The Festival Of Lights Will Never Be The Same

December 2, 2010

Helloooooooo… again.

Thank you to Cledbo for yesterday’s guest post. That was a great post concerning a vacation/expedition of hers to AMERICA and visiting all of us. Although it would be her vacation, it kind of becomes a mini-vacation when someone visits you because you can’t just sit on your couch and watch Sportscenter on a loop. You have to actually get out of your house and walk around and go to places that have significance and go out to dinner and do things. Plus who knows what one will get into when a petite military trained Aussie shows up to your humble abode and/or adobe and is looking to get drunk and has a car full of ladies she knows from the internet who are also drunk and talking about shiny underwear and fanged Brit high schoolers.

Thanks again.

JEWS!

Yes, that was unexpected.

Last night was the first night of Chanukah!

Is that Chanuka without the “h”? Why yes it is!

But who celebrated Chanukkah yesterday?

It seems like everyone nowadays is a member of the Tribe and is lighting those rascally candles of Channukah.

Hanukah is just a simple and fun holiday.

There is a menorah and candles and lights and sometimes Hannukah presents.

Also, the Hanukkah story is a humble tale of a bunch of people who just finished liberating themselves and are now huddled together praying that the oil for one day’s lamp will last and it does for much longer than expected.

Of course, God already had Hanuka in my mind to be holiday, so the oil lasted for as long as God was planning.

Knowing how creative you all are with filling in the ____s. I imagine you all could make Hanukka into quite the sexfest holiday.

A bunch of people in a dark temple holding onto each other staring at the flickering and dimming light of the oil lamp… basically it has the makings for a Hanaka orgy.

Haneka ORGY.

Seriously, let’s think about this Khanukkah orgy for a minute.

….

..

.

(.)(.)

.

..

….

Ok, let’s think about this for longer than a minute.

So, we’re in Judea. It’s hot during the day and it’s cold at night. There is this complete asshole Syrian King named Antiochus. He is just douchebag royalty. He tells the beautiful Jewish people that they need to call it a day on this Judaism. They need to say buh-bye to God, their customs, their traditions, probably stop being funny because there isn’t a greater Jewish tradition out there than being funny. Anyway, Antiochus is like drop that stuff and go Greek (code for anal as far as I know). Nevertheless, someone stands up and says “N” “O” No.

Judah Maccabee.

This muscly mess of hairy defiant sex stands up. And you know what “Maccabee” means, right? Hammer. They didn’t call Judah “Hammer” for nothing, am I right? It wasn’t that he was good at nailing boards… more like nailing broads! Am. I. Right? I’m talking about big swinging dick Judah Maccabee and his hammer calling his brothers together and their respective hammers to fight dickhead Antiochus.

This turns into more than a weekend project. The Maccabees’ tan and toned Jew bodies fight the Syrians for three years. THREE YEARS! They’re not fighting trench warfare or any long range battle. They are fighting with fists, swords, shields, rocks… maybe sometimes they use their athletic builds to just simply overpower the Syrian soldiers with their physical might and hold them to the ground by their wrists until they verbally submit to their will. Maybe that happened. Maybe the Maccabees and their silky beards brushed against the bare necks and chests of the other soldiers during those situations and for a moment… just a moment… they realize they are both God’s fallible, but beautiful creation and they understand each other both physically and emotionally. Maybe during a standoff, they challenged each other to a group wrestling match because all their weapons have been badly broken from all the other fighting. And the two groups arrange a circle and in the sheer exhaustion they just paw at each other in the dirt and the sweat.

Regardless, after 3 years of raw passionate fighting the Jewish Hammers win. They reclaim the Temple in Jerusalem and just go on a tear getting rid of all the little chotchkies that remind them of their former enemy rulers. After nearly a month of returning everything back to the way the Jews wanted it (big leather couches, chandeliers, wine racks, Persian rugs, a Mercedes in every drive way), they finally decided to light the “eternal light” in the Temple. They only had oil for one day and the light shouldn’t be extinguished ever, but somehow the oil keeps the light going for 8 days!

I’m just saying, that was 8 days of non-stop candle light orgy.

Think about how much post-war sex one would have. Not only just post-war sex, but reclaimed the city and the Temple-sex. Not only just post-war, post-reclaiming the city, post-reclaiming the Temple, but finished a month of chores cleaning up the place-sex. I mean post-war sex, post-reclaiming city/Temple, post-cleaned up the place, and now you’re in charge of the future-SEX. I’m talking about your name is The Hammer and you just finished fighting a war with a rusty ass sword for 3 years with your blood relatives and now you’re back home, which is now a free land for you and your peeps and you are experiencing a moment of peace for the first in your life and how are you going to celebrate this?

You’re are going to get freaky deeky all over Jerusalem.

What’s the first thing a soldier coming back from Afghanistan does when he gets back home? Outside of saying hello to his dog and videotaping that and putting that on youtube to melt my heart. The first thing he does is bang his wife/girlfriend in every room of that damn house/apartment. That’s got to be the first thing. Or if this is a don’t ask don’t teller, then he bangs his boyfriend in every damn room in that damn apartment twice because gays have more sex than straights in my opinion. It just doesn’t make any sense if they’re not. It’s two dudes. If House is a repeat then they’re banging. If House is new then they can DVR it and still bang. That’s how I think about it. Anyway…

Imagine this scenario times sextillion because that is what is going on!

The Jews have a sextillion orgy for 8 days by candle light and that is how they celebrate Chanukah.

She’s thinking about it.

You’re welcome.

I’m just saying, how many websites do you read that use the term “Chanukah orgy”?

She wants IT.

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21 Responses to “The Festival Of Lights Will Never Be The Same”

  1. kt said

    Are all those people jewish? If not, I don’t understand the correlation between the text and the photos.

    My bff is Catholic but her husband is Jewish so they celebrate Chrismakuh. They have a tree and stockings and a menorah and get 10 days of presents. I am so incredibly jealous of it.

  2. MLF said

    this is one of my favorite posts ever because it combines lots of pretty pictures of people and orgies, two of my favorite things. gay people have more sex than straight people. I fully believe that as well. this makes sense to me because I think about how much I like looking at men and having sex with them, and then I think about how much men in general seem to want sex more than women (obvi the sisterwives excluded. or at least this sisterwife because I know for a fact no man wants to have sex more than I do.) so by that rationale gay men have more sex. I am not sure what the lesbian statistics are like because I don’t know enough lesbians or enough about their sex habits which I need to rectify.

    I wish I was having sex right now. instead I have pneumonia and a huge ass paper to write and finals to take. such is my life.

  3. PWG said

    Thank you for teaching me at least a third of what I know about Jews, Jordan. This little history lesson will give me something to discuss with my Jewish boss at our “holiday” party.

    My helpful suggestion back to you is that you go and see Burlesque. The plot is nonexistant: first half is country girl gets off the bus in the big city, and the second half is a neverending stream of Christina Aguilera music videos. But everyone looks and sounds fantastic and is mostly naked throughout.

    • kt said

      I loved Burlesque! It was like Coyote Ugly meets Cabarat. Amazaballs.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        It looks like a PG version of “Showgirls”, but with singing.

        Also, there is a “great” article about the drama on set of Burlesque in the New York Post the other day – focusing on the director and the producer and them being boyfriends and so forth. I used to work for Clint Culpepper.

    • That doesn’t really sound that enjoyable… Unless I can be drunk for it. Were you drunk for it? I think it’s high time I start bringing my flask to the movies with me.

  4. I don’t know a whole lot about Hanukkah, but I think I read somewhere that it’s tradition for all blog readers to give blog writers all the sex. So much of the sex. And a Maccabeej for good measure. Sorry ladies, tradition.

    • PWG said

      Thank God I only read the one blog, then, that could get exhausting.

      • Seems I stopped reading that blog written by those two chicks just in time, too. Mostly because I don’t have a clever play on words for the lady equivalent of “Maccabeej”…

      • I’ve spent the last hour trying to dig up a Jewy word that could be conveniently merged with “cunnilingus” to make this joke work, AND I CAN’T. Best I can do is “flicking the Maccabean”.

        Come on, people! THIS IS HILARIOUS.

        I am so bored right now.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        The first thing that came to my mind was something dealing with “gefilting” their “fish”.

        Gefilte fish.

      • PWG said

        I’m comforted that I’m not the only person who wasted 10’s of minutes working on that puzzle as well, but depressed that I couldn’t come up with anything. I either don’t know enough about the Jewish faith, or enough about vaginas.

  5. cledbo said

    After the comment string above, I really don’t know what to say. Nothing I could say could (get on) top (of) that*#

    Some of your pictures are missing, and judging by how pretty the rest of them are, I want to see!

    Thank you, everyone, also for supporting my crazy-ass plan to drive (an RV, it now seems) across America collecting each of your crazy-ass selves along the way. Debauchery is only $20K away, I reckon.

  6. Amy D said

    I’m decorating my cube at work for Hanukkah. Not because I’m Jewish, but because I think it will irritate the uber Christian across the way from me. To no ends does it annoy me that she pushes her version of the faith down people’s throats. So Festival of Lights it is this year. Besides, the Jews are God’s chosen people so it’s really win-win.

    • MLF said

      that’s awesome and hilarious. also it makes perfect sense to me, which is unfortunate because a lot of times things that make perfect sense to me are actually batshit crazy. but sometimes I actually like sensible plans so probably this falls into that small percentage. internet high five for you!

  7. Freya said

    CHOPSTICKS!

    (I was informed that I am not required to make sense to everyone. Heyyybrother will understand me, and that, I guess, is enough.)

    *Waves to all the nice people who think I’m weird.*

  8. Ra'anan said

    The governor of the Greek-Syrian Hellenists who ruled Israel had primae noctis with all Jewish brides. Judah Maccabee’s daughter Judith screamed bloody murder over this since she was soon to be wed. Plus, sexual intercourse w/a gentile invalidates a Jewish girl’s eligibility to marry a Cohen (& Cohanim used to marry Cohanim back then because of their different mentality).That’s what galvanized her family into executing the Greek who came to their village to force them to sacrifice a pig. That was the shot that was heard around Israel & these Jews were NOT physically fit which is another part of the miracle. Greeks (Madison Ave) were all about appearances & beauty. Jews were into a reality that transcended mere looks. We are still conflicted over the strain between these ideas today. Don’t think with your Anthony Weiner, marry for goodness, not looks.

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