U Can’t Touch Paul Pierce – Literally

December 16, 2010

Last night, the Boston Celtics played the New York Knicks in New York City.

These two teams are professional BASKETBALL teams if you are unfamiliar. In all likelihood you should know both of these teams’ names because they are two of the most storied franchises in the NBA. But it would be understandable if you thought that the New York Knicks had dissolved their franchise because if you have watched a game of theirs between when “Zeus” aka Patrick Ewing left and this season then you should have just pretended like they didn’t exist anymore.

Either way, the Boston Celtics are perennial favorites in the NBA since they arranged several years ago the “Big Three” – Paul Pierce, Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett. So they’ve been good.

The Knicks have been surprisingly good this year. Being led by Amar’e Stoudemire and with the help of the young buck Landry Fields they are having a nice little season right now.

We are insanely early in the NBA season. The playoffs which are a beast unto themselves doesn’t start until I believe April and that doesn’t end until around my birthday in mid-June. So, wees gots aways before any of this really matters.

Nevertheless, for a basketball fan in the New York area – there hasn’t been anything to cheer about in a long long while and last night the rival Boston Celtics came to town to play at Madison Square Garden and the Knicks were up for the challenge.

Sadly to say, the Knicks lost. It happens. They lost by a buzzer beating shot by one of the Celtics’ Big Three in Paul Pierce.

So, I don’t want to focus on the Knicks losing – although I am mildly numb to that at this point – I would like to focus on what happens after Pierce stabs all Knicks fans in the face with that final shot.

0:00 – 0:06 = Everything is going as expected. Paul Pierce drains the shot and runs off screen to the right. Nothing weird has happened yet. If you are surprised about the white guy on the court for the Knicks – he’s European, so…

0:07 – 0:08 = Ok! What the fuck is going on here? When we enter the frame it appears that Nate Robinson is forcefully slamming his head into the basketball court by missing a flying body press off the top rope. Between one second and another Nate Robinson did “something” and in that something he piledrove his head into the Madison Square Garden court.

0:09 = Oh and he’s up. Like a ninja turtle, Nate Robinson is back to his feet.

0:10 – 0:19 = Seems like a pretty standard victory lap by Pierce. Nothing to weird to report. It ends with a nice jumping pelvic thrust to jumping pelvic thrust maneuver with friends exactly as all running should end.

0:20 – 0:23 = Some rough housing going on again with Nate Robinson. Seems like Nate can’t keep his body off of Pierce. It’s like they are magnetic balls drawn to each other.

0:23 – 0:28 = And that was the security code handshake to victory.

0:29 – 0:39 = Here is the replay of the final shot. Somewhere in the following frames of celluloid we will discover the cause of the mishap where Nate Robinson seemingly tried to end his own career and/or life on the court in MSG. Keep an eye on Nate. He is at the foul line. Soon as the shot goes in he makes a bee line for Paul Pierce.

0:40 – 0:41 = Uhhhh… fair enough. Nate Robinson attacks Paul Pierce with his crotch. Actually, Nate Robinson is so small that he runs to Pierce and jumps and expects Pierce to just catch him and carry him. What gall Nate Robinson has? Am I right? Just because you’re tiny and cute doesn’t mean if you jump onto someone that person is supposed to catch and carry you… actually I immediately change my stance on this. One must catch and carry all small people who jump on them. It’s so cute! But Paul Pierce doesn’t catch Nate. Why doesn’t he catch Nate? Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt because he can’t see into the future and he couldn’t have guessed Nate would do this. Also, his arms are going in a straight 180 degrees down his side, so it would be impossible to catch someone like that.

0:41 – 0:44 = And here is the damning evidence. Nate goes for try number 2 wrongfully thinking the same “benefit of the doubt” that we were just talking about, but in reality Paul Pierce had no intentions of catching Nate Robinson. Let me repeat that. Paul Pierce had NO intentions of catching and carrying little intsy weentsy Nate Robinson. Paul Pierce would rather risk the livelihood, well-being and the future generations of itty bitty Nate Robinsons by not catching Nate and instead do his own celebration. And what is that celebration? Sticking his arms straight down at his sides and running around like a damn idiot. I think this was in a “I’m so cool, u can’t touch me” idea and literally you cannot touch him because he’d rather Nate break his neck than catch him. On the other hand, Pierce pretty skillfully dodges the second attempt like a running back avoiding a would-be tackler.

0:45 – 0:46 = That’s gotta hurt. Not only does it have to hurt that your face slammed into the basketball court through the force of gravity, but it has to hurt your feelings that your “friend” could have prevented this and is now gooning it up like a jackass a few feet from you. Watching this out of context, it looks like professional wrestling and in pro-rasslin’ when a good guy hurts a friend and then poses afterward – that would be a “heel turn”, folks. Paul Pierce is now a bad guy and rolling with the Undertaker and his Ministry of Darkness.

0:46 – 0:52 = Paul Pierce is skating a very thin line between “celebration for a gaming winning shot” to “flamboyant gay man pretending to be an airplane”.

0:53 – 0:58 = That is the look of a man with a guilty conscience.

0:59 = That’s probably the last thing Nate needs – a good ole’ whack to that concussed head.

In conclusion, Paul Pierce is a great basketball player and kind of a schmuck.

Questions for Friday?


15 Responses to “U Can’t Touch Paul Pierce – Literally”

  1. PWG said

    I watched that video three times. The first time was rough because I was trying to read what you wrote at the same time plus it’s kind of blurry and I kept missing everything. By the third viewing I was pretty much hysterical though. It combined the athletic grace of a salmon trying to jump up a waterfall with the schoolyard humiliation of trying to high-five a jock in front of everyone but he leaves you hanging. Well, also combined with the pain of whacking your head onto a hard surface.

    I think what happened here is that Paul Pierce became 10% cooler after he sank the shot, instantly creating a 2-level cool differential with Nate Robinson. Paul obviously would have caught him before that gap opened up, so in reality Nate gave himself a concussion because he couldn’t do the math fast enough.

    That’s why I tell my kids to study hard in school. “So one day you don’t face-plant on the ground in front of thousands of people because your asshole teammate is suddenly too good to catch you but you couldn’t calculate it in your head fast enough.” They used to think I was lying, but I’ll show them this proof tonight after a “Faces of Meth” video marathon. I am fucking ON this parenting thing.

    • oh pwg. this comment made me laugh so hard.I’m still kind of laughing. much harder than I laughed at the actual post (which was actually not really at all)

      I don’t know whether that is your triumph or jordan’s failure but either way I love you

      as for the actual post….

      well I really liked the ninja turtle line. good job with that one.

  2. I don’t know how many times I’ve watched that video at this point, but I can’t stop laughing. Paul Pierce celebrates that dunk how I would expect Michael Cera to celebrate. Except Michael Cera’s a nerd at heart and has a conscience, so probably would have at least paused briefly to make sure Nathanial was still alive.

  3. kt said

    It’s a good thing that I am alone at work right now because between the video and PWeeG’s comment I’m laughing my ass off.

  4. tiffanized said

    I’m just throwing this out there, but perhaps Nate Robinson is invisible unless he is captured on the medium of film. Paul Pierce simply did not see the man until he watched the highlight reel. Why the Celtics would employ an invisible player is none of my business.

  5. tiffanized said

    So it’s snowing here. Which means that someone I know has died and I’m going to have to go to the funeral in the snow. I literally took possible bad weather funerals into account when I bought my current vehicle.

    Friday question: So beyond the obvious truth that it is rude to die during bad weather, what time of year do you think would result in optimal funeral attendance?

    I’ve already decided I’m going to time my end to come in late September/early October in a far off future year to be determined. Not too hot, not too cold, little chance of snow. It also affords me one last bikini season and another round of birthday presents that I won’t have to write thank you notes for because I’ll be in a jar in somebody’s closet. You are all invited–the song list includes Limp Bizkit’s “Nookie” and Sid Vicious’ version of “My Way”. And there is a funeral open bar clause in my will; I’m pretty sure this will wipe out whatever’s left of my estate.

    • cledbo said

      The only way to Wake is so drunk you can’t remember the dead person’s name any more.

      Here is my Friday question, obviously completely plaigarised from/inspired by Tiff:
      What song(s) will be playing at your funeral, may it be a long way away but still before me so I can attend? (Obivously because women, let alone harem members, live longer than men/bloggers)

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