it’s north through 4 states named after girls, to visit a sharp tongued sisterwife whose snappy comebacks we are sorely missing at the moment. Hilariously, her picture comes up on the second page of Google Image results for this town, which probably means that she’s the best thing about it (not hard to believe of course).

Now in the home straight, another 500 or so km brings us finally into the much-vaunted state of New Jersey, land of Tony Soprano, Snooki, rivalry with New York, and the final sisterwife on our tour. Oh, and Jordan. This last sisterwife, resplendent in panda ears and/or a costume as teenaged as it is mutant turtle, will smooth my introduction into this blessed area. Also, if you add NJ and NY together (heaven forbid) you get more people than all of Australia combined. Yes, there is a whole lot to see and do on a mentally-challenged 9,027km roadtrip from coast to coast. Certainly more than there is to see if you try something similar over here.

To demonstrate:

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So if you ever make it down under (not that anyone but tourists call it that, but I digress) don’t try a road trip. Just come to my place, we’ll drink beer and eat steak, maybe dance to some 80s music. Much more enjoyable than driving for days to meet 7 people you’ve never seen before except on the internet. Maybe.

End Note: I do plan one day to travel in America, but probably not like this. Hopefully they invent teleportation soon so I don’t have to get felt up at airports, either. A girl can dream, can’t she?

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26 Responses to “KSWI Guest Blogger Wednesday: Cledbo Edition Part Deux”

  1. MLF said

    omg. BRAVO CLEDBO BRAVO!! this actually made me smile and laugh when really I should just be crying because it’s finals week and I’m sick. I must say we seem to have lost a lot of sisterwives along the way, when I joined I feel like I was number 27 or something. now there’s barely any of us left, le sigh. you did forget kt in there but tbh I’m not quite sure where exactly she is these days- kt- where be yo crib at?

    • You Floridians could all convene in one place. She could also get Freya fairly easily on her way from Colorado to Texas. She’s definitely going to need one of them big passenger van things…

      • cledbo said

        All I knew of Freya was that she wasn’t where she was when I got her address anymore, because she moved. So being b/w Colorado and Texas is quite convenient.

    • kt said

      I live in Lakeland these days. Close enough to Orlando that we could group me into that stop.

      • MLF said

        ah! Lakeland is so very very close to me in the grand scheme of things, much closer than tally although that too would be on the way

  2. MLF said

    also this roadtrip needs to really happen. I’m just saying.

  3. PWG said

    I have never GIS’d my city before, but now I see that those lynxes are 0.5km from my house. I’m not suprised, because one thing you’ll find in abundance here are sculptures of animals. I have a folder of pictures of PWG-lets on Colorado wildlife statues.

    We have plenty of the real creatures wandering around still, so I guess they’re to remember them by later when we shopping-mall them right the fuck to extinction. For now, though, one doesn’t sleep with the doors open unless one wants their Labrador retriever to be a mountain lion snack. On the plus side, hey, we still sleep with our doors and windows open! That city is 14 miles away from Denver, by the way. 14 miles away from the capital city of Colorado, catamounts are eating pets in your bedroom.

    I can’t wait for you to earn millions on your forthcoming book How to Kick Ass so this can happen. I think I’ll meet you in L.A. with an RV.

  4. Well… this is epic. The only thing I ask of you is that you collect the “wives” from their respective states and bring them along with you to your final destination, the glorious hallowed ground of New Jersey, where we will finally have the long-awaited KSWI-Con. If MLF is clairvoyant and her dreams are indeed windows to the future, then she and I will end up making out at some point in the evening while PWG and Tiffanized egg us on. And even if she’s not, that will probably happen anyway. Don’t forget your shiny udnerwear, ladies.

    P.S. I googled the town in Virginia in question and you are correct. That’s the best thing I’ve seen on the internet today.

    • PWG said

      Helpful advice from another bus rental site: “We get this question a lot; Does your Party Bus come equipped with a Stripper Pole? And this question comes from the women. A stripper pole? While our 35 and 40 Passenger Party Buses do have poles, we are not exactly sure that they are called “Stripper Poles”. Ive seen them called “standing poles”, meaning that they are used to hold on to while standing, so I guess you can dance on it too. Girls, I hate to say it but, I’m not sure if the pole on our Party Buses have any weight requirements so be careful. The other question is should you really be upside on a pole while a large Party Bus is in motion; our drivers don’t mind however. Most large Party Buses, those over 35 Passengers are available with the standing/stripper poles, and they seem to be rather popular with the ladies these days. And Ladies, I’m no one to argue, if ya want to use as it stripper pole, be my guest.”

    • I feel like this could be the start of one of those “I’m going on a picnic and I’m bringing…” games. You know, “I’m going on a crazy sisterwife roadtrip across the United States and I’m bring Absinthe. Beer. Condoms.” You get the idea.

      • MLF said

        at first I wasn’t catching on to the “game” part, absinthe beer and condoms just seems like stuff I would really want to pack for a sisterwife roadtrip. or ya know. any roadtrip really.

  5. tiffanized said

    My reasons for being absent here are just too woe-is-me to go into. Perhaps I will write a guest post when I figure out a way to make bipolar disorder hilarious.

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