The Greatest Trick The Devil Ever Pulled Was…

December 14, 2010

The Golden Globe Nominations!

Well, it was at the very least a trick that waskily old Devil pulled on me.

I was fully prepared to wake up late, write a short post about how I’m sick and how I got a job, and then be done with it.

I was going to tell everyone I’m sick.

Wah wah wah wah… feel pity for my sickness. Make me soup and hot tea and send me cleavagey pictures of yourselves to me to raise my spirits*.

Also, I got a job.

It is starting next year and sounds pretty similar to my last job. We’ll see about that though. Maybe they suckered me into thinking it was like my last job and really it is because all jobs suck.

Someone asked me why I was getting a job and my initial response was that girls seem a lot less impressed with you when you are unemployed.

There are many reasons why I had to get another job, and that could be one of them. Or maybe I just lack confidence in myself when I’m telling people I don’t have a full-time job because of this blasted society forcing people to equate their worth to their wealth. So, it could be one or the other.

It’s like big penises.

This age old debate of how big a penis does a girl need.

Now, if you gave 50 guys each a sheet of paper and a pencil and told them to draw how big of a penis a girl needs to be satisfied…

They would ask for another sheet of paper.

Maybe even two more.

It has to be so big she can use it as a transportation vehicle.

It is an algorithm like whatever her height (H) is multiplied by her (W) and then multiply that by 2.

Pretty much the penis is so big it needs its own closet full of clothes.

Like you know how people dress up their dogs? But every time they dress up their dogs it is almost an outfit that would be ok for Halloween. It is part daily clothes and part costume. Like a vest and a cowboy hat.

That’s how you would dress the penis.

So, yeah, this mind is now employed again. Welcome to America!

GOLDEN GLOBES…

are stupid.

We knew this already because all award nominations are stupid. In this long standing tradition of stupidicity the Golden Globes have not failed you and all of us this year.

By the way, every time I sneeze loudly I picture the part in Die Hard with a Vengeance when John McClane is sneaking around in the ship and the one German soldier jumps out for a second and yells “Nicht schiessen!” and John shoots him to death anyway then John questions what the guy actually said and then Mathias Targo kicks John in the face and says, “He said ‘Don’t Shoot’!” Back to the awards.

Best Motion Picture – Drama

Black Swan

The Fighter

Inception

King’s Speech

The Social Network

This category isn’t that bad. I’ve seen Social Network and Inception and can vouch for them. Black Swan looks amazing and I love all of Aronofsky’s work, so I’d be shocked if I didn’t love this as well. And it has received all positive reviews as far as I’ve seen. The Fighter is getting blown this way and that. I won’t lie and say I think it looks good. I don’t think it looks good. I think the trailers for it look downright boring and stupid. But from the reviews I’ve read, it sounds like Marky Mark is not the thrust of the movie and really it is the other actors like Amy Adams, Melissa Leo and, specifically, Christian Bale who carry the movie. If that is the case then sure. I have been a big fan of director David O. Russell’s previous work (Three Kings, I Heart Huckabees), so he could do it again with this. I love fighting and boxing, but Micky Ward is a journeyman fighter who really never goes beyond that. He was popular, but not that popular. The movie also seems to focus on Micky when he was younger. But his three fights with Arturo Gatti were at the end of his career and were some of the most popular/memorable fights he was apart of and he lost 2 of those 3 fights. Either way, people are blowing it. Lastly, King’s Speech looks whatever. It is British and people who love anything British will be in love with it. Colin Firth, Rush, and Bonham-Carter are great actors, but I’m not that interested in the storyline of this guy getting over his stuttering problem and even more so I don’t like the director Tom Hooper. You may remember his oddly on an angle period piece work for HBO’s John Adams. I was not a fan of that show. I bet it is good in the same way that any period piece is good, but I’m dying to see that movie anytime before I do die.

Best Motion Picture – Comedy or Musical

Alice in Wonderland

Burlesque

The Kids Are All Right

Red

The Tourist

Oooooh boy. That is a lot of bad movies. I have only seen one of these movies and it is Alice in Wonderland and I did not like it. I’m not at all surprised to see it up here because technically it is a “musical” and a “comedy” and it was directed by Tim Burton and anything he makes gets nominated for Golden Globes. But I was not a fan. The rest of these movies have been for the most part poorly reviewed and all look wildly uninteresting. It is really a slap in the face to Edgar Wright that Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World was not nominated especially since Red was nominated. I just read a few reviews for The Tourist and the people sound like they hated watching the movie more than I hate watching the endless stream of commercials for it, which is almost impossible. I would have nominated Scott Pilgrim and have Scott Pilgrim win. I would also nominate Jackass 3D and The Other Guys because those were the two funniest movies I saw this year by far. I’d probably nominate Kick-Ass as well because if Red is a comedy then Kick-Ass is a comedy. So, you can keep Burton and his singing and Christina and Cher and their singing for all I care because the best comedy or whatever was Scott Pilgrim. NEXT!

There are so many categories…

I’ll just pick who I think should win from these categories of their nominees.

Best Actor – Drama

Jesse Eisenberg – The Social Network – Why? Because it was the only one I’ve seen. He was also pretty excellent. I’m sure Firth is good and I’m sure Franco is good. I’m sure Ryan Gosling is good and is shirtless throughout most of his movie pumping away at Michelle Williams, which is all people want to see. And I’m sure I don’t think Mark Wahlberg should be nominated for The Fighter.

Best Actress – Drama

Natalie Portman – Black Swan – Why? Because I love her and I’m going to marry her on a mountain! Well, I haven’t seen any of these movies. They all recently came out besides Winter’s Bone and I didn’t see that. I saw a couple clips of the Halle Berry movie and it looks stupid. Nicole Kidman’s movie The Rabbit Hole looks great and really sad. Blue Valentine sounds like it will be a really well acted porn, which I do love. But that leaves, Natalie and I think Black Swan looks like the best movie and it looks like and sounds like she gives a ridiculous performance. Why not?

Best Actor – Comedy or Musical

NONE – None of them should get an award for those roles. I haven’t seen that much of Barney’s Version, but it does look like the least interesting Paul Giamatti movie since the M. Night Shamalwaslgk,andsfasdflaan movie he did with him being a janitor and fairies lived in the pipes of the pool. Johnny Depp is a great actor, but not in the movies the public likes. Love and Other Drugs looks bad and Casino Jack looks bad. So fuck this category.

Best Actress – Comedy or Musical

NONE – None of those movies sound good either. But in all fairness, when there is an opportunity to award a pretty girl in a pretty dress then always take that opportunity. So, I will say Emma Stone or Anne Hathaway. I’d pick Emma Stone because Easy A actually appears to be a “comedy” which is helpful. The Kids Are All Right does not seem comedic or humorous at all from any commercial or trailer I’ve seen. So Emma Stone for Easy A. Or we should give the award to Anne Hathaway because I’m told she gets naked or partially naked in Love and Other Drugs and that rules. She should do that all the time. She should become a movie nudist. Every role she is completely naked. Think about it. I am.

Oh man. The rest of these awards are long and tiresome. Let’s just say I don’t agree with really any of the television nominations. The Big C was nominated? Hung? Did any of these people watch these shows with their eyes open and the sound on? It appears like they may not have.

Also, I just realized True Grit was not nominated for a single award. I don’t know what that means. It actually hurts my brain. But who knows.

I’ll say this though – Michael C. Hall is a weirdo. I think we all knew that already. But he was on New York’s rock FM radio station 101.9 the other day choosing songs with Matt Pinfield and the annoying woman Leslie Framm or something who I imagine Pinfield carries around in a bjorn. But Michael C. Hall chose a lot of good rock music. A lot of indie stuff. And he had some really deep answers as to why each song was chosen instead of “I like it”. One song that he chose “Dead Leaves And The Dirty Ground” by The White Stripes he chose because he loves it and also because for a period of 6 months or so he woke up to it every day because it was the CD that was stuck in his alarm clock. Also, he is a weirdo. I didn’t realize that he was married to the chick who plays his sister on Dexter. Mayor of Creepcity. More like the Creep Governor of Creepstate in Creepcountry. But they’re breaking up I think, which is too bad. Just cause it is creepy to me, doesn’t mean it cannot work for you.

Words to live by.

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14 Responses to “The Greatest Trick The Devil Ever Pulled Was…”

  1. PWG said

    Congratulations. I can’t recommend mork as a valuable, soul-fulfilling way to spend your days, but the money they put in your bank account comes in handy for what-not. Buying little penis suits, I guess.

    I do want to see True Grit. I can’t imagine anyone better in that remake than Jeff Bridges.

  2. PWG said

    “Now, if you gave 50 guys each a sheet of paper and a pencil and told them to draw how big of a penis a girl needs to be satisfied…They would ask for another sheet of paper.”

    I believe they would set the paper on a table, drop trou and just trace around their own dicks with a pencil.

  3. kt said

    Did you know The Tourist is a comedy?? I wanna know who was in charge of cutting those trailers because I was for sure thinking it was Salt/Laura Croft/Wanted II.

    Anyways, I am not gonna make any guesses on who I think will win any of these things because I am always wrong. And I am sad Dexter and Deb are breaking up, even though I always thought it was weird they were together and then played brother and sister on tv.

  4. kt said

    Congrats on the new yob! I hope you have more work to do at yours than I do at mine.

  5. I’ve seen a lot of movies this year and Love and Other Drugs was one of the best. and I typically despise romantic comedies so don’t just write it off as a chick movie. Scott Pilgrim was also fantastic and it saddens me that it wasn’t nominated but then again I don;t really care because it doesn’t affect my life in any way. It’s not like I’ll be watching this awards show on the cable TV that I don’t have.

    Emma was fabulous in Easy A. I think she deserves it more than Anne since Easy A was funnier, although I liked Love and Other Drugs more..

    about the penises? I feel like any guy who has ever had sex and understands how large vaginas are would not want two pieces of paper to draw the ideal penis. maybe someone who has only slept with the a prostitute who has had ten children but anyone else I feel like one sheet of paper would be fine. I mean let’s think about this- a sheet of printer paper is what? 8.5 by 11? and the average vagina is four inches?

    • tiffanized said

      I’ve never understood the misconception that women want a sex partner with a ginormous penis. Penis enlargement commercials enrage me, particularly when they infer that all women want dudes with giant wangs, and worse, when they say that we’re just lying or not telling men. The sad thing is that someone is buying into that horseshit or they wouldn’t keep playing the commercials.

      • it is a travesty. I’ve honestly never slept with someone and thought “your penis is too small.” I’m sure it’s possible but it hasn’t happened to me.

        I HAVE however said “your penis is too big,” on more than one occasion.

  6. Apparently congratulations are in order. Well done on the new job. And just in time too, what with Scarlett Johansson being single again — best throw on that suit and get to wooin’ before someone beats you to it.

    I don’t understand why Black Swan isn’t in the theaters near me yet. I mean, rich white people love the ballet… what are they waiting for?

    Feel better.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I was “strangely” excited to read Scarlett Johansson was single, especially with everyone knowing what an aphrodisiac working in the health insurance industry is. I mean I’m halfway expecting ladies’ underwear sitting in my mailbox everyday. It’s pretty much fast and loose women all day every day.

    • cledbo said

      ScarJo single since when?!

      All my not-so-fake lesbian fantasies are coming back to life…

  7. cledbo said

    Mork sucks. Welcome back, Jordotter. The Golden Globes is at best a crude anatomical joke, and at worst a pop culture footnote (though not as small a footnote as the Grammy’s). I care not what these people think! Only spending 10-15mins analysing what the fame-whores are wearing when they attend. Which I hope you enjoy too because I expect nothing less from my favourite no-longer-out-of-work New Jersian blogger.

  8. tiffanized said

    I’ve seen none of those movies. I don’t know what the fuck I’ve been doing all year. I wish I could attribute it to a series of drunken blackouts but I’m not that lucky.

    I heard a thing on the radio talking about how 3 of the six best picture nominees featured a woman receiving oral sex, two of them being lesbian scenes. I’m thinking this is a trend you could appreciate, Jordan.

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